Can't Let You Go - Chapter Twenty-Six
Aug. 14th, 2011 07:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Can't Let You Go - Chapter Twenty-Six
Rating: R
Pairings: Adam Lambert/Kris Allen
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. The characters and events portrayed are fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.
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something_rare . Thanks for your patience and continuous support.
Summary: Nothing can beat true love, except...maybe another true love.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Crawling out of bed at a snail’s pace, Adam made sure Kris was sound asleep by calling out his name a few times. He wanted to make sure that Kris didn't wake up while he was in the middle of trying to sneak out of the house.
Making his way into the kitchen, he shuffled through the junk drawers in search of his spare car keys. There was no way he was going to head back into the bedroom to retrieve the set from his pocket. No way in hell. That’d be too risky.
By the time he was on the third drawer, he was frantic and somewhat perturbed at how the junk drawers had grown from one to three since Kris moved in. “Why is it that you think even important things belong in the junk drawer, boy?” he mumbled with a smile.
Pulling on a folder that was stuck towards the back of the drawer, he swore repeatedly until the folder was free. “No wonder we have so many junk drawers now…throw shit that isn’t important anymore away.” Opening the folder in his hands, he stopped almost as quickly as he started.
It was the adoption papers they had filled out a while back. Kris was supposed to deliver them to the office.
Retaining his cool until he was sure of what he saw, Adam put the folder on the countertop and started reading. Once he was sure of what was in front of him, Adam flew off the handle and pulled the entire drawer completely out before slamming it down on the countertop.
His frustration mounted as the seconds ticked by. They had agreed to start a family. But by the looks of the folder he was staring at, his husband had changed his mind.
Without telling him.
“Damnit,” he mumbled, turning the drawer over and letting the contents spill out onto the countertop. Finally locating the spare keys, he grabbed them and made his way to the garage.
________________________________________
The twelve-minute drive to Daniel’s passed quickly, thanks to the radio blaring through the speakers. Heavy metal music did wonders for putting the mind at ease. Or did it? Without haste, he pulled into the driveway and slammed the car into park.
Adam slammed the door so hard that the car shook from side to side. To say he was mad was putting it mildly. He was pissed beyond belief and he was pretty sure that the heavy metal music didn’t ease anything, if anything it made him tenser.
In five long strides, he made it to the front door where he immediately began to pound. He continued to pound non-stop, harder and harder, until Daniel threw the door open.
“Jesus, Adam.”
“Where is he?” he demanded, pushing his way past Daniel. “Where the hell is Brian?”
“Calm down, man,” Daniel replied, closing the front door. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to talk to Brian.” When he noticed that his brother-in-law made no attempt to point him in the right direction, Adam lunged his head forward. “NOW!”
Daniel stepped back. “He’s staying at his parents’ house. Why? Is something wrong with my brother?”
Adam shook his head in disgust. “Oh…you mean besides the fact that Brian returned from the dead? No…absolutely nothing.” Turning to leave, he stopped. “Where’s his parents’ house?”
Daniel took a second before answering, looking Adam over carefully. “You got a gun or something?”
He let out a frustrated laugh. “I’m pissed, not stupid.”
“You sure?”
“Where’s the house, Daniel?” Adam questioned, walking towards him. “I don’t have all night.”
Daniel shrugged. “No clue. They moved a couple of years ago and…”
Adam pushed past him and threw open the door. “Thanks for the help.” Running to the car, he stopped before opening the door in order to catch his breath. His heart was pounding so fast that he was sure he’d have a heart attack if he didn’t calm down.
He shook his head. A gun? A fuckin’ gun? Do I look like a murderer?
He stepped up and into the car, immediately grabbing his cell phone and hitting speed dial. “Katy…hi…it’s Adam.”
“Adam?” She cleared her throat. “Is something wrong with Kris?”
He sighed, flipping his head back to get the hair out of his face. “I don’t have time to run through the list. Can you tell me how to get to Bill and Julianne’s house?”
“Why?”
“I need to talk to their son,” Adam stated dryly.
There was a long pause, followed by a loud groan. “Do you think that’s such a good idea? It’s almost midnight.”
“Probably not,” he moaned, glancing at the clock. “But I don’t care.”
Katy sighed loudly into the phone. “Okay, take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on.”
Adam pounded the steering wheel; his frustration was getting the best of him and if he didn’t watch it, Katy would be at the receiving end of it. “Just tell me how to get to where I need to go.”
“All right, hang on and let me grab my address book,” she replied hesitantly. “I still think you’re making a mistake though.”
He rolled his eyes and blew out a breath. “I’ll note that in my memoirs,” he shot back sarcastically, pulling out the driveway.
She huffed into the phone, “I’m sure you will, smart ass. Hang on.”
Adam took out his map and plopped it on the seat. He didn’t care how far he had to drive; he was going there come hell or high water. He was going to put a stop to this guilt trip Brian was laying on Kris. He had too.
He hadn’t realized to what extent this guilt trip went until just a few hours prior, when he attempted to make love to his husband. At first, Kris was okay with everything but the closer that they had actually gotten to making love, the more unsure of everything Kris became until he just completely shut down and burst into tears.
It was gut-wrenching for Adam to lie there and listen as his husband sobbed about how guilty he felt about everything and the longer Adam lay in bed, the more upset he became.
“Well, you’re in luck,” Katy returned to the phone.
“Why’s that?”
“It’s only about a thirty-minute drive from where you are now.”
Adam let out a little groan. “I’m not at home.”
“Well, where are you then?”
“Daniel’s.”
“Okay,” she quipped. “Then it’s a forty-five minute drive. What in hell are you doing at Daniel’s anyway?”
He sighed, gripping the steering wheel tighter. He was going to blow. He could feel it. “Looking for Brian.”
“Is Kris with you?”
“Don’t you think that if my husband was with me I’d just ask him for directions?”
Katy growled like a dog ready to attack. “You better watch it, buddy. Rock star or not, I’ll hang up on your ass.”
Hearing the tone in her voice, Adam smiled. “Sorry,” he said quietly, releasing his grip on the steering wheel. She was right. “No, Kris is not with me. He’s at home, hopefully still asleep and in lala land. He’s depressed and feels guilty because he feels like he’s letting Brian down if he even so much as kisses me and now I’m gonna go and set his sorry ass straight.”
It was silent for a few moments and Adam started to wonder if she was even on the other end of the line. “Hey, you there?”
“What you just said doesn’t make me feel any better by giving you his whereabouts.”
“Well,” Adam trailed, laughing. “It’ll make me feel better…now spill it.”
Again, there was silence.
“Come on, Katy,” he whined. “Please.”
“Does Kris even know what you’re up to? Because if he doesn’t, he’s gonna be pissed when he finds out.”
“He isn’t going to find out,” he stated firmly. At least, he’d better not or there’d be hell to pay and Adam knew it.
“Yeah…why don’t I believe that? Adam what’s going on?”
He pulled over to the side of the road and rolled down his window for fresh air. “Honestly, it’s hard to say because Kris won’t talk about it. But tonight he told me that Brian makes him feel guilty because he moved on with his life and while I don’t really want to go into details or anything…tonight, while we were snuggling together in bed, he totally shut down and just started crying.”
“I knew it!” she exclaimed. “I just knew he was pulling that shit on Kris. He’s got guilt written all over that pretty face of his.”
Adam leaned his head on the steering wheel, fighting the urge to scream. “Have you seen him lately?”
“Not since the hospital, why?”
“He looks like hell,” Adam groaned, rubbing his eyes. “And don’t tell him I said that…but seriously, he looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown or something.”
“Shit,” Katy mumbled. “Have you talked to him about seeing someone yet?”
“Yeah,” he replied, sitting up straight. “He’s actually started to see the group therapist on a personal level, I guess, but I’m not comfortable with that.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I’m gonna check into finding someone else for him. He needs to have someone who has an unbiased opinion of the whole thing.” He took a deep breath and looked out the window. “And quite frankly, this group therapist in my opinion, is gonna see things Brian’s way, no matter what.”
“Listen, Adam, I’ll give you the address…but, you have to promise to control yourself when you get here. What Kris definitely doesn’t need is to bail his hubby out of jail in the morning for assault.”
He smiled. “Promise.”
“And I’ll see what I can do about maybe taking Kris out to lunch tomorrow.”
“Thanks Katy.”
“Adam?”
“Yeah.”
Katy blew out a long breath. “I know we’ve talked about this before but you’ve got to be strong and hang in there for Kris. You are the one he loves, there’s no question in my mind about that. You can’t give up fighting.”
Adam knew what she was saying was true, but at the same time, he also knew that he couldn’t and wouldn’t fight a losing battle. “I’m not going to stop fighting for us, but if and when the time comes that I’m the only one fighting…”
“Don’t even say it,” Katy interrupted. “That’s not going to happen.”
“I really hope it doesn’t,” he stated, closing his eyes. “Because I don’t know what I would do without him…he’s everything to me.”
“You’re going to make me cry,” she bellyached. “Stop it.”
Adam managed a little laugh through his own tears. “I already am crying, because I don’t have as much faith as you do about where this is headed.”
Katy gave him the address, pleading with him not to take things too far. “I’m g-gonna hang up now…be good and call me if you end up in jail, not Kris.”
“Go back to bed, thanks.”
________________________________________
The first thing Adam noticed was the lack of street lights. Not a single streetlight was present down the broken-up road, not even so much as a porch light was visible.
Darkness filled the already dark and gloomy night and it gave him an even eerier feeling than he already had.
He drove slow, straining his eyes to read the numbers on the mailboxes. He knew he was getting close when he checked the address. When his cell phone rang, he nearly jumped out of his skin. “Shit, Katy,” he mumbled while reaching for the phone. “Yeah?”
“Adam? Where are you?”
Adam’s heart sank upon hearing the sound of his husband’s voice.
“Adam?” Kris repeated in a desperate voice.
He cleared his throat trying to remain calm. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“Fine,” he replied, not believing a single word. “What’re you doing up?”
Adam heard him sigh loudly and cringed. Kris wasn’t supposed to wake up. That wasn’t in his plan. “I couldn’t sleep. Why didn’t you wake me up before you left? I didn’t know where you were.”
Adam pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. “I’m sorry…I thought you could use the sleep.” When he heard Kris blow his nose, his heart sank even further. “Are you crying?”
“Yeah,” Kris barely mumbled between blows. “I was scared when I couldn’t find you.”
Adam rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I know you didn’t. I’m just a little emotional.”
Moving his hand away from his eyes, Adam looked out the window and settled on the mailbox a few feet from him. Bingo!
“Where are you?”
Adam swallowed hard in a desperate attempt to mask the lie he was about to spit out.
“Adam?”
“Yeah, yeah…I’m shopping.”
“Shopping?” Kris exclaimed. “Now? At this hour?”
Crap… “I woke up hungry and the fridge was pretty scarce so I ran out to get a few things.”
“God, honey,” Kris moaned. “You couldn’t wait until morning?”
Adam hated lying, but there was no other choice except to come clean and face the wrath and that really wasn’t a choice at this point. “It’s easier for me to shop during the middle of the night,” he said quietly. “Better chance of going unrecognized.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll be home shortly, go back to sleep.”
“Since when do you mind being recognized?”
Adam blew out a long breath. Did Kris know he was lying? It sure sounded like it. “Sometimes it’s just nice to be able to go to the store and not have everyone critiquing my every move or worse yet, critiquing every item I put into the cart, you know?”
He heard Kris yawn. “I guess.”
“Go back to bed, Kris,” he pleaded for more than one reason. “You sound exhausted.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“I’m here now so I’m going to let you go.” There, now that really wasn’t a lie. He was where he’d set out to go. It just wasn’t the grocery store.
“Okay…could you pick up some more string cheese while you’re there? I just ate the last one.”
Adam smiled and then quickly frowned when he realized that he’d have to actually stop at the grocery store. Just what he didn’t want to do. “Sure, no problem.”
“Drive safe.”
“Always…good night.”
Adam quickly flipped the phone close and put his car in drive, turning down the poorly lit driveway. Once he was assured that he wasn’t going to hit anything that might’ve been in the path, he turned off his lights and continued towards the garage.
From what he could tell, the house was nothing out of the ordinary. Just a regular two-storey home, buried deep inside a nicely wooded yard. Not too big and not too small. It was just right…the perfect home.
Perfect.
Trying not to let his thoughts get the better of him, he placed the car in park and jumped out. This was not about the perfect home. This was about Brian trying to destroy his perfect home.
He walked up the path leading to the front door and quickly noticed from where he stood, that there weren’t any lights on in the house.
Was he doing the right thing?
It may have not been the right thing, but it was the only thing he could think of to make things right. This was about Kris and his health, his sanity and their marriage. He had to do this.
Taking the step onto the porch, he stood completely still for a moment to catch his breath and gather his thoughts. At least he was calmer than he had been when he reached Daniel’s place. That had to be a good thing.
He stepped up to the door and raised his hand to knock when he noticed the doorbell off to his left.
Knock or ring?
Ring or knock?
Completing his first reaction, he brought his fist down on the steel door and knocked. If that didn’t work then he’d ring the doorbell. He knocked again when he didn’t receive any response. This time, it was much louder. He wanted to try and avoid the doorbell at all costs.
When the porch light popped on, his heart sped up. There was no backing out now.
Slowly, the front door creaked open and a confused face peered around the corner. Evidently, the confusion didn’t last long because quickly after that, the front door swung open. “I was wondering how long it was going to take you to finally pay me a visit.”
Adam’s first reaction was to flip him off. Luckily, he went with his second reaction, a smart-ass retaliation. “Guess you can stop straining the brain by wondering, Brian…I’m here.”
“And it’s late,” Brian mumbled, stepping around the door to stand directly in front of him. “You could’ve at least had the decency out of respect for my elderly parents to come at a decent hour.”
Adam’s gaze didn’t falter. “Your parents aren’t that old, Brian.” He pointed towards the wooden bench on the porch. “If you’re that worried about it, we can handle this outside.”
Brian’s eyes increasingly became smaller as the seconds ticked by. “Give me a minute to put some pants on.”
“By all means.” Adam took a seat on the bench and waited. And waited. And waited.
He waited for nearly ten minutes and with each additional minute that ticked by, the more frustrated he became. When Brian finally stepped outside, he jumped to his feet in anger. If this man wanted to play games by stalling, he’d better watch out. Playing games was something every celebrity was good at, including him.
“Boy, you’re awfully jumpy there, Adam. Is something bothering you?”
Adam turned around slowly to face Brian. He did his best to maintain his composure, but he was already aware of his seams coming unglued. “You need to back off Kris,” he said, through a clenched jaw. “He feels like he’s under a lot of pressure and with the guilt trip you’re laying on him, it’s only making matters worse.”
Brian stood there defiantly, not moving a muscle. “And he’s told you this?”
“To a certain extent, yes.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“And why the hell not?”
Brian stood his ground, still not moving. “Because that doesn’t sound like something Kris would say.”
“You don’t even know him anymore, Brian,” Adam spat, running a hand through his hair. “He’s not the same person he was three years ago.”
“And how the hell do you know that, Adam? You have nothing to compare it to. You didn’t even know him then.” Brian’s hands flew up in the air. “Hell, you didn’t even know him one year ago.”
Adam wasn’t about to let his words rattle him, no matter how true they were. “People change, Brian. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.”
Brian’s hands flew to his hips. “I’m not laying any type of guilt trip on him. If he’s feeling guilty, Adam, then something’s obviously eating at him.”
“Just back off and let him work this out on his own.” Adam held back his urge to yell. It was what he really wanted to do, but knew that it would only cause more problems. “There’s no reason why he needs to go with you to your therapy sessions. You’re the one who needs help.”
“He’s the one who insisted on coming with me. I’m not forcing him to go.” Brian ran a hand over his hair and blew out a breath. “Obviously, he wants to be there or else he wouldn’t be.”
“You’re so full of shit.” Adam shook his head in disbelief. “He told me you asked him to go to those therapy sessions with him. He’s my husband, in case you haven’t noticed and, despite what you may or may not want to believe, we do talk.”
Brian’s stance straightened. “He was my husband first, buddy.”
“Fuck,” Adam huffed, turning his back. “You don’t get it, do you?” Taking a deep breath, he flew back around. “This isn’t about who had him first. It’s not a contest. It’s about him as a human being and what’s happening to him. If we’re not careful, we’ll both lose him.”
Brian’s lips turned up in a slow smile.
Adam’s face dropped. “Don’t even fucking say that’s what you want to happen.”
Brian shrugged. “At least you won’t have him.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me? I thought you cared about him.”
“I do care about him, but if I can’t have him, I don’t want you having him either.”
Adam’s jaw tightened. “You don’t even know me.”
“I know enough to know that what he doesn’t need is a barbaric husband who cares more himself and his career than him.”
Adam’s body jerked, immediately becoming tense. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Ah, come on, Adam,” Brian chirped, smiling. “You know damn well that’s the truth. You didn’t care about his job and how he struggled through four years of college so that he could be where he is now.” He shook his head and frowned. “If you cared, you never would’ve let him quit his job.”
“It was his choice, Brian,” Adam replied neutrally.
“But you didn’t stop him, did you?”
“How do you know whether or not I didn’t try and stop him?” Adam barked back. “You weren’t even there.”
Brian’s lips turned up. “He told me how much it killed him to leave his job but that he felt he had no choice, since you’re always traveling.”
Adam’s mind was reeling. What the hell was happening here and why wasn’t he the one that Kris told?
“Look, Adam,” Brian quipped, pacing the porch. “I don’t care who you are, how much money you make or how you make it. The bottom line is Kris. I didn’t ask to be a POW for the last couple of years of my life, okay? And I sure as hell didn’t want to put Kris through what he’s been through for the past three years either, but we didn’t have a choice.” He took a few steps towards Adam and stopped. “All I know is that up until six months ago, my husband was still pining away for me. He never even looked at another man until you came along and if it hadn’t been for you, he’d be in my arms right now and in my bed loving me.” He pointed his finger towards himself, stabbing it in his chest. “You and I both know it and it scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”
The words rang through Adam’s head over and over again, wondering whether or not what Brian said was true. Deciding not to let it get to him, he simply glared back at him. “Do you even realize how fast we fell for each other? From what Kris’s told me, it happened even faster for us than it did for you two, Brian, and that, my friend…scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”
Brian laughed. “I thought you said it wasn’t a competition, Adam.”
He lowered his voice and heaved, “It’s not.”
“Sure sounds like you’re making it out to be one.”
When Adam heard the front door swing open, his eyes narrowed. Julianne stuck her head out the door. “What’s going on out here?”
“Nothing,” Adam replied, walking past Brian and down off the porch. “I was just leaving.”
“Competition or not, Adam,” Brian said, turning towards the door. “You’ll lose.”
Adam stopped and turned around. “Mark my words, Brian…you’ll end up destroying Kris in the process.”
________________________________________
Pulling into the driveway, Adam glanced at the clock. It was almost three in the morning. It took him longer than he expected, the stop at the grocery store adding to it. He made his way into the garage and out of the car quickly, making sure to grab his two grocery bags.
Slowly and quietly, he made his way into the house and towards the kitchen without turning on any lights. The less noise he made the better. The less conspicuous he made himself, the better. If he were lucky, he’d be able to sneak back into bed without Kris even knowing what time he ventured home.
With careful precision, he took baby steps into the kitchen, making sure the sound of his footsteps couldn’t be heard.
After only a few steps however, he heard a distinct sound coming from somewhere within earshot. Adam stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes trying desperately to find the source. But it was useless. It was too dark.
He took another step, and then froze again when he could finally decipher the sound he was hearing. Sobs. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. It didn’t matter how inconspicuous he was, Kris was up and more than likely, waiting for him. “He called you, didn’t he?”
Slowly, a dark figure rose from hiding on the other side of the kitchen counter. “You lied to me.”
Adam swallowed down the lump in his throat, hearing Kris’s tone. When his eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, he noticed Kris clutching his cell phone near his chest. “I made a little detour.”
“Bullshit, Adam!” Kris yelled, throwing the phone down on the counter. “The only detour you made was the one to the grocery store and that was only because you were forced to.”
He stood completely still for a moment, still shocked over what was happening. He never thought Brian would actually call Kris. He set his bags down on the counter and walked over to the light switch on the wall.
“Don’t.”
Adam stopped his hand mid air and sighed. “I got you your string cheese.”
“I don’t give a shit about the damn cheese.”
Adam knew Kris was mad, not only by his tone but by his choice of words as well. He rarely ever swore. And when he did, it was only when he was upset. “I needed to have a talk with him.”
“Why?” Kris asked loudly. “So you could threaten him?”
Adam swung around towards him. “What’re you talking about?” he asked, shaking his head in confusion. “I didn’t threaten him.”
“That’s not what he said.”
“Well,” he responded, shaking his head again. “He’s lying.”
“You lied!”
“Whatever,” he mumbled, walking back to the bags. No point in starting a battle he was sure to lose. Deciding it was best just to ignore the situation, he opened the fridge and grabbed one of the bags off the counter. Slowly he started to pull the items out one by one, placing them in the fridge.
“Aren’t you even going to explain yourself?”
Adam finished putting the items away before shutting the fridge and making his way over to where Kris stood. “Would it help? Because I’m thinking that you’re not going to believe what I say anyway.”
Kris lashed out and hit Adam on the arm, hard.
“You can go off and hit me if you want, honey, but it’s not going to help what’s going on here, is it?”
“Why the hell did you go over there? You had no business!”
Adam reached out and ran his hand along Kris’s cheek, which he quickly pushed away. “That’s where you and Brian are both wrong. This is my business. You’re my business and what’s happening to you is my business. What’s happening to us is my fucking business!”
Kris’s mouth dropped open before he covered his face with his hands and turned around. “This has nothing to do with us!”
Adam jerked around, throwing his hands up in the air. “Would you please stop saying that? This has EVERYTHING to do with us. EVERYTHING!”
When Kris didn’t respond, Adam simply stared him down. It did have everything to do with them. Couldn’t he see that? “Why didn’t you tell me that you changed your mind about having a baby?”
It was hard to see the reaction on Kris’s face, but by the gasp and the way Kris lunged his head forward, Adam knew it wasn’t good. “Why are you going through my stuff? Checking up on me?”
Kris’s words hit him hard.
“Huh, Adam? Are you?”
Adam stood completely still, willing himself not to overreact. It wasn’t easy though, because Kris’s tone was condescending and his stance matched his tone. Closing his eyes briefly, Adam caught his breath and then walked back into the kitchen. “The folder wasn’t in your ‘stuff’. It was in one of our many junk drawers,” he said, pointing to them all. Taking another moment to catch his breath, he sighed. “And you should know me better than that. I would never go through your ‘stuff’ in order to check up on you. And furthermore, are you trying to tell me that I should be checking up on you?”
“And you should know me better than that,” Kris retaliated, like Adam knew he would.
“I thought I did know you better than that, Kris, but now I’m not so sure.”
Kris stepped around the counter, venturing into the kitchen as well. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Adam leaned back against the fridge and folded his arms in front of him. “Why didn’t you tell me that you really didn’t want to quit your job? You didn’t have to quit, you know. We would’ve found a way to work it out without you quitting.”
Kris sighed, but didn’t answer him.
“And why didn’t you tell me that you had changed your mind about the baby?” he continued, eyeing Kris carefully. “Don’t you think I had a right to know that?”
Slowly, Kris brought his hands up, covering his face again. “I haven’t done anything about it yet. I still haven’t made up my mind on what to do.”
“And what?” Adam questioned, blowing a breath out his nose in an act of disgust. “I don’t have a say in it?”
Kris’s hands flew down to his sides. “Do you really think that this is a good time to try and have a baby? Because I don’t. Not now.”
“Don’t you see what Brian’s doing to us?” Adam questioned, walking towards Kris. “Slowly and surely, he’s driving a wedge between us.” He lifted his hands and cupped Kris’s face so that he was forced to look Adam in the eye. “I’m not about to give up on us yet, Kris. But I can’t be the only one fighting for us either.” He leaned in and kissed Kris’s forehead before looking him squarely in the eyes again. “Remember that.”
________________________________________
After the fourth day of Kris’s self-imposed seclusion, Adam couldn’t take it any longer. There was only so much cleaning, reading, sleeping, and writing that he could take. He knew now, after four long days, that he should’ve gone for the in-ground pool Patrick kept badgering him to get. At least he could’ve spent his idle time swimming.
If he didn’t find something to do and fast, he was going to go crazy. His husband wouldn’t be the only one in seclusion. He’d be in a similar type setting, only it wouldn’t be at home and it wouldn’t be self-imposed, it’d be in an asylum.
Thankfully, Kris did allow him to sleep in their bedroom and in their bed, as lonely as it may have been. Regardless of the fact that Kris was next to him, the king-size mattress wasn’t very giving and Kris may as well have been in a different room as far as Adam was concerned.
Despite the secluded atmosphere, however, on occasion Kris did come out for food. String cheese, crackers and water. Not exactly what one would call a meal, or a healthy one at that, but at least he was eating, as little as it may have actually been. He also did come out two more times other than for food; he came out to attend his therapy sessions with Brian.
Another sore spot with Adam, but one he wasn’t about to embark on with things the way they were around the house.
For the first time in many years, Adam actually found himself champing at the bit for something to do. At this point, he would welcome just about anything. Even his own recording studio didn’t hold much interest for him, but day in and day out, he forced himself to sit down and try to write for the next album.
Of course, due to the state of depression he was in, every word he wrote was about being lonely and not wanting to go on. Not really pop album material, but it kept him somewhat busy.
Hearing a ruckus coming from the master bedroom, Adam walked towards the room at a snail’s pace. He knocked only once. “Kris?” When he didn’t respond, Adam turned the doorknob slowly, surprised that it wasn’t locked. “Honey?”
“I’m in the bathroom.”
He sat down on the bed and quickly noticed Kris’s suitcase on the bed. It was full and ready to go.
Where?
When Kris made his way out of the bathroom, Adam noticed that Kris was dressed. A big improvement considering he hadn’t showered in the four days that’d passed, let alone change his clothes.
“Going somewhere?” Adam questioned, nodding towards the suitcase.
Kris stopped and glanced over at the object in question. “I thought I had mentioned that Katy asked me to babysit while she and Cale went on this couples’ retreat.”
“Couples’ retreat?”
“Yeah,” Kris mumbled, gently running his hands down the sides of his pants. “Their minister suggested it. It’s only for the weekend.”
Adam’s head swung around, his heart aching at hearing the words. “Doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Maybe we could do something like that.”
Kris shook his head and walked towards the bed. “Her oldest two children are going to her in-law’s house but she’s asked me to stay with Cassidy since her in-laws’ isn’t baby-proofed.”
With Kris standing so close, Adam took the opportunity to eye him carefully. It didn’t matter that he was finally dressed, or that his hair was combed, Kris still looked depressed and shaken. Thin and fragile. Dazed and confused. “Why don’t you just bring Cassidy here and watch her? I’d love the diversion,” he replied, looking at Kris’s face. Even the make-up didn’t hide what was really going on. It couldn’t. Nothing was going to help.
Kris zipped the suitcase up and grabbed it off the bed, making his way to the door. “I thought maybe we could use the space.”
Dropping it to the floor, he turned around. “Besides, this place is hardly what I would call baby-proofed.”
“It wouldn’t take long to place the breakables up on the shelves, Kris,” he retaliated.
Lifting his head to face Adam, Kris took a deep breath. “Listen…the therapist said that giving us some space might help with what’s been going on around here.”
Adam closed his eyes and blew out a breath. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.” He opened his eyes and leaned back on his arms, forcing himself not to think about Kris’s wayward appearance. “I’ve gotten the name of a really good therapist from a friend and I checked into it and she’d be more than willing to take you on as a patient.”
Kris shrugged. “I don’t feel like rehashing everything again with someone new. This one is pretty good and he already knows everything.”
Adam’s eyes remained focused on Kris. “He’s Brian’s therapist.”
Kris shook his head and shrugged again.
“I don’t like the idea of you talking to someone who is also talking to the same person you’re talking about,” Adam said calmly. “Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea. How do you know this guy isn’t relaying info to Brian?”
“God, Adam,” Kris heaved, turning to pace the floors. “He’s a professional!”
Adam rubbed his face with his hands with such force that he was sure he was giving himself new wrinkles in the process. He was having a hard time remaining calm as it was and hearing Kris defend this therapist of his, wasn’t helping. “Fine, I’m not going to argue with you about it.”
“Good.”
“So…this space your so-called therapist is recommending?” he questioned, standing to his feet. “Is it just with me? Or does he think you need to give yourself some space with Brian as well?”
Kris stopped dead in his tracks and dropped his head.
“Never mind,” Adam replied, walking over to him. “I already know the answer.” When he reached Kris, he stood behind his husband and snaked his arms around his waist. “You don’t need space from your husband, Kris, you should know that. What you need is space from Brian.”
Kris turned around and glared at Adam through the tears in his eyes. “So, now you’re not only a rock star but also a certified shrink too?”
Kris’s words cut deep. Deeper than he probably would ever know and deeper than Adam would ever let on. Dropping his hands from Kris’s waist, Adam stood up tall. “Do you want me to move out?”
Kris’s facial expression changed drastically. “No, not at all.”
“Then how do you suppose that you’re going to get this space that your therapist thinks you need?”
Adam noticed Kris swallow. Then, he noticed Kris blink back the tears that were threatening to pour out. “Um…I thought that by leaving this weekend, it would give us the space he thinks we need.”
“And what happens when you return home after this weekend?” Adam asked, not letting up. “Is one weekend going to be enough time to put space between us, because I’m thinking that he probably wouldn’t agree.”
“I don’t know, Adam,” Kris barked, turning around. “He thinks that I need to move out, okay? But I don’t want to do that.”
Adam gripped Kris’s shoulders and forced him to turn around and face him. “I thought you said that this doesn’t have anything to do with us, Kris. Do you remember saying that?” Adam took in a deep breath. “If this doesn’t have anything to do with our relationship then why the hell would your therapist suggest that you move out?”
“Adam,” Kris squeaked out.
“Answer me, damn it! What the hell is going on with you?” Adam let go of his shoulders and tried to get control of his emotions. “Do you or don’t you want to be married to me anymore?”
“Yes,” Kris answered weakly. “I love you, you know that.”
“I don’t know anything anymore, Kris and just by you saying those three words doesn’t really make it any clearer.” Adam took a few steps and stopped, lifting his gaze to Kris. “I’m just as confused as you are here. One minute I think I understand what’s going on and then bam……..five seconds later, I’m at a loss again.”
“I’m sorry,” Kris whispered. “I’m not doing this on purpose.”
Adam’s gaze dropped down. Staring at his feet, he closed his eyes in an attempt to relax. He was on the verge of tears. “I realize that you’re confused but I’m not sure what you’re confused over. If you love me like you say you do, then what is the confusion all about?” Lifting his head slowly, he looked at Kris. “If this is about guilt, then what chance do I even have? I’m not going to stay married to someone who is forever going to feel guilty about loving me. That’s not what marriage is all about.”
Kris simply stared back at Adam, tears spilling down his cheeks.
“You need to let him go, honey. If we stand any chance at making this marriage work,” he paused, inhaling deeply to catch his breath, “You need to get over this guilt and let Brian worry about himself. He’ll get over this and move on. He won’t have a choice.”
“You don’t understand,” Kris quipped quietly.
“You’re right,” Adam shot back loudly. “I don’t understand.” Adam walked over to the bed and plopped down, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t understand how you can say one thing but do another. Do you remember what you said to me that one night we were in bed together…right before Brian resurfaced?”
Kris wiped away the tears off his cheeks and whispered, “Please…don’t.”
“Well, I do,” Adam stated, ignoring Kris’s plea. “I remember the way you ran your hand over my face and told me that what you and Brian had couldn’t even compare to what we had.” He took a deep breath and gripped his chest. His heart felt like it was breaking in two and more than anything, he wanted to stop that from happening. He needed to stop it. “I remember how you told me that I was your soul mate…not Brian…but me, Adam. And I remember how you told me that you thought about what your life would’ve been like had Brian not died and how you never would’ve met me.”
“I remember,” Kris quietly stated.
“You also said that you weren’t happy about the fact that he’d died but that if he wouldn’t have died, you never would’ve known that this type of love existed.” Adam swallowed hard to stop the tears from flowing. “Our love.”
Kris’s head shot up. “But he’s not dead, Adam.”
“But that shouldn’t change anything, Kris,” he said, standing to his feet. “Don’t you see that? Just because he’s alive shouldn’t change the way you feel. I’m your soul mate,” Adam whispered, reaching Kris and cupping his face with his hands. “Not Brian…you need to let go of this guilt.”
“That’s what I’m t-trying to do,” Kris gasped, closing his eyes. “You can’t possibly understand what I’m g-going through Adam because you’ve n-never been through it.”
Adam wiped away the tears with his thumb, his own tears now falling freely as well. For the first time, he was finally letting himself succumb to what was actually happening around him. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Make me understand then. I need to understand.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” Kris whispered, shaking his head slightly. “You’ve never had to let someone you love go…so you wouldn’t understand…and with Brian, it’s the s-second time around.”
Stepping back and dropping his hands, he eyed Kris carefully. He was losing Kris. It was something he knew all along, but not something that was easy to comprehend, let alone admit. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, taking the moment to wipe his face of the tears. “Do I even have a chance here?”
Kris’s eyes were clouded over with tears. “I should probably go.”
Adam looked down at Kris’s bag and stepped towards it. Reaching it, Adam bent down and picked it up, handing it to him. “Yeah…you probably should.”
“I love you, Adam,” Kris replied, taking the bag. “More than anything, I love you, and I’m sorry I’m h-hurting you.”
Adam stopped and turned to look at Kris, managing a little smile, knowing deep down that there was nothing in his life worth smiling over at this point. “I know…I’m sorry too.”
Rating: R
Pairings: Adam Lambert/Kris Allen
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. The characters and events portrayed are fictitious, and any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.
Beta:
something_rare . Thanks for your patience and continuous support.Summary: Nothing can beat true love, except...maybe another true love.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Crawling out of bed at a snail’s pace, Adam made sure Kris was sound asleep by calling out his name a few times. He wanted to make sure that Kris didn't wake up while he was in the middle of trying to sneak out of the house.
Making his way into the kitchen, he shuffled through the junk drawers in search of his spare car keys. There was no way he was going to head back into the bedroom to retrieve the set from his pocket. No way in hell. That’d be too risky.
By the time he was on the third drawer, he was frantic and somewhat perturbed at how the junk drawers had grown from one to three since Kris moved in. “Why is it that you think even important things belong in the junk drawer, boy?” he mumbled with a smile.
Pulling on a folder that was stuck towards the back of the drawer, he swore repeatedly until the folder was free. “No wonder we have so many junk drawers now…throw shit that isn’t important anymore away.” Opening the folder in his hands, he stopped almost as quickly as he started.
It was the adoption papers they had filled out a while back. Kris was supposed to deliver them to the office.
Retaining his cool until he was sure of what he saw, Adam put the folder on the countertop and started reading. Once he was sure of what was in front of him, Adam flew off the handle and pulled the entire drawer completely out before slamming it down on the countertop.
His frustration mounted as the seconds ticked by. They had agreed to start a family. But by the looks of the folder he was staring at, his husband had changed his mind.
Without telling him.
“Damnit,” he mumbled, turning the drawer over and letting the contents spill out onto the countertop. Finally locating the spare keys, he grabbed them and made his way to the garage.
________________________________________
The twelve-minute drive to Daniel’s passed quickly, thanks to the radio blaring through the speakers. Heavy metal music did wonders for putting the mind at ease. Or did it? Without haste, he pulled into the driveway and slammed the car into park.
Adam slammed the door so hard that the car shook from side to side. To say he was mad was putting it mildly. He was pissed beyond belief and he was pretty sure that the heavy metal music didn’t ease anything, if anything it made him tenser.
In five long strides, he made it to the front door where he immediately began to pound. He continued to pound non-stop, harder and harder, until Daniel threw the door open.
“Jesus, Adam.”
“Where is he?” he demanded, pushing his way past Daniel. “Where the hell is Brian?”
“Calm down, man,” Daniel replied, closing the front door. “What’s wrong?”
“I need to talk to Brian.” When he noticed that his brother-in-law made no attempt to point him in the right direction, Adam lunged his head forward. “NOW!”
Daniel stepped back. “He’s staying at his parents’ house. Why? Is something wrong with my brother?”
Adam shook his head in disgust. “Oh…you mean besides the fact that Brian returned from the dead? No…absolutely nothing.” Turning to leave, he stopped. “Where’s his parents’ house?”
Daniel took a second before answering, looking Adam over carefully. “You got a gun or something?”
He let out a frustrated laugh. “I’m pissed, not stupid.”
“You sure?”
“Where’s the house, Daniel?” Adam questioned, walking towards him. “I don’t have all night.”
Daniel shrugged. “No clue. They moved a couple of years ago and…”
Adam pushed past him and threw open the door. “Thanks for the help.” Running to the car, he stopped before opening the door in order to catch his breath. His heart was pounding so fast that he was sure he’d have a heart attack if he didn’t calm down.
He shook his head. A gun? A fuckin’ gun? Do I look like a murderer?
He stepped up and into the car, immediately grabbing his cell phone and hitting speed dial. “Katy…hi…it’s Adam.”
“Adam?” She cleared her throat. “Is something wrong with Kris?”
He sighed, flipping his head back to get the hair out of his face. “I don’t have time to run through the list. Can you tell me how to get to Bill and Julianne’s house?”
“Why?”
“I need to talk to their son,” Adam stated dryly.
There was a long pause, followed by a loud groan. “Do you think that’s such a good idea? It’s almost midnight.”
“Probably not,” he moaned, glancing at the clock. “But I don’t care.”
Katy sighed loudly into the phone. “Okay, take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on.”
Adam pounded the steering wheel; his frustration was getting the best of him and if he didn’t watch it, Katy would be at the receiving end of it. “Just tell me how to get to where I need to go.”
“All right, hang on and let me grab my address book,” she replied hesitantly. “I still think you’re making a mistake though.”
He rolled his eyes and blew out a breath. “I’ll note that in my memoirs,” he shot back sarcastically, pulling out the driveway.
She huffed into the phone, “I’m sure you will, smart ass. Hang on.”
Adam took out his map and plopped it on the seat. He didn’t care how far he had to drive; he was going there come hell or high water. He was going to put a stop to this guilt trip Brian was laying on Kris. He had too.
He hadn’t realized to what extent this guilt trip went until just a few hours prior, when he attempted to make love to his husband. At first, Kris was okay with everything but the closer that they had actually gotten to making love, the more unsure of everything Kris became until he just completely shut down and burst into tears.
It was gut-wrenching for Adam to lie there and listen as his husband sobbed about how guilty he felt about everything and the longer Adam lay in bed, the more upset he became.
“Well, you’re in luck,” Katy returned to the phone.
“Why’s that?”
“It’s only about a thirty-minute drive from where you are now.”
Adam let out a little groan. “I’m not at home.”
“Well, where are you then?”
“Daniel’s.”
“Okay,” she quipped. “Then it’s a forty-five minute drive. What in hell are you doing at Daniel’s anyway?”
He sighed, gripping the steering wheel tighter. He was going to blow. He could feel it. “Looking for Brian.”
“Is Kris with you?”
“Don’t you think that if my husband was with me I’d just ask him for directions?”
Katy growled like a dog ready to attack. “You better watch it, buddy. Rock star or not, I’ll hang up on your ass.”
Hearing the tone in her voice, Adam smiled. “Sorry,” he said quietly, releasing his grip on the steering wheel. She was right. “No, Kris is not with me. He’s at home, hopefully still asleep and in lala land. He’s depressed and feels guilty because he feels like he’s letting Brian down if he even so much as kisses me and now I’m gonna go and set his sorry ass straight.”
It was silent for a few moments and Adam started to wonder if she was even on the other end of the line. “Hey, you there?”
“What you just said doesn’t make me feel any better by giving you his whereabouts.”
“Well,” Adam trailed, laughing. “It’ll make me feel better…now spill it.”
Again, there was silence.
“Come on, Katy,” he whined. “Please.”
“Does Kris even know what you’re up to? Because if he doesn’t, he’s gonna be pissed when he finds out.”
“He isn’t going to find out,” he stated firmly. At least, he’d better not or there’d be hell to pay and Adam knew it.
“Yeah…why don’t I believe that? Adam what’s going on?”
He pulled over to the side of the road and rolled down his window for fresh air. “Honestly, it’s hard to say because Kris won’t talk about it. But tonight he told me that Brian makes him feel guilty because he moved on with his life and while I don’t really want to go into details or anything…tonight, while we were snuggling together in bed, he totally shut down and just started crying.”
“I knew it!” she exclaimed. “I just knew he was pulling that shit on Kris. He’s got guilt written all over that pretty face of his.”
Adam leaned his head on the steering wheel, fighting the urge to scream. “Have you seen him lately?”
“Not since the hospital, why?”
“He looks like hell,” Adam groaned, rubbing his eyes. “And don’t tell him I said that…but seriously, he looks like he’s about to have a nervous breakdown or something.”
“Shit,” Katy mumbled. “Have you talked to him about seeing someone yet?”
“Yeah,” he replied, sitting up straight. “He’s actually started to see the group therapist on a personal level, I guess, but I’m not comfortable with that.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“I’m gonna check into finding someone else for him. He needs to have someone who has an unbiased opinion of the whole thing.” He took a deep breath and looked out the window. “And quite frankly, this group therapist in my opinion, is gonna see things Brian’s way, no matter what.”
“Listen, Adam, I’ll give you the address…but, you have to promise to control yourself when you get here. What Kris definitely doesn’t need is to bail his hubby out of jail in the morning for assault.”
He smiled. “Promise.”
“And I’ll see what I can do about maybe taking Kris out to lunch tomorrow.”
“Thanks Katy.”
“Adam?”
“Yeah.”
Katy blew out a long breath. “I know we’ve talked about this before but you’ve got to be strong and hang in there for Kris. You are the one he loves, there’s no question in my mind about that. You can’t give up fighting.”
Adam knew what she was saying was true, but at the same time, he also knew that he couldn’t and wouldn’t fight a losing battle. “I’m not going to stop fighting for us, but if and when the time comes that I’m the only one fighting…”
“Don’t even say it,” Katy interrupted. “That’s not going to happen.”
“I really hope it doesn’t,” he stated, closing his eyes. “Because I don’t know what I would do without him…he’s everything to me.”
“You’re going to make me cry,” she bellyached. “Stop it.”
Adam managed a little laugh through his own tears. “I already am crying, because I don’t have as much faith as you do about where this is headed.”
Katy gave him the address, pleading with him not to take things too far. “I’m g-gonna hang up now…be good and call me if you end up in jail, not Kris.”
“Go back to bed, thanks.”
________________________________________
The first thing Adam noticed was the lack of street lights. Not a single streetlight was present down the broken-up road, not even so much as a porch light was visible.
Darkness filled the already dark and gloomy night and it gave him an even eerier feeling than he already had.
He drove slow, straining his eyes to read the numbers on the mailboxes. He knew he was getting close when he checked the address. When his cell phone rang, he nearly jumped out of his skin. “Shit, Katy,” he mumbled while reaching for the phone. “Yeah?”
“Adam? Where are you?”
Adam’s heart sank upon hearing the sound of his husband’s voice.
“Adam?” Kris repeated in a desperate voice.
He cleared his throat trying to remain calm. “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
“Fine,” he replied, not believing a single word. “What’re you doing up?”
Adam heard him sigh loudly and cringed. Kris wasn’t supposed to wake up. That wasn’t in his plan. “I couldn’t sleep. Why didn’t you wake me up before you left? I didn’t know where you were.”
Adam pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. “I’m sorry…I thought you could use the sleep.” When he heard Kris blow his nose, his heart sank even further. “Are you crying?”
“Yeah,” Kris barely mumbled between blows. “I was scared when I couldn’t find you.”
Adam rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, honey. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I know you didn’t. I’m just a little emotional.”
Moving his hand away from his eyes, Adam looked out the window and settled on the mailbox a few feet from him. Bingo!
“Where are you?”
Adam swallowed hard in a desperate attempt to mask the lie he was about to spit out.
“Adam?”
“Yeah, yeah…I’m shopping.”
“Shopping?” Kris exclaimed. “Now? At this hour?”
Crap… “I woke up hungry and the fridge was pretty scarce so I ran out to get a few things.”
“God, honey,” Kris moaned. “You couldn’t wait until morning?”
Adam hated lying, but there was no other choice except to come clean and face the wrath and that really wasn’t a choice at this point. “It’s easier for me to shop during the middle of the night,” he said quietly. “Better chance of going unrecognized.”
“Oh.”
“I’ll be home shortly, go back to sleep.”
“Since when do you mind being recognized?”
Adam blew out a long breath. Did Kris know he was lying? It sure sounded like it. “Sometimes it’s just nice to be able to go to the store and not have everyone critiquing my every move or worse yet, critiquing every item I put into the cart, you know?”
He heard Kris yawn. “I guess.”
“Go back to bed, Kris,” he pleaded for more than one reason. “You sound exhausted.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“I’m here now so I’m going to let you go.” There, now that really wasn’t a lie. He was where he’d set out to go. It just wasn’t the grocery store.
“Okay…could you pick up some more string cheese while you’re there? I just ate the last one.”
Adam smiled and then quickly frowned when he realized that he’d have to actually stop at the grocery store. Just what he didn’t want to do. “Sure, no problem.”
“Drive safe.”
“Always…good night.”
Adam quickly flipped the phone close and put his car in drive, turning down the poorly lit driveway. Once he was assured that he wasn’t going to hit anything that might’ve been in the path, he turned off his lights and continued towards the garage.
From what he could tell, the house was nothing out of the ordinary. Just a regular two-storey home, buried deep inside a nicely wooded yard. Not too big and not too small. It was just right…the perfect home.
Perfect.
Trying not to let his thoughts get the better of him, he placed the car in park and jumped out. This was not about the perfect home. This was about Brian trying to destroy his perfect home.
He walked up the path leading to the front door and quickly noticed from where he stood, that there weren’t any lights on in the house.
Was he doing the right thing?
It may have not been the right thing, but it was the only thing he could think of to make things right. This was about Kris and his health, his sanity and their marriage. He had to do this.
Taking the step onto the porch, he stood completely still for a moment to catch his breath and gather his thoughts. At least he was calmer than he had been when he reached Daniel’s place. That had to be a good thing.
He stepped up to the door and raised his hand to knock when he noticed the doorbell off to his left.
Knock or ring?
Ring or knock?
Completing his first reaction, he brought his fist down on the steel door and knocked. If that didn’t work then he’d ring the doorbell. He knocked again when he didn’t receive any response. This time, it was much louder. He wanted to try and avoid the doorbell at all costs.
When the porch light popped on, his heart sped up. There was no backing out now.
Slowly, the front door creaked open and a confused face peered around the corner. Evidently, the confusion didn’t last long because quickly after that, the front door swung open. “I was wondering how long it was going to take you to finally pay me a visit.”
Adam’s first reaction was to flip him off. Luckily, he went with his second reaction, a smart-ass retaliation. “Guess you can stop straining the brain by wondering, Brian…I’m here.”
“And it’s late,” Brian mumbled, stepping around the door to stand directly in front of him. “You could’ve at least had the decency out of respect for my elderly parents to come at a decent hour.”
Adam’s gaze didn’t falter. “Your parents aren’t that old, Brian.” He pointed towards the wooden bench on the porch. “If you’re that worried about it, we can handle this outside.”
Brian’s eyes increasingly became smaller as the seconds ticked by. “Give me a minute to put some pants on.”
“By all means.” Adam took a seat on the bench and waited. And waited. And waited.
He waited for nearly ten minutes and with each additional minute that ticked by, the more frustrated he became. When Brian finally stepped outside, he jumped to his feet in anger. If this man wanted to play games by stalling, he’d better watch out. Playing games was something every celebrity was good at, including him.
“Boy, you’re awfully jumpy there, Adam. Is something bothering you?”
Adam turned around slowly to face Brian. He did his best to maintain his composure, but he was already aware of his seams coming unglued. “You need to back off Kris,” he said, through a clenched jaw. “He feels like he’s under a lot of pressure and with the guilt trip you’re laying on him, it’s only making matters worse.”
Brian stood there defiantly, not moving a muscle. “And he’s told you this?”
“To a certain extent, yes.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“And why the hell not?”
Brian stood his ground, still not moving. “Because that doesn’t sound like something Kris would say.”
“You don’t even know him anymore, Brian,” Adam spat, running a hand through his hair. “He’s not the same person he was three years ago.”
“And how the hell do you know that, Adam? You have nothing to compare it to. You didn’t even know him then.” Brian’s hands flew up in the air. “Hell, you didn’t even know him one year ago.”
Adam wasn’t about to let his words rattle him, no matter how true they were. “People change, Brian. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out.”
Brian’s hands flew to his hips. “I’m not laying any type of guilt trip on him. If he’s feeling guilty, Adam, then something’s obviously eating at him.”
“Just back off and let him work this out on his own.” Adam held back his urge to yell. It was what he really wanted to do, but knew that it would only cause more problems. “There’s no reason why he needs to go with you to your therapy sessions. You’re the one who needs help.”
“He’s the one who insisted on coming with me. I’m not forcing him to go.” Brian ran a hand over his hair and blew out a breath. “Obviously, he wants to be there or else he wouldn’t be.”
“You’re so full of shit.” Adam shook his head in disbelief. “He told me you asked him to go to those therapy sessions with him. He’s my husband, in case you haven’t noticed and, despite what you may or may not want to believe, we do talk.”
Brian’s stance straightened. “He was my husband first, buddy.”
“Fuck,” Adam huffed, turning his back. “You don’t get it, do you?” Taking a deep breath, he flew back around. “This isn’t about who had him first. It’s not a contest. It’s about him as a human being and what’s happening to him. If we’re not careful, we’ll both lose him.”
Brian’s lips turned up in a slow smile.
Adam’s face dropped. “Don’t even fucking say that’s what you want to happen.”
Brian shrugged. “At least you won’t have him.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me? I thought you cared about him.”
“I do care about him, but if I can’t have him, I don’t want you having him either.”
Adam’s jaw tightened. “You don’t even know me.”
“I know enough to know that what he doesn’t need is a barbaric husband who cares more himself and his career than him.”
Adam’s body jerked, immediately becoming tense. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Ah, come on, Adam,” Brian chirped, smiling. “You know damn well that’s the truth. You didn’t care about his job and how he struggled through four years of college so that he could be where he is now.” He shook his head and frowned. “If you cared, you never would’ve let him quit his job.”
“It was his choice, Brian,” Adam replied neutrally.
“But you didn’t stop him, did you?”
“How do you know whether or not I didn’t try and stop him?” Adam barked back. “You weren’t even there.”
Brian’s lips turned up. “He told me how much it killed him to leave his job but that he felt he had no choice, since you’re always traveling.”
Adam’s mind was reeling. What the hell was happening here and why wasn’t he the one that Kris told?
“Look, Adam,” Brian quipped, pacing the porch. “I don’t care who you are, how much money you make or how you make it. The bottom line is Kris. I didn’t ask to be a POW for the last couple of years of my life, okay? And I sure as hell didn’t want to put Kris through what he’s been through for the past three years either, but we didn’t have a choice.” He took a few steps towards Adam and stopped. “All I know is that up until six months ago, my husband was still pining away for me. He never even looked at another man until you came along and if it hadn’t been for you, he’d be in my arms right now and in my bed loving me.” He pointed his finger towards himself, stabbing it in his chest. “You and I both know it and it scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”
The words rang through Adam’s head over and over again, wondering whether or not what Brian said was true. Deciding not to let it get to him, he simply glared back at him. “Do you even realize how fast we fell for each other? From what Kris’s told me, it happened even faster for us than it did for you two, Brian, and that, my friend…scares the hell out of you, doesn’t it?”
Brian laughed. “I thought you said it wasn’t a competition, Adam.”
He lowered his voice and heaved, “It’s not.”
“Sure sounds like you’re making it out to be one.”
When Adam heard the front door swing open, his eyes narrowed. Julianne stuck her head out the door. “What’s going on out here?”
“Nothing,” Adam replied, walking past Brian and down off the porch. “I was just leaving.”
“Competition or not, Adam,” Brian said, turning towards the door. “You’ll lose.”
Adam stopped and turned around. “Mark my words, Brian…you’ll end up destroying Kris in the process.”
________________________________________
Pulling into the driveway, Adam glanced at the clock. It was almost three in the morning. It took him longer than he expected, the stop at the grocery store adding to it. He made his way into the garage and out of the car quickly, making sure to grab his two grocery bags.
Slowly and quietly, he made his way into the house and towards the kitchen without turning on any lights. The less noise he made the better. The less conspicuous he made himself, the better. If he were lucky, he’d be able to sneak back into bed without Kris even knowing what time he ventured home.
With careful precision, he took baby steps into the kitchen, making sure the sound of his footsteps couldn’t be heard.
After only a few steps however, he heard a distinct sound coming from somewhere within earshot. Adam stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes trying desperately to find the source. But it was useless. It was too dark.
He took another step, and then froze again when he could finally decipher the sound he was hearing. Sobs. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. It didn’t matter how inconspicuous he was, Kris was up and more than likely, waiting for him. “He called you, didn’t he?”
Slowly, a dark figure rose from hiding on the other side of the kitchen counter. “You lied to me.”
Adam swallowed down the lump in his throat, hearing Kris’s tone. When his eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, he noticed Kris clutching his cell phone near his chest. “I made a little detour.”
“Bullshit, Adam!” Kris yelled, throwing the phone down on the counter. “The only detour you made was the one to the grocery store and that was only because you were forced to.”
He stood completely still for a moment, still shocked over what was happening. He never thought Brian would actually call Kris. He set his bags down on the counter and walked over to the light switch on the wall.
“Don’t.”
Adam stopped his hand mid air and sighed. “I got you your string cheese.”
“I don’t give a shit about the damn cheese.”
Adam knew Kris was mad, not only by his tone but by his choice of words as well. He rarely ever swore. And when he did, it was only when he was upset. “I needed to have a talk with him.”
“Why?” Kris asked loudly. “So you could threaten him?”
Adam swung around towards him. “What’re you talking about?” he asked, shaking his head in confusion. “I didn’t threaten him.”
“That’s not what he said.”
“Well,” he responded, shaking his head again. “He’s lying.”
“You lied!”
“Whatever,” he mumbled, walking back to the bags. No point in starting a battle he was sure to lose. Deciding it was best just to ignore the situation, he opened the fridge and grabbed one of the bags off the counter. Slowly he started to pull the items out one by one, placing them in the fridge.
“Aren’t you even going to explain yourself?”
Adam finished putting the items away before shutting the fridge and making his way over to where Kris stood. “Would it help? Because I’m thinking that you’re not going to believe what I say anyway.”
Kris lashed out and hit Adam on the arm, hard.
“You can go off and hit me if you want, honey, but it’s not going to help what’s going on here, is it?”
“Why the hell did you go over there? You had no business!”
Adam reached out and ran his hand along Kris’s cheek, which he quickly pushed away. “That’s where you and Brian are both wrong. This is my business. You’re my business and what’s happening to you is my business. What’s happening to us is my fucking business!”
Kris’s mouth dropped open before he covered his face with his hands and turned around. “This has nothing to do with us!”
Adam jerked around, throwing his hands up in the air. “Would you please stop saying that? This has EVERYTHING to do with us. EVERYTHING!”
When Kris didn’t respond, Adam simply stared him down. It did have everything to do with them. Couldn’t he see that? “Why didn’t you tell me that you changed your mind about having a baby?”
It was hard to see the reaction on Kris’s face, but by the gasp and the way Kris lunged his head forward, Adam knew it wasn’t good. “Why are you going through my stuff? Checking up on me?”
Kris’s words hit him hard.
“Huh, Adam? Are you?”
Adam stood completely still, willing himself not to overreact. It wasn’t easy though, because Kris’s tone was condescending and his stance matched his tone. Closing his eyes briefly, Adam caught his breath and then walked back into the kitchen. “The folder wasn’t in your ‘stuff’. It was in one of our many junk drawers,” he said, pointing to them all. Taking another moment to catch his breath, he sighed. “And you should know me better than that. I would never go through your ‘stuff’ in order to check up on you. And furthermore, are you trying to tell me that I should be checking up on you?”
“And you should know me better than that,” Kris retaliated, like Adam knew he would.
“I thought I did know you better than that, Kris, but now I’m not so sure.”
Kris stepped around the counter, venturing into the kitchen as well. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Adam leaned back against the fridge and folded his arms in front of him. “Why didn’t you tell me that you really didn’t want to quit your job? You didn’t have to quit, you know. We would’ve found a way to work it out without you quitting.”
Kris sighed, but didn’t answer him.
“And why didn’t you tell me that you had changed your mind about the baby?” he continued, eyeing Kris carefully. “Don’t you think I had a right to know that?”
Slowly, Kris brought his hands up, covering his face again. “I haven’t done anything about it yet. I still haven’t made up my mind on what to do.”
“And what?” Adam questioned, blowing a breath out his nose in an act of disgust. “I don’t have a say in it?”
Kris’s hands flew down to his sides. “Do you really think that this is a good time to try and have a baby? Because I don’t. Not now.”
“Don’t you see what Brian’s doing to us?” Adam questioned, walking towards Kris. “Slowly and surely, he’s driving a wedge between us.” He lifted his hands and cupped Kris’s face so that he was forced to look Adam in the eye. “I’m not about to give up on us yet, Kris. But I can’t be the only one fighting for us either.” He leaned in and kissed Kris’s forehead before looking him squarely in the eyes again. “Remember that.”
________________________________________
After the fourth day of Kris’s self-imposed seclusion, Adam couldn’t take it any longer. There was only so much cleaning, reading, sleeping, and writing that he could take. He knew now, after four long days, that he should’ve gone for the in-ground pool Patrick kept badgering him to get. At least he could’ve spent his idle time swimming.
If he didn’t find something to do and fast, he was going to go crazy. His husband wouldn’t be the only one in seclusion. He’d be in a similar type setting, only it wouldn’t be at home and it wouldn’t be self-imposed, it’d be in an asylum.
Thankfully, Kris did allow him to sleep in their bedroom and in their bed, as lonely as it may have been. Regardless of the fact that Kris was next to him, the king-size mattress wasn’t very giving and Kris may as well have been in a different room as far as Adam was concerned.
Despite the secluded atmosphere, however, on occasion Kris did come out for food. String cheese, crackers and water. Not exactly what one would call a meal, or a healthy one at that, but at least he was eating, as little as it may have actually been. He also did come out two more times other than for food; he came out to attend his therapy sessions with Brian.
Another sore spot with Adam, but one he wasn’t about to embark on with things the way they were around the house.
For the first time in many years, Adam actually found himself champing at the bit for something to do. At this point, he would welcome just about anything. Even his own recording studio didn’t hold much interest for him, but day in and day out, he forced himself to sit down and try to write for the next album.
Of course, due to the state of depression he was in, every word he wrote was about being lonely and not wanting to go on. Not really pop album material, but it kept him somewhat busy.
Hearing a ruckus coming from the master bedroom, Adam walked towards the room at a snail’s pace. He knocked only once. “Kris?” When he didn’t respond, Adam turned the doorknob slowly, surprised that it wasn’t locked. “Honey?”
“I’m in the bathroom.”
He sat down on the bed and quickly noticed Kris’s suitcase on the bed. It was full and ready to go.
Where?
When Kris made his way out of the bathroom, Adam noticed that Kris was dressed. A big improvement considering he hadn’t showered in the four days that’d passed, let alone change his clothes.
“Going somewhere?” Adam questioned, nodding towards the suitcase.
Kris stopped and glanced over at the object in question. “I thought I had mentioned that Katy asked me to babysit while she and Cale went on this couples’ retreat.”
“Couples’ retreat?”
“Yeah,” Kris mumbled, gently running his hands down the sides of his pants. “Their minister suggested it. It’s only for the weekend.”
Adam’s head swung around, his heart aching at hearing the words. “Doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Maybe we could do something like that.”
Kris shook his head and walked towards the bed. “Her oldest two children are going to her in-law’s house but she’s asked me to stay with Cassidy since her in-laws’ isn’t baby-proofed.”
With Kris standing so close, Adam took the opportunity to eye him carefully. It didn’t matter that he was finally dressed, or that his hair was combed, Kris still looked depressed and shaken. Thin and fragile. Dazed and confused. “Why don’t you just bring Cassidy here and watch her? I’d love the diversion,” he replied, looking at Kris’s face. Even the make-up didn’t hide what was really going on. It couldn’t. Nothing was going to help.
Kris zipped the suitcase up and grabbed it off the bed, making his way to the door. “I thought maybe we could use the space.”
Dropping it to the floor, he turned around. “Besides, this place is hardly what I would call baby-proofed.”
“It wouldn’t take long to place the breakables up on the shelves, Kris,” he retaliated.
Lifting his head to face Adam, Kris took a deep breath. “Listen…the therapist said that giving us some space might help with what’s been going on around here.”
Adam closed his eyes and blew out a breath. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.” He opened his eyes and leaned back on his arms, forcing himself not to think about Kris’s wayward appearance. “I’ve gotten the name of a really good therapist from a friend and I checked into it and she’d be more than willing to take you on as a patient.”
Kris shrugged. “I don’t feel like rehashing everything again with someone new. This one is pretty good and he already knows everything.”
Adam’s eyes remained focused on Kris. “He’s Brian’s therapist.”
Kris shook his head and shrugged again.
“I don’t like the idea of you talking to someone who is also talking to the same person you’re talking about,” Adam said calmly. “Personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea. How do you know this guy isn’t relaying info to Brian?”
“God, Adam,” Kris heaved, turning to pace the floors. “He’s a professional!”
Adam rubbed his face with his hands with such force that he was sure he was giving himself new wrinkles in the process. He was having a hard time remaining calm as it was and hearing Kris defend this therapist of his, wasn’t helping. “Fine, I’m not going to argue with you about it.”
“Good.”
“So…this space your so-called therapist is recommending?” he questioned, standing to his feet. “Is it just with me? Or does he think you need to give yourself some space with Brian as well?”
Kris stopped dead in his tracks and dropped his head.
“Never mind,” Adam replied, walking over to him. “I already know the answer.” When he reached Kris, he stood behind his husband and snaked his arms around his waist. “You don’t need space from your husband, Kris, you should know that. What you need is space from Brian.”
Kris turned around and glared at Adam through the tears in his eyes. “So, now you’re not only a rock star but also a certified shrink too?”
Kris’s words cut deep. Deeper than he probably would ever know and deeper than Adam would ever let on. Dropping his hands from Kris’s waist, Adam stood up tall. “Do you want me to move out?”
Kris’s facial expression changed drastically. “No, not at all.”
“Then how do you suppose that you’re going to get this space that your therapist thinks you need?”
Adam noticed Kris swallow. Then, he noticed Kris blink back the tears that were threatening to pour out. “Um…I thought that by leaving this weekend, it would give us the space he thinks we need.”
“And what happens when you return home after this weekend?” Adam asked, not letting up. “Is one weekend going to be enough time to put space between us, because I’m thinking that he probably wouldn’t agree.”
“I don’t know, Adam,” Kris barked, turning around. “He thinks that I need to move out, okay? But I don’t want to do that.”
Adam gripped Kris’s shoulders and forced him to turn around and face him. “I thought you said that this doesn’t have anything to do with us, Kris. Do you remember saying that?” Adam took in a deep breath. “If this doesn’t have anything to do with our relationship then why the hell would your therapist suggest that you move out?”
“Adam,” Kris squeaked out.
“Answer me, damn it! What the hell is going on with you?” Adam let go of his shoulders and tried to get control of his emotions. “Do you or don’t you want to be married to me anymore?”
“Yes,” Kris answered weakly. “I love you, you know that.”
“I don’t know anything anymore, Kris and just by you saying those three words doesn’t really make it any clearer.” Adam took a few steps and stopped, lifting his gaze to Kris. “I’m just as confused as you are here. One minute I think I understand what’s going on and then bam……..five seconds later, I’m at a loss again.”
“I’m sorry,” Kris whispered. “I’m not doing this on purpose.”
Adam’s gaze dropped down. Staring at his feet, he closed his eyes in an attempt to relax. He was on the verge of tears. “I realize that you’re confused but I’m not sure what you’re confused over. If you love me like you say you do, then what is the confusion all about?” Lifting his head slowly, he looked at Kris. “If this is about guilt, then what chance do I even have? I’m not going to stay married to someone who is forever going to feel guilty about loving me. That’s not what marriage is all about.”
Kris simply stared back at Adam, tears spilling down his cheeks.
“You need to let him go, honey. If we stand any chance at making this marriage work,” he paused, inhaling deeply to catch his breath, “You need to get over this guilt and let Brian worry about himself. He’ll get over this and move on. He won’t have a choice.”
“You don’t understand,” Kris quipped quietly.
“You’re right,” Adam shot back loudly. “I don’t understand.” Adam walked over to the bed and plopped down, rubbing his eyes. “I don’t understand how you can say one thing but do another. Do you remember what you said to me that one night we were in bed together…right before Brian resurfaced?”
Kris wiped away the tears off his cheeks and whispered, “Please…don’t.”
“Well, I do,” Adam stated, ignoring Kris’s plea. “I remember the way you ran your hand over my face and told me that what you and Brian had couldn’t even compare to what we had.” He took a deep breath and gripped his chest. His heart felt like it was breaking in two and more than anything, he wanted to stop that from happening. He needed to stop it. “I remember how you told me that I was your soul mate…not Brian…but me, Adam. And I remember how you told me that you thought about what your life would’ve been like had Brian not died and how you never would’ve met me.”
“I remember,” Kris quietly stated.
“You also said that you weren’t happy about the fact that he’d died but that if he wouldn’t have died, you never would’ve known that this type of love existed.” Adam swallowed hard to stop the tears from flowing. “Our love.”
Kris’s head shot up. “But he’s not dead, Adam.”
“But that shouldn’t change anything, Kris,” he said, standing to his feet. “Don’t you see that? Just because he’s alive shouldn’t change the way you feel. I’m your soul mate,” Adam whispered, reaching Kris and cupping his face with his hands. “Not Brian…you need to let go of this guilt.”
“That’s what I’m t-trying to do,” Kris gasped, closing his eyes. “You can’t possibly understand what I’m g-going through Adam because you’ve n-never been through it.”
Adam wiped away the tears with his thumb, his own tears now falling freely as well. For the first time, he was finally letting himself succumb to what was actually happening around him. He couldn’t hold it in any longer. “Make me understand then. I need to understand.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” Kris whispered, shaking his head slightly. “You’ve never had to let someone you love go…so you wouldn’t understand…and with Brian, it’s the s-second time around.”
Stepping back and dropping his hands, he eyed Kris carefully. He was losing Kris. It was something he knew all along, but not something that was easy to comprehend, let alone admit. He swallowed down the lump in his throat, taking the moment to wipe his face of the tears. “Do I even have a chance here?”
Kris’s eyes were clouded over with tears. “I should probably go.”
Adam looked down at Kris’s bag and stepped towards it. Reaching it, Adam bent down and picked it up, handing it to him. “Yeah…you probably should.”
“I love you, Adam,” Kris replied, taking the bag. “More than anything, I love you, and I’m sorry I’m h-hurting you.”
Adam stopped and turned to look at Kris, managing a little smile, knowing deep down that there was nothing in his life worth smiling over at this point. “I know…I’m sorry too.”
