Can't Let You Go - Chapter Twenty-Five
Aug. 12th, 2011 10:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Can't Let You Go - Chapter Twenty-Five
Rating: R
Pairings: Adam Lambert/Kris Allen
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. The characters and events portrayed are fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.
Beta:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
something_rare . Thanks for your patience and continuous support.
Summary: Nothing can beat true love, except...maybe another true love.
Chapter Twenty-Five
True to his word, Adam didn’t call Kris for the remainder of the two weeks that he was in New York. He desperately wanted to, but he refused to. If there was one thing he was, he was always consistent with what he said and always followed through. He’d make a good parent one day. He had all the perfect qualities for being the perfect father and raising the perfect child.
There was only one small problem though…he was not a father and Kris was not a child.
Reaching for the doorknob, he was surprised to find it unlocked. Pushing it open, he mumbled under his breath, “You need to stop trusting everyone, Kris and start locking the damn door.”
Slowly, he lifted up two of his bags and tossed them inside. Reaching for the bag, he lifted it up and tossed it inside and right on Kris’s foot, which he noticed after letting it go.
“What’re you doing home already?” Kris questioned, stepping back and bringing his left foot up. Rubbing his foot, he frowned. “Ouch…what’s so heavy in that bag of yours?”
“Nice to see you too,” Adam mumbled, grabbing his pillow. Stepping into the house, he kicked the door shut with his foot. “I was due home today,” he said curtly, dropping his remaining items to the floor. “Did you forget?”
“Must have,” Kris replied quietly, dropping his foot the ground. Slowly, he walked over to Adam and placed his arms around Adam’s waist, rising to his toes. He placed a kiss on Adam’s lips and smiled. “I’m glad you’re home.”
Adam made no attempt at returning the gesture of the kiss. As much as he wanted to, he didn’t. During the remainder of his trip, he had too much time on his hands at night. He made use of the time by doing the only thing a thirty-something-year-old man on the verge of losing his husband to his former husband would do…
He called his mother.
Leila’s words of wisdom rung through his mind, “Give him time to adjust and heal. By forcing him to make a decision to choose, you’ll be pushing him into the arms of Brian. You need to trust Kris and let him do what he needs to do. He loves you, Adam, you know that, but he needs to work through this on his own. Don’t ask him questions about it. Maybe what you need to do, honey, is just keep your distance for now and let things play out on their own. Things always have a way of working themselves out. You should know that better than anyone.”
“I’m glad too,” he said, guarded. Pulling out of Kris’s embrace, he walked past him and straight into the kitchen. “Any important calls while I was gone?”
Kris walked into the kitchen at a snail’s pace, causing Adam to turn around and wait for him to make his entrance. And when he did, the sight of actually seeing Kris, really seeing him for the first time since he’d walked in, almost made him cry.
Kris looked beautiful, as always, but there was something different about him. It didn’t have anything to do with the way he was dressed though, because he was simply wearing a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt, something Adam’d seen on him before. It didn’t have anything to do with his hair either. But there was something different.
Adam’s eyes traveled down and back up the length of Kris until his eyes made their way to Kris’s eyes. No longer did they look happy or content, the way they had. No longer were they easy to read, like they always had been. Instead, there were dark circles and bags, a glossy film sheathing the once brown brilliance of them.
Kris looked physically exhausted.
“Nope,” Kris stated clearly. “Not one single phone call for you while you were gone. Evidently, everyone has your cell number.”
“Unfortunately, you’re probably right.”
“So how did the rest of your meetings go?”
Adam opened the door to the fridge and crouched down to look through the contents. Grabbing a bottled water, he stood back up and shut the door, turning to his husband. “Fine.”
Kris offered him a weak smile. “That’s good.” Walking over to the kitchen table, he sat down. “Did you finish recording?”
Adam took another swig of water before placing it down on the counter and leaning over. “Yes.”
Kris looked over at him. “Now what’s the next step?”
Adam was having a hard time concentrating on Kris’s questions. He was too caught up in Kris’s outward appearance. Kris didn’t look well at all. “I don’t know yet, Kris…when I know, I’ll let you know.”
Jumping up from his chair, Kris pushed it in to the table. “Excuse me for asking, Adam. You’ll have to forgive me, but I don’t know how this business of yours works.” Turning around, he ground his fists into his hips. “This is my first time at being married to a musician.”
Where the hell did that just come from? The tone of Kris’s voice caused Adam to rethink his mother’s advice. Of course, his mother’s advice didn’t really include for him to blow Kris off per se. Nor did her advice entail being snippy towards his husband, but being snippy was exactly what he wanted to do. “I know,” he said quietly, walking towards Kris. “I’m sorry but I’m just a little on edge right now. This happens every time I’m recording an album.”
“Does everyone in your band get this way?” Kris asked, holding his head up high. “Or are you the only one?”
“Honestly?” Adam questioned, stifling his laughter at Kris’s stance. “You’d have to ask them, but…” Adam trailed, nodding his head. “I’m pretty sure I get a lot more uptight then they do.”
“Well, it’s not becoming on you at all,” Kris said bravely, refusing to be intimidated by Adam’s intense stare.
“It probably would’ve helped if you were with me during these last few weeks,” Adam confessed, pulling out a chair and taking a seat. “You could’ve taken my mind off it by just being there.”
Kris turned around and placed his hands on the top of the chair, sighing. “We’re not going to rehash this again, are we?”
“Only if you want to.”
Adam’s eyes never left Kris’s during their three-minute silent standoff. Adam focused on Kris’s eyes intently, trying to read into them and see what he was thinking and feeling. At one time, he was able to do that. Sadly, he couldn’t do that at all now. Instead, all he saw was how tired Kris looked.
“I really don’t want to,” Kris finally added as an afterthought. “I need to get going.”
“Do I even want to ask?”
Kris shrugged. “Ask if you want to. I’m not gonna lie about where I’m going.”
Adam didn’t need to ask. He already knew the answer. He shrugged, his lips pursed together tightly. “Nope, don’t think I really want to do that. Are you going to be home for dinner?”
Kris brought his arm up to his face and looked at his watch. “I should be. The sessions only last for two hours. It’s two o’clock now so I should be home around six.”
Sessions? More than one? He did his best to act unnerved, but wasn’t sure if it worked or not. “Are you seeing a therapist now too?”
Kris started to walk away but stopped without turning around. “I thought you didn’t want to ask.”
Adam sighed, closing his eyes. “Changed my mind.”
“I’m not seeing a therapist myself if that’s what you mean. Although, the thought has crossed my mind on occasion.”
Adam’s eyes flew open. “Then what’s stopping you? Maybe seeing someone and being able to talk about the way you feel would help.”
Slowly, Kris turned around. “If I don’t leave now, I’ll be late.”
Adam waved his hand towards the door. “Wouldn’t want to keep Brian waiting now, would we?” Standing up, he made his way to the fridge again for a beer. Water just wasn’t cutting it. “Give him my best.”
________________________________________
Adam looked at the clock above the fireplace again, frowning when he’d realized that it had barely moved since the last time he’d looked. It was nearing nine o’clock and there wasn’t any sign of his husband. “Listen, Katy,” he said into the phone. “I should probably let you go. I don’t want Kris walking in and asking me who I’m talking to.”
“Then lie,” Katy said firmly. “Just tell Kris that it’s one of your friends or something.”
“Lying isn’t going to help the situation,” he scolded. “That’ll only cause more problems.”
“Listen, Adam, you and I both know that Kris loves you. And despite what’s going on right now, he knows that too.” She took in a deep breath and sighed. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He might be trying to tell himself something different right now, but he never looked at Brian that way. Even when they were first married he didn’t look as happy as he did when you came over to him and asked him to dance on that first night in the nightclub back in Cozumel.”
Adam smiled, remembering back.
“I’m dead serious too,” she continued. “That’s when I knew that he was going to finally get on with his life - just by the way he looked at you. He loved you then, after only just meeting you and he loves you now…don’t forget that.”
“I’m trying not to,” Adam responded with sadness. “But it’s getting increasingly more difficult as the days go by.”
Katy sighed, moaning quietly. “Don’t give up on him yet.”
Adam heard the front door start to open and quickly jumped up from the couch. Holding the phone close to his mouth, he covered it with his hand to whisper. “Listen…I gotta go…he’s home.”
“Remember what I said.”
Throwing the phone down on the couch, he made his way over to the TV and acted like he was just turning it on. Walking back to the couch, his head glanced towards the front door when he heard it close. “Oh…I didn’t even hear you.”
Kris smiled, dropping his bag to the floor. “I’m gonna head to bed, I’m exhausted.”
Adam stopped dead in his tracks and lurched his head forward. “Already?” He pointed to the kitchen. “I thought maybe you’d be hungry so I kept the oven on.”
Kris stopped and wrinkled his nose. “What’d you make?”
Adam’s eyebrows rose. “Salisbury Steak dinner.”
Wrinkling his nose even tighter, Kris cocked his head to the side. “The frozen kind?”
Adam nodded.
“No thanks,” Kris replied, turning on his heels. “I ate those practically every night you were gone.”
Give him time to adjust and heal. “No problem,” Adam replied casually, remembering back to what his mother said. He sat down on the couch, refusing to look at Kris. Flipping through the channels one by one, he sensed that Kris hadn’t left the room. Turning his head slightly, he noticed his husband still standing there in the foyer…with tears running down his cheeks.
Adam resisted the urge to jump up and go to Kris. That wasn’t what Kris needed. More than anything, what Kris probably needed was to just cry it out. Maybe crying it out would help lead to figuring it out. Adam shifted his body on the couch so that he was turned more towards Kris. Trying his best to smile, he pointed to the empty spot next to him on the couch. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“I’m n-not s-supposed to,” Kris cried out hysterically.
Adam’s body tensed. “Says who?”
“B-Brian and the therapist.”
Adam’s mind was trying to take in the complexity of the situation; trying to grasp what was happening. Before responding to anything though, he silently thought it out. He didn’t want to say anything that Kris would construe as negative, even though it was negative. “If you want to talk about it, I wouldn’t worry about what Brian or the therapist says. They don’t have to know, it’ll just be between us.”
Kris leaned back against the wall, dropping his head towards the floor. Both hands immediately rose to his face, rubbing and then eventually covering his eyes. “I’m s-so confused. I don’t know what to say anymore or w-what to do. S-someone always ends up mad.”
“I’m not mad,” Adam stated firmly, rising to his feet. Placing both hands in his pockets, he stood next to the couch facing Kris, refusing to step closer until he knew that was what Kris wanted. “Do you know how hard it is to see the one you love hurting so much? Because it is…I can tell how bad this is tearing you up and more than anything, I want to be able to help you. But I can’t…you need to do this on your own.”
With his hands still covering his eyes, Kris started crying even harder. “I wish you could just m-make this all g-go away. I want to go back to the w-way we were.”
It was killing Adam to stand still. He wanted to go to Kris and sweep him up, carry him into the bedroom and make love to him. Maybe loving Kris would make the hurt go away. Maybe loving Kris would make his hurt go away. One thing that was for sure, standing still was definitely not making anything go away. “We can’t…things will never be the way they were.” And how true those words were. “I want that more than anything to but it isn’t possible and you know that.”
Slowly, Kris uncovered his eyes and raised his head. “He makes me feel s-so guilty.”
Adam’s hand shot up to his forehead, sliding its way down to his eyes, pinching them together. Hearing it come from Kris’s lips just confirmed what he had always suspected. He didn’t actually know what was going on behind closed doors, but he speculated. And obviously, his speculations were dead on. “Guilty because you got on with your life?”
“Yes,” Kris said quietly, nodding.
Instantly, Adam’s head started to pound. What he wanted to say and what he was going to actually say would have to be two different things. He was going to try his best to refrain from saying negative things. “Please don’t let him do that to you,” he said slowly and quietly. “You shouldn’t feel guilty because you finally let yourself love again.”
Kris’s head turned slightly towards the fireplace, staring off into the empty space in front of him. “I’ve been going with him to group therapy sessions three times a week and tonight, I decided that maybe I should be seeing someone too.” Kris’s eyes darted back to Adam. “That’s why I was so late. I stayed after and had some one-on-one with the therapist. I’m going to do that every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.” Nodding, he shrugged. “That’s when the group therapy sessions are.”
“Maybe seeing the group therapist for you, personally, isn’t a wise move,” Adam stated carefully. “If you want, I could get the names of some really good therapists in the area. I would feel more comfortable with you seeing someone else.”
Kris shrugged. “Whatever…until you get that set up though, I’m gonna continue seeing this guy, if you wouldn’t mind.”
Adam didn’t like it. Not one bit. “That’s fine.”
Kris crossed his arms and rubbed his hands along his shoulders, resting his lips against the top of his hand. “I really just want you to hold me right now,” he whimpered, staring towards the bedroom door down the hall.
That was the sign Adam was looking for and not to worry, he read it loud and clear. Taking the necessary steps forward to reach Kris, he smiled. Holding Kris ranked right up there with making love. At this point, it may have been even higher; it was hard to say since Adam hadn’t had the opportunity to do either one for a while.
“I really want you to make love to me tonight too,” Kris whispered, looking towards Adam. “But I don’t want to feel guilty about it after.”
When Adam finally reached Kris, he stood there for a moment and searched his husband’s eyes. The hurt, the confusion, the uncertainty of everything was clearly evident. Bending down, he swooped Kris up in one single movement. Kris’s arms flew around Adam’s neck while he buried his face in Adam’s neck.
“You don’t need to feel guilty about being with your husband, Kris,” Adam said quietly. “If anything, maybe it’ll help the hurt go away for a little while.”
Slowly, he carried Kris into the bedroom where he placed him down on the bed, then laid down beside him. He took his hand and ran it along Kris’s cheek. “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”
Kris’s eyes opened. “I love you, you know that, right?” Closing his eyes again, he lowered his voice even more, “God…please tell me you know that.”
Adam stared at Kris, running his thumb along the outline of the dark circles underneath his eyes. “Yes, I know you love me and I know you love Brian too. I know that your love isn’t the same for both of us and I respect that.”
Kris’s eyes flew open.
“And I’m afraid of what this is going to do to you…being pulled in different directions. Just remember something.” Adam leaned over and brought his mouth to Kris’s ear. “I love you more than anything and I will always be here for you. Do you understand that?”
He waited until Kris nodded before he continued. “And no matter what happens, I will always be here for you.”
With every intention of taking it slow, Adam placed a warm, tender kiss on Kris’s lips. It was only a second before Kris’s mouth tenderly opened for him, allowing his tongue to probe deeper….
Rating: R
Pairings: Adam Lambert/Kris Allen
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. The characters and events portrayed are fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.
Beta:
something_rare . Thanks for your patience and continuous support.Summary: Nothing can beat true love, except...maybe another true love.
Chapter Twenty-Five
True to his word, Adam didn’t call Kris for the remainder of the two weeks that he was in New York. He desperately wanted to, but he refused to. If there was one thing he was, he was always consistent with what he said and always followed through. He’d make a good parent one day. He had all the perfect qualities for being the perfect father and raising the perfect child.
There was only one small problem though…he was not a father and Kris was not a child.
Reaching for the doorknob, he was surprised to find it unlocked. Pushing it open, he mumbled under his breath, “You need to stop trusting everyone, Kris and start locking the damn door.”
Slowly, he lifted up two of his bags and tossed them inside. Reaching for the bag, he lifted it up and tossed it inside and right on Kris’s foot, which he noticed after letting it go.
“What’re you doing home already?” Kris questioned, stepping back and bringing his left foot up. Rubbing his foot, he frowned. “Ouch…what’s so heavy in that bag of yours?”
“Nice to see you too,” Adam mumbled, grabbing his pillow. Stepping into the house, he kicked the door shut with his foot. “I was due home today,” he said curtly, dropping his remaining items to the floor. “Did you forget?”
“Must have,” Kris replied quietly, dropping his foot the ground. Slowly, he walked over to Adam and placed his arms around Adam’s waist, rising to his toes. He placed a kiss on Adam’s lips and smiled. “I’m glad you’re home.”
Adam made no attempt at returning the gesture of the kiss. As much as he wanted to, he didn’t. During the remainder of his trip, he had too much time on his hands at night. He made use of the time by doing the only thing a thirty-something-year-old man on the verge of losing his husband to his former husband would do…
He called his mother.
Leila’s words of wisdom rung through his mind, “Give him time to adjust and heal. By forcing him to make a decision to choose, you’ll be pushing him into the arms of Brian. You need to trust Kris and let him do what he needs to do. He loves you, Adam, you know that, but he needs to work through this on his own. Don’t ask him questions about it. Maybe what you need to do, honey, is just keep your distance for now and let things play out on their own. Things always have a way of working themselves out. You should know that better than anyone.”
“I’m glad too,” he said, guarded. Pulling out of Kris’s embrace, he walked past him and straight into the kitchen. “Any important calls while I was gone?”
Kris walked into the kitchen at a snail’s pace, causing Adam to turn around and wait for him to make his entrance. And when he did, the sight of actually seeing Kris, really seeing him for the first time since he’d walked in, almost made him cry.
Kris looked beautiful, as always, but there was something different about him. It didn’t have anything to do with the way he was dressed though, because he was simply wearing a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt, something Adam’d seen on him before. It didn’t have anything to do with his hair either. But there was something different.
Adam’s eyes traveled down and back up the length of Kris until his eyes made their way to Kris’s eyes. No longer did they look happy or content, the way they had. No longer were they easy to read, like they always had been. Instead, there were dark circles and bags, a glossy film sheathing the once brown brilliance of them.
Kris looked physically exhausted.
“Nope,” Kris stated clearly. “Not one single phone call for you while you were gone. Evidently, everyone has your cell number.”
“Unfortunately, you’re probably right.”
“So how did the rest of your meetings go?”
Adam opened the door to the fridge and crouched down to look through the contents. Grabbing a bottled water, he stood back up and shut the door, turning to his husband. “Fine.”
Kris offered him a weak smile. “That’s good.” Walking over to the kitchen table, he sat down. “Did you finish recording?”
Adam took another swig of water before placing it down on the counter and leaning over. “Yes.”
Kris looked over at him. “Now what’s the next step?”
Adam was having a hard time concentrating on Kris’s questions. He was too caught up in Kris’s outward appearance. Kris didn’t look well at all. “I don’t know yet, Kris…when I know, I’ll let you know.”
Jumping up from his chair, Kris pushed it in to the table. “Excuse me for asking, Adam. You’ll have to forgive me, but I don’t know how this business of yours works.” Turning around, he ground his fists into his hips. “This is my first time at being married to a musician.”
Where the hell did that just come from? The tone of Kris’s voice caused Adam to rethink his mother’s advice. Of course, his mother’s advice didn’t really include for him to blow Kris off per se. Nor did her advice entail being snippy towards his husband, but being snippy was exactly what he wanted to do. “I know,” he said quietly, walking towards Kris. “I’m sorry but I’m just a little on edge right now. This happens every time I’m recording an album.”
“Does everyone in your band get this way?” Kris asked, holding his head up high. “Or are you the only one?”
“Honestly?” Adam questioned, stifling his laughter at Kris’s stance. “You’d have to ask them, but…” Adam trailed, nodding his head. “I’m pretty sure I get a lot more uptight then they do.”
“Well, it’s not becoming on you at all,” Kris said bravely, refusing to be intimidated by Adam’s intense stare.
“It probably would’ve helped if you were with me during these last few weeks,” Adam confessed, pulling out a chair and taking a seat. “You could’ve taken my mind off it by just being there.”
Kris turned around and placed his hands on the top of the chair, sighing. “We’re not going to rehash this again, are we?”
“Only if you want to.”
Adam’s eyes never left Kris’s during their three-minute silent standoff. Adam focused on Kris’s eyes intently, trying to read into them and see what he was thinking and feeling. At one time, he was able to do that. Sadly, he couldn’t do that at all now. Instead, all he saw was how tired Kris looked.
“I really don’t want to,” Kris finally added as an afterthought. “I need to get going.”
“Do I even want to ask?”
Kris shrugged. “Ask if you want to. I’m not gonna lie about where I’m going.”
Adam didn’t need to ask. He already knew the answer. He shrugged, his lips pursed together tightly. “Nope, don’t think I really want to do that. Are you going to be home for dinner?”
Kris brought his arm up to his face and looked at his watch. “I should be. The sessions only last for two hours. It’s two o’clock now so I should be home around six.”
Sessions? More than one? He did his best to act unnerved, but wasn’t sure if it worked or not. “Are you seeing a therapist now too?”
Kris started to walk away but stopped without turning around. “I thought you didn’t want to ask.”
Adam sighed, closing his eyes. “Changed my mind.”
“I’m not seeing a therapist myself if that’s what you mean. Although, the thought has crossed my mind on occasion.”
Adam’s eyes flew open. “Then what’s stopping you? Maybe seeing someone and being able to talk about the way you feel would help.”
Slowly, Kris turned around. “If I don’t leave now, I’ll be late.”
Adam waved his hand towards the door. “Wouldn’t want to keep Brian waiting now, would we?” Standing up, he made his way to the fridge again for a beer. Water just wasn’t cutting it. “Give him my best.”
________________________________________
Adam looked at the clock above the fireplace again, frowning when he’d realized that it had barely moved since the last time he’d looked. It was nearing nine o’clock and there wasn’t any sign of his husband. “Listen, Katy,” he said into the phone. “I should probably let you go. I don’t want Kris walking in and asking me who I’m talking to.”
“Then lie,” Katy said firmly. “Just tell Kris that it’s one of your friends or something.”
“Lying isn’t going to help the situation,” he scolded. “That’ll only cause more problems.”
“Listen, Adam, you and I both know that Kris loves you. And despite what’s going on right now, he knows that too.” She took in a deep breath and sighed. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He might be trying to tell himself something different right now, but he never looked at Brian that way. Even when they were first married he didn’t look as happy as he did when you came over to him and asked him to dance on that first night in the nightclub back in Cozumel.”
Adam smiled, remembering back.
“I’m dead serious too,” she continued. “That’s when I knew that he was going to finally get on with his life - just by the way he looked at you. He loved you then, after only just meeting you and he loves you now…don’t forget that.”
“I’m trying not to,” Adam responded with sadness. “But it’s getting increasingly more difficult as the days go by.”
Katy sighed, moaning quietly. “Don’t give up on him yet.”
Adam heard the front door start to open and quickly jumped up from the couch. Holding the phone close to his mouth, he covered it with his hand to whisper. “Listen…I gotta go…he’s home.”
“Remember what I said.”
Throwing the phone down on the couch, he made his way over to the TV and acted like he was just turning it on. Walking back to the couch, his head glanced towards the front door when he heard it close. “Oh…I didn’t even hear you.”
Kris smiled, dropping his bag to the floor. “I’m gonna head to bed, I’m exhausted.”
Adam stopped dead in his tracks and lurched his head forward. “Already?” He pointed to the kitchen. “I thought maybe you’d be hungry so I kept the oven on.”
Kris stopped and wrinkled his nose. “What’d you make?”
Adam’s eyebrows rose. “Salisbury Steak dinner.”
Wrinkling his nose even tighter, Kris cocked his head to the side. “The frozen kind?”
Adam nodded.
“No thanks,” Kris replied, turning on his heels. “I ate those practically every night you were gone.”
Give him time to adjust and heal. “No problem,” Adam replied casually, remembering back to what his mother said. He sat down on the couch, refusing to look at Kris. Flipping through the channels one by one, he sensed that Kris hadn’t left the room. Turning his head slightly, he noticed his husband still standing there in the foyer…with tears running down his cheeks.
Adam resisted the urge to jump up and go to Kris. That wasn’t what Kris needed. More than anything, what Kris probably needed was to just cry it out. Maybe crying it out would help lead to figuring it out. Adam shifted his body on the couch so that he was turned more towards Kris. Trying his best to smile, he pointed to the empty spot next to him on the couch. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”
“I’m n-not s-supposed to,” Kris cried out hysterically.
Adam’s body tensed. “Says who?”
“B-Brian and the therapist.”
Adam’s mind was trying to take in the complexity of the situation; trying to grasp what was happening. Before responding to anything though, he silently thought it out. He didn’t want to say anything that Kris would construe as negative, even though it was negative. “If you want to talk about it, I wouldn’t worry about what Brian or the therapist says. They don’t have to know, it’ll just be between us.”
Kris leaned back against the wall, dropping his head towards the floor. Both hands immediately rose to his face, rubbing and then eventually covering his eyes. “I’m s-so confused. I don’t know what to say anymore or w-what to do. S-someone always ends up mad.”
“I’m not mad,” Adam stated firmly, rising to his feet. Placing both hands in his pockets, he stood next to the couch facing Kris, refusing to step closer until he knew that was what Kris wanted. “Do you know how hard it is to see the one you love hurting so much? Because it is…I can tell how bad this is tearing you up and more than anything, I want to be able to help you. But I can’t…you need to do this on your own.”
With his hands still covering his eyes, Kris started crying even harder. “I wish you could just m-make this all g-go away. I want to go back to the w-way we were.”
It was killing Adam to stand still. He wanted to go to Kris and sweep him up, carry him into the bedroom and make love to him. Maybe loving Kris would make the hurt go away. Maybe loving Kris would make his hurt go away. One thing that was for sure, standing still was definitely not making anything go away. “We can’t…things will never be the way they were.” And how true those words were. “I want that more than anything to but it isn’t possible and you know that.”
Slowly, Kris uncovered his eyes and raised his head. “He makes me feel s-so guilty.”
Adam’s hand shot up to his forehead, sliding its way down to his eyes, pinching them together. Hearing it come from Kris’s lips just confirmed what he had always suspected. He didn’t actually know what was going on behind closed doors, but he speculated. And obviously, his speculations were dead on. “Guilty because you got on with your life?”
“Yes,” Kris said quietly, nodding.
Instantly, Adam’s head started to pound. What he wanted to say and what he was going to actually say would have to be two different things. He was going to try his best to refrain from saying negative things. “Please don’t let him do that to you,” he said slowly and quietly. “You shouldn’t feel guilty because you finally let yourself love again.”
Kris’s head turned slightly towards the fireplace, staring off into the empty space in front of him. “I’ve been going with him to group therapy sessions three times a week and tonight, I decided that maybe I should be seeing someone too.” Kris’s eyes darted back to Adam. “That’s why I was so late. I stayed after and had some one-on-one with the therapist. I’m going to do that every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.” Nodding, he shrugged. “That’s when the group therapy sessions are.”
“Maybe seeing the group therapist for you, personally, isn’t a wise move,” Adam stated carefully. “If you want, I could get the names of some really good therapists in the area. I would feel more comfortable with you seeing someone else.”
Kris shrugged. “Whatever…until you get that set up though, I’m gonna continue seeing this guy, if you wouldn’t mind.”
Adam didn’t like it. Not one bit. “That’s fine.”
Kris crossed his arms and rubbed his hands along his shoulders, resting his lips against the top of his hand. “I really just want you to hold me right now,” he whimpered, staring towards the bedroom door down the hall.
That was the sign Adam was looking for and not to worry, he read it loud and clear. Taking the necessary steps forward to reach Kris, he smiled. Holding Kris ranked right up there with making love. At this point, it may have been even higher; it was hard to say since Adam hadn’t had the opportunity to do either one for a while.
“I really want you to make love to me tonight too,” Kris whispered, looking towards Adam. “But I don’t want to feel guilty about it after.”
When Adam finally reached Kris, he stood there for a moment and searched his husband’s eyes. The hurt, the confusion, the uncertainty of everything was clearly evident. Bending down, he swooped Kris up in one single movement. Kris’s arms flew around Adam’s neck while he buried his face in Adam’s neck.
“You don’t need to feel guilty about being with your husband, Kris,” Adam said quietly. “If anything, maybe it’ll help the hurt go away for a little while.”
Slowly, he carried Kris into the bedroom where he placed him down on the bed, then laid down beside him. He took his hand and ran it along Kris’s cheek. “You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”
Kris’s eyes opened. “I love you, you know that, right?” Closing his eyes again, he lowered his voice even more, “God…please tell me you know that.”
Adam stared at Kris, running his thumb along the outline of the dark circles underneath his eyes. “Yes, I know you love me and I know you love Brian too. I know that your love isn’t the same for both of us and I respect that.”
Kris’s eyes flew open.
“And I’m afraid of what this is going to do to you…being pulled in different directions. Just remember something.” Adam leaned over and brought his mouth to Kris’s ear. “I love you more than anything and I will always be here for you. Do you understand that?”
He waited until Kris nodded before he continued. “And no matter what happens, I will always be here for you.”
With every intention of taking it slow, Adam placed a warm, tender kiss on Kris’s lips. It was only a second before Kris’s mouth tenderly opened for him, allowing his tongue to probe deeper….
