Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon

[something_rare]

Title: Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Jensen / Jared
Word Count: 4500+/-
Disclaimer: No hurt intended to the real guys. This is just fiction.
Summary: A ficlet based on Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon by Backstreet Boys




"I'm engaged…. I'm a very lucky man."


He pushed his sunglasses a little higher up his nose and pressed his eyes shut, unwilling to let the tears fall, not when he was in public, not when he was still at the airport. He could wait until he was in the safety of his home. He had to wait.


He looked around the terminal. It seemed to him that love was everywhere around him, in the hellos and in goodbyes: fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, lovers. No one was there to greet him. No one was there for him.


People were walking by, glancing at him, casually showing him a smile, which he politely returned with a fake and forced smile of his own. What was all the smiling policy in the airports about anyway? What if that woman over there was getting on a plane to see a dying relative? What if that man sitting at the terminal seat, reading the newspaper, was actually traveling to another state to see a cancer specialist? What if that guy with the headphones on had just had a fight with his parents and left home for good? Did anyone have a clue that it could be a bad, rotten day for some people? Did they have a clue what those forced smiles could do to someone's soul? How could they possibly know about what rollercoaster of life he had been through just in the past seventy two hours? How could they know how he had spent a night with the most important person in his life, kissing his tears away and bring smile to his sad face?  


He felt completely numb. Nothing made sense anymore. How could the most amazing night of kissing and loving and touching, a night of laughter and tears change into a morning of agony and misery? How could life possibly go on after that?


When he could not take their smiles and glances anymore, he looked up at the tall airport ceiling. The bright glare of the airport ceiling reminded him of the moment he had to stare up at the hall ceiling with a smile plastered over his face when Jared was talking to the fans about how he had proposed.


He looked around and noticed two girls talking and glancing his way.


God, please don't let them be fans! Please!


Before they had a chance to approach him, he shrugged his backpack up on his shoulder, pulled his cap lower on his head, hung his head low and started walking toward the exit gates. He did not want to torture himself with thoughts of what had happened; he did not want to think about how in just three days his world had turned upside down, but it was inevitable.

If only he had made a different decision that day. If only he had not gone to the Supernatural audition. If only he had not opened his hotel room door to Jared that afternoon. If only Jared had not confessed his feelings for him that afternoon. If only Jared had stayed true to his confession and had not ripped his whole world apart, Jensen would not be there all alone, while someone else was getting the best of Jared.


Well, he had opened his hotel room door that afternoon and now he had to live with the consequences.


What was he supposed to do now?



He could remember it all so clearly. He had arrived in LA for the fan convention, just an hour before and was unpacking when he heard a knock on the door.


"Hey Jimbo!" he cheerfully said with a smile as soon as he saw Jared behind the door, but the smile soon faded as soon as he saw that look on Jared's face and one look in Jared's eyes was enough for him to know something was wrong, horribly wrong.


"What's wrong, buddy?"


That was all it took for Jared to burst into tears and walked into his arms and he did not hesitate to take him into his embrace, willing to take his pain, the hurt in Jared's eyes away.


"She...I...," the hiccups got in the way of his talking and so Jared just stood there in his arms and cried.


"Jared? Come on, pal, talk to me."


"Sandy...she ...she just called it off."


"Oh God! Jared!" Jensen said and just stood there, waiting for Jared to let it all out. Finally, when Jared was calm a little, Jensen guided him to the couch and took out two beers from the mini bar. He handed one to Jared and sat down next to him, looking at Jared. That was when Jared looked up at him. For a while, they stayed like that, both looking at one another, neither knowing where to start. That was when Jensen asked Jared about Sandy and what had happened. Jared closed his eyes, tears welling up and he began to talk. He told Jensen about getting into a fight with Sandy on their way to LA. He talked about how Sandy was getting cold feet about the engagement and how she did not feel right about it. He talked about how he couldn't withstand staying in the same room with her anymore and how he had to get away. Then he talked about everything, from when he and Sandy had first got together, to how he felt used and betrayed. He talked about how confused he was. He told Jensen how all the insecurities and his low self-esteem that he had fought against for years was all back again.



He also told Jensen about the good times. How much fun he and Sandy used to have, how encouraging and supportive she could be when it came to his career and his dreams. How some nights she'd just took him in her arms and just talk. How he had thought she was the one.



Without any reaction, Jensen just sat there and listened to Jared's confessions. Finally, he moved his hand to Jared's shoulder and pulled him close. Without giving it much thought, he snaked his hand around Jared's back and began to caress it, soothing him as Jared cried and buried his face into his chest.



Maybe it was the physical contact that Jared probably needed so desperately at that moment but Jared clung to him like his life depended on it and stayed like that without saying a word.



Finally, the tears became fewer and far between after a while. It seemed like all the emotion had just drained from Jared's body. Jensen was absentmindedly running his fingers through Jared's hair, massaging his scalp with one hand while the other was still caressing his back. Finally Jared opened his eyes to meet Jensen's and for a moment he looked shocked.


"Are you...are you crying?" Jared asked with a raspy voice and that was Jensen noticed his own tears. Hastily, he just rubbed it away. What the hell was he crying like a girl for?


He just sat there, not knowing what to say or do. Slowly, Jared leaned his forehead down to rest it against Jensen's and Jensen had to take a deep breath to calm his nerves. Something big was about to happen and he had no idea what.


"Jared...what are you...?"


"Shhh Jen. It’s okay." He whispered back. He cupped Jensen's jaw and lifted his face and Jensen was looking right at him, mouths just inches apart.


"I’m so sorry she hurt you, Jared. You deserve so much more." He whispered, "You know that right? You deserve to be loved."


"Jensen..."


Jensen didn’t know what else to say. So he just kept still and stared into his best friend's eyes.


"Please Jensen. Take it away, please," Jared whispered as he moved his face closer, his voice was so low and full of emotion, his deadly grip over Jensen's arm, unwilling to let go, "It hurts so bad."


"Shhh, it's OK," Jensen whispered, "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."


"I love you."


Jensen never meant for it to happen. He did not want it to happen. He never planned for it to happen. He tried to stop it from happening. He never wanted to fall in love with Jared. Hell no. That could have possibly been the most absolute worst thing that could have happened to him. Jensen knew that from the feelings he had, he had been feeling that way for a while at that point, but could not recognize the signs. It was different from any relationship he had ever had before. He was not constantly on guard whenever Jared was around like he normally would. It was normal. He was normal and that was what scared him. He could listen to Jared ramble on for hours about this or that and be comfortable in the fact that it was okay just because Jared was right there with him.


But it was not what he wanted. It could not be what he wanted because Jensen Ackles could not be gay. It was against every moral he was raised with and it would jeopardize their careers. There were already enough talks about it out there in their fandom, but this was Jared he was talking about, his best friend, his little brother, right in front of him, with tears rolling down his  cheeks and he was hurting so bad. He knew he would never deny Jared anything, especially not when he was like this. He needed him. He had to be there for him. That was what he had always done. That was what their friendship was all about, right from the start. So he thought about it for a second, and he realized that it was just experimentation. Not that he had done any experimenting before, but that’s what it was. He was curious about the unknown. The forbidden. Just something that he wanted to do because he was not supposed to.


It was just an experiment.


He gave in.


"I love you, too."


Jared smiled and their lips met.


One night, one smile, one kiss, and his life was changed.


Forever.


How come I was the last to know?
Took the stage, then you stole the show
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon
I was captured by that stare
Now I'm shattered, but I don't care
And the people walking by don't have a clue
That I kissed your face
Till the sun was in our eyes
Till the afternoon arrived
And I can't explain
Last night I saw the fireworks
The kind of pain that never hurts
The one you hate to love is made for you
Another unsuspecting Sunday afternoon



******************************************



He did not know what to expect when he woke up the next day, but whatever he had in mind, it was nothing even close to what really happened. He woke up with the hotel wakeup call to an empty bed and an empty room with no sign of Jared. He figured he probably had run to his room to shower and get ready for the convention scheduled for the day, so he figured he should do the same.


For a while, he just laid there in bed, his hands behind his head, staring up at the ceiling, thinking about the night before. What the hell had happened? How did things come to this? What took them so long? Despite a little confusion, he felt more at ease than he had for years. That was the moment he knew he loved Jared in more ways that he thought was possible, more than he had thought he was ever capable of. That day felt like one of the happiest days he could remember in a long time and he felt guilty about it. Jared's pain and agony over breaking up with Sandy was the reason, it was what brought them together that night and it made him feel a little bad, just a little. 


Half an hour later, when he walked out of the shower, dressed and with still damp hair, Jared was still nowhere to be found. He walked over to the dresser and picked up his phone. As he waited for the phone to dial Jared's number, he looked at his reflection in the mirror. Travel fatigue and the lack of sleep from last night had started to show in his face. 'I look horrible', he thought as he heard Jared's voice mail.


As he heard a knock, he shut his phone off.


"Hey Mike," he said as he opened the door to one of their security members as he stepped out of his room, "Have you seen Jared?"


"He is already down in the lobby. Are you ready to go?"


That stuck him as weird. Jared was never the type to go to any fan meeting alone and without him, but then again, Jared always woke up earlier than he did. He just shrugged his shoulder to that thought and stepped into the elevator. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, replaying last night's events again. He was a little upset that he did not get a chance to talk to Jared that morning before the convention, but did not think anything of it. Jensen knew Jared loved him. Jared had said so the night before so many times. Jared had made love to him. Jensen was sure Jared felt the way he felt. He decided that for the moment, that was enough, more than enough. He had all the time in the world to talk about it.


As soon as he walked out of the elevator, he spotted Jared down the hall, talking to the convention manager.


"Jared!" he called and Jared turned around and gave him a wave and a warm smile before turning his head to the middle aged woman he was talking to. Jensen immediately relaxed. He seemed happy and Jensen could not help but smile back. There was no sign of last night's sadness and pain left in his eyes and that made Jensen smile even more.  When was the last time something that simple had felt that good?


He turned his head just in time to see Sandy walking into the lobby. A few fans had immediately recognized her and now they were engaging her in a conversation.


Oh, shit!


He remembered how, a few weeks back, Jared and Sandy had decided that they wanted to officially announce their engagement to the fans in that convention. Now that the whole thing was off, he wondered what Jared was going to say about his engagement to the fans. How was Jared going to deal with having Sandy in the convention? What was he going to do when he ran to her? Could he handle it? Would it break his heart all over again? At that point, all Jensen wanted to do was to wrap Jared in his arms and protect him for the whole world if he had to.


He had to talk to Jared. He had to make sure he was alright with this. He had to know Jensen had his back during that day. He had to know Jensen would gladly take the fans’ attention off of him, whenever he thought he could not deal with it anymore. He had to assure Jared that he was there and would do anything for him.


He was on his way toward where Jared was, still talking to that woman, when he heard Mike call their names.


"You guys ready to go?"


Jensen could never be ready enough for what happened when their names were called and they walked on that stage.



"…I got engaged in Paris. I am a very lucky man. "


His head shut up and his heart sunk down when he heard Jared speak those words. Was he going to hide the truth? Didn’t Jared know the truth would not stay buried like that, not forever? Why did he lie to the fans? Was that a…lie? It had to be, not with what happened the night before. It could not be. Jared was not like that. Jared would never be mean and cruel to him like that. He knew Jared too well. He knew Jared did not have a mean bone in his body. He would not use him like that. Then why did he suddenly feel small, scared, alone?

Then he told himself Jared was buying them some time to figure out what they were going to do. He figured it was just so people would not know what was going on with them. Jared just wanted to throw suspicion off of them until they get used to what had happened between them the night before and figure out where they were standing in their relationship. At least that was what he told himself. He knew deep in his heart that it was something else, but he could not let himself believe it. No, not after the night before. It just could not be.

So, he just stood there and along with the fans, he cheered for his friend for the engagement he knew was called off only the day before, or at least he hoped it was not true.

The day felt like the longest days of his life. They kept answering the questions, but neither his heart nor his mind was in it. He kept looking at Jared’s direction, trying to read his friend, looking for a sign, anything to let him into what was going on in Jared’s head. He had to force himself to stay focused and keep those thoughts at the back of his head.

As soon as he was done signing the show banners, Jensen walked out of the hall and into the lobby to catch Jared and Sandy standing at a corner, with Jared’s arm over Sandy’s shoulder and Sandy’s arm wrapped around his waist, talking to Jared’s publicist. He looked truly happy and it made Jensen sick to know Jared had to pretend and lie like that for the sake of their careers and the show. Jensen put his game face on before walking over to the happy couple.


“I’m sorry to interrupt, but can I steal the lover boy here for a minute?” he said to the small group jokingly, trying hard to keep the smile on his face as he glanced shortly at Sandy, “I need to have a word with him.”


Jared moved his eyes from the woman he had in his arms to his publicist and finally smiled at Jensen warmly. For a moment, Jensen thought everything was going to be okay. "Sure, man. I’ll see you later, baby!" He said to Sandy as he kissed her forehead and pulled away, “Let’s go upstairs. I’m exhausted.”


Since Jared’s publicist, along with a few others of the hotel residents, had decided to join them in the elevator, the whole trip to their room was silent.


"We need to talk Jared!" Jensen blurt out as soon as they walked into his room.


Jared smiled at him warmly as he moved toward the bed, sitting down. "Sure Jensen. What do you want to talk about?"


Jensen sat down next to him and put his hand on Jared’s knee. He felt Jared tense slightly.


"About us and what happened between us last night.”


A blank look passed before Jared’s eyes before he suddenly looked away, and Jensen knew immediately that Jared had put a wall up. Jensen wondered what Jared was hiding behind that wall.


"Us? What are you talking about?" Jared voice was steady, calm, and apathetic.


Suddenly the air was sucked out of the room and Jensen felt his stomach churn.


"But... we did ....you said... I love you."


"I do love you Jensen, you know that... But..." Jared seemed torn up about something. He looked like he was looking for the perfect thing to say and could not come up with anything. He looked back at Jensen and their eyes locked.


"But what Jared? You said you loved me. That’s what you said before you made love to me. Are you saying you lied to me? That you never loved me?" Jensen could not control his uneven breaths. He felt the panic that was beginning to take over his body and mind. He did not think he could take it anymore. Not when he had finally figured out his feelings for the other man. Not when he had finally had something good in his life again.


“Jensen, of course I love you... I’ll always love you. But..."


It was always the buts that got him.


You are good, but…
You deserve better, but…


Those buts were ruining his life, breaking his heart, tearing his world apart. Those buts were going to be the end of him one day.



“But what baby?” Jensen whispered softly, “What’s wrong? Talk to me. Last night, you,-“



“Last night shouldn’t have happened Jensen. It’s my fault it did. I’m sorry.”



“Don’t…don’t regret last night”, Jensen whispered, looking into Jared’s troubled eyes; “Don’t you do that. Don’t tell me you didn't like what we did last night, that you didn’t feel what happened between us.” Jared said nothing. Jensen ran his hand through Jared's hair.



“Tell me something. Was the whole ‘Sandy called the engagement off’ a lie too? Did you just want to get in my bed?”



“God, no!"



"Are you sure?"



"I'm telling you the truth, man. I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t believe me. I can’t blame you for not believing me after what I’ve done to you, but it is the truth, I swear. Last night, after we,-" Unable to finish his sentence, Jared's voice trembled.



"Made love?" Jensen finished the sentence for him and Jared just nodded, tears welling up in his eyes.



"Yeah. After that, you dozed off and I…I was still awake and I was watching you,"



"You're a freak," Jensen joked lightly and that brought a smile to Jared's face that didn't reach his eyes. Suddenly, they both felt somewhat at ease and comfortable with each other.



"Anyway, Sandy called. She seemed really upset. She was scared when I never returned to the room and then she could not find me anywhere. She was crying so hard, man. I couldn't stand it. She begged me to go see her. So I thought I would go talk to her and move my stuff here. She seemed confused and horrified. She told me that she had never seen the proposal coming, and it got her by surprise. She said the long distance relationship has been getting to her lately and she was feeling we were on different paths in our lives and wanted to talk to me after we were back from Paris, and then I had proposed and she had panicked."



Looking back at that day, Jensen knew he should have seen it coming. All the signs were right in front of his eyes the whole time, but he just could not see it. He was blind by his feelings and by the love he thought was there. Jared took a deep breath and Jensen nodded his head, a cue for Jared to go on.



"She couldn't stop crying, man. She said she was sorry, that I am all she has, and she would be lost without me and all that stuff and begged me to take her back, and I,-"



"- and you couldn't say no," Jensen said and Jared hung his head in shame.



"I'm so sorry, Jensen. I'm weak," Jared said softly, his voice full of pain, "I hate myself for that."



Jensen pulled Jared close and hugged him, causing the man in his arms to break down.



"I'm so sorry," Jared babbled over and over again.



"Shhh, Jared. It’s okay, buddy. You're gonna be OK," Jensen replied.



"No... I’m sorry. I do love you, I do," Jared said and heard Jensen chuckle.


 
"Yeah J., you do, just not like that."


"But, -"



"No buts. You love her. You've been with her for years, man. It’s always been her. You are meant to be with Sandy, bro. This is what you’ve always dreamed of, starting a family. You with Sandy, and me,-"



Jared stepped back from Jensen's arms to see tears in his eyes.



"Don't cry over me, Jensen. I don’t deserve that. "



Jensen just shook his head.



"Just love her, OK?"



"You know I will. I love her more than anything. I just want to thank you, for everything. I needed what we did to know that there are people in my life that love me no matter what. You did so much for me, more than you know Jensen. So I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you…anytime you need me, OK?"



Jensen nodded, trying desperately to stop the tears that still fell. Taking Jensen's face in his hands, Jared leaned forward and kissed him softly before walking to the door and closing it silently behind him.



As soon as Jared was out of the room, Jensen ran directly towards the bathroom. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet and leaned forward and emptied his stomach, tears falling freely from his eyes, his soul hurting more than anything. It made Jensen sick to realize how little he really meant to Jared. It made him sick how he was stupid and naïve enough to believe everything they had said and done the night before had actually really meant anything.


The pain. Oh, God, the pain was so unbearable, so suffocating. It had drained his soul. Jared had chosen her. Couldn’t he see she could never love him as much as Jensen? Couldn’t he feel the difference? He had given himself away completely. Hadn't Jared seen that? Felt that? Had he thought about Sandy the whole time they were together the night before? It was something he would never know.



Monday morning passed and Jensen did not hear from Jared, not once. No call, no text message. Nothing. He had his phone practically attached to his hand, just in case Jared called. A small part of him was crushed, because that part had believed that Jared would indeed come back, but most of him had expected this. Somewhere along the line, Jared had changed from Jensen's best friend into someone Jensen no longer knew. Even if what had happened between them that Sunday afternoon meant nothing to his best friend, the old Jared he knew would have at least called him. He knew he was probably expecting just a little bit too much from Jared at the moment but he could not help it.


Jared was gone. The pain in Jensen's heart was worse than anything he had ever experienced before, and he knew why. It was because of what had happened that night. Jared had not just come to him, looking for comfort and sex. No, he had come looking for love.
He knew that for the rest of his life, he would always have ‘what could have been’ to think about and know that for one night, one night he had complete happiness in my grasp.




Monday is a funny thing
Still waiting for the phone to ring
Will my imagination take it slow?
Oh yeah
After Saturday, my life is changed
In a moment, it was rearranged
Strange how easy it is, letting go
This sweet relief, unexpected things
This is the end of only the beginning
I miss your face, like the sun was in my eyes
(Like the afternoon)
Now I'm running blind
(Running blind)

******************************************



Sequel: Let's Be Us Again