Leap of Faith - Chapter 28
Mar. 9th, 2010 12:07 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Leap of Faith
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 5,538
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.
Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 28:
It was as if Jensen’s worst nightmare was coming true. It seemed as if all that he had feared was coming to pass. It had been the third time that this had happened, and just like before, there was nothing that Jared could do to prevent or even stop it.
"Fuck. Fuck!" Jared's voice resounded in the small garage and created echoes that seemed to bounce off every surface.
"Calm down, baby, calm down," Jensen whispered, placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder, trying to keep things under control, but all that he seemed to achieve was the opposite effect.
"How the fuck do you expect me to calm down? This is the third time this shit has happened! You know how much fucking money it takes to fix this shit?!?" Jared screamed, shaking Jensen’s hand off his shoulder and striding away from Jensen.
All Jensen could do was stand off to the side, like a lump of coal, and remain quiet. He should have been used to things by now. Used to these bouts of anger Jared displayed every time his property was vandalized, used to the slurs and threatening phone calls that came day in and day out, used to the hundreds of hate mail Jared had received since his coming out announcement. Jensen should have been used to all of it by now, but he wasn't. He would never get used to any of it. And despite his promise to Jared, and to himself, Jensen wasn't so sure anymore if he was strong enough to stand up with Jared and take his share of the backlash.
He had expected a backlash, there's always a backlash, but this...this was a crucifixion. They were out to crucify and destroy Jared, his music, his self-esteem, his property, anything that made him Jared, and even though Jensen hated to admit it, it appeared as if they were succeeding. They had managed to destroy Jared’s drive to create music, his inspiration, his ever-loving spirit, and more importantly, they managed to drive a big, wide wedge between the two of them. They had inadvertently turned the love of Jensen’s life against him, and were slowly turning what they had into a crumbling pile of nothing, and no matter what Jensen did, what he tried to do, things just continued to spiral downward.
From a distance, Jensen could only stand aside helplessly and watch as Jared surveyed the damage to his vehicle. The front, side and back windows were all smashed into the vehicle leaving pieces of glass scattered all around.
The driver's side door was dented in and the passenger's side rear door was scraped so badly that the original coating of paint was visible. Inside, the radio was missing and the leather seating was ripped apart, leaving the stuffing visible for all to see.
Seeing all of that, Jensen thought that things couldn't get any worse until,
"Fuck!"
Jensen wouldn't be surprised if the entire neighborhood had heard Jared’s war cry. He literally ran over to where Jared stood, and his eyes grew wide as he found the source of Jared’s anguish. Etched onto the hood of his SUV were the words:
Watch your back, faggot!
Jensen was speechless as he read the words over and over again, and all he could think was that this had crossed the line. That had made everything else seem insignificant. Those hateful words had drawn a line in the sand and had gone too far by threatening harm to Jared.
"We should call the police, Jared. We need to call the police, right now," Jensen barely managed to get out. But it seemed as if his words fell on deaf ears.
"Fuck the police!" Jared cried.
"Jared..." Jensen started, and stopped as Jared looked at him, eyes glaring, reflecting pure anger, something that he hadn't known existed till that moment. That wasn't like Jared. That anger wasn't like Jared at all, that wasn't who he was.
"I am not calling the cops, Jensen, and that's that. I'm going to handle this by myself and I want you to stay out of it." It was more of an order than a request and it left Jensen feeling inferior and not important enough to be included in the decision-making process.
"What are you going to do, Jared?" Jensen asked, unsure as to whether or not he really wanted to know the answer.
Jared didn't look up at Jensen when he answered, but instead walked the short distance to his new Mercedes, opened the front door, kneeled down and reappeared carrying a handgun.
"I'm going to fuck up whoever did this to my car."
Jensen’s heart rate sped up and he watched Jared walk through the garage and into the house. He followed closely behind and watched as Jared walked into the bedroom and slammed the door shut in Jensen’s face. A feeling of dread washed over Jensen as he heard Jared’s elevated voice through the door recounting the sordid details to someone on the other end of the line. Jensen wanted so badly to just burst in there and hold Jared, comfort him and let him know that he wanted to help him, make all that he was feeling, all that he was going through seem like just a nightmare that he would soon wake up from. But he couldn't do that. How could he when Jared wouldn't even allow him to get close enough to put in his two cents worth? Jared was hurting, Jensen knew that, but he couldn't help him, no matter how hard he tried. Jared seemed determined to keep Jensen at arm's length and for that, it made the pain Jensen felt deep inside his chest, all the more painful. And he had to wonder if things between them would ever get back to the way they were.
_______________________________
"You want some dinner, baby?" Jensen asked, turning to look at Jared from his vantage point in the kitchen.
Jared didn't even turn to look Jensen’s way.
"Jared, are you hungry? I can make anything you want. There's some steak in the freezer, or we could order a pizza or some Chinese or...," Jensen let his words fade off into the distance as he realized that Jared wasn't paying him any attention, instead, choosing to focus all his concentration on the blank television screen. He had been like that for almost an hour and a half, and had refused to open up to Jensen about what was going on inside his head.
"Fine," Jensen started, willing himself to stay calm, "Stay in front of the television. I don't give a damn."
That didn't seem to make an impact and it made Jensen all the more uneasy.
"Pretend like I'm not even standing here talking to you."
Jared still didn't respond and it was as if something inside Jensen had snapped.
"Why the fuck don't you answer me? At least have the goddamn decency to acknowledge that I'm standing here!"
Even that failed to get Jared’s attention. Instead, Jared got up, grabbed his car keys off the kitchen counter , walked through the garage door and slammed it hard behind him. Jensen barely managed to keep it together long enough for Jared to screech out of the driveway and take off down the street before breaking down right there in the kitchen.
_______________________________
Jared could not get his thoughts straight. They were just a mass of jumbled ideas scattered in all corners of his brain and he had the fleeting urge to just take his gun, put it to his head and pull the trigger. Of course he didn't think that he was insane, stupid, or fucking drunk enough to even think about it too seriously, and put all thoughts of suicide to the back of his mind.
Things had gone from bad to worse in a matter of days after the announcement, and Jared found himself unprepared for the backlash. Of course, he had expected there to be some controversy but that...that was too fucking unbelievable. His life was all over the place: the media, including television, radio and print, began writing all sort of degrading articles about him, mostly false and misunderstood hearsay. But to his fans, the people who had once looked up to him, viewed him as a role model and had spent their hard-earned money on his albums, it was the gospel truth. He was everything from the scum on the street to a no-good asshole that was out to corrupt the youth of America. He had everyone from the ministers who had once praised his singing when he was younger, to the higher levels of management looking down on him as if he was a walking disease. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Matt had warned him that this could happen, but Jared just had to have his own way and followed what was in his heart rather than what was in his head. And now he was paying for it.
Of course, through it all, there had been Jensen. He had been there with Jared, by Jared’s side as he had promised, and as promised, he tried to help Jared deal with all of that, but all he managed to do was bring out the worst in Jared. Not intentionally of course, but it happened. It was as if Jared’s mind was having a hard time separating Jensen from all he had to deal with. If it wasn't for Jensen, Jared would never have realized that he was gay. He would never have realized that he felt that way about him and Jared most definitely would never have realized that his life was much better with Jensen in it than out of it. But now, all of that had become a moot point as all Jared could think about was that his life, his career and everything that he stood for was turning to nothing right before his eyes. It was as if he had a continuous urge to hurt Jensen in any way that he could. It was as if Jared wanted Jensen to go through what he was going through and to feel the pain that Jared was feeling. It was as if he wanted to reach deep down into Jensen’s chest and pull out his heart. For no apparent reason, Jared wanted to push Jensen as far as he could just to see what it would take to make Jensen crack like an egg. And thinking about his earlier outburst, Jared knew that to some degree he was succeeding.
Jared should have felt some remorse, some inkling of disgust as to why he wanted to hurt the man who had stood by him and continued to stand by him. But surprisingly, he didn't and that was what let Jared know that he had been pushed to his limits. To want to hurt Jensen like that, and not even feel guilty, let Jared know that he had allowed things to get out of control.
_______________________________
At around two a.m. Jared made his way home, barely managing to keep from running his car off the side of the road or into the guardrail. He had spent the majority of the afternoon drinking hard liquor in some bar. After roughly several hours of trying to forget, Jared found himself unable to fend off sleep anymore, so he made his way home. Pulling into the garage, Jared saw that his SUV had been covered with a tarp, and that the surrounding area of glass had been cleaned up. Inside, the house was plunged into darkness except for a single light that illuminated the hallway from the living room into the bedroom. As Jared walked down the hallway and into his room, he was surprised to find that the bed was empty. The thought that he would be spending the night alone, after all the day's events made him more depressed than ever but Jared knew he deserved it. After all he had said and thought about Jensen, he fucking deserved to be alone tonight, and the next night and the night after that.
"Jared."
Jensen turned at the sound of his name and spotted Jensen standing in the doorway, hands folded across his chest. Jared couldn't see his face as it was partially covered by the moonlight shining through the window but he was able to make out an expression. It wasn't one that Jared was fond of seeing. Jensen’s usual smiling face was turned into a frown and his usual smooth forehead was filled with temporary wrinkles. His brows were furrowed and the light in his usually bright eyes was gone. For the first time in weeks, Jared felt a momentary twinge of guilt at the thought that he had done that to Jensen. Jared tried to disguise the fact that he was drunk but Jensen wasn't fooled and he let Jared know it.
"Drinking yourself into a coma isn't going to solve anything, Jared," he stated with conviction.
"I know."
"And behaving as if the whole world is against you won't either," he continued.
"I know."
"And treating me the way you have been for the past few weeks won't change things or make them return to the way they were. Blaming me for everything won't make things OK again."
"I know, dammit!" Jared finally shouted, unable to keep his cool. He was losing control of the situation and there was not a damn thing he could do about it.
"Then if you know all of that, why are you acting like...like this...like I'm not here.... like I don't fucking exist for you?" Jensen’s voice was low but that did little to conceal the anger that came through in his tone.
Jared found himself unable to provide an answer to his question.
"I don't know, OK, so just get off my fucking back about it, ‘cause I just don't fucking know."
The truth of the matter was that he did know. It was crystal clear to Jared why he was acting like that but there was no way in Hell he could relay that information to Jensen. He would have been crushed.
There was simply no good way to tell Jensen that Jared blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in his life. It wasn't anything specific that he said or did, but rather his very presence. It came down to the fact that if it weren't for him, Jared’s life would have been empty but still unscathed. He would have still been the Jared that everyone looked up to, the Jared that the fans called for at every show, the Jared that didn't fuck around with men, and most importantly, the Jared that didn't allow himself to fall in love with another man. That's right, if it wasn't for Jensen, Jared would never have fallen in love, and for that, Jared not only hated himself, he hated Jensen.
Jensen’s voice broke Jared’s train of thought.
"You don’t know. You never know!! I don't know why I even bother putting up with this, Jared. I just don't know why because the headaches seem to outweigh any rewards that I could possibly get from this," Jensen paused momentarily, and took a deep breath before he continued, "And another thing, it's not only you that has to deal with this shit when it happens, OK? My stuff has been vandalized, too, and my personal life has been plastered all over the tabloids as well; so for once, I wish you would just stop being so fucking selfish, and consider someone else's feelings other than your own," And in a softer, milder tone he added, "it's not only you who has been hurt by this, Jared. I'm in it with you as well, so stop making me the enemy when I'm not."
"God!! Why the fuck is this happening?"Jared called out to no one in particular as he sunk down onto the bed, his head in his hands.
Moments later he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, gently kneading his flesh, and Jensen's soothing words filling Jared’s head, "I love you so much, Jared. Don't push me away. Not when we've come so close to this. I know it's hard right now but it'll pass and someday...someday we'll look back on this and laugh about it, I promise you that. But right now...you've got to roll with the punches."
A sardonic laugh escaped Jared’s throat and he shook Jensen’s hands off his shoulders.
"Yeah, right! We'll laugh about it? Please, Jensen. Wake up and smell the fucking coffee. This is my goddamn life we're talking about! But you know what? I wouldn't expect you to understand….."
Jensen stopped Jared in mid-sentence and came to stand before Jared,
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He questioned.
"Figure it out. You live your whole life in a fucking vacuum, and are so goddamn naïve about what's going on around you, and that annoys the hell out of me," And that was all it took to get Jared to let it all out, "And you think that you're going through what I go through? That what you deal with can even be compared to the shit I've had heaped on me in the last few weeks...you actually think that there is a comparison, Jensen?"
At that moment it didn't matter to Jared that Jensen was standing in front of him, virtually in tears, trying fruitlessly to keep his composure as he responded to Jared’s harsh words.
"I never imagined in a hundred years that you'd turn into such an asshole, Jared.... After everything we've been through and all that we've sacrificed to make this work...how could you..." Jensen’s words folded, and were promptly replaced by a mass of sobs that seemed to rack his entire body.
The momentary urge to reach out and hold him gripped Jared’s insides, but he didn't, he couldn't. Instead, he blocked Jensen’s image out of his head, and made his way out of the bedroom, only stopping momentarily at the door to grab his keys off the dresser, not even taking the time to look back at the mess he had created.
_______________________________
"How are you holding up, man?" The man in front of Jared was his last hope, his last stop before he would completely lose his mind. If Matt wasn't there, Jared knew he would have fucked with somebody already.
"How the fuck do you think I'm doing, man? I got press on my ass 24/7, the goddamn tabloids printing shit about me left and right, and let's not forget those jerks upstairs that are trying to push me out. That answer your question?"
Matt didn't even flinch, instead choosing to open his desk drawer and pull out a bag filled with weed.
"Here," he said, throwing the bag Jared’s way, "Take a hit and see if this helps."
Jared opened the bag and removed a blunt from it. He hadn't done that in a long time and as he lit the joint and inhaled, memories of days long gone by filled his head.
"Feel better?" He asked, looking across the desk at Jared, his face still neutral.
"A little," Jared admitted, closing his eyes, trying for the moment to forget his problems.
"Good. I know this has been hard on you, Jared, it has to have been hard on you and Jensen..."
"This isn’t about him!" Jared said abruptly, in a harsh tone of voice that even surprised him. But as before Matt didn't flinch,
"It involves both of you, whether you want to admit to it or not."
Jared didn't know if Matt expected a response or not, but he didn't provide one. He couldn’t even if he wanted to, not with the effect of the weed taking place.
"We made that decision to involve him in this,-"
Jared stopped him before he could continue, "No. No! You made that decision to involve him. I was all against getting him involved in this mess but you...you insisted...so don't be trying to lay this on me. You brought him into this mess so you got to deal with his ass now. I shouldn't have to put up with it. I got enough shit of my own to deal with without having to think about what 'poor little Jensen' is going through. Fuck what Jensen's going through! This shit...this shit...fuck..."
It was as if Jared had run out of thoughts, that, or the weed had completely fucked up his processing skills. Either way Jared seemed unable to finish his thoughts coherently so he just stayed quiet.
"The only reason why I'm sitting here," Matt said, "and not on your ass, is because I have no fucking idea what you're going through right now. All I know is that you've been through Hell and back, and you're being treated unfairly by a lot of folks. But despite all that, I'm not going to sit here and allow you to turn this into some fucking pity party because it isn’t. You are not the only one being affected by this, Jared. You need to stop pretending like you're the sole victim of this because you're not. This is hurting a lot of people. Not to the same degree as you, but they are being hurt."
“Oh yeah? Like who? Give me the name of one person who can even come close to feeling what I've been feeling. Give me one name, man, just one."
Matt didn't hesitate to say it, "Jensen."
"Oh, man, don't start with that again. I told you he has nothing to do with this."
"He has everything to do with this. Have you seen the mail room lately? Jensen receives as much 'fan mail' as you do. Do you want to know what some of them say? Here, I'll read you a few," Matt reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a stack, opening one.
"This one is from a 'friendly' fifteen-year-old kid in New York, '...I wish your ass would set foot down in NYC and try to turn one of us gay. We'd strap you to a tree and make a real man out of you. I hear you live in Nashville, we should come pay you a visit one of these nights and see how you like being fucked by a bunch of niggers.' You want me to continue, Jared? Because it goes on and on about the creative ways in which they could mess Jensen up for what he supposedly did to you. Here's another one from a guy right in your own backyard, '...I think they should lynch your narrow ass for doing what you did with Jared. I don't think Jared's quote, coming out, end quote, was anything more than a fabrication to get your ass some attention especially since he fired you a while back. A bit of advice, keep your deviation to yourself.' And that's one of the more pleasant ones. Shall I go on? Because there are many, many, more of the same shit in here that will make you fucking cringe."
Despite his condition, Jared found himself unable to keep from reading a few of the unopened letters addressed to Jensen.
"Do you still think it's all about you, Jared? Cause it isn’t. It's not all about you; it was never all about you. Do you know how many people have lost their jobs over this? How many people have secretly applauded you for your honesty and have gotten kicked to the curb because of it? Do you have any fucking idea how much fucking heat I've taken because I okayed this shit, because I came out in support of you? Do you know how it fucking looks to see your ass being so ungrateful, after what all these people have done for you, least of all, Jensen?"
Jared was left speechless at Matt’s sudden declaration, and despite his efforts to dismiss it he just couldn't. Not after reading the letters and hearing a dose of the truth from Matt.
"I'm not here to be your father nor am I speaking as your manager. I'm here on your behalf as a friend. Trust me, Jared. This is just a bump in the road that will eventually pass and when it does, you don't want to be left friendless because you got stupid and selfish. You have a lot of support behind you, and you need to recognize and cherish that. You need to especially recognize and cherish what you have at home, ‘cause that boy has put up with a lot, if not more shit than you realize," Matt paused, maybe in the hope that Jared would agree, but when he remained quiet, he continued, "He cares what happens to you, Jared, more than you deserve at the moment."
Hearing Matt put it like that, so straightforward with no sugar coating made the smoke in Jared’s head clear and his thoughts scramble together again to form one coherent idea.
"I don't deserve him, do I?" It came out more as a declaration of truth rather than a question.
"The fuck you don't. In fact, if Jensen asked me today what he should do, I would tell him to drop you, but this isn't my decision to make, it never was, and it never will be. All I know is that you do not deserve that kid, Jared, not with your attitude. The way you've been treating him these past few weeks has disgusted me, and even though I hate to say it, I will; you're a selfish son of a bitch that needs a fucking reality check."
Jared just had that reality check. Matt's words, coupled with his newfound case of common sense left him with a heavy feeling of regret.
"What have I done?" Jared asked himself, his head finding his hands.
"You've fucked up, but so do we all. You think you're ready to stand up to the plate and act like a man?" Matt questioned, his eyes boring into Jared.
"Yes," Jared whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed at being called on his behavior.
"Good! Now get the fuck out of my office and go do what you have to do."
As Jared made a move to walk out the door, Matt stopped him with four simple words, "I'm here for you."
Jared didn't respond but he was sure Matt could tell by the look on his face that he was grateful.
_______________________________
Jared was not all that surprised to walk in and find that Jensen’s suitcases were packed and waiting to be moved out, but he was surprised to find that Jensen actually thought enough of him after everything that Jared had put him through to wait around and let Jared know in person what he was doing.
"You're leaving?" Jared asked, even though it was clear that he knew the answer to the question.
"Yeah," Jensen responded; his voice low and hushed as if he were afraid to speak any louder.
"Jensen, I...I don't want you to go, please...just stay," Jared begged.
"No, I won't, Jared. I've had enough. I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this. And besides, you've made it clear that this isn't about me. And you're right, it's not about me, it's about you and it's obvious I can't give you what you need right now, maybe I never could. And I know that you blame me for all of this - how can I compete with that? I can't, and I shouldn't have to. So I'm just going to leave you alone. Since I'm the problem, I'll remove myself from the situation."
Jensen made a move to pass Jared but Jared held onto his hand.
"Let me go, Jared, I'm tired, too tired to do this with you anymore. You were right...OK...this...all of this is my fault...all my fault." And with that Jensen broke down right beside Jared.
"No, it's not, baby, and I should have never made you feel like I did. This is not your fault; it's not anyone's fault but my own. I allowed them to fuck with my head, and I only got myself to blame. I don't want you to go, Jensen, I need you!"
"I can't, Jared...I can't...I...I can't do this...anymore. I love you but I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you blaming me for everything...I can't do it..."
"And you shouldn't have to deal with it, baby. I promise, I'll sort this out. You're the most important thing in my life, Jensen, and I can't lose you over this. I need you," Jared could see Jensen’s resolve weakening and he jumped in for the kill, "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry for not realizing."
Jensen looked up at Jared for the first time, his eyes red from crying and spoke, "Realizing what?"
"How much you've been hurt by this….by all the letters, the phone calls, everything. I didn't know, baby, and I should have been there to protect you."
"Oh, Jared,-" he started.
"No, let me finish," Jared cut in, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I've been such a selfish asshole and I've let all of this get to me, to us, and for that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. And I promise I won't,-"
"Don't, Jared!" Jensen cut in, "Don't make a promise you know you can't keep. Don't say what you think I want to hear just to keep me from leaving."
"I'm not! I love you, goddamit, and I'm sorry. I would do anything to take it all back. Don't you believe me?"
Jared needed Jensen so badly to say ‘yes’.
"I don't know. I need time. I have to go."
"Where?" Jared asked, hopeful that Jensen would want to stay.
"Away from you. I love you but I can't do this anymore, I just can't. I just need some time to think and make up my mind."
"About?"
"Us."
Cautiously Jared ventured into deeper waters, "What about us?"
"If we honestly belong together."
"Don't say that."
"I need to say that, Jared. I need to say a lot of things, but now, now is not the time. I just need some time away, please...please give me that."
Jensen’s pleading had done something to Jared. It forced him consider an option Jared really didn't want to consider.
"Time? How much time?"
"I don't know."
"Where will you go?"
"Probably home."
"Can I come see you?"
"Not for a while, I need to be by myself till I can figure out where I want us to go from here. I need to figure a lot of things out and I can't make an objective decision if I have to see your face."
Jared sighed. That was it. He could tell by the look on Jensen’s face that he was serious and there was no talking him out of it. There was nothing left to do but to let him go.
"I can't change your mind, can I?" Jared asked.
Jensen’s shook his head and looked down, trying to avoid Jared’s eyes.
"This doesn't change how I feel about you. I want you to know that. I won't change my mind about how I feel about you. I promise you that, Jared, I just need to sort out a few things. Please try to understand."
Despite Jared’s best effort to try to understand as Jensen put it, he couldn't. But he wouldn't let Jensen know. If that was what Jensen needed, that was what Jared would give him. He owed Jensen that much.
"Fine, take your time, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."
"I didn't expect you to."
"Good."
Jensen picked up his suitcases and began walking past Jared, and even though Jared yearned to say something more, words simply evaded him. All he had left was his actions. And actions spoke louder than words, didn't they? Jared grabbed Jensen’s arm and spun him around and before he could protest, he pulled Jensen towards him in a passionate embrace.
"I love you so much, Jensen. Remember that always, no matter what you decide," Jared whispered, holding onto Jensen’s waist as if it were a lifeline.
Jensen didn't answer him but Jared could feel his reaction as his shoulders shook with each passing moment of silence.
Finally, Jared let him go and took a step back, putting some distance between them, just enough to allow Jensen to walk out the door.
"Jared, I..." Jensen started, but stopped as Jared held up his hand.
"Just go, Jensen. Please, just go before I change my mind."
Jensen seemed to understand, grabbed his suitcases, and walked out without a backward glance Jared’s way.
As he disappeared from sight, Jared slammed the door, trying his hardest to keep his composure, but he couldn't. For the first time in a long time, he found himself unable to be the tough guy in the relationship as tears began to make their way down his face. All Jared could think about was the fact that he had brought this all on himself.
Chapter 29
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 5,538
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 28:
It was as if Jensen’s worst nightmare was coming true. It seemed as if all that he had feared was coming to pass. It had been the third time that this had happened, and just like before, there was nothing that Jared could do to prevent or even stop it.
"Fuck. Fuck!" Jared's voice resounded in the small garage and created echoes that seemed to bounce off every surface.
"Calm down, baby, calm down," Jensen whispered, placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder, trying to keep things under control, but all that he seemed to achieve was the opposite effect.
"How the fuck do you expect me to calm down? This is the third time this shit has happened! You know how much fucking money it takes to fix this shit?!?" Jared screamed, shaking Jensen’s hand off his shoulder and striding away from Jensen.
All Jensen could do was stand off to the side, like a lump of coal, and remain quiet. He should have been used to things by now. Used to these bouts of anger Jared displayed every time his property was vandalized, used to the slurs and threatening phone calls that came day in and day out, used to the hundreds of hate mail Jared had received since his coming out announcement. Jensen should have been used to all of it by now, but he wasn't. He would never get used to any of it. And despite his promise to Jared, and to himself, Jensen wasn't so sure anymore if he was strong enough to stand up with Jared and take his share of the backlash.
He had expected a backlash, there's always a backlash, but this...this was a crucifixion. They were out to crucify and destroy Jared, his music, his self-esteem, his property, anything that made him Jared, and even though Jensen hated to admit it, it appeared as if they were succeeding. They had managed to destroy Jared’s drive to create music, his inspiration, his ever-loving spirit, and more importantly, they managed to drive a big, wide wedge between the two of them. They had inadvertently turned the love of Jensen’s life against him, and were slowly turning what they had into a crumbling pile of nothing, and no matter what Jensen did, what he tried to do, things just continued to spiral downward.
From a distance, Jensen could only stand aside helplessly and watch as Jared surveyed the damage to his vehicle. The front, side and back windows were all smashed into the vehicle leaving pieces of glass scattered all around.
The driver's side door was dented in and the passenger's side rear door was scraped so badly that the original coating of paint was visible. Inside, the radio was missing and the leather seating was ripped apart, leaving the stuffing visible for all to see.
Seeing all of that, Jensen thought that things couldn't get any worse until,
"Fuck!"
Jensen wouldn't be surprised if the entire neighborhood had heard Jared’s war cry. He literally ran over to where Jared stood, and his eyes grew wide as he found the source of Jared’s anguish. Etched onto the hood of his SUV were the words:
Watch your back, faggot!
Jensen was speechless as he read the words over and over again, and all he could think was that this had crossed the line. That had made everything else seem insignificant. Those hateful words had drawn a line in the sand and had gone too far by threatening harm to Jared.
"We should call the police, Jared. We need to call the police, right now," Jensen barely managed to get out. But it seemed as if his words fell on deaf ears.
"Fuck the police!" Jared cried.
"Jared..." Jensen started, and stopped as Jared looked at him, eyes glaring, reflecting pure anger, something that he hadn't known existed till that moment. That wasn't like Jared. That anger wasn't like Jared at all, that wasn't who he was.
"I am not calling the cops, Jensen, and that's that. I'm going to handle this by myself and I want you to stay out of it." It was more of an order than a request and it left Jensen feeling inferior and not important enough to be included in the decision-making process.
"What are you going to do, Jared?" Jensen asked, unsure as to whether or not he really wanted to know the answer.
Jared didn't look up at Jensen when he answered, but instead walked the short distance to his new Mercedes, opened the front door, kneeled down and reappeared carrying a handgun.
"I'm going to fuck up whoever did this to my car."
Jensen’s heart rate sped up and he watched Jared walk through the garage and into the house. He followed closely behind and watched as Jared walked into the bedroom and slammed the door shut in Jensen’s face. A feeling of dread washed over Jensen as he heard Jared’s elevated voice through the door recounting the sordid details to someone on the other end of the line. Jensen wanted so badly to just burst in there and hold Jared, comfort him and let him know that he wanted to help him, make all that he was feeling, all that he was going through seem like just a nightmare that he would soon wake up from. But he couldn't do that. How could he when Jared wouldn't even allow him to get close enough to put in his two cents worth? Jared was hurting, Jensen knew that, but he couldn't help him, no matter how hard he tried. Jared seemed determined to keep Jensen at arm's length and for that, it made the pain Jensen felt deep inside his chest, all the more painful. And he had to wonder if things between them would ever get back to the way they were.
_______________________________
"You want some dinner, baby?" Jensen asked, turning to look at Jared from his vantage point in the kitchen.
Jared didn't even turn to look Jensen’s way.
"Jared, are you hungry? I can make anything you want. There's some steak in the freezer, or we could order a pizza or some Chinese or...," Jensen let his words fade off into the distance as he realized that Jared wasn't paying him any attention, instead, choosing to focus all his concentration on the blank television screen. He had been like that for almost an hour and a half, and had refused to open up to Jensen about what was going on inside his head.
"Fine," Jensen started, willing himself to stay calm, "Stay in front of the television. I don't give a damn."
That didn't seem to make an impact and it made Jensen all the more uneasy.
"Pretend like I'm not even standing here talking to you."
Jared still didn't respond and it was as if something inside Jensen had snapped.
"Why the fuck don't you answer me? At least have the goddamn decency to acknowledge that I'm standing here!"
Even that failed to get Jared’s attention. Instead, Jared got up, grabbed his car keys off the kitchen counter , walked through the garage door and slammed it hard behind him. Jensen barely managed to keep it together long enough for Jared to screech out of the driveway and take off down the street before breaking down right there in the kitchen.
_______________________________
Jared could not get his thoughts straight. They were just a mass of jumbled ideas scattered in all corners of his brain and he had the fleeting urge to just take his gun, put it to his head and pull the trigger. Of course he didn't think that he was insane, stupid, or fucking drunk enough to even think about it too seriously, and put all thoughts of suicide to the back of his mind.
Things had gone from bad to worse in a matter of days after the announcement, and Jared found himself unprepared for the backlash. Of course, he had expected there to be some controversy but that...that was too fucking unbelievable. His life was all over the place: the media, including television, radio and print, began writing all sort of degrading articles about him, mostly false and misunderstood hearsay. But to his fans, the people who had once looked up to him, viewed him as a role model and had spent their hard-earned money on his albums, it was the gospel truth. He was everything from the scum on the street to a no-good asshole that was out to corrupt the youth of America. He had everyone from the ministers who had once praised his singing when he was younger, to the higher levels of management looking down on him as if he was a walking disease. And there was absolutely nothing he could do about it. Matt had warned him that this could happen, but Jared just had to have his own way and followed what was in his heart rather than what was in his head. And now he was paying for it.
Of course, through it all, there had been Jensen. He had been there with Jared, by Jared’s side as he had promised, and as promised, he tried to help Jared deal with all of that, but all he managed to do was bring out the worst in Jared. Not intentionally of course, but it happened. It was as if Jared’s mind was having a hard time separating Jensen from all he had to deal with. If it wasn't for Jensen, Jared would never have realized that he was gay. He would never have realized that he felt that way about him and Jared most definitely would never have realized that his life was much better with Jensen in it than out of it. But now, all of that had become a moot point as all Jared could think about was that his life, his career and everything that he stood for was turning to nothing right before his eyes. It was as if he had a continuous urge to hurt Jensen in any way that he could. It was as if Jared wanted Jensen to go through what he was going through and to feel the pain that Jared was feeling. It was as if he wanted to reach deep down into Jensen’s chest and pull out his heart. For no apparent reason, Jared wanted to push Jensen as far as he could just to see what it would take to make Jensen crack like an egg. And thinking about his earlier outburst, Jared knew that to some degree he was succeeding.
Jared should have felt some remorse, some inkling of disgust as to why he wanted to hurt the man who had stood by him and continued to stand by him. But surprisingly, he didn't and that was what let Jared know that he had been pushed to his limits. To want to hurt Jensen like that, and not even feel guilty, let Jared know that he had allowed things to get out of control.
_______________________________
At around two a.m. Jared made his way home, barely managing to keep from running his car off the side of the road or into the guardrail. He had spent the majority of the afternoon drinking hard liquor in some bar. After roughly several hours of trying to forget, Jared found himself unable to fend off sleep anymore, so he made his way home. Pulling into the garage, Jared saw that his SUV had been covered with a tarp, and that the surrounding area of glass had been cleaned up. Inside, the house was plunged into darkness except for a single light that illuminated the hallway from the living room into the bedroom. As Jared walked down the hallway and into his room, he was surprised to find that the bed was empty. The thought that he would be spending the night alone, after all the day's events made him more depressed than ever but Jared knew he deserved it. After all he had said and thought about Jensen, he fucking deserved to be alone tonight, and the next night and the night after that.
"Jared."
Jensen turned at the sound of his name and spotted Jensen standing in the doorway, hands folded across his chest. Jared couldn't see his face as it was partially covered by the moonlight shining through the window but he was able to make out an expression. It wasn't one that Jared was fond of seeing. Jensen’s usual smiling face was turned into a frown and his usual smooth forehead was filled with temporary wrinkles. His brows were furrowed and the light in his usually bright eyes was gone. For the first time in weeks, Jared felt a momentary twinge of guilt at the thought that he had done that to Jensen. Jared tried to disguise the fact that he was drunk but Jensen wasn't fooled and he let Jared know it.
"Drinking yourself into a coma isn't going to solve anything, Jared," he stated with conviction.
"I know."
"And behaving as if the whole world is against you won't either," he continued.
"I know."
"And treating me the way you have been for the past few weeks won't change things or make them return to the way they were. Blaming me for everything won't make things OK again."
"I know, dammit!" Jared finally shouted, unable to keep his cool. He was losing control of the situation and there was not a damn thing he could do about it.
"Then if you know all of that, why are you acting like...like this...like I'm not here.... like I don't fucking exist for you?" Jensen’s voice was low but that did little to conceal the anger that came through in his tone.
Jared found himself unable to provide an answer to his question.
"I don't know, OK, so just get off my fucking back about it, ‘cause I just don't fucking know."
The truth of the matter was that he did know. It was crystal clear to Jared why he was acting like that but there was no way in Hell he could relay that information to Jensen. He would have been crushed.
There was simply no good way to tell Jensen that Jared blamed him for everything that had gone wrong in his life. It wasn't anything specific that he said or did, but rather his very presence. It came down to the fact that if it weren't for him, Jared’s life would have been empty but still unscathed. He would have still been the Jared that everyone looked up to, the Jared that the fans called for at every show, the Jared that didn't fuck around with men, and most importantly, the Jared that didn't allow himself to fall in love with another man. That's right, if it wasn't for Jensen, Jared would never have fallen in love, and for that, Jared not only hated himself, he hated Jensen.
Jensen’s voice broke Jared’s train of thought.
"You don’t know. You never know!! I don't know why I even bother putting up with this, Jared. I just don't know why because the headaches seem to outweigh any rewards that I could possibly get from this," Jensen paused momentarily, and took a deep breath before he continued, "And another thing, it's not only you that has to deal with this shit when it happens, OK? My stuff has been vandalized, too, and my personal life has been plastered all over the tabloids as well; so for once, I wish you would just stop being so fucking selfish, and consider someone else's feelings other than your own," And in a softer, milder tone he added, "it's not only you who has been hurt by this, Jared. I'm in it with you as well, so stop making me the enemy when I'm not."
"God!! Why the fuck is this happening?"Jared called out to no one in particular as he sunk down onto the bed, his head in his hands.
Moments later he felt a pair of hands on his shoulders, gently kneading his flesh, and Jensen's soothing words filling Jared’s head, "I love you so much, Jared. Don't push me away. Not when we've come so close to this. I know it's hard right now but it'll pass and someday...someday we'll look back on this and laugh about it, I promise you that. But right now...you've got to roll with the punches."
A sardonic laugh escaped Jared’s throat and he shook Jensen’s hands off his shoulders.
"Yeah, right! We'll laugh about it? Please, Jensen. Wake up and smell the fucking coffee. This is my goddamn life we're talking about! But you know what? I wouldn't expect you to understand….."
Jensen stopped Jared in mid-sentence and came to stand before Jared,
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He questioned.
"Figure it out. You live your whole life in a fucking vacuum, and are so goddamn naïve about what's going on around you, and that annoys the hell out of me," And that was all it took to get Jared to let it all out, "And you think that you're going through what I go through? That what you deal with can even be compared to the shit I've had heaped on me in the last few weeks...you actually think that there is a comparison, Jensen?"
At that moment it didn't matter to Jared that Jensen was standing in front of him, virtually in tears, trying fruitlessly to keep his composure as he responded to Jared’s harsh words.
"I never imagined in a hundred years that you'd turn into such an asshole, Jared.... After everything we've been through and all that we've sacrificed to make this work...how could you..." Jensen’s words folded, and were promptly replaced by a mass of sobs that seemed to rack his entire body.
The momentary urge to reach out and hold him gripped Jared’s insides, but he didn't, he couldn't. Instead, he blocked Jensen’s image out of his head, and made his way out of the bedroom, only stopping momentarily at the door to grab his keys off the dresser, not even taking the time to look back at the mess he had created.
_______________________________
"How are you holding up, man?" The man in front of Jared was his last hope, his last stop before he would completely lose his mind. If Matt wasn't there, Jared knew he would have fucked with somebody already.
"How the fuck do you think I'm doing, man? I got press on my ass 24/7, the goddamn tabloids printing shit about me left and right, and let's not forget those jerks upstairs that are trying to push me out. That answer your question?"
Matt didn't even flinch, instead choosing to open his desk drawer and pull out a bag filled with weed.
"Here," he said, throwing the bag Jared’s way, "Take a hit and see if this helps."
Jared opened the bag and removed a blunt from it. He hadn't done that in a long time and as he lit the joint and inhaled, memories of days long gone by filled his head.
"Feel better?" He asked, looking across the desk at Jared, his face still neutral.
"A little," Jared admitted, closing his eyes, trying for the moment to forget his problems.
"Good. I know this has been hard on you, Jared, it has to have been hard on you and Jensen..."
"This isn’t about him!" Jared said abruptly, in a harsh tone of voice that even surprised him. But as before Matt didn't flinch,
"It involves both of you, whether you want to admit to it or not."
Jared didn't know if Matt expected a response or not, but he didn't provide one. He couldn’t even if he wanted to, not with the effect of the weed taking place.
"We made that decision to involve him in this,-"
Jared stopped him before he could continue, "No. No! You made that decision to involve him. I was all against getting him involved in this mess but you...you insisted...so don't be trying to lay this on me. You brought him into this mess so you got to deal with his ass now. I shouldn't have to put up with it. I got enough shit of my own to deal with without having to think about what 'poor little Jensen' is going through. Fuck what Jensen's going through! This shit...this shit...fuck..."
It was as if Jared had run out of thoughts, that, or the weed had completely fucked up his processing skills. Either way Jared seemed unable to finish his thoughts coherently so he just stayed quiet.
"The only reason why I'm sitting here," Matt said, "and not on your ass, is because I have no fucking idea what you're going through right now. All I know is that you've been through Hell and back, and you're being treated unfairly by a lot of folks. But despite all that, I'm not going to sit here and allow you to turn this into some fucking pity party because it isn’t. You are not the only one being affected by this, Jared. You need to stop pretending like you're the sole victim of this because you're not. This is hurting a lot of people. Not to the same degree as you, but they are being hurt."
“Oh yeah? Like who? Give me the name of one person who can even come close to feeling what I've been feeling. Give me one name, man, just one."
Matt didn't hesitate to say it, "Jensen."
"Oh, man, don't start with that again. I told you he has nothing to do with this."
"He has everything to do with this. Have you seen the mail room lately? Jensen receives as much 'fan mail' as you do. Do you want to know what some of them say? Here, I'll read you a few," Matt reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a stack, opening one.
"This one is from a 'friendly' fifteen-year-old kid in New York, '...I wish your ass would set foot down in NYC and try to turn one of us gay. We'd strap you to a tree and make a real man out of you. I hear you live in Nashville, we should come pay you a visit one of these nights and see how you like being fucked by a bunch of niggers.' You want me to continue, Jared? Because it goes on and on about the creative ways in which they could mess Jensen up for what he supposedly did to you. Here's another one from a guy right in your own backyard, '...I think they should lynch your narrow ass for doing what you did with Jared. I don't think Jared's quote, coming out, end quote, was anything more than a fabrication to get your ass some attention especially since he fired you a while back. A bit of advice, keep your deviation to yourself.' And that's one of the more pleasant ones. Shall I go on? Because there are many, many, more of the same shit in here that will make you fucking cringe."
Despite his condition, Jared found himself unable to keep from reading a few of the unopened letters addressed to Jensen.
"Do you still think it's all about you, Jared? Cause it isn’t. It's not all about you; it was never all about you. Do you know how many people have lost their jobs over this? How many people have secretly applauded you for your honesty and have gotten kicked to the curb because of it? Do you have any fucking idea how much fucking heat I've taken because I okayed this shit, because I came out in support of you? Do you know how it fucking looks to see your ass being so ungrateful, after what all these people have done for you, least of all, Jensen?"
Jared was left speechless at Matt’s sudden declaration, and despite his efforts to dismiss it he just couldn't. Not after reading the letters and hearing a dose of the truth from Matt.
"I'm not here to be your father nor am I speaking as your manager. I'm here on your behalf as a friend. Trust me, Jared. This is just a bump in the road that will eventually pass and when it does, you don't want to be left friendless because you got stupid and selfish. You have a lot of support behind you, and you need to recognize and cherish that. You need to especially recognize and cherish what you have at home, ‘cause that boy has put up with a lot, if not more shit than you realize," Matt paused, maybe in the hope that Jared would agree, but when he remained quiet, he continued, "He cares what happens to you, Jared, more than you deserve at the moment."
Hearing Matt put it like that, so straightforward with no sugar coating made the smoke in Jared’s head clear and his thoughts scramble together again to form one coherent idea.
"I don't deserve him, do I?" It came out more as a declaration of truth rather than a question.
"The fuck you don't. In fact, if Jensen asked me today what he should do, I would tell him to drop you, but this isn't my decision to make, it never was, and it never will be. All I know is that you do not deserve that kid, Jared, not with your attitude. The way you've been treating him these past few weeks has disgusted me, and even though I hate to say it, I will; you're a selfish son of a bitch that needs a fucking reality check."
Jared just had that reality check. Matt's words, coupled with his newfound case of common sense left him with a heavy feeling of regret.
"What have I done?" Jared asked himself, his head finding his hands.
"You've fucked up, but so do we all. You think you're ready to stand up to the plate and act like a man?" Matt questioned, his eyes boring into Jared.
"Yes," Jared whispered, feeling slightly embarrassed at being called on his behavior.
"Good! Now get the fuck out of my office and go do what you have to do."
As Jared made a move to walk out the door, Matt stopped him with four simple words, "I'm here for you."
Jared didn't respond but he was sure Matt could tell by the look on his face that he was grateful.
_______________________________
Jared was not all that surprised to walk in and find that Jensen’s suitcases were packed and waiting to be moved out, but he was surprised to find that Jensen actually thought enough of him after everything that Jared had put him through to wait around and let Jared know in person what he was doing.
"You're leaving?" Jared asked, even though it was clear that he knew the answer to the question.
"Yeah," Jensen responded; his voice low and hushed as if he were afraid to speak any louder.
"Jensen, I...I don't want you to go, please...just stay," Jared begged.
"No, I won't, Jared. I've had enough. I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with this. And besides, you've made it clear that this isn't about me. And you're right, it's not about me, it's about you and it's obvious I can't give you what you need right now, maybe I never could. And I know that you blame me for all of this - how can I compete with that? I can't, and I shouldn't have to. So I'm just going to leave you alone. Since I'm the problem, I'll remove myself from the situation."
Jensen made a move to pass Jared but Jared held onto his hand.
"Let me go, Jared, I'm tired, too tired to do this with you anymore. You were right...OK...this...all of this is my fault...all my fault." And with that Jensen broke down right beside Jared.
"No, it's not, baby, and I should have never made you feel like I did. This is not your fault; it's not anyone's fault but my own. I allowed them to fuck with my head, and I only got myself to blame. I don't want you to go, Jensen, I need you!"
"I can't, Jared...I can't...I...I can't do this...anymore. I love you but I can't deal with this. I can't deal with you blaming me for everything...I can't do it..."
"And you shouldn't have to deal with it, baby. I promise, I'll sort this out. You're the most important thing in my life, Jensen, and I can't lose you over this. I need you," Jared could see Jensen’s resolve weakening and he jumped in for the kill, "I'm so sorry, so, so, sorry for not realizing."
Jensen looked up at Jared for the first time, his eyes red from crying and spoke, "Realizing what?"
"How much you've been hurt by this….by all the letters, the phone calls, everything. I didn't know, baby, and I should have been there to protect you."
"Oh, Jared,-" he started.
"No, let me finish," Jared cut in, taking a deep breath before continuing, "I've been such a selfish asshole and I've let all of this get to me, to us, and for that I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. And I promise I won't,-"
"Don't, Jared!" Jensen cut in, "Don't make a promise you know you can't keep. Don't say what you think I want to hear just to keep me from leaving."
"I'm not! I love you, goddamit, and I'm sorry. I would do anything to take it all back. Don't you believe me?"
Jared needed Jensen so badly to say ‘yes’.
"I don't know. I need time. I have to go."
"Where?" Jared asked, hopeful that Jensen would want to stay.
"Away from you. I love you but I can't do this anymore, I just can't. I just need some time to think and make up my mind."
"About?"
"Us."
Cautiously Jared ventured into deeper waters, "What about us?"
"If we honestly belong together."
"Don't say that."
"I need to say that, Jared. I need to say a lot of things, but now, now is not the time. I just need some time away, please...please give me that."
Jensen’s pleading had done something to Jared. It forced him consider an option Jared really didn't want to consider.
"Time? How much time?"
"I don't know."
"Where will you go?"
"Probably home."
"Can I come see you?"
"Not for a while, I need to be by myself till I can figure out where I want us to go from here. I need to figure a lot of things out and I can't make an objective decision if I have to see your face."
Jared sighed. That was it. He could tell by the look on Jensen’s face that he was serious and there was no talking him out of it. There was nothing left to do but to let him go.
"I can't change your mind, can I?" Jared asked.
Jensen’s shook his head and looked down, trying to avoid Jared’s eyes.
"This doesn't change how I feel about you. I want you to know that. I won't change my mind about how I feel about you. I promise you that, Jared, I just need to sort out a few things. Please try to understand."
Despite Jared’s best effort to try to understand as Jensen put it, he couldn't. But he wouldn't let Jensen know. If that was what Jensen needed, that was what Jared would give him. He owed Jensen that much.
"Fine, take your time, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."
"I didn't expect you to."
"Good."
Jensen picked up his suitcases and began walking past Jared, and even though Jared yearned to say something more, words simply evaded him. All he had left was his actions. And actions spoke louder than words, didn't they? Jared grabbed Jensen’s arm and spun him around and before he could protest, he pulled Jensen towards him in a passionate embrace.
"I love you so much, Jensen. Remember that always, no matter what you decide," Jared whispered, holding onto Jensen’s waist as if it were a lifeline.
Jensen didn't answer him but Jared could feel his reaction as his shoulders shook with each passing moment of silence.
Finally, Jared let him go and took a step back, putting some distance between them, just enough to allow Jensen to walk out the door.
"Jared, I..." Jensen started, but stopped as Jared held up his hand.
"Just go, Jensen. Please, just go before I change my mind."
Jensen seemed to understand, grabbed his suitcases, and walked out without a backward glance Jared’s way.
As he disappeared from sight, Jared slammed the door, trying his hardest to keep his composure, but he couldn't. For the first time in a long time, he found himself unable to be the tough guy in the relationship as tears began to make their way down his face. All Jared could think about was the fact that he had brought this all on himself.
Chapter 29
