Leap of Faith - Chapter 20

[something_rare]

Title: Leap of Faith
Pairing: Jensen Ackles /Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 3,667
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta, bigj52   . I learn from you everyday.
Summery: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.






Chapter 20:

Jared found himself in a place he did not even want to be in. He was waiting near an abandoned warehouse, waiting for Patrick to show up, and he did, with a big grin on his face and suddenly Jared had the strongest urge to wipe that grin off his face.

“You got my money?”  Patrick asked, grinning mischievously.

“Yeah,” Jared whispered.

“Hey, don’t be like that, pretty boy.”

“Just take the fucking money so I can get the hell out of here, scumbag.”

Patrick narrowed his eyes to little slits as his face screwed up into an ugly grimace.

“Oh, so now you actually think you are any better than me? How will your fans react if they knew what you were into?"

“This is about you and me, Patrick," Jared hissed his teeth.  He reached into the glove compartment and pulled out an envelope, and shoved it hard into Patrick’s chest.

“Easy, tiger!” Patrick teased.

“Ten grand, just as you wanted.  You can check for yourself," Jared said. Patrick smiled and shook his head.

“Oh, there is no need. I trust you, pretty boy. I know you wouldn't risk it, you better not,” Patrick said as he shoved the envelope in his jacket.

“Just wait for my call. I will let you know where and when our next meeting will be,” Patrick said as he began to walk away and then stopped, “Oh and give Jensen a big thank you kiss for me, you know, for making you do this.”

Jared stood there, in shock, wondering what Patrick meant by that.


 _______________________________

When Jared got home that night, Jensen told him that Tom was in town for a visit and they were going to hang out with Tom and his new girlfriend, Kristin at a club Tom had suggested they would hit. Jared was stressed and tired. After his little meeting with Patrick, he just wanted a quiet night at home with Jensen. But he agreed to go anyway, since Jensen seemed so eager to hang out with Tom after such a long time, and especially since things were not really all that great between Jared and Tom, due to the way Tom had acted when they had first moved to Nashville. The couple walked down to a strip bar door, where Tom and Kristin were standing, waiting for them.

"This is the place I was telling you about, Jensen," Tom said.

“Guys, do you realize it’s a strip club?” Jared asked.

"Yes. I’ve never been in one of these before. Let’s go," Kristin said as they walked in, and Jared swallowed, searching Jensen’s body language for any sign of discomfort. Naked women were dancing everywhere. It was not hard to get a lap dance and more, if someone was so inclined and Tom was definitely inclined. Jared had always felt guilty for his one-night stands, not so much for a quick blow job or fuck with a stripper but those were the old days. He was in a relationship now, with his best friend.

“Hello, naked women," Jensen said and stopped just inside the door.

"Those would be the strippers," Jared said dryly. He was not quite sure how he felt about being there with his man. His man. That sounded weird. Not that because he didn’t like it, but because he was talking about his best friend here. Plus, the cheapness of that place totally reminded Jared of his little incident with Patrick and that was the last thing he wanted to remember or think about. Jared nodded toward Tom and Kristin and took off in that direction. He sat down next to Tom and pulled Jensen next to him.

Tom kissed Kristin on her cheek, "Ah, my favorite woman, surrounded by many, many naked women. My life is complete."

Jensen looked at Jared, "Have you ever screwed strippers at these places before?”

"Beer, please!" Jared yelled to the waitress. Jensen laughed.

“You are awfully nosey,” Tom teased.

“Just curious. Lots of things I don’t know about this lifestyle.”

 About that time a girl came over and danced in front of Jensen. She squatted before him and moved suggestively, her hands traced over her breasts and pinched her hard nipples. She was wearing a very small g-string. It barely covered the slit of her waxed pussy. Jensen grabbed one of Tom’s dollar bills and tucked it in at the girl’s hip. The girl leaned over and kissed Jensen. Just a quick kiss. Jensen was a little shocked and looked over to see Tom smiling.

“What?”

Tom motioned behind Jensen and he turned to see Jared, whose eyes were closed, head thrown back, and chugging a beer.

Tom leaned over, "He didn’t even see her kiss you."

"Beer, please!" Jared yelled as he sat the first one down.

The next girl stopped by Tom and Kristin. Similar scenario. Jensen leant over Jared, "See anything?"

“I see lots of things,” Jared’s hands slid his hand behind the table and grabbed Jensen through his jeans. His eyes ran over Jensen.

“Interested in anything you see?”

“No!” Jared almost shouted.

The waitress brought his beer and Jensen took it, "What’ll you give me for this?"

Jared grabbed Jensen harder, “That for starters.”

Jensen smiled and handed him the beer, "Thank you. I need that."

Jared took a long drink then put it down on the bar, still watching Jensen. "Don’t watch me, watch them. I want to watch you watch them."

"Don’t, Jensen," Jared warned and took another drink. Jensen was prying into a part of Jared’s life that Jared was not ready to reveal. He wondered how Jensen would react if Jared revealed his secrets about the girls he had been with, if he revealed his secret about Patrick blackmailing him, using him.

"I want to see what you used to see,” Jensen brushed the hair from his forehead, “I want to know your dirty little secrets.”

Jared caught his hand, "Jensen, I said don’t," he took another drink, "Fuck this. Get up," He grabbed Jensen’s arm and took off. Jared’s legs took long strides and Jensen almost had to run to keep up. Jared did not say a word all the way back to his house. Once in the bedroom, Jared turned on Jensen, "What in the hell was that about?"

"What are you talking about?" Jensen asked, obviously lost.

"Wanting to watch me. Those questions about me fucking strippers. What is that about?" Jared shouted, standing in the middle of the room. He looked unusually big to Jensen.

"I want to get to know you all over again, now ….and then."

"Why? Why that stuff? Why on earth do you need to know that stuff?"

"Jared, you are my boyfriend. We have been friends forever, yes, but there are still things I don’t know about you. I see your fans, their craziness; I see the mayhem you cause just by walking into an arena or a hotel. I don’t know shit about this part of your life. I don’t know much about your past with girls. Being in that club, I got to see what you used to do, before us. I wanted to know more," Jensen was yelling now, too.

"Wanted to know more? Like what? Like how I would go to clubs with the sole purpose of getting laid? How I would get Matt or Patrick to pick girls for me? You want to know who would fuck your boyfriend for money? You want to know how I usually went for the ethnic girls? You want to know how I’d slip her a hundred and then take her to the back room, maybe get a blow job, maybe a quick fuck, maybe an ass fuck if that’s what I wanted? Is that enough fucking details for you? You want to know how your boyfriend usually didn’t even know her name, and didn’t give a shit?  Is that enough goddamned detail for you, Jensen?" Jared stood there, breathing hard, staring at Jensen angrily, “I can’t fucking believe this! I’ve changed my fucking lifestyle for you, you asshole! Did you want proof that I am keeping to my end of the deal?  I left all that shit behind the minute I decided to give us a chance, Jensen and now you know the worst fucking part of my life, the part that I always tried to hide from you, the part I never wanted you to know.”

They stood in the middle of the room staring at each other. Jensen glanced down his body and noticed his hard on. Jared felt it. He was drunk, pissed, and now hard as Hell. He crossed the room to Jensen in three steps. He grabbed Jensen’s hand and yanked Jensen to him. His mouth crushed down on Jensen’s and he greedily kissed Jensen. Jensen fought against him, trying to get free from him. He couldn’t. Then he didn’t want to. Jensen felt himself being pushed backward. He came in contact with the back of the couch. Jared undid his pants releasing the pressure against his cock. He turned Jensen around and ripped his pants down. Jared pushed Jensen over and Jensen held onto the couch and screamed as Jared entered him. Jared did not use any lubrication and he had no control. It took no time for him to come, "Jensen, oh fuck. Oh my god …damn it!" Jared released the hold he had on Jensen and let him stand up.

Jensen turned to look at Jared. Jensen’s pants around his thighs, his cock hanging out of his pants. Jared ran his hands through his hair. He’d just taken Jensen in anger. He had just made a bad situation worse. A stupid fight fueled by his shame. Jared could not say anything. He could not even look at Jensen. He was too ashamed. Jared felt a hand on his arm. He looked up to Jensen’s beautiful face as he just stood there, looking at Jared. The anger Jared expected was nowhere in Jensen’s eyes. All Jared saw was the love he knew so well. He grabbed Jensen again, this time out of need and desperation. Desperately needing to be loved, to be accepted despite the things he most hated about himself. The things he was ashamed of. Jensen held Jared as his body gave in and was wracked by sobs. Tears of shame, pain, and regret came pouring out of Jared. Jensen just held on.

It took a long time for Jared to get himself back under control. They did not move from the middle of the floor. Jensen’s arms ached from holding Jared so tight. Something he knew he would gladly do again. All Jensen did was hold Jared and occasionally run his fingers through Jared’s hair and kiss his face. Jensen did not talk to Jared, except for telling Jared that he loved him and that made Jared cry harder, so Jensen stopped doing that. He led Jared to the bed when he felt it was time. He sat against the headboard and pulled Jared to him again. Jared lay with his head buried in Jensen’s neck for several minutes holding Jensen’s hand to his chest as Jensen’s other hand rubbed his back. Jensen was in tears too. He did not fully understand what was going on, but seeing Jared so small, so young, so hurt, and so weak broke his heart into pieces. He decided he would wait and hold Jared all night if Jared needed him to. Jared finally sat back and saw Jensen’s tears, "Oh god, baby. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean . . . I never should have . . . I’m so sorry," Jared started to cry again.

"Stop, Jared. Don’t apologize. I’m fine. We’re fine."

"I have no right to touch you in anger."

Jensen took Jared’s face in his hands, waited for Jared’s eyes to reach his, "Jared, did you once hear me say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ or hit you?"

"No," A very small voice said.

"Then stop," Jared hugged him again, "Baby, I love you. I’ll always love you. There’s nothing you could have done that would ever change that. I love the man you are now, whatever you did, whatever you went through to get here is just part of it."

"I don’t know what I did to deserve you."

"You were born. That’s all it takes," Jensen kissed his lips tenderly, "Do you want to talk about this, do you want go to sleep, or just sit here?"

"I owe you an explanation," Jared said as he ran his thumb across Jensen’s cheek.

"You don’t owe me anything."

"Everything I said is true. I did that. You just wouldn’t believe what you can do, the weird power that comes with this, and I took advantage of it a lot. You saw parts of it but never the whole thing. I always tried to hide it from you, from my family. I was raised better than that. I never wanted to lose their trust or yours, but in private I did all that. The drinking, the drugs.”

“Of course you did. You were just eighteen, how were you supposed to resist the temptation?

“I never saw you high on drugs or drunk as hell, and you were eighteen too.”

“Oh baby, trust me, I did all that. I tried drugs once or twice when I was with Chris.”

“Then how come I never knew about that?”

"You never asked.”

"God, we have known each other all this time and still we have so much to learn about each other," Jared said as he held Jensen, "Jensen, I never wanted you to know about that stuff. How I treated people, those women. They were strippers but I treated them like whores.”

"Well, if they took money for sex they were whores."

Simple but true. Jared wondered if Patrick was one too. He was taking his money, wasn’t he?

"I know but I didn’t need to treat them like that. Not even ask a name. I did so many things I’m ashamed of,” Jared said, thinking ‘If you only knew it all, Jensen, if only you knew about Patrick’, “ Tonight watching you upset and asking questions made me feel like such shit. I don’t know what was worse, knowing what I did, or knowing you didn’t know. I shouldn’t have tried to hide it."

Shit! And here I am, still hiding shit from you, Jensen! Fuck!

"You didn’t hide this. We’ve never talked about this."

"I mean tonight. Trying not to just tell you made things worse. Yelling and screaming it all at you. I should have just sat us down and talked."

"Yes, we should have just sat down and talked."

"Forgive me?" Jared threw in a good pout, hoping against hope that Jensen would forgive him once he found out the whole truth about Patrick too.

"Always," Jensen hugged him and positioned his body between Jared’s legs, leaning against his firm chest. They simply sat there, both lost in their thoughts.

“You ok, Jensen? You've been quiet."

Jensen squeezed Jared’s knee to reassure him that everything was OK and he was not upset about their little confrontation.

"Yeah, I'm ok.  I'm just tired and,-” Jensen paused, deciding not to rock the boat anymore that night, but Jared had already picked up on the vibes.

"What's the matter, Jen? You still mad?”

"I’m not mad baby. I was thinking about Tom’s suggestion.”

“Tom? What did he say?”

“We were talking about Texas tonight and he asked why you and I are not going back there for Christmas. It’s been too long, you know.”

"I can't, Jensen.  I have to work."

"It's just one week, not the whole month, Jared."

"Come on man, you said you wouldn't sweat me about this."

"I'm not sweating you Jared, but this is not an unreasonable request.  We hardly get to spend any time together with you in the studio 24/7 and..."

"And you knew it was going be this way.  It's going to be hard, I know, but this is my job and if I don't get my albums out on time, then I'm in trouble.  I can only imagine how frustrated you must be but if we're going to do this it’s how things will have to be for a while, at least until the end of this album. Then I'm going to be taking an extra long vacation with you - wherever you want to go."

“Fine! Whatever! Do what you gotta do,” Jensen said as he crawled away from Jared’s arms to his side of the bed and lay down, his back to Jared. He soon felt Jared’s hand on his hip.

"I'm trying baby, I really am but if we're going to make this work, you have to give me some time to get my shit together," Jared said, his hand still on Jensen’s hip.

Jensen finally turned back, facing Jared, “I know you are, Jared, and I appreciate it but...I can't help but feel like...we aren't spending enough time together, I know you know that.  If I don't see you in the studio, I don't see you, period!"

Jared caressed Jensen’s chest gently and Jensen just about melted at the touch of his hand.

“I'll make it up to you Jensen, I promise I will,” Jared paused for a second and then continued, “But not this Christmas," Jared said, “Just…don’t be mad.”

“I'm not mad.  Disappointed maybe but not mad.  This is your job, your life..."Jensen said, his voice trailing off which made Jared feel even guiltier.

“I love you Jared. I love you so much and I would do anything for you, even if it meant having to wait for you to make time for me.  That's the sacrifice I'm willing to make for our relationship."

For some reason, what Jensen said caused all the guilt Jared was feeling throughout the night to turn into anger and Patrick's words rang in Jared’s ears.

Oh and give Jensen a big thank you kiss for me, you know, for making you do this.

It was all starting to make sense.

“I make sacrifices for this relationship too, Jensen," Jared stated trying not to let his words sound venomous.

Jensen raised his eyebrows.

“Sure you do,” Jensen said. To Jared, he did not sound convinced.

“What?!” Jared  asked, “You don't think I put enough effort or 'sacrifice' into our relationship?"

“Jared, I didn't say that!”  Jensen said as he sat up on the bed.

“Well, it sure sounds like it.  Do you think this is easy for me, Jensen? Fuck!  I have to watch my every move when I'm around you.  One wrong look, one wrong touch and that shit will hit the fan.  Have you ever thought of that or are you too busy trying to figure out my ‘dirty little secrets’ or making 'sacrifices' for our relationship?” Jared said as he looked at Jensen to see his eyes begin to mist. Suddenly, he jumped out of bed and started getting dressed.

"Jensen? What are you doing?"

“Leaving,” Jensen said not looking at Jared.

"What?"

"Leaving!" 

This time the message came across loud and clear.

“Come on, Jensen! I didn't mean that. It's just that a lot of shit,-” Jared paused to see Jensen walking up to the door and flung it open. Jared jumped out of the bed, trying to stop him from leaving.

“Jensen! Come on! We have a little argument and you suddenly want to leave? What are you? Five?”

“No, it’s you who is acting like a child here! Everything always has to be about you.  It's like I'm not even a part of this fucking relationship.  It's your career, your image, your time, your fans, your persona.  You make mistakes and every time it’s me who has to step forward and apologize. I’m not taking this shit from you anymore. So I’m leaving.”

“Fuck you then! Be a fucking pussy and run away!”

Jensen’s eyes widened and regret washed over Jared. He could not believe he had said that to Jensen.

“Get out of my way,” Jensen whispered.

"Jensen,-"

"Just get out of my way.  I'm sure you don't want to have anything to do with this pussy."

"I'm sorry Jensen. I didn't mean it."

Jensen pulled out his cell phone and began punching in numbers.

"Get away or I will call the cops and if I get them on the phone, I will spill our shit to them, you get that?  I will tell them everything."

Jared looked at him for a sign, something to tell him that Jensen was just bluffing but he did not see it.

"Fine!  Leave if you want to but let’s talk about this Jensen, please.  Don't leave when you are still mad at me."

"I don't have anything to say to you Jared, nothing!  Just leave me the hell alone," Jared could see that it was a no-win situation so he just stepped away and watched as Jensen walked out.

Maybe this is for the best.  Who are we to think that this can ever work out?  I can’t even maintain a straight relationship in this business. How the Hell can I expect to maintain one with Jensen?

Jared knew it would not be easy to erase what Jensen had come to mean to him in such a short period of time.  Jensen had been there for him so much in his life and the one thing Jensen needed from him was Jared’s time and undivided attention and Jared could not even provide that for him. So maybe Jared needed to let Jensen go, give him the opportunity to find someone who would not be afraid to hold his hand in public, someone whose career would not take center stage to his love.  Jared thought if Jensen was ever his friend that was what he needed to do for him.

It was something Jared was going to have to do, no matter what.



Chapter 21