Let's Be Us Again

[something_rare]

Title: Let's Be Us Again
Rating: R
Pairing: Jensen / Jared
Word Count: 3500+/-
Disclaimer: No hurt intended to the real guys. This is just fiction.
Summary: A ficlet based on Let's Be Us Again by LoneStar
Note: Sequel to "Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon".




Jensen looked up from his drink to look around the bar. It was a nice place, one of the places he and Jared started to go to a regular basis since the first nights Supernatural production had started in Vancouver. It was their spot, one of their many spots in Vancouver, and there he was, in the crowded bar yet all he felt was lonely and empty inside, and he had no one to blame for that, no one but himself.

He took his eyes away from the crowd and looked outside through the bar window, and there he was again, the man that had turned his life upside down, the man that he had in his embrace for just one night and failed to stop him from slipping right through his fingers. Jared; who he had not really talked to since that conversation in his hotel room, where Jared had broken his heart.

His heartbeat still sped up just a tiny bit at the sight of Jared standing right outside the bar, hand in hand with Sandy.

After that night in the hotel, they rarely acknowledged each other anymore, unless they absolutely had to. Now Sandy was everywhere Jared was. He had seen them together just the night before in Elixir. He had watched Jared with Sandy; He watched Jared having a real relationship, and how desperately he wanted to be in her place. Jared was so kind, gentle, smiling, and careful with her and Jensen would give anything to have it back, to feel anything again.

Everyone knew Jared and Sandy were together, they were talking about how Sandy made Jared happy, about what a cute couple they made, about how perfect they were for each other, but Jensen refused to accept that. Sandy could never be to Jared what Jensen used to be to him. He refused to accept Sandy had the ability to arise the deepest feelings buried deep in Jared’s core the way he had done that night. She could never be what Jensen once was to Jared. She could never drive Jared wild the way Jensen had done that night.
His love for Jared still lived in the back of his heart. He had not completely lost his hope although he knew that with everything had happened between them, it was less than likely his relationship with Jared would ever return to the way it was that night in his hotel room, or even before that night. His stubborn nature however was unwilling to let it go completely. They had drifted apart after that night, and a part of Jensen regretted that. Long before they had been lovers they had been best friends and that relationship had meant the world to Jensen. He missed the closeness they had once shared before everything had gotten too complicated, before they had fallen in love. They were best friends after all, but somewhere along the way, that line got blurred and they let their emotions rule their hearts.

Jensen kept his eyes on the couple as Jared bent down and his lips moved up closer to hers. He could swear that Jared had his eyes open for a moment and had seen him. He felt Jared’s eyes on him. No, it could not be. He nervously looked down at his glass and lazily played with the corner of the napkin next to his glass.

He never meant to fall in love with Jared. It was not something he planned, but everything seemed so logical in his head at the time. Jared had decided to walk away from it though, and after all those months, he still could not understand why. He convinced himself that Jared had done the right thing. Jared believed it was for the best. Jensen kept telling himself that, but it never dulled the pain. It never did. Nothing did. Ever.

He had to see Jared every day. He had to feel Jared’s touches all the time. He had to pretend nothing happened. And Jared did it, too. Sometimes he wondered if Jared even remembered that night. But if Jared could do it, Jensen could do it too.

He downed the rest of his drink in one gulp and left the bar.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So I guess this is goodbye?” Sandy whispered, pulling her lips away from his.

“I’m so sorry, Sandy,” said Jared staring into her brown eyes.

“Don’t be. It’s just the way you feel. You can’t help it.”

“I just…I want you to know that I loved you from the minute I laid my eyes on you. You were everything I ever wanted in a woman, a lover, and a friend. Things just changed between us.”

“I guess I will just never know what I did wrong to drive you into Jensen’s arms, eh?” Sandy said with a sad smile. Jared looked away and at the bar where he had spotted Jensen right before the kiss. He was gone. Jensen was gone, again.


God, I’m such an asshole!


“You did nothing wrong, baby! Nothing to drive me into Jensen’s bed. He was there when I needed someone to confide in, someone to love.  It’s not that I don’t love you… it’s just that I love him more.”

Tears glistened in Sandy’s deep brown eyes and the tiniest smile crossed her lips.

“Jensen is a lucky guy, Jared. To have you love him as much as you do. I know how he feels.”

“Not anymore. I didn’t have enough faith in the love between us to ruin what I knew I had with you. It took him walking out of my life for my eyes to open and see that I never wanted to be without him.”

Sandy took Jared’s hand in hers, squeezing it gently.

“Just be happy, promise me that.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do,” whispered Jared, “Do you want me to take you to the airport?”

“No. I’ll call a cab. Do you want me to drop you off home first?”

Home? That place was just a house. It had not been home, not for a while, not since Jensen moved out a little after their incident. It was empty, lonely and sad. Every little thing in the house reminded him of Jensen. No. Jared was not ready to go back to that. Not yet.

“No. I want to take walk,” Jared said as he pulled Sandy into his embrace, “Just call me when you land in LA, OK?”

Sandy nodded and quickly began to walk out of Jared’s arms and toward a cab.


Jared watched her walk away and out of his life. He knew he should have felt sad and lonely. But he did not. He had a strange feeling of absolute peace flowing through his body. He knew he had fucked things up. He had more than just fucked things up. He had broken Jensen. He could still hear the sobs mixed in with the sound of Jensen throwing up, all because he thought one more person did not love him, did not see him worth loving. It was time for his next move. He wanted Jensen. He knew he had hurt Jensen, but he was scared. He had never felt that way about someone before. That night in Jensen’s room, he had stayed awake and watched Jensen asleep. He had tried to figure out the moment his feeling for Jensen had changed. When did Jensen change from his best friend to a man that he wanted with his whole heart, soul and body? He had just laid there in bed with his lover and thought about what Jensen had done for him only a few hours back. Jensen was a great man. He was always ready to do anything in his power to be there for his friends. Jensen’s heart had been as big as anyone Jared had ever met. He was a man that Jared needed in his life and that was when it had hit him. He felt like he was willing to die for Jensen. That had scared him. Jensen had been his life. He had been his heart and soul, he still was. How could he do that to Jensen then?! How could he stay all that calm and say those awful things to Jensen?! How could Jensen stay supportive of him and his decision to marry Sandy after what he had done to him? How could he even bare to stay in one room with Jared? He did not deserve Jensen. He knew that. So here he was, finally alone with his feelings for Jensen. They would haunt him day and night because he knew Jensen will never want him back. He had had the perfect person in his life and he had simply let him go, just because he was scared.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell me what I have to do tonight
'Cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again

I'm sorry for the way I lost my head
I don't know why I said the things I said
Let's be us again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jared pulled into the drive and sat there for a while running through his thoughts. He had finally got enough courage to go to Jensen’s house. Now all he had to accomplish was making himself get out of the car and into the house. He only hoped that Jensen did not hate him. Rejection he could take, after everything he had done to Jensen, he could handle being rejected. He had broken Jensen’s heart, but he only hoped Jensen did not hate him. He needed Jensen to know he still loved him, that he was finally free of his obligations and his demons, that he needed Jensen back.

He finally got the nerve to leave the car.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here I stand
With everything to lose
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?” Jensen asked sarcastically as he opened the door. He looked as torn up as Jared felt. Tired, worn, sad. There were dark circles under his eyes; and his eyes, themselves, were dull and lifeless. Where were those sparkling green eyes? Jared hated that, knowing that he caused his pain. He only hoped Jensen would hear him out and take him back. He longed for Jensen to forgive him because Jared was hopelessly in love with him. Jensen was the air he breathed and Jared felt lifeless without him. Jared longed for his touch like he yearned to live. Jensen was all he needed to be happy. He did not like the look in Jensen’s eyes, not one bit. Suddenly, he was not sure what to say anymore. Just the sight of Jensen made his heart ache. He hated seeing Jensen in so much pain, knowing it was his fault was just too much.

“I told Sandy…about us. We broke it off today,” Jared answered flatly. Jensen just nodded his head and motioned Jared inside, obviously not believing Jared for a second. He had lied before. Why would Jensen think it was any different this time?

He closed the door and led Jared into his living room and sat on the couch in front of TV. Jared just sat in the chair across from him and studied his hands for the longest time.

“Why are you here Jared?” The moment of truth and Jared could not even talk. Suddenly, he could not take it anymore. He broke down and buried his head in his hands.

“I told you Jensen,” he said softly, “Sandy and I are over…for good.”

“This is low, Jared, even for you,” Jensen started, his voice cold and angry. Jared cocked his head to the side and opened his mouth to say something but Jensen silenced him. “I saw you two tonight, in the bar, our bar, our spot! How could you take her there, hm? I can't believe you’d try this scenario again and fake all these tears just so you could get me into bed again. Well you can forget it. Not this time,” he said, his voice dripping with fury and sarcasm.

“I knew that you wouldn’t believe me,” Jared said softly, looking down at the floor. “I can’t blame you after everything I’ve done to you, but it really is true Jensen. You can call Sandy if you don’t believe me.”

He dropped his head in his hands again as his voice began to shake. “All my fault,” he mumbled through fresh tears. “I put you through hell, all my fault,” he repeated sadly.

“Why did you come here?” Jensen asked again after a few moments of watching him cry. Jared looked up at him, his eyes shining with tears and smiled softly. “You’d never believe me,” he said sadly. “Never in a million years, another thing that’s all my fault.”

Jensen sat down in a chair across from Jared, not too close. “Try me Jared,” he said softly.

“Because I love you,” Jared managed to choke out.

“Shut up! Just shut the hell up Jared! Stop trying to feed me all these lies!” Jensen spat. He jumped off the chair and started pacing.

“See? I said you wouldn’t believe me,” Jared said with a sad smile.

“You’re damn right I don’t fucking believe you!” yelled Jensen.

“Please hear me out,” Jared begged.

“Why the fuck should I listen to you, you Jared of all people?” he demanded, “You’ve done nothing but use me. You came to me when you felt the need and pulled me into your arms, told me Sandy had called the engagement off and I fell for it. Then you said you are back together just because you could not tell her no and again, I believed it. Then you went on with your life and pretend that night never happened. Well, it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that I was dumb enough to believe you, to think that somehow when you came to see me that night was because you wanted more than just sex. Do you even remember what happened that night?” Jensen asked as he looked at him quizzically. Jared dropped his head in his hands to avoid the hurt look in Jensen’s eyes, “That’s what I thought. So don’t tell me you love me because you don’t!” Jensen yelled, “I don’t think you ever did,” he finished quietly, turning away and looking out the window. 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Look at me, I'm way past pride
Isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while
I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Jared knew he had a lot of explaining to do. He knew Jensen would probably not want him back, not after what he had just told Jared, but he had to try, he needed to tell Jensen.

“You’re wrong Jensen,” Jared whispered sadly, trying to stop his voice from quivering, “Jen, you don’t have to say anything. Just please listen to me. Please. Can you do that?”
When Jensen nodded, Jared started talking.

“I remember every little detail about that night,” he began softly, his voice somewhat lighter, remembering, “I remember how our bodies moved together in complete union. I remember how you didn’t leave a single inch of my body untouched; kissing and loving everywhere you could touch. I remember how you told me you were going to make me forget everything about Sandy and that you were going to love me entirely. I remember how you laid me on my back and stared down at me. I remember how you made sure that I truly wanted what was happening between us. I remember how we were all tangled up in each other, I remember how after…after we made love, you ran your hand through my hair and told me that you loved me, and then I said it back to you. We were so perfect together. You…you changed my life forever.”

“Then why did you leave me like that?”

“I was scared,” Jared started.

Jensen looked at him disgustedly for a moment.

“What do you mean you were scared?” he demanded. Jared felt anger flashing in Jensen’s eyes for a minute.

“I…I had never loved somebody as much as I loved you and it scared me. I was scared of totally depending on one person to make me happy, to make me whole. I laid there, holding you in my arms and it felt so right. I watched you asleep and then…I…I knew you were my soul mate, and it scared me. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I was afraid you might change your mind in the morning and leave me. I started thinking about how I had broken down that night and thought that maybe you had been with me because you felt bad for me and wanted to help. So I panicked. I couldn’t take the thought of you leaving me so I left you. I know you hate me for it now, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Then Sandy called and we…talked. I thought… I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought being engaged to her would help me distance myself from you. I loved her but my love for you was true, was real. My love for her was…forced. I was too weak to fight for you. I know I broke your heart. I didn’t mean to hurt you and now…I know how stupid my idea was. I love you so much.”

“You h-hurt me so bad Jared,” He heard Jensen sob, practically choking on his tears.

“I know,” Jared said softly, his voice full of pain, “and for that I can’t be sorry enough. I hate myself for what I did, even more so for the way I’ve been treating you for the past few months. I never stopped loving you. Believe me, I tried. But no matter what I did, my love for you wouldn’t go away.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here I stand
With everything to lose
And all I know is I don't want to ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reaching out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us

Baby baby what would I do
I can't imagine life without you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“I…I still love you too, you know,” Jensen said softly. Jared felt his eyes soften and water as he heard those words.

“Why?” He asked softly, “I don’t deserve it. I probably never did.”

Jensen shrugged and forced a small smile.

“Maybe, maybe not. But I do still love you. I just don’t like you very much right now. And I don’t trust you…at all.”

Jared looked up to see Jensen choking out from across the room. He saw the tears streaking down Jensen’s cheeks. He opened his arms and Jensen was in them immediately.

“I know I made the wrong decision that day. I know I made some stupid choices, and I know I hurt you badly. But I love you so much. It haunts me day and night that I’m not with you. I never wanted it to come to this. I never thought I could feel this way for another person. I would give my life to make sure you were happy and not hurting. I would do anything to make you happy. I would do everything in my power to make sure you never hurt again. I know I messed up before and I know what I did, there’s no easy way out. I want you back do bad. I’m so in love with you, I want to be with you. Jensen, you are my life, my heart, and my soul. If you give me another chance, I swear to you I will never do anything to hurt you again. I realize that it still may take you some time to trust me again, but I’ll work for that trust every day, and I’ll stay with you for as long as you’ll have me.”


Jared’s stomach knotted as he waited for Jensen’s answer.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh, here I am
I'm reaching out for you
So won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


“Forever,” Jensen whispered.

Jared smiled and wiped the tears away from his eyes. He pulled Jensen down next to him and on the couch, until they were both lying there, side by side.

“We're going to be ok,” Jensen said.

“Yeah we are; I love you so much.” Jared said kissing the top of Jensen’s head.

“I love you too Jared,” He laced their fingers together and held their hands against his chest. Jensen laid his head against Jared’s shoulder. Jared rested his head above Jensen’s. He had Jensen back, and it was the best feeling in the world.