[personal profile] something_rare
Title: Silent Cries, Mighty Echoes - Chapter Eight
Pairing: Adam/Tommy
Word Count: 7,540
Rating: R
Warning: Slash Connotation
Summary: Tommy is second guessing his choices, and he is not the only one.
Note: Story title taken from Eloy's eight album.
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. The characters and events are fictious.
Special Thanks: To my fabulous beta reader, [info]bigj52. You are gold!





Chapter Eight

Tommy was finding it more and more difficult to breathe as the days went on. He wasn’t sure if it was the ninety-degree weather combined with the humidity outside or whether it was because the wedding was only a week away.
 
Either way, he felt like he was constantly gasping for air.
Walking out of his bedroom in his tux, his mother gasped. “Tommy…you look absolutely beautiful.” Her lips pursed together tightly. “I wish your father could see you right now.”
 
Tommy smiled and walked towards his mother. Putting his arms around her, he pulled her in close. “He can see me, mom…I know he can.”
 
“He would’ve been so proud of you, sweetheart.”
 
Tommy cringed. He wasn’t proud of himself…at all. He was having serious doubts about everything and anything. He told himself that it was only normal though, being that the wedding was so close. He refused to believe anything different. As far as he was concerned, every groom probably went through the same thing.
 
“Mom, remember that album I was writing?”
 
His mother was straightening his tux. “Yes.”
 
“Well, I finally finished it.”
 
“You did, honey?” She stopped and stood up straight. “That’s great…are you going to start sending it to producers?”
 
Tommy frowned. “I don’t know, mom. I mean…I’ll use my pseudonym and everything…but what happens if it really gets recorded?”
 
His mother smiled, patting his back. “Then you did good, honey.”
 
“But what about Amanda?”
 
“I wish you would stop worrying so much about that. Why is she so against it anyway? She should be proud of you, sweetheart.”
 
Tommy turned to his mother who was now standing behind him. “I think so too…but it won’t happen.”
 
“What does Adam have to say about all of this?”
 
“He thinks Amanda should be proud too.”
 
“Well, dear,” she replied casually. “He’s right but why don’t you worry about that bridge when you’re ready to cross it. You said yourself that it could take up to a year to even hear anything back from these producers. Maybe by then she’ll lighten up a bit.”
 
“Yeah…maybe you’re right.” But deep in his heart, he knew Amanda would never lighten up about it. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he grabbed his mother’s hands. “Mom, can I ask you something?”
 
“Sure, sweetheart.”
 
Tommy dropped his hands and walked into his bedroom while his mother followed. Taking off his tux, he hung it up immediately and put his casual clothes back on. “How’d you know that dad was the right one for you?”
 
She smiled. “I just did, honey…just like you knew it with Amanda.”
 
Tommy cringed, rubbing his face with his hands. “That’s just it, mom…I’m not so sure that I know it.”
 
His mother grabbed one of his hands off his face. “Honey…you’re having wedding jitters, that’s all.”
 
He shook his head. “I don’t think that’s it, mom…I really don’t. I mean…I love Amanda…but I don’t know if I’m in love with her. Does that make any sense?”
 
She squeezed his hand. “Honey…what’s going on?”
 
Tommy couldn’t help but cry. He’d been holding back the tears for quite some time now and there would be no stopping them now. “I’m just not so sure about all of this now.”
 
“Honey…” she trailed, taking a deep breath. “Does your heart skip a beat when you look at her?”
 
“Not really.”
 
“How about when she comes back from a long trip? Are you excited to see her?”
 
Tommy looked up at her and shook his head. “No.”
 
She let go of her son’s hand and pulled him in for a long, warm hug. “Tommy, dear…that’s not a good sign.”
 
“Did you feel that way with dad?”
 
“Yes, I did,” his mother whispered. “I loved that man more than life itself and I felt that way about him for the entire forty years we were married.”
 
Tommy smiled, hearing those words from his mother. “Yeah…he was a good man.” He pulled himself out of the hug and sat down on the bed. “Amanda’s a good woman too. And one day, she’ll be an excellent mother, I know that.”
 
She interjected, “Yes, honey…she is a good girl and you’re right, she’ll be a good mother too. But that doesn’t make her a wonderful wife…does it?”
 
“Her family doesn’t help matters either.”
 
“Well…just remember that when you marry someone, you marry their family too.”
 
Tommy instantly thought of Adam and his family. He’d only met them a dozen times or so, but they all seemed so nice and down to earth, especially his mother. His thoughts turned to Amanda and her family. He couldn’t really say one nice thing about any of them, siblings included. Money was everything to them.
 
“Honey…is there something you’re not telling me?” She asked, sitting beside her son on the bed.
 
Tommy shook his head.
 
“Are you sure?”
 
He nodded. “It’s probably just wedding jitters, that’s all.”
 
“Does your heart skip a beat when you look at Adam?”
 
Tommy’s head shot up, lurching towards his mother. “Why would you ask me that?”
 
His mother simply dropped his head.
 
“Did he say something to you?”
 
Slowly, she raised her head and looked at her son. “He didn’t have to. Neither one of you have to say anything. It’s obvious.”
 
Tommy’s eyes widened. “What’s obvious?”
 
“I’ve only been here for a week, Tommy and I’ve noticed something between you two.” She let out a little laugh, but remained serious. “Every time he’s walked into a room that we’ve been in…I can see it in your eyes, your actions…everything.”
 
“Mom,” Tommy retorted. “He’s one of my best friends.”
 
His mother shook her head. “Best friends don’t look at each other the way you two look at each other. You both aren’t doing a very good job of hiding whatever it is that’s going on with you two.”
 
Tommy shot up from the bed. “Nothing is going on with us!”
 
She followed suit, jumping up from the bed. “Are you both in denial? Or is it just you, honey?” Taking her time, she walked towards the door. “You can stand here and deny it all you want…both of you can for that matter…but are you going to be able to deny it for the rest of your life? If there’s something there, Tommy…” she trailed, stopping at the door and turning around. “You owe it to yourself, Adam and Amanda to try and figure out what it is…and you need to do it before you walk down the aisle…not after.”
 
“We’re just friends! I’m not gay!”
 
“Maybe that’s all you think it is, Tommy. But I highly doubt Adam believes that.” She shook her head and frowned. “I can see it in his eyes, honey and right now,” she said, pointing towards her son. “I can see it in your eyes.”
 
“Oh damn, mom!” he huffed, grabbing his wallet off the nightstand. “I’ve got to meet everyone at the nightclub…I’ll catch you later.”
 
When Tommy walked past his mother, he was stopped. “Drinking isn’t going to change the way you feel. Neither will fifty years of being married to the wrong person.”
 
Tommy yanked his arm free. “Why are you and Adam doing this to me? Why!? Why didn’t you say anything to me a year ago? Why did everyone wait until the last minute before they said anything? WHY?”
 
She stepped back. “You never asked me for my advice until now, sweetheart.”
 
Tommy moaned loudly, showing his discomfort. “You could’ve said something.”
 
“You wouldn’t have listened then,” his mother replied. “Just like you probably won’t listen now.”
 
“I’ve gotta go.” With that said, Tommy stomped his way past his mother and out the front door.
 
**********
 
Sitting at the poolside bar, Tommy lit his cigarette. He was already having a hard time, breathing, and figured he might as well make it worse. At least the cigarette would calm his nerves. He still had a good half hour before he needed to head to the nightclub. A good half hour to drown his sorrows and get himself drunk.
 
And drunk was exactly what he needed to be if he had to spend a whole evening with Adam and Ted. Kissy-face Adam and Ted.
 
Feeling someone lean over and kiss his cheek, he turned around. “Oh hi, honey.”
 
“What’s going on? I’ve been trying to track you down all day.”
 
He exhaled slowly. “Not much…just been thinking, that’s all.”
 
Amanda sat down beside him. “About what?”
 
“Life.”
 
She ordered a drink and frowned at his hand. “You know…if my mom catches you smoking…”
 
Tommy put out his cigarette and sighed loudly. “I know. I know…she’ll have a conniption.” He turned to Amanda and zoned out. Aren’t you going to ask me to elaborate on what I meant when I said ‘life’?
 
Amanda got up. “Try and be a little more discreet about it, okay? I don’t feel like hearing her lecture me or you on the pitfalls of smoking.” She kissed him on the lips. “I gotta run…we’re still on for tonight, right?”
 
Evidently you don’t care… He took a deep breath and smiled. “Yeah…we're all meeting at the nightclub in a half hour."
 
Tommy lit another cigarette just as soon as Amanda rounded the corner. He didn’t really care if Anne saw him or not right now. For the first time in a long time, it dawned on him that Amanda didn’t care what was going on with him. She seriously did not give a shit. Was she always like that?
 
Was he so blinded by stupidity that he never noticed? If she didn’t care now…would she care in fifty years from now?
 
“Mind if I join you?”
 
Startled, Tommy jumped, turning around to see Adam standing next to him. “Not at all.” He smiled and patted the stool next to him. “Just don’t lecture me about smoking.”
 
“Wouldn’t think of it,” he replied, taking a seat. “You know that they’re bad for you…you know that your teeth discolor from them…you know that you stink…”
 
He threw up his hand in disgust. It wasn’t funny tonight. Nothing was funny tonight. “Back off, Lambert…I’m sure you have a few habits that aren’t too good for you either.”
 
“Like?”
 
“Like…” he trailed, searching for something. “Wearing skirts in public.”
 
“Ouch…that wasn’t very nice.”
 
“Neither was the fucking skirt, Adam.”
 
He laughed out loud. “It was a kilt, not a skirt. Can’t think of one bad habit, can you?”
 
Tommy shook his head back and forth, waving his hand in the air. “When I can think of one, I’ll let you know.”
 
Adam leaned on the counter. “Is something wrong?”
 
Tommy looked at him and noticed the concern. “No…just thinking, that’s all.”
 
“About what?”
 
Tommy sighed. “Life.”
 
Adam ordered a drink and then turned his stool so that he was facing Tommy. “You want to elaborate on that?”
 
Tommy’s head whipped around. He was surprised by Adam’s question. It was what he had hoped that Amanda would ask, but never did. “You really want to hear it?”
 
He nodded. “Of course…problems with Anne again?”
 
“Actually, no. More like problems with my mother.”
 
Adam took a swig of his beer. “What happened with your mother?”
 
“Nothing really,” Tommy confirmed. “She’s just butting her nose in where it doesn’t belong.”
 
He laughed. “Hey…that’s what mothers are for.”
 
“I guess,” he moaned. “Obviously, best friends are good for that too.” Adam stopped laughing almost immediately. Tommy turned his way instantly to try and smooth over his last comment. When his eyes settled on Adam’s, his heart dropped. The way Adam was looking at him almost made him cry.
 
Adam looked hurt and upset.
He looked like he’d been slapped in the face.
He looked like a man whose heart had just been broken.
 
Tommy fought to hold back the tears. He was confused, scared and lonely and when Adam’s lips finally turned up in a smile, his heart ached. He wanted to reach out and touch Adam, tell him that he loved him. He did love him. But he couldn’t love him…he wouldn’t put himself through the torture.
 
Why didn’t he see it sooner?
 
“What’s going through your mind, Tommy? You look like you have about a hundred different things jumbled in there.”
 
Tommy nervously laughed. “I do.”
 
“Well…talk to me about some of them…maybe it’ll help clear your mind.” Tommy’s hand was resting on his knee and when Adam put his hand on top of his, Tommy closed his eyes. “But…if you keep drinking, that’ll help too.”
 
Tommy laughed. “You’re crazy.”
 
“So I’ve been told.”
 
He slowly opened his eyes, but kept his head down. “So how are things going with Ted?”
 
“They’re going.”
 
Tommy swallowed his pride. “Is this going to lead to something after you leave?”
 
Adam shrugged. “Who’s to say…I’m hoping that someone else will be in my life at that point.”
 
Tommy froze.
Was Adam referring to him?
 
“Why would you lead him on then, Adam?” he asked, lifting his gaze to meet Adam’s.
 
“I’m not leading him on…this thing we’ve got going on really hasn’t gone anywhere. We’ve kissed and that’s it.”
 
Tommy was stunned for a moment. His head lurched forward. “That’s it?”
 
Adam nodded. “That’s it. I’m not interested in a sexual relationship at this point with him. I was kinda hoping that the other person I want to be in my life would be able to fulfill that need for me.” Adam looked at him seriously and shrugged. “So…I’ll wait and see what this other person wants to do.”
 
Tommy knew Adam was referring to him. Hell, he really knew it all along, Adam didn’t need to say it was him, Tommy knew it. The way Adam was phrasing the words and the way he looked at him said it all.
 
He looked down at their hands that were still touching. “And what if this other person doesn’t pan out…then what?”
 
Adam removed his hand and stood up to leave. “I can’t think about that now…I haven’t given up on him yet.”
 
**********
 
As much as he was dreading the inevitable, Tommy got himself up and off the bar stool and slowly made his way to the nightclub, alone. He knew it was going to be uncomfortable being there with everything that had happened in last six weeks, but he couldn’t bow out.
 
What he really needed to do was to finally put an end to this game he was playing. Not that he really considered it to be a game, but it was something he needed to do so he could get on with his life.
 
Taking a seat at the table, he smiled at Adam and Ted. “Hi, honey,” he said, turning to Amanda. “Sorry I was late.”
 
“Yeah,” Amanda replied. “I was beginning to wonder if you met up with some gorgeous stranger back there at the bar and forgot about me.”
 
Tommy gulped. How did she know? “No, not quite.” When he nervously turned to Adam, Tommy noticed him playing with his beer bottle, either completely oblivious or completely ignoring their conversation.
 
“They weren’t quite as gorgeous as me, right?” Amanda playfully asked.
 
He let out a nervous laugh, unable to answer the question.
 
It was karaoke night at the nightclub and for over an hour, they all sat back and listened to the people who were drunk enough to get up and sing. Most of them were making complete asses out of themselves, but it didn’t matter. Everyone was there to have a good time and the place was packed.
 
Amanda kept trying to push Tommy up on stage, but there was no way in hell he was about to do that. They’d all had quite a bit to drink in the hour that passed and the atmosphere was relaxed for the most part. Tommy did notice though that Adam never once made eye contact with him. Adam was obviously avoiding him and if truth be told, he was trying his hardest to avoid Adam too.
 
“Amanda…stop trying to push me up there…I said I’m not going and I mean it!” Tommy removed her hand that was around his neck and pushed it away.
 
“Ah, come on…don’t be such a chicken shit!”
 
Tommy was getting aggravated just by the sight of her. He pointed to himself and used his best sarcastic voice, “Me? I’m a chicken shit?” He shook his head and pointed to him. “You’re the chicken shit, not me.”
 
Amanda lurched her head forward and took his finger in her mouth, biting it. “Why am I a chicken? I’ll get up there and sing…no problem.”
 
“I have no question you’d do that,” he replied, "You love being in the spotlight."
 
Adam finally acknowledged Tommy when he laughed loudly.
 
Amanda shot Adam a playful look. “Oh shut up…Mr. ‘I'm a Rock Star’ Lambert…you are as guilty as I am in that regard.”
 
Adam shrugged. “I never tried to hide it, Amanda.”
 
Tommy cleared his throat; they were getting off the topic that was originally at hand. “You’re a chicken shit because you won’t stand up to your mother!”
 
He knew he probably shouldn’t say anything…but did anyway. He had too much to drink and really didn’t care who knew he was pissed because he was pissed. He was pissed at just about everything and everyone.
 
“Oh…is that right?” Amanda asked, loudly placing her martini down on the table.
 
Tommy looked over at her and laughed. “That’s right, Amanda…lemme ask you something…did you ever put your foot down about our honeymoon?” He rolled his eyes. “Or are we still going to God-knows-where?”
 
Amanda groaned.
 
“That’s what I thought.”
 
Amanda leaned towards him, lowering her voice. “I promised you I’d say something and I will…just don’t bring out our personal shit here.” She looked over to the others and nodded her head their way. “Adam and Ted don’t want to hear our shit…do you, guys?”
 
Ted smiled. “Sure we do…what else can you bitch her out for, Tommy?”
 
Adam laughed and then pointed to the stage. “Shhhh guys…he’s about to start singing.”
 
Everyone turned his or her attention towards the three-hundred-pound man who was now on stage belting out a Michael Jackson tune. It was horrible and funny at the same time; the man’s low voice just wasn’t doing the trick. Everyone was doing his or her best not to laugh, but it was no use. The entire crowd was booing him.
 
Ted suddenly excused himself and came back seconds later with a listing of all the karaoke songs the DJ had. He tossed it to Amanda and smiled. “You keep trying to push your fiancé up there, Amanda, so I thought maybe you’d like to do the honors first.”
 
Amanda shot him a look, grabbing the book. Quickly, she started flipping through the pages. “Hey…isn’t that one of your songs?” he asked, sliding the book across the table to Adam.
 
Adam looked in the book and laughed. “Well, yeah…dumb ass…it says Adam Lambert right next to it.” He pushed the book back to Amanda.
 
“Don’t be calling me no dumb ass, you…you…you…Freddie Mercury wanna-be.”
 
Everyone “oohed” and “aahed” at Amanda’s remark and turned to Adam, waiting for his comeback.
 
“I don't know whether I should laugh or slap you," Adam said, letting out a little laugh.
 
Laughing felt good. When the whole table erupted with laughter, Tommy had to smile. This was what old times used to be like.
 
Amanda pushed the book back. “Put your money where your mouth is…get up there and sing."
 
Adam pushed the book back to Amanda, frowning. “I don't feel like singing...besides, I'll probably sing off-key and knowing my luck, some tabloid will catch wind of it and claim that I've been lip-synching for the past few years and that I really can't sing."
 
Amanda looked around the nightclub. “There ain’t any tabloid people here…nice try.”
 
“You can never be too sure,” Adam replied bluntly.
 
Ted turned to Adam, smiling. “Ah...come on, honey." He leaned over and gave Adam a kiss on the cheek.
 
Adam stared at Ted for a moment before finally grabbing the book back. “Let me pick one out of here and then maybe…just maybe…I’ll bless you guys with my voice.”
 
Amanda grunted, “Oh God…here we go.”
 
Adam searched through the book for what seemed like an eternity. Suddenly, he looked directly at Tommy for the first time that night and smiled. “I’ve got the perfect song…and you’re all in luck…it’s an Adam Lambert song.”
 
Shit… That didn’t sound too good as far as Tommy was concerned.
 
“Aren’t we just so lucky, boys?” Amanda was making faces at everyone and batting her eyelashes.
 
Adam got up from the table. Walking over to the DJ, he handed him the book back and made his way on stage. Once he cleared his throat, he held the microphone to his mouth. “Hey…this will be a first for me…I'm here without my band.” He took a seat on a stool and smiled.
 
Amanda and Ted went nuts, screaming and chanting… “GO ADAM…GO ADAM!!” Tommy remained silent, scared of what was to come next.
 
When the music started, the place fell silent. It didn’t do that for the other people who sang, but for Adam it did. It might have been out of respect for him, but no one could say. He pretty much went unrecognized the whole trip, so whether or not these people actually knew who he was, was a mystery.
 
It's late at night, and I can't sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can't breathe, thinking of your smile
Every kiss I can't forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God, I wish I could make you see

 
Tommy dropped his head. This was hitting way too close to home and it was making him extremely uncomfortable. He couldn’t look at Adam. So instead, he reached over and grabbed Amanda’s hand, trying his best to smile.
 
Unfortunately, he could still hear the words though. Even without looking at Adam, he knew Adam was singing it to him. Closing his eyes, he listened to the words, willing himself not to show any emotion in his face.
 

'Cause I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying
Baby you know that maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
You know that maybe it's time for miracles
'Cause I ain't giving up on love
No, I ain't giving up on us
I just want to be with you
'Cause living is so hard to do
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes

 
Tommy fought it for as long as could. But when it became useless to even try, he looked up on the stage and inwardly cringed when he noticed that Adam was still staring directly at him, belting out the words just as clear as day.
 
The future I cannot forget
This aching heart ain't broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
'Cause I know this flame isn't dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

 
Baby can you feel it coming?
You know I can hear it, hear every soul
Baby, when you feel me feeling you
You know it's time

 
It was so obvious that it scared the living hell out of him. He wondered whether or not Amanda and Ted noticed it too, but honestly, he really didn’t know how they couldn’t notice it.
 
The place erupted in applause and screams; “It’s about time someone had a decent voice around here!”
 
When Adam took his seat, he looked directly at Tommy, never missing a beat. His eyes bore deeply into Tommy's and out of the corner of his eye, Tommy could tell that Ted was staring at him too.
 
Adam finally pried his eyes away, turning to Ted. “So…what’d ya think? Was I as good as the last time you saw me live?”
 
Ted didn’t smile or say a word.
Tommy knew in that instant that Ted knew Adam sang the song to him.
 
Amanda laughed, slamming back her drink. “Oh, I don’t know, Adam…I’m thinking you probably shouldn’t give up your day job.”
 
Adam rolled his eyes, turning to Tommy. “So…you want to get up there and sing a song too or what?”
 
Suddenly, Ted stood up and shoved his chair in. “Oh my God…I’m out of here.”
 
Amanda looked at everyone, confused. “What? Was it something I said?”
 
Ted snorted, “No…it was something Adam sang, bitch. Couldn’t you tell he was singing it to your fiancé?”
 
Amanda laughed loudly, letting her head fall back. “Yeah…right.”
 
“I’m serious, Amanda.” Ted turned to leave and then stopped and looked back at Tommy. “Now this all makes sense to me…” He looked over at Adam, shaking his head. “No wonder you never made a move on me…you’re in love with him!” he huffed, pointing a finger at Tommy.
 
He stomped out, leaving everyone in silence.
 
When Tommy started to get up, Adam pointed to his seat. “Don’t go after him.”
 
“But…he…”
 
“But nothing, Tommy…just don’t go after him.”
 
Amanda looked at Tommy and then back to Adam, laughing. “He was kidding about you being in love with Tommy, right?”
 
Adam didn’t move or say a word.
He was staring at Tommy.
 
Amanda turned to Tommy. “Tommy, he was kidding, right?”
 
Tommy didn’t move or say a word either.
He was staring at Adam.
 
“Okay, guys…I get it now…this is a BIG joke right? Ha Ha…joke’s on me.”
 
Tommy nervously looked over at Amanda. His eyes were huge. “That’s right, honey…a big joke.”
 
Adam got up from his seat hastily. “If you don’t do something soon, Tommy…it will be too late. Goodnight.”
 

 
It was now or never. Now or never. It was now that he had to admit to himself and Amanda that he was in love with Adam or it was never to be spoken of or thought of again.
 
Deep down, Tommy already knew what his choice was. It was now. He couldn’t live a lie for the next fifty or so years of his life. It wouldn’t be fair to him, Adam and especially Amanda. He couldn’t live his life married to a woman but in love with a man. He just couldn’t do that.
 
The darkness of the night gave Tommy an eerie feeling as he and Amanda headed back to his room. It was too quiet and it left his mind racing in all different directions. He needed to call the wedding off.
 
If he wasn’t sure of that before, he was sure of that now. He loved Adam. If he didn’t make this right, he could lose him forever.
 
Tommy just knew how upset Amanda was going to be. It wasn’t going to go over well. And with the wedding in less than a week, her parents - especially her mother - would probably be so upset…she’d sue him or something.
 
He should never have waited this long. Tommy should have said something weeks ago. With the guests starting to arrive now, this whole thing was going to be nothing short of a giant nightmare. A nightmare he created.
 
Once they got to his room, Tommy took a deep breath and asked Amanda to come in for a minute. When he shut the door, he grabbed Amanda's hand and walked over to the couch.
 
Amanda sat down. “Is something wrong, Tommy? You haven’t said one word the entire way back here.”
 
Tommy looked down at their hands. “Yes…something is wrong. And…and…and I’m going to try and make it right now.”
 
Amanda squeezed his hand. “What is it? And please don’t tell me it’s about my mother. I said I would say something and I will…just stop nagging me because…”
 
He pulled his hand from hers and slipped the ring Amanda had given him as a gift off his hand, stopping her words dead in their tracks. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
 
“What are you doing?”
 
Amanda watched him the entire time, her eyes wide. Taking her hand, Tommy opened her palm and placed the ring inside it. “I can’t marry you, Amanda…I’m sorry.”
 
She looked at him. “You’re kidding, right?”
 
He shook his head. “No, I’m not.”
 
She sat there, silent, for a few minutes before standing to her feet and placing her hands on her hips. “Is this about me sleeping with that guy at the bachelorette party?”
 
Tommy was dumbfounded. “What?”
 
“It is, isn’t it? Adam fucking told you about that guy, didn’t he?”
 
He looked at her with horror in his eyes. He didn’t know what the hell she was talking about. “You slept with someone else?”
 
Amanda paced around the room. “Oh, don’t play games with me…you already knew I fucked someone else…Adam told you so stop acting like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
 
Tommy couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone had a noose around his neck and it was tightening at a rapid speed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Amanda,” he cried out, gasping for air. “Adam didn’t tell me anything.”
 
She turned around. “Then who the hell did?”
 
“You just did.”
 
She glared at him, scrunching up her face in disbelief. “You didn’t know?”
 
He shook his head.
 
“Then why the hell would you call off the wedding?”
 
Tommy stood up and realized that he could barely stand. He was shaking so badly that he needed to sit back down before he collapsed. Sitting down, he took a deep breath and tried to evaluate everything that’d just happened. Amanda cheated on him. Amanda cheated on him. Amanda cheated on him.
 
And Adam knew.
And he didn’t tell him.
 
Taking a deep breath, he placed his hand over her heart to make sure he could feel it beating. “Because I don’t love you the way I should…I’m sorry.”
 
Amanda grunted loudly, heading towards the front door. Swinging it open, it hit the closet doors hard. She proceeded to slam it shut and then swung it open again. She did this three more times before Tommy couldn’t take it anymore.
 
“Why do you keep doing that?”
 
She slammed the door shut. “Because I’m fucking pissed…that’s why. Why the hell did you ask me to marry you then…huh? If you didn’t love me then why did you keep telling me that you did?”
 
“Because…because…because…”
 
“BECAUSE WHY?” she screamed.
 
He couldn’t answer her. The noose was way too tight now. He started gasping for air. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Amanda walked over to him and started to shake him. “Breathe, damnit!”
 
When Tommy finally had enough air in his lungs to function, he pushed her away. “Get the hell away from me!”
Amanda let go of him for only a second before grabbing him again. “WHY DIDN’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME YOU DIDN’T LOVE ME?”
 
Tommy noticed Adam immediately. He walked into the living room and tried to create some distance between Tommy and her. “Calm down, Amanda…hurting him is not the answer.”
 
“Fuck off, Adam!”
 
Adam grabbed her and shoved her on the couch. “Don’t ever touch him again…do you hear me?”
 
Amanda glared at her through the tears and anger. “I don’t want to touch him…don’t worry about your precious Tommy!” She looked at Tommy and then back to Adam. “You fucking were singing that Goddamn song to him…weren’t you?”
 
Adam didn’t answer her.
Neither did Tommy.
 
“Oh my God…why didn’t I see this before?” Amanda stood up and shoved Adam hard. “You fucking love him, don’t you?”
 
After Adam regained his balance, he walked over to Amanda. He stood tall in front of her. “Yes, Amanda…I love him.”
 
Amanda opened her hand and scratched Adam's face with her long nails.
Blood oozed from Adam's skin.
 
“Oh shit!” Tommy pushed Amanda toward the door. “Get out of here NOW!”
 
Amanda started laughing in a tone that made him cringe. “I can’t fucking believe this. My best friend and my fiancé have been fucking right underneath my own nose and I didn’t even know it.”
 
Tommy turned to her. “We aren’t...”
 
“Yeah…you’re probably right, Tommy…you don't fuck.” Amanda turned to walk away again before stopping. “You're a fucking queer after all.”
 
"Don't answer the bitch, Tommy," Adam marched toward the door. “Get your things and let’s go, Tommy…NOW!”
 
Tommy walked out totally in shock. He never meant for this to happen…not in a million years. Now, Amanda and Adam hated each other and it was all his fault. It was all his fault that he fell in love with someone he never should have. It was entirely all his fault. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It just wasn’t.
 
Walking towards Adam, he turned back to Amanda one last time. “I’m sorry, Amanda…please believe me.”
 
Adam grabbed his arm and pulled Tommy to him. “Forget it.” He looked at what Tommy had in his hand and brought his gaze to Tommy's. “Where’s your laptop?”
 
Tommy really didn’t care about his “dream” anymore. Amanda’s life was ruined. Adam’s life was ruined. Wasn’t it only fair that his life be ruined too? “It doesn’t matter…let’s go.”
 
Adam stopped him. “Like hell it doesn’t matter. Go get it.”
 
“I don’t care about the laptop, Adam!”
 
He swung Tommy around by the arm. “Are you hearing what you’re saying? Go get the fucking laptop…now!”
 
He dropped his duffel bag and mumbled. “Fine.”
 
Amanda was still on the couch, stunned. “Why the hell is the laptop so important?”
 
Adam walked over to her, resisting the urge to hit her. “Because if you really cared one iota about him, you would’ve known how important it was to him for you to be proud of him and his accomplishments.” He looked down at her and shook his head. “You make me sick.”
 
When Tommy returned with the laptop in hand Adam threw open the door and practically shoved him out, never turning back. Walking down the hall and to his room, he reached for the doorknob, kicking the door open.
 
“I’m sorry, Adam…I just need to be alone tonight.”
 
Adam’s look told Tommy that he understood. “Where are you going to go?”
 
“To my mom’s room.”
 
“Are you going to be okay?”
 
“Do I look like I’m going to be okay?”
 
Adam shook his head. “Honestly? No, you don’t. I’ll walk you to your mom's.” He took Tommy's arm again and led him down the stairs. “In the morning…things will be better, I promise.”
 
“Please don’t make any promises that you can’t keep.”
 
When they got to his mother’s room, Adam placed all Tommy's items down on the ground. He pulled Tommy close to him and hugged him tightly; “I’ll see you in the morning.” He kissed Tommy's forehead and whispered, “And I never make promises that I can’t keep.”
 

 
The next morning, Adam made his way to Tommy and his mom's room in a completely sober state. He was physically tired and mentally exhausted. After the fiasco with Amanda was over, Anne decided to stir up even more shit. She greeted him within an hour of him making it back to his room.
 
She wasn’t too happy with him and she had no qualms about making it known. She demanded to know what happened and when Adam tried to calmly explain everything to her, she went into a rage. It took him nearly two hours to explain the situation to her and in the end, she wanted him off the island and out of Amanda’s life.
 
He didn’t blame her. He couldn’t. Falling in love with his best friend’s soon-to-be-husband didn’t sit well with him either. But he couldn’t help the way he was feeling and the way he had felt for months. As much as he tried, he couldn’t.
 
It didn’t matter to Anne that Tommy was his friend first. It didn’t matter that her daughter was a whore and that she was too controlling…she was hell bent on someone paying and that someone was going to be either Tommy or Adam. Anne was so upset that she actually called her lawyer right there in Adam’s room.
 
She was determined to make someone pay. Anne couldn’t understand that she was partially responsible for what had happened too. Adam couldn’t make her see that in the long run, it was better that it happened this way than if it would’ve happened after the marriage took place.
 
And in the end, Adam took out his checkbook and handed her a signed, blank check.
 
At first, she refused it…saying that Tommy was just as responsible as he was for the break-up and threatened to take it to the tabloids.
 
When Adam blew her threat off, it just made things worse. He didn’t care what she said and to whom she said it. It wouldn’t tarnish his image any worse than any other fiasco he’d endured. If anything, it just made him stronger. Then when he ever so politely explained that to her…she saw red.
 
That’s when Anne lost it and went off on him. She called him every name under the sun and just when Adam thought he’d heard and seen it all…she smacked him across the face.
 
Adam finally had to take matters into his own hands. That’s when he forcefully had to restrain her and even went as far as threatening to take her to court for assault. That’s when it hit him. He wasn’t paying for anything. He grabbed his check out of her hand, laughing. “I’m not about to pay for anything, Anne…if anything, maybe this will teach you a lesson.”
 
“Oh…we’ll see about that, Mr. Lambert.”
 
“And just remember one thing, Anne…your daughter cheated on Tommy the weekend of the bachelorette party. I don’t know if you’re aware of that or not and seeing as how your husband has a mistress, I highly doubt you'd even care.” Adam let go of her arms and folded them in front of his chest. “But I think a judge would find it interesting…and seeing as how I know some witnesses to the event, your daughter doesn’t have a chance at trying to deny it.”
 
He’d never seen a woman so mad in her entire life. When Anne finally stood to her feet, she damned him straight to Hell and verbally told him that she hoped he would drop dead within the month.
 
When Adam knocked on the door, Tommy's mother asked who it was before opening it. He could tell by her eyes that she probably had about as much sleep as he did. None.
 
“Hi, Adam,” She glanced over her shoulder back into the room. “Tommy’s really not up to seeing anyone right now.”
 
Adam placed his hand on her shoulder. “I know…how’s he doing?”
 
She stepped out in the hallway and quietly shut the door. “He’s not doing very good, honey. Anne was here first thing this morning.”
 
Adam withdrew his hand and brought it to his head, raking it through his hair. “What’d she have to say?”
 
“Well…I wouldn’t let her see Tommy, thank God. Tommy doesn’t need this right now…he’s pretty upset about the whole thing.” She rubbed her neck. “She threatened to sue Tommy for the money she’s spent on this wedding.”
 
Adam shook his head. “Don’t worry about that…she’s just blowing hot air.”
 
“Honey, listen…I don’t want you trying to pay her off. If she wants to sue us, let her. There isn’t much she can get anyway.”
 
He opened his arms, pulling her into a hug. “She’s not going to sue anyone…I won’t let that happen.”
 
Adam looked up when the door to the room slowly opened. When his eyes met Tommy’s, he tried to smile. He looked like hell. “Hey.”
 
“Hey.”
 
She stepped out of Adam’s embrace and turned to her son. “Adam came to see how you were doing.”
 
“Oh.”
 
She looked at Adam. “Why don’t you two go out on the balcony? I’m going to go and check us out…we’re leaving in a couple of hours.”
 
Tommy nodded towards Adam and he walked through the door. Placing his arm around Tommy's mom before she left, he turned her around. “This really was for the best.”
 
“I know that…it isn’t me you need to convince.”
 
Adam shut the door and walked out on the balcony where Tommy was already standing. He was only dressed in his sweatpants. His make-up from the day before had left dark smudges under his eyes. His hair stood out in every direction and his fingernails were practically chewed down to the cuticle. He was a complete mess.
 
No words were spoken as Adam leaned against the railing of the balcony. Tommy moved to the chair after a while and finally broke the silence. “Why didn’t you tell me about Amanda?”
 
Adam wasn’t sure what he was talking about exactly. “Tell you what?”
 
“That she cheated on me.”
 
Oh that… Adam turned his back to the railing and leaned up against it. Crossing his arms in front of his chest, he looked at Tommy. He looked absolutely devastated…like he’d lost his best friend.
 
He hadn’t lose his best friend though…didn’t he know that?
 
“It wasn’t my business, Tommy.”
 
Tommy looked at him and Adam saw sadness in his eyes. “Wasn’t your business?”
 
He shook his head. “It wasn’t.”
 
“How can you say that? You knew that my fiancée cheated on me and you didn’t think it was your business?”
 
Adam shrugged. It wasn’t his business, not really. “Would it have made any difference if I had?”
 
Tommy’s eyes widened. “Yes…” He shook his head then. “No…I don’t know, Adam…”
 
“Would you have even believed me, Tommy?”
 
Tommy remained quiet.
 
“Or would you have thought that I was making it all up so that you would leave her and come to me?" Adam crouched down and placed his hands on Tommy's knees. “Would you have come to me then?”
 
Tommy looked directly into his eyes and remained silent.
 
“Would you have fallen into my bed then? To get back at Amanda?” Adam’s eyes started to tear. “That’s not what I wanted. I wanted you to choose me because you loved me not because you were hurt by your fiancée.”
 
“But you never even gave me the chance, Adam…” he whispered.
 
Adam stood up and walked back to the balcony. He turned to stare out at the scenery before him and willed himself not to break down. “I couldn’t afford to give you that chance…”
 
Tommy stood up and walked over to the balcony. “You couldn’t afford to give me that chance? What kind of a friend are you anyway?”
 
Adam turned slightly to look right at him. “A good friend.”
 
“How can you say that?”
 
“Because I know it’s true. Amanda was my friend too…and I didn’t think that by stepping into the middle of it that I would’ve been doing anyone any favors. It really wasn’t up to me to tell you.” Adam grabbed his hand. “I wanted her to tell you.”
 
“She wasn’t going to tell me, Adam…you know that. I would’ve married her and you would’ve let me.” Tommy pulled his hand from Adam's, shaking his head. “Are you so wrapped up in this rock-star lifestyle now that even you have no more morals?”
 
Adam was hurt. Tommy was assuming things about him now that weren’t true. “I don’t know, Tommy…what kind of morals do I have? I fell in love with someone who was engaged to be married. That isn’t really what I would call having good morals, would you?” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. “But no matter what you think, I was being a friend.” He placed his fist over his heart. “And when things calm down and everything is clearer to you…you’ll see just how good a friend I actually was.”
 
Tommy couldn’t control his emotions anymore. The sadness surfaced in his face. Adam wanted nothing more than to reach out for him and embrace him. He loved Tommy. He wanted Tommy. He needed Tommy.
 
Turning his back to Adam, Tommy tried to catch his breath. “What’s going to happen now?”
 
“I’m going back to LA tonight.” Adam wanted to ask Tommy to come home with him, but he knew Tommy wouldn’t. Rather than risk the heartache of hearing Tommy refuse him, he didn’t ask. “I'm due back in the studio next month.”
 
“And then what?”
 
“Then I’ll probably take another break before the release of the album and then we're off to promote it and then the touring will start, I suppose.”
 
Tommy turned to face him. Taking his hands, he rubbed his eyes. “I mean…I mean…what happens to us now?”
 
Adam reached for him. Tommy backed up. “I don’t know, Tommy…that’s up to you.”
 
What did Tommy want him to say?
He couldn’t read Tommy's mind…
 
“Oh.”
 
Adam stepped up to Tommy and kissed his forehead. “I’ll wait, Tommy…however long it takes for you to realize what you want out of life, I’ll wait.”
 
Adam turned and walked back in the room. Turning around, he noticed that Tommy didn’t move. Tommy didn’t make any move to stop him.
 
Slowly, he headed out the door.
 

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December 2011

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