something_rare (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
something_rare) wrote2010-01-04 08:09 pm
something_rare) wrote2010-01-04 08:09 pm
Entry tags:
Leap of Faith - Chapter 21
Title: Leap of Faith
Pairing: Jensen Ackles /Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 3,986
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,
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bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.Summery: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 21:
Chris sat there, rubbing Jensen’s back as he cried into Chris’s neck. This was not what Chris had planned for that night but his plans had changed, drastically. He had just got back from a bar with a guy he had picked up when Jensen showed up at his place, seriously messed up.
“Jensen, you guys had your first major fight. It's no big deal, buddy. It will blow over, trust me."
"No, it won't. He was such an asshole, Chris. He said stuff he wouldn't have said if he didn't mean it," Jensen cried, his voice muffled.
"Like what?"
"He called me a pussy, practically called me selfish, said I never thought about what he had to deal with. Can you believe that? I always think about what things must be like for him. It's always about him and I hate it," Jensen sniffled.
"You love him, Jensen, don’t you?"
"Of course! I tell him that all the time and even though he never says it back, it never matters because I know this is all new to him," Jensen said as he leaned up and looked at Chris with red, puffy eyes.
"Well, you have one of two choices to make here."
"What choices?"
“Well, choice number one: You can stay with him and live your life according to the time your man has for you. You'll have to keep your relationship hidden for the rest of your lives unless, by some small miracle, he decides enough is enough and comes out of the closet,-” Chris paused, waiting to see Jensen’s reaction before continuing, “Choice number two: You go out and find yourself someone that won't be ashamed to show you off, someone that will be happy to hold your hand in public and will have time for you all the time."
“Chris, he's not ashamed of me," Jensen said, crossing his arms over his chest.
"The man won't even walk too close to you in public, Jensen!"
"It’s because of his career, Chris, not because he is ashamed.”
"Jensen…just wake up and smell the coffee, OK? Things are not going to change. He is not going to leave his career for you. He knows that if he decides to publicly have a relationship with you, it will be the end of his career."
"You don't know that,-"
“Jensen! Open your eyes! Even if Jared gives up his career for you, there will be some resentment, trust me," Chris said as he saw Jensen on the verge of tears again, "Listen to me Jensen. I'm not telling you to give up on him. I just want you to be realistic about things if you're going to go through with this. That way if things don't turn out your way, you won't be disappointed.”
Jensen just leant his head back against the sofa and closed his eyes, thinking about what Chris had just said. He was not ready to accept it, but deep down inside, he wondered if Chris was right.
“Jensen, are you OK?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“I thought you’d fallen asleep on me. Go wash your face. I’m gonna make some coffee and then we’ll talk some more, OK?” Chris said as Jensen got up and walked to the bathroom.
Chris waited for a few minutes before he got up and followed Jensen. He knocked on the door and waited.
"Need any help in there?" Chris quipped.
"NO THANK YOU!" Jensen called through the door and even though Chris should have resisted, he did not, choosing instead to turn the handle and let himself in.
Jensen sat on the toilet seat, his pants unzipped and dick bulging in his underwear. Before Chris’s common sense could get in the way, he was on his knees, Jensen’s dick in his hands.
"Chris, stop it!" Jensen cried, first out of shock and then out of horror. Chris didn't stop though. Instead he swallowed Jensen.
"Chris, don't do this," Jensen said, his voice sounded so meek, so innocent, so vulnerable that Chris couldn't resist. He deep-throated Jensen in one go.
From then on, it was just a moan here, a pant there and finally, "Ahhhhh."
Jensen rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes. After a few minutes reality set in and he grabbed tissues from the Kleenex box behind him. He began to clean up, avoiding looking at Chris at all costs.
"Jenny, I'm sorry,"
Chris did not know why he felt an incessant need to apologize but he did.
"Forget it," Jensen’s voice came out in a whisper, barely audible.
"No, this is obviously bothering you."
"Chris, I don't want to talk about it," Jensen quickly zipped up and walked out of the bathroom. Chris followed behind, determined not to let the situation end like that.
"Jensen..."
"What! What Chris, What!" he screamed, hurriedly searching for his keys.
"We did nothing wrong," Chris answered.
"Ha, yeah right. You give me a blowjob and you call that doing nothing wrong. No wonder your relationships don't pan out," Jensen replied, the sarcasm in his voice was unmistakable.
"We had oral sex and it wasn't reciprocated so, -"
"So it goes to show how weak I am. I have one fight with my boyfriend and what do I do? I come here and have sex with you. I am such a pussy."
"You made a mistake Jensen, we both did, ok, but don't blame yourself. A blowjob between friends doesn't even count."
Jensen looked over at Chris and scowled, "Please don't try and make me feel better, Chris. All you're doing is making me feel like shit. Jared trusted me and I go and do this."
"And he's probably out there doing the same thing."
"Fuck you Chris! What the hell do you know about...about anything. Jared loves me, OK? And he wouldn't even think of doing anything like this. He loves me, he cares about me and he looks after me," Suddenly all that anger turned into tears and he stood there in front of Chris sobbing openly, "how could I be so stupid and...And....God I am so stupid. He'll never forgive me for this..."
Chris could not just stand there watching Jensen look so pitiful so he walked up to Jensen and embraced him. Jensen didn’t resist but crumpled into Chris’s arms and continued to cry.
"It's OK, Jensen, it's OK, and we’ll figure something out. I mean, you don't even have to say anything to him."
"No...I...I...I can't hide...this...from...him."
"Ok, we'll figure something out, we'll figure something out," Chris said, while gently rubbing Jensen’s back.
Chris knew it was going to be a tricky situation made even trickier by the history Jared and he shared but if it took him forever, he decided he would do all that was in his power to get things back on track.
_______________________________
“Debut at numero uno, Jared. Damn!" Matt's voice resounded from behind a newspaper and even though Jared should have been ecstatic, he wasn't.
"Yeah," he replied.
Matt lowered the paper and looked across at him, "What's the matter, Jared? Since when are you not excited about making number one on the charts?"
"I'm happy. I just don't see the big deal," Jared stated.
"You don't see the big deal?! You must have hit your head, man. This is what we've been after all along and 'you don't see the big deal'. Damn, I'm speechless."
"No, this is what you have been after all along. I could care less if it was on top of the charts or not."
"Since when?"
Since Jensen!
"Since now! Who gives a damn if it becomes number one or not?" Jared said instead.
"You should care. After all the time and energy you devoted to this, you should care."
Matt was right. Jared knew Matt was right but he did not speak up. Instead he chose to let the silence settle and then Matt said, "I don't know what the hell is eating at you and frankly I don't think you want me to know. All I'm gonna say is that maybe now is the time for you to take an extended break. Take this woman you've been talking about away somewhere...."
The 'woman' Jared had been talking about was indeed Jensen and Jared had neither admitted nor denied that she was actually a ‘he’, he just let Matt think whatever came naturally; and thinking back to what he had said back then and what was happening now only served to make Jared realize how fucked-up things really were.
It must have been two months after they had gotten together, two months after that first night at Jared’s place, two months after the morning Jensen told him that he loved him. It had been two months filled with a lot of pressure to finish the album, a lot of stress to keep his career out of his personal life, a lot of back and forth arguing between Jensen and Jared and a lot of guilt to pass around. But it wasn't all negative. Those two months had also provided Jared with an opportunity to discover and explore a side of him Jared never knew existed. The romantic side: the flowers, the candy, the continuous serenades, dinners, and movies, they did it all, not to mention the sex. It had been off the wall and each time seemed twice as good as the time before and Jared wondered how he had survived without it.
All in all, those first two months were good. But isn't that always how it is in the beginning of a relationship? You're happy one minute and then the next, the shit hits the fan and reality rears its ugly head. In other words, life gets in the way.
Jared was trying, he really was and even though there was a part of him that wanted things to work, another part of him, a slightly larger part wanted his life to go back to the way it was, simple and uncomplicated. Back to a time where he could chill with his best friend and not have to worry about what he said; when he could work till the break of dawn and not have to report to a living soul; back to a time when Jared didn't feel like it could be one thing or another, not both.
But Jared knew that all that wishing, all that thinking, all that nostalgia was a waste of time….his time, and that no matter what he did, shit was the way it was and no amount of daydreaming was going to change that.
_______________________________
It felt scary for Jensen. The fact that he could be hanging around someone else he was physically attracted to and not think about his problems, i.e. Jared, was a damn scary feeling. Back up about three weeks ago to his little indiscretion with Chris. Jensen was a wreck, a head case, a nut. He couldn't function and almost sat back and allowed his whole life to crumble before his eyes. He wasn't eating right or sleeping right and he had lost contact with everyone, even Danneel. Jared was calling him often enough, leaving messages on his machine, all of which Jensen erased except one:
Jensen, it's me, shit! This is probably the tenth message I've left and you still haven’t called me back yet. Are you OK? I know shit got heated with us the other day and I want you to know that I didn't mean to go off on you. I know things haven't been easy on you and that I've been selfish lately - I... I want us to give this a shot. I know I've been saying this a lot but I mean it. I really think that we could make this work. The album's done and I got a whole three months on my hands. We could go anywhere you wanted. I want to make it up to you. I...
The tape ran out then. What Jared was going to say seemed promising but by then Jensen was too choked up to think about it. He wanted to call Jared and tell him how much he wanted him, how much he needed him, how much Jared meant to him. Jensen even wanted to let Jared know that he wasn't perfect, that he too had made a mistake but then it hit him, out of the blue like a lightning bolt. He sounded desperate, and what Jared had told him before struck home again.
Be a fucking pussy….
Jared was right. Jensen was acting soft, he really was and the thought made him feel disgusted with himself.
"Don't you want to see him?"
Jensen looked up to see Chris who was getting ready to go to work. He had spent the night at Jensen’s apartment.
"Of course I do, I just don't think now is the right time to do it," Jensen responded, trying to keep the frustration out of his voice.
"Why the fuck not?"
"Because time apart might be a good thing for us."
The truth of the matter was that Jensen was hoping that Jared would just show up on the doorstep begging Jensen to take him back. It would have been a first for Jared.
"That is the biggest pile of horse shit I've heard since...since I can't even remember. The last time we spoke you were practically foaming at the mouth to tell him about us, now all of a sudden you don't want to see him. Sell that crap to someone who is gullible. Now tell me, what's going on?"
"Nothing, Chris. Speaking of which, what's up with you? You never told me last night."
Chris sighed, no doubt highly annoyed with all those mind games Jensen seemed to be playing, "Trying to change the subject, are we?"
Jensen stayed quiet, hoping Chris would not call him on it.
"Well, if you would stop playing this cat and mouse game you would know what's going on. I've been busy getting things ready."
"For what?" Jensen questioned further.
"I'm moving at the end of the month Jensen."
Jensen almost spilled the coffee he had been sipping, "To where? Why didn't you tell me? Why?"
"Slow down, cowboy. I’ve got a better job offer in LA. It pays twice as much as the job here. I can’t say no to that."
"Oh,” Was the only response Jensen could come up with.
"Shit! I'm late. Tell you what? How about I pick you up tonight? We will go out for dinner, celebrate and talk about things, OK? See you later."
With that, Chris was out the door.
Five minutes later Jensen was still in shock, mouth agape. Despite all the crap he had taken from Chris and their roller coaster relationship over the years, Chris was still Jensen’s closest confidant. The thought of Chris leaving had Jensen shivering, but he couldn't allow himself to think of that, not when that night was supposed to be a happy occasion. It had been a while since he had been out in the company of a man he liked, a long time, and that thought alone had him thinking about Jared. Was he wrong to go out with someone else, even a friend, when he had a boyfriend? Even though he knew the answer to that question, Jensen went into denial mode. He was a grown man. He could do as he pleased. He was entitled to a little loving in his life and if Jared wasn't up for the job, someone would have to take his place.
_______________________________
Jared had no idea what he was doing in the shower, fisting his dick when he had someone who was willing to do it for him or was that his own misconception? At every turn, Jensen’s face would miraculously appear before Jared, and like some lovesick teenager, Jared would take a trip down memory lane remembering the good times over and over again. Jared had broken down and called Jensen, having made up his mind to do whatever he had to do to make them work but Jensen never called him back, not that Jared had been sitting by the phone waiting but still, he had expected some sort of response. It wasn't like Jensen not to touch base with him once in a while, even when they weren't on speaking terms. And it made Jared think that he had gone overboard, hurt Jensen’s feelings more than he had imagined and had destroyed a good thing because he was being a coward. It did make sense, a lot of sense. Finally Jared came out of the shower, hurriedly putting on some clothes and heading over to Jensen’s apartment. Jared had his words all formulated,
Jensen, baby, I'm sorry, I've been an ass, a fucking ass. I love you too.
Jared could say that. It didn't sound like such a terrible thing once he heard himself say it. Jensen said those words to him all the time and Jared could hear it in his voice, how much truth those words possessed. Jensen really did love him, body, heart and soul and Jared finally realized that. He also realized something else - nothing was stopping him from saying the same thing to Jensen. A smile spread across Jared’s face as he thought about how Jensen might react to that. Maybe he would throw himself into Jared’s arms and sob or he would tear Jared’s clothes off and beg Jared to fuck him. Either scenario was good enough for Jared.
_______________________________
"I can't talk now, Jared."
Jared had not expected to hear that, not after he had geared himself up for it.
"What?"
"I'm busy," Jensen said, his eyes avoiding Jared’s. Something was up, something was definitely up, and Jared could feel it.
"Doing what?"
"I don't want to talk about it," Jensen hesitated and then continued with, "You should have called."
"Since when do I have to call to see you?" Jared continued, his hands crossed over his chest.
"I just...if you would have called, I would have told you I had plans for tonight."
"Plans? With who?" Jared questioned.
"A friend."
'A friend my ass', Jared thought. Jensen was acting like a little boy who got caught dipping his hand in the cookie jar. Jared just wondered whose cookie jar it was.
Changing the subject Jared said, "Did you get my messages?"
Jensen looked down at his feet and then back at Jared, "Yeah."
"And?"
"And, I've um...I've been busy."
"Too busy to call your man back?"
"Jared,-" he started.
"This is what you wanted, isn't it? You wanted me to make a commitment and now that I'm doing it, you want to find any and every excuse you can not to follow through. What the fuck's going on, Jensen?"
"Nothing, I just, I.... I just need some space, OK? I need some time to think about this."
"Time?"
"Yes, time. I just don't think we're on the same wave length and I don't feel...I don't feel right about throwing myself at you when,-"
Jared cut him off, "Is that what you think you're doing?"
"Well, yeah. I don't want to feel so...um…so dependent on you. I need to be able to do things on my own, be a man about it."
So that was what that was about. Jared mentally kicked himself for putting himself in that position. If he had not gone and called Jensen a ‘pussy’, he would not have been feeling the way he was.
"Jensen,-" Jared started and stopped as Jensen covered Jared’s mouth with his hand.
"No, you were right...about everything. I didn't appreciate the way you said it but you were right and I realize that now, I really do. I hate having to feel like my life revolves around you because it doesn't. And...and I think that maybe we should separate for a while."
Jared did not hear a word Jensen was saying after he made that statement. Separate? Separate! After all that soul searching he had just done, Jensen wanted to separate.
"I don't think we need to do that. I'm done, Jensen. I'm done with the album. I got some free time now."
Jensen’s face distorted and a scowl took over, "You mean that now you have time for me.”
"I didn't say that. Why are you always putting words in my mouth?"
"Whatever, it doesn't even matter anymore. I just need some time away from you, time to see if we're being realistic about us."
Jared was not getting it and he told Jensen so.
"I don't know how to explain it any better, Jared. I just don't feel that I've been thinking about this relationship realistically, maybe I was expecting too much from it and us,-"
"No, you weren't," Jared interjected, "You were right about everything. I know if I give it my all, we can make it work. I want it to work," Jared paused and took a deep breath, ready to tell Jensen what he had been waiting to hear forever, "I love,-"
Jared never got to finish as a car pulled into the driveway and shone its bright headlights in their direction. He beeped once, twice and then a third time.
"I have to go," Jensen stated.
"Who is that?" Jared could clearly make out the outline of a man in the driver side.
"Chris. We are going out," The way Jensen blushed when he said that, Jared knew Jensen was lying.
"Are you fucking him?" Jared asked angrily grabbing Jensen’s arm as he attempted to walk away from him.
Jensen pulled his arm from Jared’s embrace, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He cried angrily.
"What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with me?! What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I don't want to get into this with you right now Jared. I think you need to leave and go somewhere to cool off."
"Don't tell me what the fuck I need to do, ok! I come here to tell you I want to make us work and all I get is shit from you," Jared didn't even wait for Jensen to respond. He pushed past Jensen, down the driveway and in the direction of his own car.
"Jared, wait!" Jensen called out, but Jared ignored him, "Jared, please wait," Again Jared ignored him and jumped into his car and started the engine. Just as he was about to drive off, Jensen appeared by his driver side window, "Don't leave like this, please, I...I can explain," Jensen stated, desperation lacing his voice.
"I don't wanna hear it, Jensen."
"It's not what you think."
"Oh really? Well you know what, it doesn’t even matter. I'm just glad I got to see this, see what I was getting my ass into. I came here to..." Jared didn't finish his sentence, he couldn't.
"Jensen? You coming or what? I got reservations for eight," Chris shouted from his car.
"Looks like your man is waiting for you," Jared stated, not looking at Jensen.
"He's not my man, Jared."
"Whatever! Just go, man. I think you're right. A separation might be good for us." Jared saw the despair in Jensen’s face and knew he had regretted bringing up the idea.
"Jared..."
Jared didn't allow Jensen to finish. How could he when Jared had driven halfway down the block?
How the hell did I ever get myself into this situation? I am paying out of my ass to keep Patrick quiet while trying to hide the other side of my life from everyone else. On top of that, Jensen seems to be having a change of heart about the whole situation. All of this hassle for what?
And not for the first time, Jared wished for things to go back to the way they were.
Chapter 22
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By the way, I totally agree with Jensen trying to find his own future, Jared or not, but the end of this chapter make me worry: Jared never listen, Jensen alway too much softy and Patrick is still around.
Honey, well damn good job!
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I feel so bad for Jensen now, Chirst is leaving and Jared is being an asshole! Hope something wonderful will happen to him and able to go through this hard time.
Jared you are being an asshole, hope you learn ur lesson soon, because I like Jensen to be with you... that is only reason that I will forgive you if stop being so stupid.
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The boys just can't seem to say what they mean when they talked, they need to be locked in somewhere until they can talk things out
Looking forward to the next update
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Are you EVER going to stop torturing us?
Another superb chapter, of course!
Love, Robin
Editor, SUPERNATURAL synopses moogi.com
Season 4 complete and read
for your reading pleasure!