Leap of Faith - Chapter 27 Part I
Mar. 4th, 2010 12:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Leap of Faith
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 4,850
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.
Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 27 - Part I:
Jensen walked out of the bathroom and was about to crawl back into bed when he caught a glimpse of Jared pacing up and down the length of the living room. It hurt him to know that he was partially to blame for Jared’s predicament. There he was, in Jared’s house, sleeping in his big comfy bed while Jared was outside on that small, uncomfortable couch. He felt guilty and he knew he deserved to feel that way. Knowing that Jared was out there, not sleeping made it all the more difficult for Jensen to fall asleep.
Thinking back, Jensen could not even remember what had started that stupid argument that had them both in a state of misery. With that in mind, Jensen was determined to settle things immediately. He walked out into the living room and just watched for a moment as Jared rubbed the back of his neck, a sure sign that he was in a state of uncertainty. Jared looked so beautiful just standing there, his profile towards Jensen, giving him a glimpse of what he had coming to him if he was just willing to take a chance. Jensen made the decision in one breath to go talk to him.
As Jensen approached Jared, he turned to Jensen, the shadows playing light and dark off his features.
"Couldn't sleep?" Jared asked, keeping his hands shoved in his front pockets.
"No. You either?"
"No. I've been up half the night trying to think of what started this stupid fight between us," Jared stated.
"And did you remember?" Jensen asked hesitantly.
"No," he replied.
For a while, they just stood there staring at each other and then one of them finally made a move. Jared moved to Jensen with two quick steps and embraced him.
"Oh Jared, I'm so sorry about tonight. I love you so much. I didn't mean to be so indifferent. I appreciate you so fucking much," Jensen was like a runaway train without brakes, unable to stop his flow of words. Jared seemed to understand though and continued to hold him.
"I know you do baby, I know you do and I love you because of it. We're going to get through this, I promise you. We're going to get through whatever, Jen. I promise you that."
That was all it took for Jensen to reach up and wrap his arms around Jared’s neck, pulling his lips closer to his. It was a passionate kiss and Jensen yearned for more. Not necessarily the sexual aspect of it but more so the closeness to Jared that it allowed him to experience.
As the kiss became more passionate, Jensen pulled away from Jared and walked into the bedroom. Jared followed and soon enough they were both in the comfort of Jared’s bed. Jensen could feel Jared’s arousal through his boxers as Jared lay on top of him and his lips once again found Jensen’s. Jensen was on the verge of telling Jared that he did not want them to have sex but Jared already seemed to understand as he rolled from on top of Jensen and began spooning him from behind. His hand found Jensen’s under the covers and as Jensen closed his eyes, sleep so close, he could feel Jared’s breath on his neck and Jared’s proclamation of love resounding in his ears. It was all he needed to fall into a dreamless, tranquil sleep.
_______________________________
The time had come for them ‘to do or die.’ After the previous night, Jared just wanted to give up everything if it meant living like that for the rest of his life, and he knew that it was sounding like a decision made in the heat of the moment but it was not. It was a long time coming. It was not a matter of ‘if’, anymore. It was going to happen and it was going to happen that day. Jensen had wanted to go with Jared when he went to speak with Matt but Jared had refused. Jared felt like it was something he had to do on his own and he had let Jensen know that.
"I know you want to help, Jensen, but I need to do this on my own. Having you there is going to be more of a distraction than anything else."
Jensen frowned, "A distraction? How am I going to be a distraction, Jared?"
"You know how. How is it going to look if I'm trying to have a serious conversation with Matt and I keep looking at you?"
Jensen frowned, did a double-take and started to laugh, "Funny, funny. You need to learn a little thing called self-control! But seriously though, I know this is not going to be an easy thing for you. I want to be there just in case...," his voice trailed off and his eyes left Jared’s.
Jared knew what Jensen was worried about. He knew that Jensen had every right to be feeling like that. The added stress of him going to watch Jared’s back was something he didn’t need. Jared could handle himself, and he had to let Jensen know that.
"Jensen, I know what you're worried about, and I'm not going to tell you not to worry, but you can't stress yourself out over something that hasn’t even happened yet. How do you think it's going to make me feel if I have to worry about you while I'm in there discussing my career?" Jared paused and gauged Jensen’s reaction. He seemed to understand what Jared was saying, but he didn't speak, "Everything is going to be okay, baby. I'm just going to go in there and tell him what's up. And as soon as I'm done, I'm going to call you."
Jensen smiled a bit, but Jared could see through it. It wasn't how he was feeling.
"You promise to call me as soon as you're done?" Jensen asked, anxiety plastered all over his face.
"Yes, I promise."
"And if there's a problem, you promise to call me?"
"Yes, I promise."
"And no matter what happens in there, you promise you won't change your mind about us?"
Jared was about to say ‘yes’, and stopped. He had not been expecting that question from Jensen.
"Is that what this is all about? You think I'm going to back down?" Jared asked.
"No... I just don't.... Okay, yes. I'm sorry for feeling that way, Jared, but I can't help it, I just do," Jensen began shaking, despite the temperature, and Jared pulled him into his arms.
"You think I actually give a damn what they have to say about us? I don't, Jensen. I'm just giving Matt and the rest of them a heads-up of what I plan to do so they can either jump on the bandwagon or not. Whatever they say won't change the fact that I'm going to come out, it won't. And as for us, we're solid. You hear me, Jensen? We're solid. You think I was actually going to let them mess with what we have?" The more Jared spoke, the more he was convinced that he was making the right decision.
Jensen grabbed onto his waist and held it tightly.
"No matter what, know that I'm here for you, no matter what. You understand, Jared? No matter what," he whispered.
Jared pulled away from him and kissed the top of his forehead.
"I have to go, Jensen, but don't worry. I'm going to be fine and so are you. Why don't you take a drive out of the city for a while? Get away, go have coffee or something. Just do something to get your mind off this."
"Do you really expect me to go and enjoy myself while you're trying to explain your lifestyle to them? You can't be serious. I think I'll just stay right here till you get back."
By the look on Jensen’s face, Jared knew there was no convincing him otherwise, so he gave up. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was coming close to twelve-thirty, and if he hoped to beat the traffic, he would have to leave soon.
"I should go. You sure you don't want to go out and,-"
"I'm sure. I'll just stay here and try to clean up this pig sty you have," Jared looked up at Jensen and saw the smirk on his face.
"You think my place is a pig sty?" Jared challenged.
"Oh please, Jared. You live worse than a pig. Your clothes are all over the place, not to mention the fact that you haven't done laundry in God knows how long."
"Ha, and whose fault is that?" Jensen knew what Jared was saying, and it made him blush. If they hadn't been trying to launder each other, things would have been done, but it was worth every second, and Jared never regretted it.
"Okay, okay. Don't start something you can't finish. You'd better get going."
"Yeah, I better. Are you going to be here all day?"
"Yeah, so call me as soon as you tell him."
"I will," Jared said and with that, he leaned in and kissed Jensen gently on the lips. A minute later, Jensen watched Jared get into his car, back out of the driveway, and then take off.
_______________________________
"So, what's the big announcement?" Matt asked.
Jared opened his mouth to say something, but the words seemed stuck in the back of his throat. Jared had it all planned out. How he was going to break the news to Matt, Matt’s predicted reaction, right down to how he was going to gracefully make his exit, but being there, being in front of Matt, all of that planning suddenly evaded Jared.
"Jared, are you okay, man? You look a little dehydrated. You want a Coke or something?"Matt asked, getting up to head over to the bar. Jared nodded, and clasped his hands in his lap.
Matt came back over with a chilled soda and handed it to Jared.
"Now, again, what's the big announcement?" Matt asked, seating himself across from Jared with his Coke in hand.
Jared found his voice and began talking, "Do you remember a while ago, after the trip to Hawaii, you asked me if I had met somebody?"
A smile lit up his face, "Yeah, I remembered! You were so off the hook. Still are."
"Well, at the time, I told you I hadn't met somebody... but, I lied."
"So you did, Jared, so you did. So now what? You here to tell me you are getting married, or is your girl pregnant, or what?"
"No, man, it is nothing like that, but something did happen with me and somebody. I mean I'm with somebody right now, and I'm going to continue being with them no matter what, and I just felt that it's about time I told you about it," Jared was still beating around the bush but at least he had made the first move.
"Well! Good for you! You seemed nervous coming in here today. I thought you were going to tell me the worst, but this is good news. So, who is this woman that done swept you off your feet?"
"Well, you see... I um... it's um... I um... it's a... Fuck!" Jared could not do it! He was just looking across at Matt who was looking across at Jared, and realized he couldn't do it! He got up from his chair and walked towards the door, ready to get the hell out of there, but Matt stopped him with two simple, yet complicated words.
"I know."
Jared didn't know what to think. How could Matt know? What did he know?
"You know what?" Jared asked coyly, hoping that Matt would not pick up on the nervousness in his voice.
"Fuck! Jared! Stop beating around the bush with me, man. I know you better than you even know yourself. I know about what you've been going through with Patrick, I know about him blackmailing you," In a lower tone Matt stated, "I know you and him... messed around, too. I know all about it."
Jared froze in his tracks. How could Matt know all that?
Fuck! Patrick has gone behind my back and told Matt!
Jared was ready and willing to take that son of a bitch out when Matt spoke again.
"I had a private detective follow you."
"What?!"
"I had a private detective follow you," Matt stated again.
"No, no, that’s not even true! I would have known if I was being followed."
"No, you wouldn't. This guy is a pro. He used to work Secret Service for the White House. You wouldn't have spotted him among a row of trees. He's that good."
It made Jared think back to every incident he recalled involving him and Patrick. He was careful, he was so fucking careful.
"I was hoping you would have stepped up and clued me in on what was going on," Matt stated, actually having the nerve to sound disappointed, and it made Jared so angry.
"Well, I was hoping I could have some fucking trust in me from my management! Where the fuck do you get off fucking following me around?" Jared screamed, suddenly becoming irate.
"Well, if you were being upfront with me in the first place, I wouldn't have to spend almost ten grand for this little job. I fucking thought you were strung out on something. I expected him to come back and tell me you were a crack head or something, but not this shit, not this. I'm your manager and you fucking keep this from me, Jared! You know what information like this can do to your career?"
"Fuck you, man! You think I haven’t been thinking about this?! This has been like a fucking dark cloud hanging over my fucking head for months now, for months! Every time I try to block it out, it keeps coming back to haunt me, so don't fucking insinuate that I haven’t been thinking about my career!"
Things had gotten heated and Jared just wanted to get the hell out of there, but something stopped him. He realized that he had opened Pandora's Box, and there was no sense in closing it now. He might as well just let everything out, and let the chips fall wherever the fuck they wanted to fall.
"And you know what else? I'm seeing someone, a man, okay? And guess what else? It's Jensen! We've been boning since Hawaii and we haven’t come up for air yet, and you want to know something else, too? I love that and I love him too, so you can fucking take that information and do whatever the fuck you want with it. I'm done with it, the writing, the singing, the performing, I'm fucking done! This damn career almost ruined my fucking life and I want it back!"
After that declaration Jared had expected to be pounced on by security, but all he was greeted with was silence. Matt had a stone-cold expression on his face and he imagined so did he, and not for the first time since coming in here, Jared wished Jensen was there with him.
After what seemed like forever, Matt spoke, “Answer me one thing, Jared? Is this just a passing thing, or is this going to be an ongoing lifestyle for you?"
Jared did not even have to think about his answer, "It's the way it is, man. I can't change it, and I don't think I'd want to, anyway."
"One more thing, what the fuck was the thing between you and Patrick?"
"It was a fucking mistake, that's what it was. I wasn't in my right frame of mind, and that jerk took advantage of me and the situation."
Matt looked at Jared once, excused himself, and went over to the bar. He fixed two glasses of rum and Coke, walked over and handed Jared one. He took a seat opposite Jared and took a long swig of his drink.
"Okay, here's the deal. I don't care who you want to fuck. I might not agree with it, but it's your business. Secondly, assuming I'm still management, I assume you told me ‘cause you eventually want to take this public. All I got to say about that is that shit is going to fly, trust me! You have some diehard fans out there, Jared, and not all of them are going to appreciate the fact that you'd rather fuck a man than a woman. Thirdly, if we're going to get through this, I need you to be honest about everything, even the smallest detail. With that said and done, is there anything you want to tell me?"
Jared was still in shock of Matt’s declaration to even think straight, much less speak. He had his expectations, but that sure as Hell was not one of them. Jared took a few seconds, and a few sips, to gather his thoughts.
"Patrick took some pictures of us fucking. I don't know how, but he did, and he's been blackmailing me for a while now. That's what's up with all the discrepancies in the account. He told me that if I didn't pay him, he was going to sell them to the tabloids, so I did."
"How much?"
"Too fucking much!"
Matt sighed, "I never trusted that son of a bitch. We're going to have to fix that, but first we got to deal with what we're going to do about you and your career. If this is going to come out, it should come from you, not from some sleazy tabloid, and not after the fact."
"I agree."
"And you should be prepared to deal with some heavy shit, Jared. I'm not talking light bantering, but some heavy-duty shit. People stalking you, the hate mail, threatening phone calls, the media fucking with your life, with Jensen's life, all of that is going to come into play. It's up to you, though, how you're going to handle it. You could handle it like an asshole, or you could handle like the number one R & B star that you are. You think you're ready for this?"
"I know I am not ready for this, but I'm going to do it. My life depends on it."
"Well, if we're going to do this right, we're going to have to get a good press guy in here, and I think I know the perfect guy."
Jared was curious as to who Matt was referring to, so he asked.
"Well, the good thing is that you have met, and he knows every nook and cranny of your life and career."
"Uh, please don't tell me this is some obsessed guy," Jared begged. He had met enough of those over the span of his career.
"No. This kid knows the ropes like no other, and he'll make this shit fly, no matter what."
"Okay, okay, I'll take your word for it. So, who is this mystery kid?"
Matt smiled at Jared brightly, and Jared knew the answer before Matt even said it, "Jensen, of course."
"No, man, no! I don't want him involved in this mess. He's been through too much already with the media. He doesn't need this aggravation."
"He is the best candidate to handle this, Jared, and you know it. This concerns him too, right?" When Jared did not answer, Matt continued, "With him and you in direct synch with each other, you'll get to say what you want to say, and there is absolutely no chance of the message not coming across as it should. If we're going to do this, we should do it right. You hear me?"
"Yeah, but I can't promise you anything. I have to check with him first, and we need to discuss things, and see how we feel about it, and I don't want any pressure while we’re doing that, OK?"
"OK," Matt looked at his watch and stood up, "I hate to do this Jared, but I have another meeting at two. We'll talk later, okay, and keep in touch, alright?"
Jared stood up, too, walked over to the bar, and placed his glass on the counter.
"Alright, I have to get going too. I have someone waiting at home for me."
Jared looked at Matt face for a reaction, but it was neutral, a positive sign in and of itself. As Jared turned to walk out of Matt’s office, he stopped. He needed to ask one more thing.
"What do I do about Patrick?"
"Don't pay him another fucking penny unless I tell you to, and get a recording device for your phones. I want that son of a bitch on tape the next time he threatens to extort money from you. It could come in useful in the very near future," Matt smirked on that count, and Jared did too.
As he began walking out, Matt grabbed Jared’s arm and spun him around, and when they were face-to-face, Matt hugged him.
"Know this, Jared. I have told you this before, you are like a son to me, and I mean it. This doesn’t change a thing, you got that?"
"Yeah, Matt, I got that. I'm glad you feel that way."
"Good. Now get the hell out of my office, so I can get to my two o'clock."
Matt pretended to use his boot to kick Jared out, and Jared pretended to feel insulted. As he rode down the elevator, he let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes tight, sending up a silent prayer of thanks for the way things turned out.
_______________________________
Jensen checked his watch, for what seemed like the millionth time, and sighed. It was three o' clock, and Jared still hadn’t called. Jensen knew he said he would, and he trusted Jared’s word, but his gut was telling him that something had happened. It was like a sixth sense, and it was almost always never wrong. Just as Jensen began to fear the worst, the front door opened, and Jared walked in. Looking at his sullen expression, at first Jensen thought that things had gone awry, but then Jared did a one-eighty, and his frown turned into a smile.
"You can stop worrying, Jen, everything went fine," And with that Jared took Jensen into his arms and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Jensen let out a sigh of relief and melted into Jared’s embrace.
"Thank God," Jensen whispered, rubbing Jared’s back in a circular motion. He could feel Jared’s body tense up, and then Jared pulled away from Jensen, so that they were now face-to-face, "You've been sitting here stressing, haven't you?" Jared asked sternly.
"How could I not, Jared? You did something today that could have messed up everything you worked so hard for,-"
"And I told you I didn't give a fuck!"Jared’s voice softened, and he took Jensen’s hands in his, "Listen, Jensen, you really have got to stop putting yourself through this, OK? You're going to give yourself a heart attack. This is exactly why I didn't call. I know how wound up you can get."
Jared was right on all counts but how could he understand how Jensen felt? It was impossible. How could he possibly imagine how hard it was for Jensen to just put his faith in Jared’s hands when he was so vulnerable? A few months ago, Jared wasn't even sure if that was the lifestyle he wanted to live. How could he blame Jensen for worrying? Simply, he couldn't. But Jensen couldn't let Jared know that without starting another wave of arguments and bickering between them.
"Fine, just tell me what happened with Matt," Jensen stated.
"Things went well. I told him the situation straight up and that it was the way things were going to be from now on."
"And?"
"And, he said, okay."
"He said okay? Just like that?"
"More or less. We need each other, Jensen, that's how it is in the business. It was either he accepted the changes, or he dumps my ass and loses out. He chose to stay in. And you know what else he said?"
"What?"
"He wants you to come back as my publicist."
"Are you serious? You told him about... you know... us, and he wants me to come work for him?"
"Yes. Who better to announce the nature of our relationship than you, baby? That way, there are no misunderstandings. We're in this together. Do you want to do it?"
Of course Jensen did, but he still had one concern, "What about Patrick? You know what he said about us working together. I don't want to risk having him out you in the tabloids."
Jared shook his head and stated, "Fuck him! This isn’t about him, Jen, this is about us, you and me. We're going to do this, and we're going to do this right. When I come out, he can't hurt me with those pictures. That's why we want you to come back. We'll make a clean break with the media and let them know what's up with everything. He can't hurt us if we being honest, baby, and with Matt behind us, it doesn't matter what anybody has to say."
Jared was making it sound so easy and Jensen knew it wasn't going to be. Still, the optimistic side was something that he enjoyed hearing about.
"I'm glad that you've planned this out, Jared, but I'm still not sure about everything. You're making it out to be such an easy transition, when you know it very well could not be," Jensen stated.
"And I understand all of that, but we got to stay positive. You think I have not been thinking about the worst case scenario? I have, and it scares me to death, but I can't dwell on it. We have to deal with shit when shit happens, and take things one step at a time. Now I took the first step by coming clean with management, now it's your turn. I need to know for a fact that you aren’t going to panic, and back out on me, I need to know that, Jen."
Jared seemed to need Jensen more than ever before, and knowing that gave Jensen a warm feeling inside.
"I'm there for you, Jared. I'm not going to back out on you, or this relationship, for nothing. We're going to get through this. And if you need me to be your publicist, I'll be your publicist, but I need time. I'm not talking about a few days or a week, I need heavy-duty time, a month tops, just to put everything into perspective and to get the facts straight. Is that too long?"
Jared once again leaned into Jensen and held him there, "No, that isn’t too long. You take as much time as you need, baby. No one's going to rush you. You do whatever you need to do to make sure that we get a fair shot, and I don't want you to worry about Patrick, either. Matt and I have a plan to deal with that son of a bitch. He is going to get what's coming to him."
Just hearing Jared say that, sounding so sure of himself, managed to calm Jensen down a bit. He trusted his man and he trusted his word. He had faith in Jared and he knew that Jared would do everything in his power to see that Jensen was happy, to see that they were happy, and that they would stay that way. But knowing and accepting were two different things, and while Jensen knew that Jared would do it, he had a hard time accepting that Jared could do it, and his doubts were killing him inside. Jensen wanted so much to be able to just entrust Jared with everything, but he couldn't. This wasn't about Jared alone, but more so about them as a couple, and as a couple, it was only fair that they dealt with things together, but Jensen could see Jared’s competitive side beginning to come out. Jared wanted to be the dominant, controlling force in the situation. He wanted to take care of all their problems while he sat home and didn’t worry. It was an idealistic situation, but not the way it should play out in a relationship between two equal partners. It was not going to be that way if Jensen had anything to do with it. But as before, he couldn't say anything to Jared because he knew it would result in another petty argument, and that he could do without. So, instead of trying to argue with Jared about it, Jensen would have to sneak behind Jared’s back and do what he could. It was not the way things should have been, but it was his only option, and as Jared held him in his arms, Jensen tried to convince himself that what he was prepared to do was justified.
Chapter 27 Part II
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 4,850
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 27 - Part I:
Jensen walked out of the bathroom and was about to crawl back into bed when he caught a glimpse of Jared pacing up and down the length of the living room. It hurt him to know that he was partially to blame for Jared’s predicament. There he was, in Jared’s house, sleeping in his big comfy bed while Jared was outside on that small, uncomfortable couch. He felt guilty and he knew he deserved to feel that way. Knowing that Jared was out there, not sleeping made it all the more difficult for Jensen to fall asleep.
Thinking back, Jensen could not even remember what had started that stupid argument that had them both in a state of misery. With that in mind, Jensen was determined to settle things immediately. He walked out into the living room and just watched for a moment as Jared rubbed the back of his neck, a sure sign that he was in a state of uncertainty. Jared looked so beautiful just standing there, his profile towards Jensen, giving him a glimpse of what he had coming to him if he was just willing to take a chance. Jensen made the decision in one breath to go talk to him.
As Jensen approached Jared, he turned to Jensen, the shadows playing light and dark off his features.
"Couldn't sleep?" Jared asked, keeping his hands shoved in his front pockets.
"No. You either?"
"No. I've been up half the night trying to think of what started this stupid fight between us," Jared stated.
"And did you remember?" Jensen asked hesitantly.
"No," he replied.
For a while, they just stood there staring at each other and then one of them finally made a move. Jared moved to Jensen with two quick steps and embraced him.
"Oh Jared, I'm so sorry about tonight. I love you so much. I didn't mean to be so indifferent. I appreciate you so fucking much," Jensen was like a runaway train without brakes, unable to stop his flow of words. Jared seemed to understand though and continued to hold him.
"I know you do baby, I know you do and I love you because of it. We're going to get through this, I promise you. We're going to get through whatever, Jen. I promise you that."
That was all it took for Jensen to reach up and wrap his arms around Jared’s neck, pulling his lips closer to his. It was a passionate kiss and Jensen yearned for more. Not necessarily the sexual aspect of it but more so the closeness to Jared that it allowed him to experience.
As the kiss became more passionate, Jensen pulled away from Jared and walked into the bedroom. Jared followed and soon enough they were both in the comfort of Jared’s bed. Jensen could feel Jared’s arousal through his boxers as Jared lay on top of him and his lips once again found Jensen’s. Jensen was on the verge of telling Jared that he did not want them to have sex but Jared already seemed to understand as he rolled from on top of Jensen and began spooning him from behind. His hand found Jensen’s under the covers and as Jensen closed his eyes, sleep so close, he could feel Jared’s breath on his neck and Jared’s proclamation of love resounding in his ears. It was all he needed to fall into a dreamless, tranquil sleep.
_______________________________
The time had come for them ‘to do or die.’ After the previous night, Jared just wanted to give up everything if it meant living like that for the rest of his life, and he knew that it was sounding like a decision made in the heat of the moment but it was not. It was a long time coming. It was not a matter of ‘if’, anymore. It was going to happen and it was going to happen that day. Jensen had wanted to go with Jared when he went to speak with Matt but Jared had refused. Jared felt like it was something he had to do on his own and he had let Jensen know that.
"I know you want to help, Jensen, but I need to do this on my own. Having you there is going to be more of a distraction than anything else."
Jensen frowned, "A distraction? How am I going to be a distraction, Jared?"
"You know how. How is it going to look if I'm trying to have a serious conversation with Matt and I keep looking at you?"
Jensen frowned, did a double-take and started to laugh, "Funny, funny. You need to learn a little thing called self-control! But seriously though, I know this is not going to be an easy thing for you. I want to be there just in case...," his voice trailed off and his eyes left Jared’s.
Jared knew what Jensen was worried about. He knew that Jensen had every right to be feeling like that. The added stress of him going to watch Jared’s back was something he didn’t need. Jared could handle himself, and he had to let Jensen know that.
"Jensen, I know what you're worried about, and I'm not going to tell you not to worry, but you can't stress yourself out over something that hasn’t even happened yet. How do you think it's going to make me feel if I have to worry about you while I'm in there discussing my career?" Jared paused and gauged Jensen’s reaction. He seemed to understand what Jared was saying, but he didn't speak, "Everything is going to be okay, baby. I'm just going to go in there and tell him what's up. And as soon as I'm done, I'm going to call you."
Jensen smiled a bit, but Jared could see through it. It wasn't how he was feeling.
"You promise to call me as soon as you're done?" Jensen asked, anxiety plastered all over his face.
"Yes, I promise."
"And if there's a problem, you promise to call me?"
"Yes, I promise."
"And no matter what happens in there, you promise you won't change your mind about us?"
Jared was about to say ‘yes’, and stopped. He had not been expecting that question from Jensen.
"Is that what this is all about? You think I'm going to back down?" Jared asked.
"No... I just don't.... Okay, yes. I'm sorry for feeling that way, Jared, but I can't help it, I just do," Jensen began shaking, despite the temperature, and Jared pulled him into his arms.
"You think I actually give a damn what they have to say about us? I don't, Jensen. I'm just giving Matt and the rest of them a heads-up of what I plan to do so they can either jump on the bandwagon or not. Whatever they say won't change the fact that I'm going to come out, it won't. And as for us, we're solid. You hear me, Jensen? We're solid. You think I was actually going to let them mess with what we have?" The more Jared spoke, the more he was convinced that he was making the right decision.
Jensen grabbed onto his waist and held it tightly.
"No matter what, know that I'm here for you, no matter what. You understand, Jared? No matter what," he whispered.
Jared pulled away from him and kissed the top of his forehead.
"I have to go, Jensen, but don't worry. I'm going to be fine and so are you. Why don't you take a drive out of the city for a while? Get away, go have coffee or something. Just do something to get your mind off this."
"Do you really expect me to go and enjoy myself while you're trying to explain your lifestyle to them? You can't be serious. I think I'll just stay right here till you get back."
By the look on Jensen’s face, Jared knew there was no convincing him otherwise, so he gave up. Looking at his watch, he saw that it was coming close to twelve-thirty, and if he hoped to beat the traffic, he would have to leave soon.
"I should go. You sure you don't want to go out and,-"
"I'm sure. I'll just stay here and try to clean up this pig sty you have," Jared looked up at Jensen and saw the smirk on his face.
"You think my place is a pig sty?" Jared challenged.
"Oh please, Jared. You live worse than a pig. Your clothes are all over the place, not to mention the fact that you haven't done laundry in God knows how long."
"Ha, and whose fault is that?" Jensen knew what Jared was saying, and it made him blush. If they hadn't been trying to launder each other, things would have been done, but it was worth every second, and Jared never regretted it.
"Okay, okay. Don't start something you can't finish. You'd better get going."
"Yeah, I better. Are you going to be here all day?"
"Yeah, so call me as soon as you tell him."
"I will," Jared said and with that, he leaned in and kissed Jensen gently on the lips. A minute later, Jensen watched Jared get into his car, back out of the driveway, and then take off.
_______________________________
"So, what's the big announcement?" Matt asked.
Jared opened his mouth to say something, but the words seemed stuck in the back of his throat. Jared had it all planned out. How he was going to break the news to Matt, Matt’s predicted reaction, right down to how he was going to gracefully make his exit, but being there, being in front of Matt, all of that planning suddenly evaded Jared.
"Jared, are you okay, man? You look a little dehydrated. You want a Coke or something?"Matt asked, getting up to head over to the bar. Jared nodded, and clasped his hands in his lap.
Matt came back over with a chilled soda and handed it to Jared.
"Now, again, what's the big announcement?" Matt asked, seating himself across from Jared with his Coke in hand.
Jared found his voice and began talking, "Do you remember a while ago, after the trip to Hawaii, you asked me if I had met somebody?"
A smile lit up his face, "Yeah, I remembered! You were so off the hook. Still are."
"Well, at the time, I told you I hadn't met somebody... but, I lied."
"So you did, Jared, so you did. So now what? You here to tell me you are getting married, or is your girl pregnant, or what?"
"No, man, it is nothing like that, but something did happen with me and somebody. I mean I'm with somebody right now, and I'm going to continue being with them no matter what, and I just felt that it's about time I told you about it," Jared was still beating around the bush but at least he had made the first move.
"Well! Good for you! You seemed nervous coming in here today. I thought you were going to tell me the worst, but this is good news. So, who is this woman that done swept you off your feet?"
"Well, you see... I um... it's um... I um... it's a... Fuck!" Jared could not do it! He was just looking across at Matt who was looking across at Jared, and realized he couldn't do it! He got up from his chair and walked towards the door, ready to get the hell out of there, but Matt stopped him with two simple, yet complicated words.
"I know."
Jared didn't know what to think. How could Matt know? What did he know?
"You know what?" Jared asked coyly, hoping that Matt would not pick up on the nervousness in his voice.
"Fuck! Jared! Stop beating around the bush with me, man. I know you better than you even know yourself. I know about what you've been going through with Patrick, I know about him blackmailing you," In a lower tone Matt stated, "I know you and him... messed around, too. I know all about it."
Jared froze in his tracks. How could Matt know all that?
Fuck! Patrick has gone behind my back and told Matt!
Jared was ready and willing to take that son of a bitch out when Matt spoke again.
"I had a private detective follow you."
"What?!"
"I had a private detective follow you," Matt stated again.
"No, no, that’s not even true! I would have known if I was being followed."
"No, you wouldn't. This guy is a pro. He used to work Secret Service for the White House. You wouldn't have spotted him among a row of trees. He's that good."
It made Jared think back to every incident he recalled involving him and Patrick. He was careful, he was so fucking careful.
"I was hoping you would have stepped up and clued me in on what was going on," Matt stated, actually having the nerve to sound disappointed, and it made Jared so angry.
"Well, I was hoping I could have some fucking trust in me from my management! Where the fuck do you get off fucking following me around?" Jared screamed, suddenly becoming irate.
"Well, if you were being upfront with me in the first place, I wouldn't have to spend almost ten grand for this little job. I fucking thought you were strung out on something. I expected him to come back and tell me you were a crack head or something, but not this shit, not this. I'm your manager and you fucking keep this from me, Jared! You know what information like this can do to your career?"
"Fuck you, man! You think I haven’t been thinking about this?! This has been like a fucking dark cloud hanging over my fucking head for months now, for months! Every time I try to block it out, it keeps coming back to haunt me, so don't fucking insinuate that I haven’t been thinking about my career!"
Things had gotten heated and Jared just wanted to get the hell out of there, but something stopped him. He realized that he had opened Pandora's Box, and there was no sense in closing it now. He might as well just let everything out, and let the chips fall wherever the fuck they wanted to fall.
"And you know what else? I'm seeing someone, a man, okay? And guess what else? It's Jensen! We've been boning since Hawaii and we haven’t come up for air yet, and you want to know something else, too? I love that and I love him too, so you can fucking take that information and do whatever the fuck you want with it. I'm done with it, the writing, the singing, the performing, I'm fucking done! This damn career almost ruined my fucking life and I want it back!"
After that declaration Jared had expected to be pounced on by security, but all he was greeted with was silence. Matt had a stone-cold expression on his face and he imagined so did he, and not for the first time since coming in here, Jared wished Jensen was there with him.
After what seemed like forever, Matt spoke, “Answer me one thing, Jared? Is this just a passing thing, or is this going to be an ongoing lifestyle for you?"
Jared did not even have to think about his answer, "It's the way it is, man. I can't change it, and I don't think I'd want to, anyway."
"One more thing, what the fuck was the thing between you and Patrick?"
"It was a fucking mistake, that's what it was. I wasn't in my right frame of mind, and that jerk took advantage of me and the situation."
Matt looked at Jared once, excused himself, and went over to the bar. He fixed two glasses of rum and Coke, walked over and handed Jared one. He took a seat opposite Jared and took a long swig of his drink.
"Okay, here's the deal. I don't care who you want to fuck. I might not agree with it, but it's your business. Secondly, assuming I'm still management, I assume you told me ‘cause you eventually want to take this public. All I got to say about that is that shit is going to fly, trust me! You have some diehard fans out there, Jared, and not all of them are going to appreciate the fact that you'd rather fuck a man than a woman. Thirdly, if we're going to get through this, I need you to be honest about everything, even the smallest detail. With that said and done, is there anything you want to tell me?"
Jared was still in shock of Matt’s declaration to even think straight, much less speak. He had his expectations, but that sure as Hell was not one of them. Jared took a few seconds, and a few sips, to gather his thoughts.
"Patrick took some pictures of us fucking. I don't know how, but he did, and he's been blackmailing me for a while now. That's what's up with all the discrepancies in the account. He told me that if I didn't pay him, he was going to sell them to the tabloids, so I did."
"How much?"
"Too fucking much!"
Matt sighed, "I never trusted that son of a bitch. We're going to have to fix that, but first we got to deal with what we're going to do about you and your career. If this is going to come out, it should come from you, not from some sleazy tabloid, and not after the fact."
"I agree."
"And you should be prepared to deal with some heavy shit, Jared. I'm not talking light bantering, but some heavy-duty shit. People stalking you, the hate mail, threatening phone calls, the media fucking with your life, with Jensen's life, all of that is going to come into play. It's up to you, though, how you're going to handle it. You could handle it like an asshole, or you could handle like the number one R & B star that you are. You think you're ready for this?"
"I know I am not ready for this, but I'm going to do it. My life depends on it."
"Well, if we're going to do this right, we're going to have to get a good press guy in here, and I think I know the perfect guy."
Jared was curious as to who Matt was referring to, so he asked.
"Well, the good thing is that you have met, and he knows every nook and cranny of your life and career."
"Uh, please don't tell me this is some obsessed guy," Jared begged. He had met enough of those over the span of his career.
"No. This kid knows the ropes like no other, and he'll make this shit fly, no matter what."
"Okay, okay, I'll take your word for it. So, who is this mystery kid?"
Matt smiled at Jared brightly, and Jared knew the answer before Matt even said it, "Jensen, of course."
"No, man, no! I don't want him involved in this mess. He's been through too much already with the media. He doesn't need this aggravation."
"He is the best candidate to handle this, Jared, and you know it. This concerns him too, right?" When Jared did not answer, Matt continued, "With him and you in direct synch with each other, you'll get to say what you want to say, and there is absolutely no chance of the message not coming across as it should. If we're going to do this, we should do it right. You hear me?"
"Yeah, but I can't promise you anything. I have to check with him first, and we need to discuss things, and see how we feel about it, and I don't want any pressure while we’re doing that, OK?"
"OK," Matt looked at his watch and stood up, "I hate to do this Jared, but I have another meeting at two. We'll talk later, okay, and keep in touch, alright?"
Jared stood up, too, walked over to the bar, and placed his glass on the counter.
"Alright, I have to get going too. I have someone waiting at home for me."
Jared looked at Matt face for a reaction, but it was neutral, a positive sign in and of itself. As Jared turned to walk out of Matt’s office, he stopped. He needed to ask one more thing.
"What do I do about Patrick?"
"Don't pay him another fucking penny unless I tell you to, and get a recording device for your phones. I want that son of a bitch on tape the next time he threatens to extort money from you. It could come in useful in the very near future," Matt smirked on that count, and Jared did too.
As he began walking out, Matt grabbed Jared’s arm and spun him around, and when they were face-to-face, Matt hugged him.
"Know this, Jared. I have told you this before, you are like a son to me, and I mean it. This doesn’t change a thing, you got that?"
"Yeah, Matt, I got that. I'm glad you feel that way."
"Good. Now get the hell out of my office, so I can get to my two o'clock."
Matt pretended to use his boot to kick Jared out, and Jared pretended to feel insulted. As he rode down the elevator, he let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes tight, sending up a silent prayer of thanks for the way things turned out.
_______________________________
Jensen checked his watch, for what seemed like the millionth time, and sighed. It was three o' clock, and Jared still hadn’t called. Jensen knew he said he would, and he trusted Jared’s word, but his gut was telling him that something had happened. It was like a sixth sense, and it was almost always never wrong. Just as Jensen began to fear the worst, the front door opened, and Jared walked in. Looking at his sullen expression, at first Jensen thought that things had gone awry, but then Jared did a one-eighty, and his frown turned into a smile.
"You can stop worrying, Jen, everything went fine," And with that Jared took Jensen into his arms and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Jensen let out a sigh of relief and melted into Jared’s embrace.
"Thank God," Jensen whispered, rubbing Jared’s back in a circular motion. He could feel Jared’s body tense up, and then Jared pulled away from Jensen, so that they were now face-to-face, "You've been sitting here stressing, haven't you?" Jared asked sternly.
"How could I not, Jared? You did something today that could have messed up everything you worked so hard for,-"
"And I told you I didn't give a fuck!"Jared’s voice softened, and he took Jensen’s hands in his, "Listen, Jensen, you really have got to stop putting yourself through this, OK? You're going to give yourself a heart attack. This is exactly why I didn't call. I know how wound up you can get."
Jared was right on all counts but how could he understand how Jensen felt? It was impossible. How could he possibly imagine how hard it was for Jensen to just put his faith in Jared’s hands when he was so vulnerable? A few months ago, Jared wasn't even sure if that was the lifestyle he wanted to live. How could he blame Jensen for worrying? Simply, he couldn't. But Jensen couldn't let Jared know that without starting another wave of arguments and bickering between them.
"Fine, just tell me what happened with Matt," Jensen stated.
"Things went well. I told him the situation straight up and that it was the way things were going to be from now on."
"And?"
"And, he said, okay."
"He said okay? Just like that?"
"More or less. We need each other, Jensen, that's how it is in the business. It was either he accepted the changes, or he dumps my ass and loses out. He chose to stay in. And you know what else he said?"
"What?"
"He wants you to come back as my publicist."
"Are you serious? You told him about... you know... us, and he wants me to come work for him?"
"Yes. Who better to announce the nature of our relationship than you, baby? That way, there are no misunderstandings. We're in this together. Do you want to do it?"
Of course Jensen did, but he still had one concern, "What about Patrick? You know what he said about us working together. I don't want to risk having him out you in the tabloids."
Jared shook his head and stated, "Fuck him! This isn’t about him, Jen, this is about us, you and me. We're going to do this, and we're going to do this right. When I come out, he can't hurt me with those pictures. That's why we want you to come back. We'll make a clean break with the media and let them know what's up with everything. He can't hurt us if we being honest, baby, and with Matt behind us, it doesn't matter what anybody has to say."
Jared was making it sound so easy and Jensen knew it wasn't going to be. Still, the optimistic side was something that he enjoyed hearing about.
"I'm glad that you've planned this out, Jared, but I'm still not sure about everything. You're making it out to be such an easy transition, when you know it very well could not be," Jensen stated.
"And I understand all of that, but we got to stay positive. You think I have not been thinking about the worst case scenario? I have, and it scares me to death, but I can't dwell on it. We have to deal with shit when shit happens, and take things one step at a time. Now I took the first step by coming clean with management, now it's your turn. I need to know for a fact that you aren’t going to panic, and back out on me, I need to know that, Jen."
Jared seemed to need Jensen more than ever before, and knowing that gave Jensen a warm feeling inside.
"I'm there for you, Jared. I'm not going to back out on you, or this relationship, for nothing. We're going to get through this. And if you need me to be your publicist, I'll be your publicist, but I need time. I'm not talking about a few days or a week, I need heavy-duty time, a month tops, just to put everything into perspective and to get the facts straight. Is that too long?"
Jared once again leaned into Jensen and held him there, "No, that isn’t too long. You take as much time as you need, baby. No one's going to rush you. You do whatever you need to do to make sure that we get a fair shot, and I don't want you to worry about Patrick, either. Matt and I have a plan to deal with that son of a bitch. He is going to get what's coming to him."
Just hearing Jared say that, sounding so sure of himself, managed to calm Jensen down a bit. He trusted his man and he trusted his word. He had faith in Jared and he knew that Jared would do everything in his power to see that Jensen was happy, to see that they were happy, and that they would stay that way. But knowing and accepting were two different things, and while Jensen knew that Jared would do it, he had a hard time accepting that Jared could do it, and his doubts were killing him inside. Jensen wanted so much to be able to just entrust Jared with everything, but he couldn't. This wasn't about Jared alone, but more so about them as a couple, and as a couple, it was only fair that they dealt with things together, but Jensen could see Jared’s competitive side beginning to come out. Jared wanted to be the dominant, controlling force in the situation. He wanted to take care of all their problems while he sat home and didn’t worry. It was an idealistic situation, but not the way it should play out in a relationship between two equal partners. It was not going to be that way if Jensen had anything to do with it. But as before, he couldn't say anything to Jared because he knew it would result in another petty argument, and that he could do without. So, instead of trying to argue with Jared about it, Jensen would have to sneak behind Jared’s back and do what he could. It was not the way things should have been, but it was his only option, and as Jared held him in his arms, Jensen tried to convince himself that what he was prepared to do was justified.
Chapter 27 Part II
