Leap of Faith - Chapter 30
Mar. 17th, 2010 12:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Leap of Faith
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 6,953
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.
Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 30:
Jensen sat on the edge of the examining table staring at a single spot on the wall, purposely willing his mind into madness. It had been less than three hours since his fainting spell and he hadn't allowed his mind to grasp the concept that things had changed. The images of the scene: the police, the crowd, the ambulances and the body bag were still fresh in his mind but Jensen had hidden them so far back that he was beginning to think that maybe it was all a sick dream that he would one day wake up from. Of course, he knew deep, deep down that it was no dream but if his mind couldn't grasp it, he wouldn't have to deal with it, deal with the situation, deal with the fact that the man that he loved above everyone and everything else was gone and would not be coming back. Jensen knew that eventually reality would have to rear its ugly head and bite him in the ass, but right here, right now, reality was just a figment of Jensen’s imagination.
"Mr.Ackles, I've checked your injuries and everything appears kosher. You've got a nasty bruise on your left cheek and of course the stitches but other than that, you're fine," The doctor's voice broke Jensen out of his thoughts and he forced himself to look at the doctor.
"Thanks," Jensen muttered, lowering his eyes. He couldn't have cared less if the doctor told him he had broken a bone or needed an amputation. It just didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.
"Well, if there are no questions…"the doctor waited a few seconds for a response that didn't come then continued, "you may go. See the nurse on your way out and if you feel any discomfort, take an Advil or two, it helps, trust me," He offered a small smile that reeked of sympathy and Jensen found himself wanting to respond but finding that he was unable to. The words refused to formulate in his mind and when he finally opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. The doctor looked down at his chart and then back at Jensen.
"Mr. Ackles, I'm sorry about what happened to your friend."
Those words shook Jensen out of his stupor for a moment.
"What?" Jensen asked, anger somehow finding its way into his voice.
"You are Jared Padalecki’s lover, aren't you? I recognize your face from the papers," His words set something off inside of Jensen and for absolutely no reason whatsoever he started to curse the doctor.
"And what the fuck is it to you? You've got a smart-assed comment to make, too? You people are just all the same! Why can't you just leave us alone?"
Jensen’s last statement was said in a whisper and before he could stop himself, he started to cry. The knot in his throat had become too big to bear and Jensen found he was unable to stop the flow of tears once they had started. He knew he must have looked like a big baby, sitting on the examining table bawling his eyes out but he didn't care.
He heard the doctor clear his throat and then begin to speak, "Mr. Ackles.... Jensen, I'm sorry about your loss," He paused for a moment and seemed hesitant to continue but he did, "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. I lost my wife to leukemia two years ago and even though I live through the pain every day, I try not to let it get to me. It may not seem like it now but...it will get better...eventually."
Those words somehow soothed Jensen and he felt the sudden need to talk, to purge his soul, "Does it? It hasn't.... been...a day yet and I feel like...like I want to...I just...I wish it were me. It should be me. Everything is my fault...it really is...I changed him...he came out for me...because ...of....me...someone.... kill...." the word refused to come out and once again Jensen found the tears begin to flow. Jensen’s left hand cupped his eyes and he turned his head away from the man in front of him. He didn't want the doctor to see what an asshole he was, what an asshole he had been. He didn't want the doctor to see what a murderer he was. Jensen killed Jared with his every action and there was no doubt in his mind that if he had not let on to Jared how he truly felt, and if he had not pushed the issue of ‘them’, then maybe Jared would have been still alive. They would have been just friends but Jared would have been alive to be his friend. But, no, he had to get greedy. He had to want more than Jared was willing to give. Jensen knew he would never get over, or forget that. And right at that moment, all Jensen wanted to do was to take Jared’s place. He wanted to die and if he couldn't bring Jared back, he wanted to be dead alongside him.
Jensen looked up at the doctor and noticed that he was looking at him strangely. For a moment, Jensen actually thought that the doctor could read his mind; that maybe he knew Jensen’s thoughts but when he broke contact by looking at his chart, Jensen dispelled such thoughts from his mind. He couldn't possibly know. Could he?
"Well, Jensen, there isn't much I can do for you except offer my ear. Here is my card. Also, I'm going to give you a list of phone numbers. They're for support groups, grief-counseling groups. It'll help, believe me," The doctor stated, handing Jensen a card and a sheet of paper with a list of numbers on it.
"I won't be needing it," Jensen began to tell him, "I'm OK. I don't need some shrink to tell me that. And besides, I really don't have the time."
He looked at Jensen sympathetically and shook his head, "Well, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to, but I'm still extending my services to you free of charge. If you ever need to talk,-"
"I won't," Jensen declared, handing the card back to him but he just pushed Jensen’s hands back towards his chest and said, "Well, just in case you do. Keep it close at hand."
Jensen looked down at the card, and along with the folded paper, he put it into his shirt pocket.
"Thanks," Jensen replied, not looking at him. He hopped off the table and began walking towards the door.
"Jensen..."
Jensen stopped in his tracks, his feet feeling wobbly beneath him, and for a moment he thought he might faint, but instead he was able to turn around.
"Take care of yourself, please, and if you need someone to talk to, please use my number," The doctor offered a smile Jensen’s way, one that Jensen found homely and gracious and once again, he felt the urge to let it all go, the pain, the frustration, the unease, but he knew that if he did that, he would be acknowledging the inevitable and then he would have to deal with it.
"I will and thanks.... I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me but...I...I...I can't, not right now."
"I understand."
No words were exchanged after that but Jensen somehow felt that connection between them. He had gone through loss and so had Jensen; that meant that they had shared a common bond and he patted the pocket that held the card. Jensen knew he wasn't ready yet to deal with the situation but maybe later down the line he would need someone to talk to. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to keep his number, just in case.
_______________________________
The sounds around him seemed amplified tenfold, and it was as if he wasn't even here anymore. His body felt weird and he felt every little thing that they were trying to do to him, and all of that scared the shit out of Jared. He remembered what had happened scene for scene, and he remembered what he had felt: The bullets entering his back, one by one; the pain surging through each muscle, one by one. But none of that compared to the emotional pain that Jared felt knowing that he would never get a chance to tell the man that he loved how much he meant to him, nor would he have the opportunity to make all that he had put Jensen through right again. That realization was what hurt Jared the most, but he also believed, deep down, that it was what was keeping him alive at the moment. Maybe Jared was still clinging on to the realization that if he made it through, he would have someone there who would love him through thick and thin. Someone who would stand by him no matter what, and most importantly, someone who would take him as he was, not Jared Padalecki, the superstar, but rather Jared Padalecki, the man. Knowing that he had Jensen to go home to if he just held on a little longer left Jared fighting everything those voices around him were saying.
"God, we're going to lose him! His blood pressure is dropping fast!"
"Well, stabilize it, damn it! I will not lose this man!"
"We're doing the best we can, doc, but this doesn't look too good. EMT said three bullets to the chest and three in the limbs."
"We've had worse."
"Well ,we can't open him up if we don't stabilize his blood pressure."
"Listen to me and listen to me good. We won’t lose this patient! Do you know who this is?"
"They said some famous singer."
"Some famous singer! Some famous singer! This is not just some famous singer, this is Jared Padalecki and if we lose him tonight, my daughter will never forgive me."
Well, at least the doc's on my side.
Jared knew that if he made it through, he would have to be sure to give the doctor tickets for his daughter. But for the moment he had to base all his concentration on not slipping into the black unknown because he knew if he did, that would have been the end for him and he refused to go out like that.
But as the words they spoke became heavier and heavier to his ears, Jared knew that it was out of his control. The fight was now up to the Man upstairs and if He had decided that it was time for him to come on home, he would have no choice but to go. But he would miss it for sure: The music, the fans and most importantly, the one constant in his life, Jensen. If he died, at least he could say that he had found someone to love and someone to love him back. Jared said one final prayer in his head, just asking for one more chance, but if he couldn't get it, all he wanted was for Jensen to find the happiness that he truly deserved. That he would get over him and move on with someone that would give him the world and not cause him any pain, as he had done. If Jared could be granted that last wish, then he could die a contented man. He felt his head get heavy and his mind become cloudy, just as it had when Patrick had shot him and thinking that it was the end, Jared recalled Jensen's face in his mind just long enough to say thank you, and then, everything went black... again.
_______________________________
As Chris stood by the kitchen sink looking out into the living room, he thought about his life. It had been almost two months since he and Misha had reconnected and Chris had to admit that it had been a pretty good two months. At first, he had thought he had made a big mistake by allowing Misha to catch and reel him in with the bait he called Love, but little by little, Misha had managed to wear down Chris’s resolve. Finally it seemed that Chris had turned into one of those saps that he resented. It took a while for him to get used to his change in lifestyle, after all he hadn't exactly been a one-man kind of guy, but Misha could be persuasive. His lips on Chris’s could make him do things that he didn't believe were possible. Then when Misha wanted to turn things up a notch, those lips would make a trip down south and have Chris singing a brand new tune. But they did have a relationship outside of sex and Chris was amazed at how well he had been handling it. Whereas before he wouldn't have gone out in public holding a guy's hand, Chris was finally more than accepting of the fact that a public display of affection was part of a relationship and that it was a sign of commitment, and of course, that thrilled Misha no end. In the beginning, he had trod lightly around Chris, maybe afraid that Chris would change his mind, but after two months of nothing but consistent affection, he gave in. Of course that didn't mean that they were without their share of problems. The fact that Chris lived in LA and Misha in Nashville made for some long-distance tension. Many times, the situation had come to a head and turned into an all-out shouting match and with neither of them willing to give in, it got old after a while. Chris had been thinking recently that maybe he had a solution to all of that but he wasn't sure how Misha would react to it, and just on cue, the phone rang.
"Hello," Chris answered, somehow knowing that it was Misha.
"Hey, baby, how are you?" Misha responded sweetly, and Chris realized that he would have a hard time waiting another week for him to get there.
"Good. How are things with you?"
"Could be better. I had two surgeries this morning, back to back and unfortunately, one of them didn't make it," Misha paused, sighing before he continued, "father of three kids," His voice sounded heavy and Chris knew Misha was getting into that depression mode again.
"You did your best, Misha, you can't save them all. You know that."
"Yeah, I know, I just feel like...I feel like there is more I could have done, you know. Anyway, I'm on call in five minutes so I have to make his quick. I have some bad news about this weekend."
Chris took a deep breath and waited for Misha to drop the bombshell on him. After all, it wouldn't have been the first time.
"I have to cancel. I have a conference to go to in New York. It's really important, Chris, and I was lucky to be able to get a seat to go. They only ever take five doctors from this area."
Chris could imagine Misha pursing his lips, waiting for his response.
"Well, I suppose you got to do what you got to do, Misha."
There was a moment of silence after that until, "You're upset with me," Misha stated.
"No, I'm not. I just think that... I just wish you wouldn't make arrangements to come see me on the weekends when you know your weekends aren't free," Chris had tried his best to hold his brewing anger in, but it seemed to have spilled over into his words.
"I didn't plan this on purpose, Chris. It just happened. This opportunity fell right into my lap and I just couldn't pass it up."
"But you could pass me up, right?" Chris knew he was being unfair, but the fact that he had been going without for almost two weeks now seemed to have clouded his judgment.
"I can't believe you sometimes, Chris. After everything I do for you, how could you even say that? Who comes up there to see you almost every weekend, huh? Who does that? Me, that's who! I take time off from work, reroute patients and basically put my life on hold so that I can come see you, and never once have you offered to come down here. Why is that, Chris?"
Misha’s tone had darkened and Chris could predict an argument coming. Of course, they were just disagreeing at the moment but it was about to get a whole lot worse.
"You're the one who wanted the commitment, Misha, so don't come crying to me because you have to make the sacrifices," Chris hadn't meant to say it as he did, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, people say and do things that they know aren't right.
"Fuck you, Chris. Fuck You! If you don't want to be in this relationship, then leave. If you're doing me such a big favor by being involved in this relationship, then just fucking leave! I don't need you, Chris. I don't need you, and I don't need this stress, especially when my so-called sacrifices are being treated so ungratefully," Misha sounded very tough at the moment but if Chris knew him as well as he did, he knew that Misha was trying his hardest not to seem soft in front of him.
"Listen, I'm sorry, OK? I don't want to fight with you, Misha but you have to understand what I'm going through from my point of view. This is the first real relationship that I've been in and it's a big fucking step from what I'm used to. This whole fidelity and monogamy thing is hard enough without adding to the mix the fact that we don't even see each other on a regular basis," Chris didn't know he had it in him to be diplomatic, but it seemed to him that his newfound sense of diplomacy had managed to diffuse an already heated situation when Misha asked him a question rather than shouting it.
"Why does this have to be so hard, Chris? I mean, before, things weren't all that great, but at least we could have had a conversation without it turning into some shouting match. But now, it seems that all we do is argue and bicker like children. I love you so much, Chris, and I'm afraid if we keep this up, that I'll... that I'll lose you," Misha’s voice sounded somber and Chris could imagine his face frowning.
Chris thought about the next turn of his words before he said them, "It'll get better, Misha. It's just because we're new to this and we've been away from each other for weeks now. Things will get better when we see each other again," And recalling Misha’s reason for calling him, Chris continued with, "It may not be this weekend but it'll be soon, I promise."
Chris didn't feel as confident as he sounded but Misha didn't need to know that. Chris heard a pager go off in the background and knew that their short conversation was about to come to an end.
"Well, that's me. I'm sorry Chris, for canceling. If you want...I can cancel the conference and come to see you."
Chris wondered if Misha was serious and just by the simple fact that he was patiently waiting for Chris’s response confirmed to him that he was. And not for the first time, Chris realized that Misha did love him. Despite all that he put Misha through, and all the stresses that he heaped upon Misha’s life, he truly, madly, deeply did love him and finally realizing that, made Chris both happy and sad. Happy in the fact that he didn't feel so bad if he was starting to have those feelings for Misha when he realized that they would be returned tenfold, but he was sad in terms that he wasn't too sure that he could love Misha the way he wanted to, or deserved to be loved. Somewhere along the way, Chris had stopped being his selfish old self and had decided to give Misha a half-way decent chance of getting under his skin and into his heart. Misha had tried his darnedest and had finally succeeded but Chris hadn't had the courage to let him know just how deep his feelings ran for Misha. A part of Chris still feared that giving up himself to Misha would mean giving up the core of who he was and what he had been for the majority of his life, a self-indulgent playboy who never intended to be bedded down with one guy. But things had changed drastically, and Misha was the cause of it all.
"I believe you, Chris. I know this is hard on you and I know that you've rearranged your whole lifestyle for us and I just want you to know that no matter what, I love and appreciate you for it."
Misha’s words touched Chris to the core and he had to stop himself from feeling moved by his words.
"Well, I better let you go back to work. Maybe I'll call you later for a little bump and grind," Chris hoped that would be enough to turn the conversation around, for all of that serious talk and expressions of love was getting to him.
He could practically hear Misha smiling through the phone, "Bump and grind, huh, I bet you'd like that. How long has it been?"
"The last time you were up here, too damn long. I miss that ass of yours."
"And you haven't been messing with anyone else?" Misha ventured, his tone taking a one-eighty degree turn. He was still suspicious of what Chris did while he was away and he had every right to be. Chris wasn't exactly a perfect model when it came to fidelity and it was becoming harder and harder to turn away all those men that wanted to mess with him.
"You know I haven't. If I feel the need to fuck another guy, Misha, you'll be the first to know," Chris waited for a response from Misha and when none came, he continued with, "I meant what I said about being faithful, Misha. Remember that."
Misha sheepishly apologized for bringing it up, and before Chris could intervene with a 'don't worry about it', he had said "I love you" and hung up. Chris replaced the receiver in its cradle and walked into the living room. Sitting on the sofa, he turned on the television and was just in time to catch the last five minutes of the evening news.
"Well, as reported earlier by our affiliate in Nashville, famed R and B superstar Jared Padalecki was shot inside his garage at around three-thirty this afternoon. Sources close to the investigation report that Mr. Padalecki sustained serious gunshot wounds to the chest, arms and legs and remains in critical condition at Nashville Medical Centre. Again, famed R and B superstar Jared has been shot and critically injured in an alleged murder attempt by someone in his camp. We will bring you more details as they become available to us. Lisa, back you. Thanks, Shannon and in other news..."
Chris leaned back against the couch, his mouth agape and tried to get his thoughts together. Could that be true? The media had been wrong about that sort of thing before and had caused mass hysteria with their false reports but for some reason, that didn't seem to be the case. They even gave the type of injury that he had sustained and the hospital in which he was being treated. Chris picked up the phone and began punching in Jensen's cell phone number. If there was any truth to it, Jensen would know. After the fourth ring, Chris was about to hang up when he heard Jensen’s voice on the other end of the line.
"Hello," Jensen sounded hoarse, as if he had been crying.
"Jen, it's Chris. I just heard on the news about Jared. I'm so sorry."
"Me too. I was supposed to be meeting him to, to work things out but then...then this happened," Chris could hear that Jensen was desperately trying to hold it together and that made his heart clench in his chest. His friend was hurting and there seemed to nothing that Chris could do to ease his pain.
"What happened?" Chris asked, wanting to hear things from Jensen’s perspective.
"I don't know. They just said someone, a fan maybe, shot him a number of times," Jensen’s voice broke and he started to cry quietly, "They killed him just because he was with me. They killed him because of me, Chris. If it wasn't for me, if I didn't push this lifestyle on him, maybe, maybe he would still be alive," Jensen’s emotions had collapsed and he started to openly cry.
It took Chris a while to focus in on what Jensen had said and when Chris realized the consequences of it, he spoke up.
"He's not dead, Jensen! He's in critical condition but he's still alive."
"What?" Jensen asked, his voice uncertain.
"On the news, they said he's in critical condition at Nashville Medical Centre."
"No, they're wrong. He's dead, he died. I saw his body. I... he's dead, he's dead," From that point on, Jensen totally disintegrated into a mass of sobs. Chris wanted so bad to be able to reach through the phone and hold him at that moment, to be the friend he had failed to be so many times before.
"It's OK, Jenny, it's OK, baby. It's OK... It'll be OK, just calm down. Take a deep breath and calm down," Jensen seemed to be following Chris’s instructions for he began to breathe normally again and his sobs became less violent.
"You OK now, Jenny?" Chris asked, hoping to get Jensen to tell him something that would confirm to him that he was truly OK.
"Yeah," he answered weakly.
"I can be there in a few hours if you need me..."
Jensen cut him off stating that he was going to be fine. Chris was at a loss for words as to what to say now but the decision was quickly made for him.
"He's really alive, he's OK? Are you sure, Chris?"
"Yes, it was on the news. They said he was in critical condition but that he was still alive. He's still alive, Jensen," Chris’s words seemed to bring about a sigh of relief from Jensen and the repeated mantra of 'thank you'.
"You'll be ok, Jensen, you'll be ok," Chris stated to which he replied,
"Thanks Chris...I...I have to go but I'll call you later. And Chris...I love you. Thanks...for everything," Chris could hear the emotion in Jensen’s voice and could tell that he was on the verge of tears again, so he quickly gave him an out by telling him to go see Jared. Jensen was more than happy to oblige Chris and hung up. After that, Chris spent a few minutes just sitting and digesting everything that had just happened. Someone upstairs was obviously messing with Jared as that was the second time that misfortune had struck him. The first time he had up and disappeared leaving everyone believing that he had been killed in a plane crash and then this incident.
Poor Jensen!
Jensen had been through so much with the relationship, but like a faithful puppy, he just kept going back for more. It was the first time that Chris finally realized that Jensen really did love Jared with all his heart. To stand by a man who was a public identity one second and the next, a volatile man who was liable to snap at any minute, that sure was love. But through all of that, Jensen had been there, and it made Chris wonder if Misha would be that strong in his resolve to be with him. Of course, they had not had anything happen in their relationship that could come close to what Jared and Jensen had gone through. But they had had their share of bad times, and through it all, Misha had stood by him, determined to keep them together and even though in the beginning Chris had not appreciated it, he finally did. Chris picked up the phone again and punched in the familiar number.
Misha's answering machine greeted him and Chris decided to leave him a message,
"Hey, Misha. I um...I was thinking that you're right. I have been a little selfish lately and I want to make it up to you. I'm thinking that I can be there by nine tomorrow and that way we can at least have Thursday and Friday nights together before your conference on Saturday. You've been right in saying that I've been avoiding coming down there but it is only to keep myself out of trouble. It's been hard for me not being able to have sex whenever I want and not being able to see you whenever I want. But I want to give this...give us, an honest shot. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm serious about this and about you and...I think, no, I know that...I love you. Anyway, I got to go but I'll see you tomorrow, bye."
With that, Chris hung up. He couldn't believe that he had actually said it. Never in his wildest dreams would Chris have thought that those words were capable of coming out of his mouth, but they had, and to top it all off, he didn't feel the tinge of regret that he thought he would if and when the time had come for him to say that to another person. It left Chris smiling inside, knowing that maybe for once in his life, he was man enough to trust someone else.
_______________________________
Jensen stood inside the lobby of the Nashville Medical Centre amidst hordes of reporters and bystanders alike, unable to get past the barricade that was set up by the hospital staff and Security personnel. He wanted to make a mad dash towards them but knew that that would only get him so far and he would likely be put in a jail cell. But he would not give up, not when the man that he loved was in there, all alone, trying to fight for his life. He decided to make another attempt up at the nurse's station, to see if someone, anyone,could get him in, if only for a second.
"Excuse me?" Jensen asked, trying his best not to look annoyed at the nurse behind the counter who even refused to acknowledge his presence.
"What can I do for you?" She replied, not even having the decency to look at Jensen.
"I want to see Jared Padalecki."
She finally looked up at Jensen's words but the expression on her face was a far cry from sympathetic.
"You and half the free world, sweetheart. Mr. Padalecki is off -limits so why don't you go join your other reporter buddies and leave me in peace," With that, she turned her chair around and began reading a magazine that was lying by her desk. On impulse, Jensen reached over and snatched it out of her hand.
"Hey!" She called, "Give that back and get the hell away from my station before I call Security."
Jensen was not about to let her get the upper hand, though. He threw the magazine over her head and when she bent to pick it up, Jensen ran past her station and through the door that stated "Restricted Personnel Only". Jensen could hear her scream something to someone in the background but he didn't care. He had to find Jared. He ran down the long, white corridor trying every door that looked promising until he came to two double doors marked "Surgery: Do Not Enter - Restricted Personnel Only". Jensen pushed them open and was stopped in his tracks. Two men in green scrubs stood over the operating table with scalpels in hand.
"You can't be in here. Get out! said one of the nurses. She reached over her shoulder to pick up the telephone and no doubt, to dial security, but before she could get her hand around it, the double doors burst open and two uniformed officers stepped in, grabbing both Jensen's hands and making an attempt to remove him from the room.
"No! Please, let me see him! Let me go, I have to see him!" Jensen screamed, flailing his hands and kicking, trying to do anything that would force those men to release him so that he could go and be by Jared's side.
"Calm down, buddy! Calm down!" One officer screamed, holding Jensen's hand tighter.
"Please, don't take me away, I have to see him. He needs me, my baby needs me!"
Jensen's cries seemed to fall on deaf ears as they began pulling him through the doors until one doctor stopped them.
"Wait! Let him go," he called.
"What? He can't be in here. He's a reporter who broke through the barricade and,-" one officer started to say.
"No, I know this man, and he's no reporter, he's Jared's partner. Let him go but escort him to the Observation Room, please. It's for the safety of the patient. You may watch from there, sir, but I need you to leave, now."
The officers exchanged a look of angst but then conceded, releasing Jensen's arms and slowly walking him to the next room. He let out a sigh of relief and collapsed against the wall. One of the guards ran over to Jensen, catching him just before he hit the floor.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
"Yes, I'm fine. I just feel so...I feel dehydrated."
"Hold on." With that, he walked over to the fountain, grabbed a cup from the dispenser, filled it with water and walked back over to Jensen.
"Here, drink this," he said, handing it to Jensen. After Jensen had finished the water, he realized that he was beginning to feel much better and his attention returned to where it belonged, on Jared.
"Oh God. Is he...is he OK?" Jensen asked, tears welling up in his eyes. Just seeing Jared there, lying so still on the table, a breathing tube down his throat and machines surrounding him, breathing for him, giving him life, it made Jensen feel overwhelmed and he had to hold on the guard's arm to keep from collapsing again.
"Whoa there, take a seat. Just sit here for a minute to catch your breath," the guard said, leading Jensen over to a chair in front of the window. Jensen slid down into it and stared at the sight before him, wanting to look away but unable to do so. Jared needed him to be strong for both of them at the moment. The doctors had resumed whatever they had been doing before Jensen had interrupted them. They picked up their scalpels and began cutting into Jared's flesh. Jensen had to turn away as he saw blood begin to flow from Jared's wounds.
Over the speakers Jensen heard, "Ok, the first incision is made now let's cleanse the area and then remove the fragments."
Their instructions forced Jensen, as is human nature, to look at what they were doing. He watched as they used an instrument to reach into the incision and pull out what looked to be a bullet fragment. It clanked into the pan the nurse held. Jensen froze when he saw it and tears began to silently slide down his cheeks.
Oh, baby!
Jensen watched again and again as they dug into Jared's chest and pulled out more pieces of shattered metal. He closed his eyes and just sent a quiet prayer above, begging for a second chance to make things work. Jensen thought if God could grant him that, then he would be a very happy man; and, as if out of nowhere, something Chris had said to him came floating back. Chris had told Jensen that with everything that had happened between them, if he really wanted things to work between him and Jared, he should keep his hope and cling to his leap of faith. Jensen was not sure why he was thinking about that moment, but it was so vivid in his head that he could picture every detail of their exchange that day. Thinking about that forced Jensen to believe that Jared and he were at that point in their relationship, they had survive all the drama, all the pain, because through it all Jensen had faith in them and their love. He had done it before and he could do it again. He would keep the faith for both of them. That wouldn't be the end of their story, it just couldn't be. That train of thought kept Jensen believing that Jared would come back to him and that they would get through things as they had everything else in their lives. Their faith would help them get through it.
The doctor's hand on his brought Jensen back to the present and he had no choice but to prepare to hear the news.
"Well, he made it through the surgery alright but he is still in critical condition. He has multiple gunshot wounds to his chest and unfortunately, a bullet pierced his right lung so there was some internal bleeding. We have stabilized him, though, and he is no longer on the breathing machine.
He has a good chance, Jensen. That's all I can say with any certainty, he has a chance," With that the doctor began to slightly caress the top of Jensen's hand.
"Thank you," Jensen barely managed to get out, "I...appreciate what you're trying to do for him, and thank you for letting me observe. You didn't know me but you let me in. I'll never forget you for that."
The doctor smiled and shook his head, "My daughter is a big fan of Jared. She loves him to death and thinks he is the next best thing to God. She has his posters all over her room."
"And you don't have a problem with that knowing that he's..." and for some reason, Jensen couldn't get the words out.
"Gay? Not at all. He's still a person, isn't he? Someone's son, someone's brother," and then pausing to look Jensen in the eye, the doctor continued with, "Someone's lover? I know who you are, Jensen. I've read the papers, and to tell you the God's honest truth it's a shame that you boys had to go through all that you did. It's a damn shame that things had to come to this, but I'll promise you one thing, my staff and I will do our best to keep Jared here with us."
"Thanks," Jensen responded, the weight on his shoulder slightly lifted from the doctor's kind words.
"Well, if you want, you can have some time alone with him. He's still unconscious but he just may be able to hear what you have to say. It might be the thing to bring him back."
Jensen readily jumped at the offer and followed the doctor until they reached a closed door marked 309. The doctor slowly opened it and stepped aside, allowing Jensen to pass. Jensen slowly walked in and turned around just in time to catch the doctor's back as he shut the door. He slowly turned back around and walked up to the bedside. Looking down on Jared, Jensen saw that he looked as if he were taking a nap. Jared's face remained neutral, as it had been on so many times after he had fallen asleep, after they had made love. There was nothing there to suggest that someone had tried to end his life just a few short hours before or that he was still fighting for his life. Jensen reached for Jared's hand and gently began caressing it as he spoke to Jared.
"Jared, I'm here, baby. I'm here holding your hand, waiting for you to come back to me. I love you so much, baby, and I need you. I need you in my life to make it complete. I need you here with me, Jared, because without you, I just don't think I can go on living another day. I know that you're probably tired and weak from fighting so hard and that you may want to just let go, but don't. I need you, the fans need you. You are so loved, sweetheart, and the world won't be the same without you. I won't be the same without you," and with that, Jensen broke down into a mass of sobs. He couldn't lose Jared, he just couldn't. And as if Jared could feel his pain, Jensen felt something. He looked down on Jared's hand encased in his and saw that Jared's fingers were moving. It wasn't much, but it was something. It seemed only a second before it stopped, but it was enough to let Jensen know that Jared was still there somewhere and that he was going to fight things with Jensen standing by his side. Jensen leaned into Jared and kissed him gently. There was no response. Jensen took the seat nearest to Jared and continued to hold Jared's hand as he laid his head on the side of Jared's bed and softly began to sing one of the songs he had written with Jared. He knew he could not hold a tune but it was enough for him to get through the next twenty-four hours and it was enough for Jared to know that Jensen was there, no matter what.
Chapter 31
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 6,953
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 30:
Jensen sat on the edge of the examining table staring at a single spot on the wall, purposely willing his mind into madness. It had been less than three hours since his fainting spell and he hadn't allowed his mind to grasp the concept that things had changed. The images of the scene: the police, the crowd, the ambulances and the body bag were still fresh in his mind but Jensen had hidden them so far back that he was beginning to think that maybe it was all a sick dream that he would one day wake up from. Of course, he knew deep, deep down that it was no dream but if his mind couldn't grasp it, he wouldn't have to deal with it, deal with the situation, deal with the fact that the man that he loved above everyone and everything else was gone and would not be coming back. Jensen knew that eventually reality would have to rear its ugly head and bite him in the ass, but right here, right now, reality was just a figment of Jensen’s imagination.
"Mr.Ackles, I've checked your injuries and everything appears kosher. You've got a nasty bruise on your left cheek and of course the stitches but other than that, you're fine," The doctor's voice broke Jensen out of his thoughts and he forced himself to look at the doctor.
"Thanks," Jensen muttered, lowering his eyes. He couldn't have cared less if the doctor told him he had broken a bone or needed an amputation. It just didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.
"Well, if there are no questions…"the doctor waited a few seconds for a response that didn't come then continued, "you may go. See the nurse on your way out and if you feel any discomfort, take an Advil or two, it helps, trust me," He offered a small smile that reeked of sympathy and Jensen found himself wanting to respond but finding that he was unable to. The words refused to formulate in his mind and when he finally opened his mouth to speak, nothing came out. The doctor looked down at his chart and then back at Jensen.
"Mr. Ackles, I'm sorry about what happened to your friend."
Those words shook Jensen out of his stupor for a moment.
"What?" Jensen asked, anger somehow finding its way into his voice.
"You are Jared Padalecki’s lover, aren't you? I recognize your face from the papers," His words set something off inside of Jensen and for absolutely no reason whatsoever he started to curse the doctor.
"And what the fuck is it to you? You've got a smart-assed comment to make, too? You people are just all the same! Why can't you just leave us alone?"
Jensen’s last statement was said in a whisper and before he could stop himself, he started to cry. The knot in his throat had become too big to bear and Jensen found he was unable to stop the flow of tears once they had started. He knew he must have looked like a big baby, sitting on the examining table bawling his eyes out but he didn't care.
He heard the doctor clear his throat and then begin to speak, "Mr. Ackles.... Jensen, I'm sorry about your loss," He paused for a moment and seemed hesitant to continue but he did, "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. I lost my wife to leukemia two years ago and even though I live through the pain every day, I try not to let it get to me. It may not seem like it now but...it will get better...eventually."
Those words somehow soothed Jensen and he felt the sudden need to talk, to purge his soul, "Does it? It hasn't.... been...a day yet and I feel like...like I want to...I just...I wish it were me. It should be me. Everything is my fault...it really is...I changed him...he came out for me...because ...of....me...someone.... kill...." the word refused to come out and once again Jensen found the tears begin to flow. Jensen’s left hand cupped his eyes and he turned his head away from the man in front of him. He didn't want the doctor to see what an asshole he was, what an asshole he had been. He didn't want the doctor to see what a murderer he was. Jensen killed Jared with his every action and there was no doubt in his mind that if he had not let on to Jared how he truly felt, and if he had not pushed the issue of ‘them’, then maybe Jared would have been still alive. They would have been just friends but Jared would have been alive to be his friend. But, no, he had to get greedy. He had to want more than Jared was willing to give. Jensen knew he would never get over, or forget that. And right at that moment, all Jensen wanted to do was to take Jared’s place. He wanted to die and if he couldn't bring Jared back, he wanted to be dead alongside him.
Jensen looked up at the doctor and noticed that he was looking at him strangely. For a moment, Jensen actually thought that the doctor could read his mind; that maybe he knew Jensen’s thoughts but when he broke contact by looking at his chart, Jensen dispelled such thoughts from his mind. He couldn't possibly know. Could he?
"Well, Jensen, there isn't much I can do for you except offer my ear. Here is my card. Also, I'm going to give you a list of phone numbers. They're for support groups, grief-counseling groups. It'll help, believe me," The doctor stated, handing Jensen a card and a sheet of paper with a list of numbers on it.
"I won't be needing it," Jensen began to tell him, "I'm OK. I don't need some shrink to tell me that. And besides, I really don't have the time."
He looked at Jensen sympathetically and shook his head, "Well, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to, but I'm still extending my services to you free of charge. If you ever need to talk,-"
"I won't," Jensen declared, handing the card back to him but he just pushed Jensen’s hands back towards his chest and said, "Well, just in case you do. Keep it close at hand."
Jensen looked down at the card, and along with the folded paper, he put it into his shirt pocket.
"Thanks," Jensen replied, not looking at him. He hopped off the table and began walking towards the door.
"Jensen..."
Jensen stopped in his tracks, his feet feeling wobbly beneath him, and for a moment he thought he might faint, but instead he was able to turn around.
"Take care of yourself, please, and if you need someone to talk to, please use my number," The doctor offered a smile Jensen’s way, one that Jensen found homely and gracious and once again, he felt the urge to let it all go, the pain, the frustration, the unease, but he knew that if he did that, he would be acknowledging the inevitable and then he would have to deal with it.
"I will and thanks.... I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me but...I...I...I can't, not right now."
"I understand."
No words were exchanged after that but Jensen somehow felt that connection between them. He had gone through loss and so had Jensen; that meant that they had shared a common bond and he patted the pocket that held the card. Jensen knew he wasn't ready yet to deal with the situation but maybe later down the line he would need someone to talk to. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to keep his number, just in case.
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The sounds around him seemed amplified tenfold, and it was as if he wasn't even here anymore. His body felt weird and he felt every little thing that they were trying to do to him, and all of that scared the shit out of Jared. He remembered what had happened scene for scene, and he remembered what he had felt: The bullets entering his back, one by one; the pain surging through each muscle, one by one. But none of that compared to the emotional pain that Jared felt knowing that he would never get a chance to tell the man that he loved how much he meant to him, nor would he have the opportunity to make all that he had put Jensen through right again. That realization was what hurt Jared the most, but he also believed, deep down, that it was what was keeping him alive at the moment. Maybe Jared was still clinging on to the realization that if he made it through, he would have someone there who would love him through thick and thin. Someone who would stand by him no matter what, and most importantly, someone who would take him as he was, not Jared Padalecki, the superstar, but rather Jared Padalecki, the man. Knowing that he had Jensen to go home to if he just held on a little longer left Jared fighting everything those voices around him were saying.
"God, we're going to lose him! His blood pressure is dropping fast!"
"Well, stabilize it, damn it! I will not lose this man!"
"We're doing the best we can, doc, but this doesn't look too good. EMT said three bullets to the chest and three in the limbs."
"We've had worse."
"Well ,we can't open him up if we don't stabilize his blood pressure."
"Listen to me and listen to me good. We won’t lose this patient! Do you know who this is?"
"They said some famous singer."
"Some famous singer! Some famous singer! This is not just some famous singer, this is Jared Padalecki and if we lose him tonight, my daughter will never forgive me."
Well, at least the doc's on my side.
Jared knew that if he made it through, he would have to be sure to give the doctor tickets for his daughter. But for the moment he had to base all his concentration on not slipping into the black unknown because he knew if he did, that would have been the end for him and he refused to go out like that.
But as the words they spoke became heavier and heavier to his ears, Jared knew that it was out of his control. The fight was now up to the Man upstairs and if He had decided that it was time for him to come on home, he would have no choice but to go. But he would miss it for sure: The music, the fans and most importantly, the one constant in his life, Jensen. If he died, at least he could say that he had found someone to love and someone to love him back. Jared said one final prayer in his head, just asking for one more chance, but if he couldn't get it, all he wanted was for Jensen to find the happiness that he truly deserved. That he would get over him and move on with someone that would give him the world and not cause him any pain, as he had done. If Jared could be granted that last wish, then he could die a contented man. He felt his head get heavy and his mind become cloudy, just as it had when Patrick had shot him and thinking that it was the end, Jared recalled Jensen's face in his mind just long enough to say thank you, and then, everything went black... again.
_______________________________
As Chris stood by the kitchen sink looking out into the living room, he thought about his life. It had been almost two months since he and Misha had reconnected and Chris had to admit that it had been a pretty good two months. At first, he had thought he had made a big mistake by allowing Misha to catch and reel him in with the bait he called Love, but little by little, Misha had managed to wear down Chris’s resolve. Finally it seemed that Chris had turned into one of those saps that he resented. It took a while for him to get used to his change in lifestyle, after all he hadn't exactly been a one-man kind of guy, but Misha could be persuasive. His lips on Chris’s could make him do things that he didn't believe were possible. Then when Misha wanted to turn things up a notch, those lips would make a trip down south and have Chris singing a brand new tune. But they did have a relationship outside of sex and Chris was amazed at how well he had been handling it. Whereas before he wouldn't have gone out in public holding a guy's hand, Chris was finally more than accepting of the fact that a public display of affection was part of a relationship and that it was a sign of commitment, and of course, that thrilled Misha no end. In the beginning, he had trod lightly around Chris, maybe afraid that Chris would change his mind, but after two months of nothing but consistent affection, he gave in. Of course that didn't mean that they were without their share of problems. The fact that Chris lived in LA and Misha in Nashville made for some long-distance tension. Many times, the situation had come to a head and turned into an all-out shouting match and with neither of them willing to give in, it got old after a while. Chris had been thinking recently that maybe he had a solution to all of that but he wasn't sure how Misha would react to it, and just on cue, the phone rang.
"Hello," Chris answered, somehow knowing that it was Misha.
"Hey, baby, how are you?" Misha responded sweetly, and Chris realized that he would have a hard time waiting another week for him to get there.
"Good. How are things with you?"
"Could be better. I had two surgeries this morning, back to back and unfortunately, one of them didn't make it," Misha paused, sighing before he continued, "father of three kids," His voice sounded heavy and Chris knew Misha was getting into that depression mode again.
"You did your best, Misha, you can't save them all. You know that."
"Yeah, I know, I just feel like...I feel like there is more I could have done, you know. Anyway, I'm on call in five minutes so I have to make his quick. I have some bad news about this weekend."
Chris took a deep breath and waited for Misha to drop the bombshell on him. After all, it wouldn't have been the first time.
"I have to cancel. I have a conference to go to in New York. It's really important, Chris, and I was lucky to be able to get a seat to go. They only ever take five doctors from this area."
Chris could imagine Misha pursing his lips, waiting for his response.
"Well, I suppose you got to do what you got to do, Misha."
There was a moment of silence after that until, "You're upset with me," Misha stated.
"No, I'm not. I just think that... I just wish you wouldn't make arrangements to come see me on the weekends when you know your weekends aren't free," Chris had tried his best to hold his brewing anger in, but it seemed to have spilled over into his words.
"I didn't plan this on purpose, Chris. It just happened. This opportunity fell right into my lap and I just couldn't pass it up."
"But you could pass me up, right?" Chris knew he was being unfair, but the fact that he had been going without for almost two weeks now seemed to have clouded his judgment.
"I can't believe you sometimes, Chris. After everything I do for you, how could you even say that? Who comes up there to see you almost every weekend, huh? Who does that? Me, that's who! I take time off from work, reroute patients and basically put my life on hold so that I can come see you, and never once have you offered to come down here. Why is that, Chris?"
Misha’s tone had darkened and Chris could predict an argument coming. Of course, they were just disagreeing at the moment but it was about to get a whole lot worse.
"You're the one who wanted the commitment, Misha, so don't come crying to me because you have to make the sacrifices," Chris hadn't meant to say it as he did, but sometimes, in the heat of the moment, people say and do things that they know aren't right.
"Fuck you, Chris. Fuck You! If you don't want to be in this relationship, then leave. If you're doing me such a big favor by being involved in this relationship, then just fucking leave! I don't need you, Chris. I don't need you, and I don't need this stress, especially when my so-called sacrifices are being treated so ungratefully," Misha sounded very tough at the moment but if Chris knew him as well as he did, he knew that Misha was trying his hardest not to seem soft in front of him.
"Listen, I'm sorry, OK? I don't want to fight with you, Misha but you have to understand what I'm going through from my point of view. This is the first real relationship that I've been in and it's a big fucking step from what I'm used to. This whole fidelity and monogamy thing is hard enough without adding to the mix the fact that we don't even see each other on a regular basis," Chris didn't know he had it in him to be diplomatic, but it seemed to him that his newfound sense of diplomacy had managed to diffuse an already heated situation when Misha asked him a question rather than shouting it.
"Why does this have to be so hard, Chris? I mean, before, things weren't all that great, but at least we could have had a conversation without it turning into some shouting match. But now, it seems that all we do is argue and bicker like children. I love you so much, Chris, and I'm afraid if we keep this up, that I'll... that I'll lose you," Misha’s voice sounded somber and Chris could imagine his face frowning.
Chris thought about the next turn of his words before he said them, "It'll get better, Misha. It's just because we're new to this and we've been away from each other for weeks now. Things will get better when we see each other again," And recalling Misha’s reason for calling him, Chris continued with, "It may not be this weekend but it'll be soon, I promise."
Chris didn't feel as confident as he sounded but Misha didn't need to know that. Chris heard a pager go off in the background and knew that their short conversation was about to come to an end.
"Well, that's me. I'm sorry Chris, for canceling. If you want...I can cancel the conference and come to see you."
Chris wondered if Misha was serious and just by the simple fact that he was patiently waiting for Chris’s response confirmed to him that he was. And not for the first time, Chris realized that Misha did love him. Despite all that he put Misha through, and all the stresses that he heaped upon Misha’s life, he truly, madly, deeply did love him and finally realizing that, made Chris both happy and sad. Happy in the fact that he didn't feel so bad if he was starting to have those feelings for Misha when he realized that they would be returned tenfold, but he was sad in terms that he wasn't too sure that he could love Misha the way he wanted to, or deserved to be loved. Somewhere along the way, Chris had stopped being his selfish old self and had decided to give Misha a half-way decent chance of getting under his skin and into his heart. Misha had tried his darnedest and had finally succeeded but Chris hadn't had the courage to let him know just how deep his feelings ran for Misha. A part of Chris still feared that giving up himself to Misha would mean giving up the core of who he was and what he had been for the majority of his life, a self-indulgent playboy who never intended to be bedded down with one guy. But things had changed drastically, and Misha was the cause of it all.
"I believe you, Chris. I know this is hard on you and I know that you've rearranged your whole lifestyle for us and I just want you to know that no matter what, I love and appreciate you for it."
Misha’s words touched Chris to the core and he had to stop himself from feeling moved by his words.
"Well, I better let you go back to work. Maybe I'll call you later for a little bump and grind," Chris hoped that would be enough to turn the conversation around, for all of that serious talk and expressions of love was getting to him.
He could practically hear Misha smiling through the phone, "Bump and grind, huh, I bet you'd like that. How long has it been?"
"The last time you were up here, too damn long. I miss that ass of yours."
"And you haven't been messing with anyone else?" Misha ventured, his tone taking a one-eighty degree turn. He was still suspicious of what Chris did while he was away and he had every right to be. Chris wasn't exactly a perfect model when it came to fidelity and it was becoming harder and harder to turn away all those men that wanted to mess with him.
"You know I haven't. If I feel the need to fuck another guy, Misha, you'll be the first to know," Chris waited for a response from Misha and when none came, he continued with, "I meant what I said about being faithful, Misha. Remember that."
Misha sheepishly apologized for bringing it up, and before Chris could intervene with a 'don't worry about it', he had said "I love you" and hung up. Chris replaced the receiver in its cradle and walked into the living room. Sitting on the sofa, he turned on the television and was just in time to catch the last five minutes of the evening news.
"Well, as reported earlier by our affiliate in Nashville, famed R and B superstar Jared Padalecki was shot inside his garage at around three-thirty this afternoon. Sources close to the investigation report that Mr. Padalecki sustained serious gunshot wounds to the chest, arms and legs and remains in critical condition at Nashville Medical Centre. Again, famed R and B superstar Jared has been shot and critically injured in an alleged murder attempt by someone in his camp. We will bring you more details as they become available to us. Lisa, back you. Thanks, Shannon and in other news..."
Chris leaned back against the couch, his mouth agape and tried to get his thoughts together. Could that be true? The media had been wrong about that sort of thing before and had caused mass hysteria with their false reports but for some reason, that didn't seem to be the case. They even gave the type of injury that he had sustained and the hospital in which he was being treated. Chris picked up the phone and began punching in Jensen's cell phone number. If there was any truth to it, Jensen would know. After the fourth ring, Chris was about to hang up when he heard Jensen’s voice on the other end of the line.
"Hello," Jensen sounded hoarse, as if he had been crying.
"Jen, it's Chris. I just heard on the news about Jared. I'm so sorry."
"Me too. I was supposed to be meeting him to, to work things out but then...then this happened," Chris could hear that Jensen was desperately trying to hold it together and that made his heart clench in his chest. His friend was hurting and there seemed to nothing that Chris could do to ease his pain.
"What happened?" Chris asked, wanting to hear things from Jensen’s perspective.
"I don't know. They just said someone, a fan maybe, shot him a number of times," Jensen’s voice broke and he started to cry quietly, "They killed him just because he was with me. They killed him because of me, Chris. If it wasn't for me, if I didn't push this lifestyle on him, maybe, maybe he would still be alive," Jensen’s emotions had collapsed and he started to openly cry.
It took Chris a while to focus in on what Jensen had said and when Chris realized the consequences of it, he spoke up.
"He's not dead, Jensen! He's in critical condition but he's still alive."
"What?" Jensen asked, his voice uncertain.
"On the news, they said he's in critical condition at Nashville Medical Centre."
"No, they're wrong. He's dead, he died. I saw his body. I... he's dead, he's dead," From that point on, Jensen totally disintegrated into a mass of sobs. Chris wanted so bad to be able to reach through the phone and hold him at that moment, to be the friend he had failed to be so many times before.
"It's OK, Jenny, it's OK, baby. It's OK... It'll be OK, just calm down. Take a deep breath and calm down," Jensen seemed to be following Chris’s instructions for he began to breathe normally again and his sobs became less violent.
"You OK now, Jenny?" Chris asked, hoping to get Jensen to tell him something that would confirm to him that he was truly OK.
"Yeah," he answered weakly.
"I can be there in a few hours if you need me..."
Jensen cut him off stating that he was going to be fine. Chris was at a loss for words as to what to say now but the decision was quickly made for him.
"He's really alive, he's OK? Are you sure, Chris?"
"Yes, it was on the news. They said he was in critical condition but that he was still alive. He's still alive, Jensen," Chris’s words seemed to bring about a sigh of relief from Jensen and the repeated mantra of 'thank you'.
"You'll be ok, Jensen, you'll be ok," Chris stated to which he replied,
"Thanks Chris...I...I have to go but I'll call you later. And Chris...I love you. Thanks...for everything," Chris could hear the emotion in Jensen’s voice and could tell that he was on the verge of tears again, so he quickly gave him an out by telling him to go see Jared. Jensen was more than happy to oblige Chris and hung up. After that, Chris spent a few minutes just sitting and digesting everything that had just happened. Someone upstairs was obviously messing with Jared as that was the second time that misfortune had struck him. The first time he had up and disappeared leaving everyone believing that he had been killed in a plane crash and then this incident.
Poor Jensen!
Jensen had been through so much with the relationship, but like a faithful puppy, he just kept going back for more. It was the first time that Chris finally realized that Jensen really did love Jared with all his heart. To stand by a man who was a public identity one second and the next, a volatile man who was liable to snap at any minute, that sure was love. But through all of that, Jensen had been there, and it made Chris wonder if Misha would be that strong in his resolve to be with him. Of course, they had not had anything happen in their relationship that could come close to what Jared and Jensen had gone through. But they had had their share of bad times, and through it all, Misha had stood by him, determined to keep them together and even though in the beginning Chris had not appreciated it, he finally did. Chris picked up the phone again and punched in the familiar number.
Misha's answering machine greeted him and Chris decided to leave him a message,
"Hey, Misha. I um...I was thinking that you're right. I have been a little selfish lately and I want to make it up to you. I'm thinking that I can be there by nine tomorrow and that way we can at least have Thursday and Friday nights together before your conference on Saturday. You've been right in saying that I've been avoiding coming down there but it is only to keep myself out of trouble. It's been hard for me not being able to have sex whenever I want and not being able to see you whenever I want. But I want to give this...give us, an honest shot. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm serious about this and about you and...I think, no, I know that...I love you. Anyway, I got to go but I'll see you tomorrow, bye."
With that, Chris hung up. He couldn't believe that he had actually said it. Never in his wildest dreams would Chris have thought that those words were capable of coming out of his mouth, but they had, and to top it all off, he didn't feel the tinge of regret that he thought he would if and when the time had come for him to say that to another person. It left Chris smiling inside, knowing that maybe for once in his life, he was man enough to trust someone else.
_______________________________
Jensen stood inside the lobby of the Nashville Medical Centre amidst hordes of reporters and bystanders alike, unable to get past the barricade that was set up by the hospital staff and Security personnel. He wanted to make a mad dash towards them but knew that that would only get him so far and he would likely be put in a jail cell. But he would not give up, not when the man that he loved was in there, all alone, trying to fight for his life. He decided to make another attempt up at the nurse's station, to see if someone, anyone,could get him in, if only for a second.
"Excuse me?" Jensen asked, trying his best not to look annoyed at the nurse behind the counter who even refused to acknowledge his presence.
"What can I do for you?" She replied, not even having the decency to look at Jensen.
"I want to see Jared Padalecki."
She finally looked up at Jensen's words but the expression on her face was a far cry from sympathetic.
"You and half the free world, sweetheart. Mr. Padalecki is off -limits so why don't you go join your other reporter buddies and leave me in peace," With that, she turned her chair around and began reading a magazine that was lying by her desk. On impulse, Jensen reached over and snatched it out of her hand.
"Hey!" She called, "Give that back and get the hell away from my station before I call Security."
Jensen was not about to let her get the upper hand, though. He threw the magazine over her head and when she bent to pick it up, Jensen ran past her station and through the door that stated "Restricted Personnel Only". Jensen could hear her scream something to someone in the background but he didn't care. He had to find Jared. He ran down the long, white corridor trying every door that looked promising until he came to two double doors marked "Surgery: Do Not Enter - Restricted Personnel Only". Jensen pushed them open and was stopped in his tracks. Two men in green scrubs stood over the operating table with scalpels in hand.
"You can't be in here. Get out! said one of the nurses. She reached over her shoulder to pick up the telephone and no doubt, to dial security, but before she could get her hand around it, the double doors burst open and two uniformed officers stepped in, grabbing both Jensen's hands and making an attempt to remove him from the room.
"No! Please, let me see him! Let me go, I have to see him!" Jensen screamed, flailing his hands and kicking, trying to do anything that would force those men to release him so that he could go and be by Jared's side.
"Calm down, buddy! Calm down!" One officer screamed, holding Jensen's hand tighter.
"Please, don't take me away, I have to see him. He needs me, my baby needs me!"
Jensen's cries seemed to fall on deaf ears as they began pulling him through the doors until one doctor stopped them.
"Wait! Let him go," he called.
"What? He can't be in here. He's a reporter who broke through the barricade and,-" one officer started to say.
"No, I know this man, and he's no reporter, he's Jared's partner. Let him go but escort him to the Observation Room, please. It's for the safety of the patient. You may watch from there, sir, but I need you to leave, now."
The officers exchanged a look of angst but then conceded, releasing Jensen's arms and slowly walking him to the next room. He let out a sigh of relief and collapsed against the wall. One of the guards ran over to Jensen, catching him just before he hit the floor.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
"Yes, I'm fine. I just feel so...I feel dehydrated."
"Hold on." With that, he walked over to the fountain, grabbed a cup from the dispenser, filled it with water and walked back over to Jensen.
"Here, drink this," he said, handing it to Jensen. After Jensen had finished the water, he realized that he was beginning to feel much better and his attention returned to where it belonged, on Jared.
"Oh God. Is he...is he OK?" Jensen asked, tears welling up in his eyes. Just seeing Jared there, lying so still on the table, a breathing tube down his throat and machines surrounding him, breathing for him, giving him life, it made Jensen feel overwhelmed and he had to hold on the guard's arm to keep from collapsing again.
"Whoa there, take a seat. Just sit here for a minute to catch your breath," the guard said, leading Jensen over to a chair in front of the window. Jensen slid down into it and stared at the sight before him, wanting to look away but unable to do so. Jared needed him to be strong for both of them at the moment. The doctors had resumed whatever they had been doing before Jensen had interrupted them. They picked up their scalpels and began cutting into Jared's flesh. Jensen had to turn away as he saw blood begin to flow from Jared's wounds.
Over the speakers Jensen heard, "Ok, the first incision is made now let's cleanse the area and then remove the fragments."
Their instructions forced Jensen, as is human nature, to look at what they were doing. He watched as they used an instrument to reach into the incision and pull out what looked to be a bullet fragment. It clanked into the pan the nurse held. Jensen froze when he saw it and tears began to silently slide down his cheeks.
Oh, baby!
Jensen watched again and again as they dug into Jared's chest and pulled out more pieces of shattered metal. He closed his eyes and just sent a quiet prayer above, begging for a second chance to make things work. Jensen thought if God could grant him that, then he would be a very happy man; and, as if out of nowhere, something Chris had said to him came floating back. Chris had told Jensen that with everything that had happened between them, if he really wanted things to work between him and Jared, he should keep his hope and cling to his leap of faith. Jensen was not sure why he was thinking about that moment, but it was so vivid in his head that he could picture every detail of their exchange that day. Thinking about that forced Jensen to believe that Jared and he were at that point in their relationship, they had survive all the drama, all the pain, because through it all Jensen had faith in them and their love. He had done it before and he could do it again. He would keep the faith for both of them. That wouldn't be the end of their story, it just couldn't be. That train of thought kept Jensen believing that Jared would come back to him and that they would get through things as they had everything else in their lives. Their faith would help them get through it.
The doctor's hand on his brought Jensen back to the present and he had no choice but to prepare to hear the news.
"Well, he made it through the surgery alright but he is still in critical condition. He has multiple gunshot wounds to his chest and unfortunately, a bullet pierced his right lung so there was some internal bleeding. We have stabilized him, though, and he is no longer on the breathing machine.
He has a good chance, Jensen. That's all I can say with any certainty, he has a chance," With that the doctor began to slightly caress the top of Jensen's hand.
"Thank you," Jensen barely managed to get out, "I...appreciate what you're trying to do for him, and thank you for letting me observe. You didn't know me but you let me in. I'll never forget you for that."
The doctor smiled and shook his head, "My daughter is a big fan of Jared. She loves him to death and thinks he is the next best thing to God. She has his posters all over her room."
"And you don't have a problem with that knowing that he's..." and for some reason, Jensen couldn't get the words out.
"Gay? Not at all. He's still a person, isn't he? Someone's son, someone's brother," and then pausing to look Jensen in the eye, the doctor continued with, "Someone's lover? I know who you are, Jensen. I've read the papers, and to tell you the God's honest truth it's a shame that you boys had to go through all that you did. It's a damn shame that things had to come to this, but I'll promise you one thing, my staff and I will do our best to keep Jared here with us."
"Thanks," Jensen responded, the weight on his shoulder slightly lifted from the doctor's kind words.
"Well, if you want, you can have some time alone with him. He's still unconscious but he just may be able to hear what you have to say. It might be the thing to bring him back."
Jensen readily jumped at the offer and followed the doctor until they reached a closed door marked 309. The doctor slowly opened it and stepped aside, allowing Jensen to pass. Jensen slowly walked in and turned around just in time to catch the doctor's back as he shut the door. He slowly turned back around and walked up to the bedside. Looking down on Jared, Jensen saw that he looked as if he were taking a nap. Jared's face remained neutral, as it had been on so many times after he had fallen asleep, after they had made love. There was nothing there to suggest that someone had tried to end his life just a few short hours before or that he was still fighting for his life. Jensen reached for Jared's hand and gently began caressing it as he spoke to Jared.
"Jared, I'm here, baby. I'm here holding your hand, waiting for you to come back to me. I love you so much, baby, and I need you. I need you in my life to make it complete. I need you here with me, Jared, because without you, I just don't think I can go on living another day. I know that you're probably tired and weak from fighting so hard and that you may want to just let go, but don't. I need you, the fans need you. You are so loved, sweetheart, and the world won't be the same without you. I won't be the same without you," and with that, Jensen broke down into a mass of sobs. He couldn't lose Jared, he just couldn't. And as if Jared could feel his pain, Jensen felt something. He looked down on Jared's hand encased in his and saw that Jared's fingers were moving. It wasn't much, but it was something. It seemed only a second before it stopped, but it was enough to let Jensen know that Jared was still there somewhere and that he was going to fight things with Jensen standing by his side. Jensen leaned into Jared and kissed him gently. There was no response. Jensen took the seat nearest to Jared and continued to hold Jared's hand as he laid his head on the side of Jared's bed and softly began to sing one of the songs he had written with Jared. He knew he could not hold a tune but it was enough for him to get through the next twenty-four hours and it was enough for Jared to know that Jensen was there, no matter what.
Chapter 31
