Leap of Faith - Chapter 32
Mar. 31st, 2010 02:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Leap of Faith
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 3,799
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.
Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 32
Two Months Later
Jared held onto the parallel bars like his life depended on it, and ever so slowly, he hoisted himself up. It hurt like hell to have to put all his body weight onto his arms, but Jared knew that was what he had to do if he didn't want to end up being a cripple for the rest of his life. Jared knew he had a slim chance. That's been what the doctor had told him, point blank.
"It doesn't look good, Jared, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it your all in physical therapy. If we can get your muscle strength back, then just maybe in a year or two, you may be able to have some form of mobility with your legs."
Jared knew that he probably should have been grateful that he was even alive after the pounding he took from the bullets, but he wasn't. He didn't have his career, he didn't have use of his legs, and above all, he was of no use to anybody, especially Jensen. Jared couldn't even function as a man anymore. They had tried once or twice but with no success and all Jensen could do was to give him a strained smile and say, "It's gonna be alright, babe." Jared knew Jensen was being polite, but he pretended that everything was fine, especially him, and went about his therapy sessions.
"You're doing great, Jared, just hold on a little bit longer, just a few minutes more."
The voice of his physical therapist brought Jared back to the present and he let her words wash over him as did the sweat that was beginning to cascade down his back, as if he had just taken a shower.
"You're doing well, Jared. You're doing really well. Now, how about we take five?" With that, she walked up to Jared, encircled his waist and gently helped him into the waiting wheelchair that had been kept in close proximity to where they were working. Jared eased into it with a sickening thud and let out a deep breath.
"Tired?" She asked, handing Jared a towel.
"Yeah, I think I've had enough for the day," Jared stated, taking it from her and wiping his face with it. They had been at it for almost an hour and a half and Jared felt as if he was ready to pass out, not only from the strenuous exercises, but also from not having had breakfast that morning. Of course he had told her he had, just to keep her off his back, and he had told Jensen the same thing this morning when he had asked.
[Flashback]
"What did you have?" Jensen asked, eyeing Jared suspiciously from across the room. Jared could not help but thinking that Jensen seemed to be doing a lot of that lately, standing across the room, away from him, unconsciously distancing himself from Jared and the situation. After all, Jensen hadn't signed up to be taking care of a cripple.
"Some toast." Jared stated.
"Is that it? You know you need more than that Jared. Let me make you some eggs and bacon."
Jared stopped him from even making a move towards the stove.
"I told you, I already ate," Jared said, a little too hotly.
"Then where's the bowl? Where's the spoon?" Jensen challenged, hands folded across his chest.
"I washed it."
"The sink's dry."
Jared had enough of Jensen quizzing him like he had the right, like he had any idea what Jared was going through, and he told him so, "Just back off, Jensen! I said I ate! And I don't need for you to be running around after me like I'm your fucking kid; I can take care of myself!"
"Can you?" Jensen retorted, only to look at Jared with regret seconds later, "Jared, babe, I'm sorry," Jensen started to say, and made a move towards Jared.
Jared panicked though, and not wanting Jensen to touch him, he tried to wheel himself backwards and forgot all about the landing with three stairs that had never bothered him in the past. He fell over in the chair and narrowly missed hitting his head on the side of the wall. He heard Jensen shout his name and run over to help him, pulling the heavy chair away from Jared and making an attempt to help him up.
"Get the fuck off me!" Jared screamed, managing to startle Jensen and himself. Jared had been a silent grump up until that moment, but things had managed to bubble to the surface, and come out in the nastiest way possible.
"Just don't fucking touch me, alright! I can fucking take care of myself," Jensen had no choice but to stand by silently and watch Jared struggle for almost fifteen minutes to get the chair upright, and his body into it, before finally wheeling himself into their bedroom and closing the door behind him. Jared thought Jensen would have followed and couldn't decide if he was grateful or disappointed when Jensen didn't. When it was time to go to the hospital to see the therapist, Jensen knocked on the door and told Jared that he was going to start the van and that he would meet him outside. Jared heard the pain in his voice when he said it, but he did nothing but sit and listen. They drove in an uncomfortable silence all the way over to the hospital, and when the therapist asked him if he was staying, he declined, saying that he had something else to do for the day. Jared felt bad about what had happened, but not bad enough to beg Jensen to stay, not bad enough to put aside his own feelings, and try to understand a fraction of what Jensen must have been going through.
[/Flashback]
Jared shook all thoughts of Jensen and that morning out of his head just in time to hear the therapist's question.
"So, is Jensen meeting us in here, or should we go outside and wait for him?"
They had not discussed whether or not Jensen would be coming back for Jared, even though most often than not, he did.
"No, I think I'm going to take a van back to my place."
"OK, well let me call ‘Access-A-Ride’ and see how long it'll take them to get here. I'll be back soon," And with that, she walked out of the therapy room, leaving Jared alone with his thoughts. The thing was, though, he didn't have any thoughts or feelings that he wanted the time to think about. If anything, he wanted to keep busy, to keep his mind off of what was happening in his life right at that moment. To keep his mind off the fact that his relationship was once again heading for disaster, to keep his mind off the fact that his life was never going to be the same, and most importantly, to keep his mind off the fact that deep down inside, he actually wished that Patrick's bullet had fatally wounded him, wished that he had died, wished that things had ended differently.
Once again, the therapist's voice broke Jared out of his thoughts.
"Ok honey, they're here. You did extra well today." The sincerity in her voice somehow managed to make Jared feel a little bit better.
"Thanks. I'll see you on Thursday," Jared responded, wheeling past her and down the hall, when suddenly, she called out to him, "Ok, and honey...," Jared turned around in his chair and waited for her response.
"Try and relax. Your muscles are too tense."
Jared didn't respond. Instead, he just gave her his most sincere smile and continued on his way towards the hospital exit.
_______________________________
"So how was your therapy session today?" Matt asked, as he reached over to the side table for his beer.
"It was alright, not much happening," Jared responded, his voice betraying his true feelings about the sessions.
"Oh. Well, it's only been two months Jared, give it time," Matt said, his eyes holding Jared's.
"Time isn't going to help me, Matt. You heard what the doctors had to say. This thing might be permanent."
"Doctors don't know everything."
"I used to think the same thing, but sitting in this damn chair day after day has finally cured me of that thought. I am never getting out of this man, I just know it; I feel it."
"Well, with that attitude, you'll be right. You have to think positive, Jared, you have to think positive."
Jared laughed.
"All the positive thinking in the world isn't going to get me walking again, man. I've tried that. For the past two months, I've been trying to tell myself that things will get better, that it'll improve, but I'm still a fucking cripple, and I'm still in this fucking chair," The bitterness in Jared's voice was unmistakable, and it was no surprise to him to hear the turn that Matt's next words took.
"You know something? If I wasn't feeling sorry for your ass I would have slapped the shit out of you, and hopefully knock some sense into you. This bullshit has got to stop, Jared. What you're doing to yourself is not going to do a damn thing for you except keep you locked in this funk, and in this house. I mean, when was the last time you left this place to go out somewhere besides the therapist or the doctor's office?"
Jared didn't respond to Matt's prodding, nor did he think that he was expected to.
"And what about your friends? If I didn't drag my ass over here and practically break in, I wouldn't have gotten past the bulldog downstairs that you call a security guard. We love you, man. All of us at the record company, and we miss the old Jared, the one that used to fuck around with us all the time, the one that used to make us smile, the one that was true to himself."
"Well, that Jared is as good as dead, Matt, or didn't you hear? He got shot a few months ago by some fuck-up who used to work for him. So it might do you some good to pass on that message to everyone over at the record company, so that they can stop filling my machine with all that emotional bullshit."
Jared expected Matt to continue with his tirade but he didn't. Instead, he reached over and patted Jared's shoulder.
"Time will heal all wounds, Jared. You just have to be willing." And with that, he stood up and leaned into Jared, putting his arms around Jared. He remained stiff though, not wanting to go there with Matt.
"We're having a little CD release party for one of our new artists, and we're all hoping you'll come."
Jared knew that he wasn't up to seeing anyone yet or being social in any way, shape or form, but he also knew Matt could take it to the nth degree, and he didn't need Matt on his back, so Jared lied, and told him that he would seriously think about it.
"Good, and bring Jensen with you. I haven't seen him in a while."
"I'll have to ask him."
"You do that, Jared. And please, keep in touch. OK? We want to know what's happening in your life," Once again, that sincerity was present in Matt's voice.
"Ok, man, I will, but right now I've got to get some rest. I'm real tired from therapy this morning."
It wasn't exactly a lie, for Jared was tired, but he knew he wasn't going to get some sleep anytime soon. He never did after a session.
"OK, man, so I'm going to go, but I'll give you a call later in the week."
"Cool," Jared stated and with that, they bumped fists and Jared led Matt to the door. Just as Matt reached for the knob it swung open, and in walked Jensen with two bags of groceries in each hand. When he saw Matt, he exchanged an exasperated look and the words,
"How's it going, Matt?"
"I'm good, Jensen, how've you been?"
"Ah...I'm OK, been busy, you know."
Matt looked back at Jared on the sly and said, "I know. We miss you working with us. When can we expect you back?"
This time it was Jensen who cast a glance at Jared, something that unnerved Jared no end.
"I don't know. We'll have to wait and see. Jared needs me, you know."
"Yeah, I know."
Jared found himself hating the fact that they could stand there and talk about him like he wasn't even there.
"Well, I should get going. You OK with those bags?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"It was nice seeing you, Jensen. Don't be a stranger now," and then turning to Jared, Matt said, "We'll talk later, man."
"OK," Jared responded, and watched as Matt walked out, closing the door behind him. He let out a sigh of relief at his departure, and made his way back over to the living room.
For a few moments, he managed to convince himself that he was alone, but then he heard a loud crash, and turned to see that Jensen had dropped one of the bags on the ground.
"Shit!" Jensen called out, placing the other three on the floor, and quickly taking the contents out of the dropped bag, and placing them to the side. Jared's eyes were on him but he not once turned to look at Jared, and when he finally emptied the bag, he walked over to the garbage, discarded the bag and its broken contents, and walked towards the kitchen sink.
"Did you get my meds?"
After about a minute of virtual silence, Jared was about to speak again, but then Jensen spoke,
"I was busy with the groceries." Even though Jared knew Jensen probably meant nothing by it, he just couldn't resist the urge to get on his case.
"You were busy with the groceries?! And I'm sure that there was no possible way for you to stop by the pharmacy and pick up my meds. What's the fucking point of you being here, Jensen?"
Jensen stopped what he was doing and looked up at Jared, eyes wide.
"I guess my main purpose here is to be your maid now, isn't it? That's all I seem to be doing around here lately. I cook, I clean, I shop, I get your meds. I make sure everything works out for you. YOU! It's all about you, Jared, always. I'm sorry about what happened with Patrick, and I'm sorry that it's you and not me in that chair, but I don't know what you expect me to do. What do you want from me?"
Jensen took a deep breath and let it out, and in a more subdued tone he said, "I want to help you, baby, but I don't know how, and you won't tell me how."
It was as if months of frustration that had been building up, had finally spilled over. His shoulders shook and he held his head down, a surefire sign that he was crying. Jared wanted to go over to him, and hold him, tell Jensen that he loved him, that he didn't want things to continue the way they were, but he couldn't. He didn't know how. Instead, Jared held his head down, like the coward he was, and let Jensen cry for himself, for Jared, and most importantly, for them.
_______________________________
Jensen finally decided that he had enough of pretending that things were fine, that everything was going to be OK, for he knew everything was not going to be OK, everything was not going to be fine, and they were not going to be fine. Since Jared had left the hospital two months ago, it was like he had retreated into his shell, shutting everything and everyone out. Half the time Jensen couldn't tell what Jared was thinking, what he was feeling, what he wanted or most importantly what he needed from him. When Jensen tried to make that leap of faith, he only managed to make things more awkward and strained between them. It came to a point where Jensen was afraid to even touch Jared, for fear Jared would go off on him. Intimacy was a thing of the past and Jensen had no way around it. Jensen had to admit that he missed the sex, but that was only a small part of it for him. The sex was a bonus. He could have survived on just the closeness he had felt whenever Jared held him, or sang to him, whenever Jared touched him or just looked at him with warmth in his eyes. But now, all that was a thing of the past. Since coming home two months ago, Jensen felt more like the hired help, rather than Jared's partner. Jared looked to him for material things, rather than meaningful guidance and comfort, and it hurt more than words could describe.
"I guess my main purpose is to be your maid, now isn't it? That's all I seem to do around here lately. I cook, I clean, I shop, I get your meds. I make sure everything works out for you. YOU! It's all about you, Jared, always. I'm sorry about what happened with Patrick, and I'm sorry that it's you, and not me, in that chair, but I don't know what you expect me to do. What do you want from me? I want to help you, baby, but I don't know how, and you won't tell me how."
That was when Jensen had finally broken down and told Jared, expecting at the least, a reaction from him, but all he got in return was stone-cold silence. Jared just sat in his chair and looked at Jensen as if he was some stranger, rather than the man that had been there with him through thick and thin. That realization had Jensen standing by the sink, slowly losing it. Jensen waited for Jared to respond, hoping for a sign, a touch, anything that would let him know Jared cared, but none came. Jensen walked over to where he had left the bags, and reached into one, pulling out a bag which contained the medication. He walked over to where Jared sat, and when their eyes finally met, Jensen threw the bag down into Jared's lap and walked past him into the bedroom. It must have been half an hour later, when Jensen heard the quiet rolling of his wheelchair as Jared entered the bedroom. Jensen pretended to be sleeping as Jared slowly made his way to the unoccupied side of the bed, and then pushed into the mattress, hoisting himself out of the chair and into the bed. The groans that he emitted were the tell-tale signs of how difficult it was for him. By the time he was flat on his back, his breathing was heavy and exaggerated. Jensen wanted to reach across Jared's chest and hold him, letting him know that he was there for him, but he didn't. Instead, he continued to feign sleep. It seemed that only a few minutes of virtual silence passed before something amazing and unexpected happened. Jared reached over and touched Jensen's waist. At first Jensen stiffened at his touch, but then familiarity took over, and he relaxed into the beginning of Jared's embrace.
"I miss you, babe," was Jared's whispered response, as he pulled Jensen into him, forcing Jensen to turn towards him, holding him close so that they were face to face.
"I miss you, too," Jensen whispered back, entwining his hand in Jared's, and then leaning over to kiss the side of Jared's lips. Jared seemed to not mind the closeness as he used his arms to pull Jensen on top of him, and latched his lips onto Jensen's. His kisses were hungry and they should have been. After all, it had been almost two months since they had had any form of intimacy. Jensen felt himself growing hard against Jared, and wondered if Jared could feel it too, not that that was of any concern to him. Whether or not they ended up making love was not important. Having Jared holding him, crushing his lips against his, forcing them to reconnect, that was what mattered, and it was all Jensen cared about at that moment. Jensen was hoping that the moment would go on forever, but he knew that, eventually, they would both have to come up for air. He lifted off Jared slightly, and looked into his eyes, and he couldn't help but mist a little. He missed Jared so damn much.
"I'm so sorry, Jensen," Jared stated, using his thumb to wipe the tears that had begun to form in Jensen's eyes, "I know I've been an asshole, babe, and I know I've apologized a million times, and I know you're fed up with me, but I'm lost without you, baby. I can't handle this, I just can't. If it weren't for you, I'd want to be dead."
"Oh, Jared, don't say that," Jensen whispered back, "Don't say that."
"But, it's true. I don't know how to live like this, I just can't. I'm a cripple, Jensen. I can't do anything. I'm no fucking use to anybody, especially you. I can't even fucking get it up, and I probably never will again. You don't need this, baby, you don't need me."
The very idea that Jared thought that any of that would matter to him, forced Jensen to do something that he hadn't done in a long time; it forced Jensen to take charge.
"Just stop it, Jared! Just fucking stop it! I don't care! I don't care if you're in a wheelchair, I don't care if you can't get an erection, and I don't care if we never make love again! I love you, and that's all that matters. I'm not going to leave you for anything. You got that? I will be here as long as time, and God willing nothing is going to change the way I feel about you."
It was the truth and Jensen prayed to God that it was getting through to Jared. He looked into Jared's eyes and was surprised to see that tears filled them, and, as if on cue, the dam burst, and Jared let loose a strangled sob that shook his chest. For the next ten minutes, Jared cried in the crook of Jensen's arm like a baby, and didn't stop until sleep took him. While his gentle snores filled the room, Jensen leaned over, kissed his forehead, and prayed that he would have pleasant dreams.
Chapter 33
Pairing: Jensen Ackles / Jared Padalecki (eventually), Mentions of Jensen/OMC, Jared/OMC and Others
Other Characters: Tom Welling, Chris Kane, Danneel Harris, Misha Collins
Rating: NC17
Word Count: 3,799
Disclaimer: 100% Pure Fiction
Note: None of this would be possible and readable without my awesome beta,
bigj52 . I learn from you everyday.Summary: AU / Everybody has a dream. Some people make their dreams come true. Some just let their life slip by thinking about it.
Chapter 32
Two Months Later
Jared held onto the parallel bars like his life depended on it, and ever so slowly, he hoisted himself up. It hurt like hell to have to put all his body weight onto his arms, but Jared knew that was what he had to do if he didn't want to end up being a cripple for the rest of his life. Jared knew he had a slim chance. That's been what the doctor had told him, point blank.
"It doesn't look good, Jared, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it your all in physical therapy. If we can get your muscle strength back, then just maybe in a year or two, you may be able to have some form of mobility with your legs."
Jared knew that he probably should have been grateful that he was even alive after the pounding he took from the bullets, but he wasn't. He didn't have his career, he didn't have use of his legs, and above all, he was of no use to anybody, especially Jensen. Jared couldn't even function as a man anymore. They had tried once or twice but with no success and all Jensen could do was to give him a strained smile and say, "It's gonna be alright, babe." Jared knew Jensen was being polite, but he pretended that everything was fine, especially him, and went about his therapy sessions.
"You're doing great, Jared, just hold on a little bit longer, just a few minutes more."
The voice of his physical therapist brought Jared back to the present and he let her words wash over him as did the sweat that was beginning to cascade down his back, as if he had just taken a shower.
"You're doing well, Jared. You're doing really well. Now, how about we take five?" With that, she walked up to Jared, encircled his waist and gently helped him into the waiting wheelchair that had been kept in close proximity to where they were working. Jared eased into it with a sickening thud and let out a deep breath.
"Tired?" She asked, handing Jared a towel.
"Yeah, I think I've had enough for the day," Jared stated, taking it from her and wiping his face with it. They had been at it for almost an hour and a half and Jared felt as if he was ready to pass out, not only from the strenuous exercises, but also from not having had breakfast that morning. Of course he had told her he had, just to keep her off his back, and he had told Jensen the same thing this morning when he had asked.
[Flashback]
"What did you have?" Jensen asked, eyeing Jared suspiciously from across the room. Jared could not help but thinking that Jensen seemed to be doing a lot of that lately, standing across the room, away from him, unconsciously distancing himself from Jared and the situation. After all, Jensen hadn't signed up to be taking care of a cripple.
"Some toast." Jared stated.
"Is that it? You know you need more than that Jared. Let me make you some eggs and bacon."
Jared stopped him from even making a move towards the stove.
"I told you, I already ate," Jared said, a little too hotly.
"Then where's the bowl? Where's the spoon?" Jensen challenged, hands folded across his chest.
"I washed it."
"The sink's dry."
Jared had enough of Jensen quizzing him like he had the right, like he had any idea what Jared was going through, and he told him so, "Just back off, Jensen! I said I ate! And I don't need for you to be running around after me like I'm your fucking kid; I can take care of myself!"
"Can you?" Jensen retorted, only to look at Jared with regret seconds later, "Jared, babe, I'm sorry," Jensen started to say, and made a move towards Jared.
Jared panicked though, and not wanting Jensen to touch him, he tried to wheel himself backwards and forgot all about the landing with three stairs that had never bothered him in the past. He fell over in the chair and narrowly missed hitting his head on the side of the wall. He heard Jensen shout his name and run over to help him, pulling the heavy chair away from Jared and making an attempt to help him up.
"Get the fuck off me!" Jared screamed, managing to startle Jensen and himself. Jared had been a silent grump up until that moment, but things had managed to bubble to the surface, and come out in the nastiest way possible.
"Just don't fucking touch me, alright! I can fucking take care of myself," Jensen had no choice but to stand by silently and watch Jared struggle for almost fifteen minutes to get the chair upright, and his body into it, before finally wheeling himself into their bedroom and closing the door behind him. Jared thought Jensen would have followed and couldn't decide if he was grateful or disappointed when Jensen didn't. When it was time to go to the hospital to see the therapist, Jensen knocked on the door and told Jared that he was going to start the van and that he would meet him outside. Jared heard the pain in his voice when he said it, but he did nothing but sit and listen. They drove in an uncomfortable silence all the way over to the hospital, and when the therapist asked him if he was staying, he declined, saying that he had something else to do for the day. Jared felt bad about what had happened, but not bad enough to beg Jensen to stay, not bad enough to put aside his own feelings, and try to understand a fraction of what Jensen must have been going through.
[/Flashback]
Jared shook all thoughts of Jensen and that morning out of his head just in time to hear the therapist's question.
"So, is Jensen meeting us in here, or should we go outside and wait for him?"
They had not discussed whether or not Jensen would be coming back for Jared, even though most often than not, he did.
"No, I think I'm going to take a van back to my place."
"OK, well let me call ‘Access-A-Ride’ and see how long it'll take them to get here. I'll be back soon," And with that, she walked out of the therapy room, leaving Jared alone with his thoughts. The thing was, though, he didn't have any thoughts or feelings that he wanted the time to think about. If anything, he wanted to keep busy, to keep his mind off of what was happening in his life right at that moment. To keep his mind off the fact that his relationship was once again heading for disaster, to keep his mind off the fact that his life was never going to be the same, and most importantly, to keep his mind off the fact that deep down inside, he actually wished that Patrick's bullet had fatally wounded him, wished that he had died, wished that things had ended differently.
Once again, the therapist's voice broke Jared out of his thoughts.
"Ok honey, they're here. You did extra well today." The sincerity in her voice somehow managed to make Jared feel a little bit better.
"Thanks. I'll see you on Thursday," Jared responded, wheeling past her and down the hall, when suddenly, she called out to him, "Ok, and honey...," Jared turned around in his chair and waited for her response.
"Try and relax. Your muscles are too tense."
Jared didn't respond. Instead, he just gave her his most sincere smile and continued on his way towards the hospital exit.
_______________________________
"So how was your therapy session today?" Matt asked, as he reached over to the side table for his beer.
"It was alright, not much happening," Jared responded, his voice betraying his true feelings about the sessions.
"Oh. Well, it's only been two months Jared, give it time," Matt said, his eyes holding Jared's.
"Time isn't going to help me, Matt. You heard what the doctors had to say. This thing might be permanent."
"Doctors don't know everything."
"I used to think the same thing, but sitting in this damn chair day after day has finally cured me of that thought. I am never getting out of this man, I just know it; I feel it."
"Well, with that attitude, you'll be right. You have to think positive, Jared, you have to think positive."
Jared laughed.
"All the positive thinking in the world isn't going to get me walking again, man. I've tried that. For the past two months, I've been trying to tell myself that things will get better, that it'll improve, but I'm still a fucking cripple, and I'm still in this fucking chair," The bitterness in Jared's voice was unmistakable, and it was no surprise to him to hear the turn that Matt's next words took.
"You know something? If I wasn't feeling sorry for your ass I would have slapped the shit out of you, and hopefully knock some sense into you. This bullshit has got to stop, Jared. What you're doing to yourself is not going to do a damn thing for you except keep you locked in this funk, and in this house. I mean, when was the last time you left this place to go out somewhere besides the therapist or the doctor's office?"
Jared didn't respond to Matt's prodding, nor did he think that he was expected to.
"And what about your friends? If I didn't drag my ass over here and practically break in, I wouldn't have gotten past the bulldog downstairs that you call a security guard. We love you, man. All of us at the record company, and we miss the old Jared, the one that used to fuck around with us all the time, the one that used to make us smile, the one that was true to himself."
"Well, that Jared is as good as dead, Matt, or didn't you hear? He got shot a few months ago by some fuck-up who used to work for him. So it might do you some good to pass on that message to everyone over at the record company, so that they can stop filling my machine with all that emotional bullshit."
Jared expected Matt to continue with his tirade but he didn't. Instead, he reached over and patted Jared's shoulder.
"Time will heal all wounds, Jared. You just have to be willing." And with that, he stood up and leaned into Jared, putting his arms around Jared. He remained stiff though, not wanting to go there with Matt.
"We're having a little CD release party for one of our new artists, and we're all hoping you'll come."
Jared knew that he wasn't up to seeing anyone yet or being social in any way, shape or form, but he also knew Matt could take it to the nth degree, and he didn't need Matt on his back, so Jared lied, and told him that he would seriously think about it.
"Good, and bring Jensen with you. I haven't seen him in a while."
"I'll have to ask him."
"You do that, Jared. And please, keep in touch. OK? We want to know what's happening in your life," Once again, that sincerity was present in Matt's voice.
"Ok, man, I will, but right now I've got to get some rest. I'm real tired from therapy this morning."
It wasn't exactly a lie, for Jared was tired, but he knew he wasn't going to get some sleep anytime soon. He never did after a session.
"OK, man, so I'm going to go, but I'll give you a call later in the week."
"Cool," Jared stated and with that, they bumped fists and Jared led Matt to the door. Just as Matt reached for the knob it swung open, and in walked Jensen with two bags of groceries in each hand. When he saw Matt, he exchanged an exasperated look and the words,
"How's it going, Matt?"
"I'm good, Jensen, how've you been?"
"Ah...I'm OK, been busy, you know."
Matt looked back at Jared on the sly and said, "I know. We miss you working with us. When can we expect you back?"
This time it was Jensen who cast a glance at Jared, something that unnerved Jared no end.
"I don't know. We'll have to wait and see. Jared needs me, you know."
"Yeah, I know."
Jared found himself hating the fact that they could stand there and talk about him like he wasn't even there.
"Well, I should get going. You OK with those bags?"
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"It was nice seeing you, Jensen. Don't be a stranger now," and then turning to Jared, Matt said, "We'll talk later, man."
"OK," Jared responded, and watched as Matt walked out, closing the door behind him. He let out a sigh of relief at his departure, and made his way back over to the living room.
For a few moments, he managed to convince himself that he was alone, but then he heard a loud crash, and turned to see that Jensen had dropped one of the bags on the ground.
"Shit!" Jensen called out, placing the other three on the floor, and quickly taking the contents out of the dropped bag, and placing them to the side. Jared's eyes were on him but he not once turned to look at Jared, and when he finally emptied the bag, he walked over to the garbage, discarded the bag and its broken contents, and walked towards the kitchen sink.
"Did you get my meds?"
After about a minute of virtual silence, Jared was about to speak again, but then Jensen spoke,
"I was busy with the groceries." Even though Jared knew Jensen probably meant nothing by it, he just couldn't resist the urge to get on his case.
"You were busy with the groceries?! And I'm sure that there was no possible way for you to stop by the pharmacy and pick up my meds. What's the fucking point of you being here, Jensen?"
Jensen stopped what he was doing and looked up at Jared, eyes wide.
"I guess my main purpose here is to be your maid now, isn't it? That's all I seem to be doing around here lately. I cook, I clean, I shop, I get your meds. I make sure everything works out for you. YOU! It's all about you, Jared, always. I'm sorry about what happened with Patrick, and I'm sorry that it's you and not me in that chair, but I don't know what you expect me to do. What do you want from me?"
Jensen took a deep breath and let it out, and in a more subdued tone he said, "I want to help you, baby, but I don't know how, and you won't tell me how."
It was as if months of frustration that had been building up, had finally spilled over. His shoulders shook and he held his head down, a surefire sign that he was crying. Jared wanted to go over to him, and hold him, tell Jensen that he loved him, that he didn't want things to continue the way they were, but he couldn't. He didn't know how. Instead, Jared held his head down, like the coward he was, and let Jensen cry for himself, for Jared, and most importantly, for them.
_______________________________
Jensen finally decided that he had enough of pretending that things were fine, that everything was going to be OK, for he knew everything was not going to be OK, everything was not going to be fine, and they were not going to be fine. Since Jared had left the hospital two months ago, it was like he had retreated into his shell, shutting everything and everyone out. Half the time Jensen couldn't tell what Jared was thinking, what he was feeling, what he wanted or most importantly what he needed from him. When Jensen tried to make that leap of faith, he only managed to make things more awkward and strained between them. It came to a point where Jensen was afraid to even touch Jared, for fear Jared would go off on him. Intimacy was a thing of the past and Jensen had no way around it. Jensen had to admit that he missed the sex, but that was only a small part of it for him. The sex was a bonus. He could have survived on just the closeness he had felt whenever Jared held him, or sang to him, whenever Jared touched him or just looked at him with warmth in his eyes. But now, all that was a thing of the past. Since coming home two months ago, Jensen felt more like the hired help, rather than Jared's partner. Jared looked to him for material things, rather than meaningful guidance and comfort, and it hurt more than words could describe.
"I guess my main purpose is to be your maid, now isn't it? That's all I seem to do around here lately. I cook, I clean, I shop, I get your meds. I make sure everything works out for you. YOU! It's all about you, Jared, always. I'm sorry about what happened with Patrick, and I'm sorry that it's you, and not me, in that chair, but I don't know what you expect me to do. What do you want from me? I want to help you, baby, but I don't know how, and you won't tell me how."
That was when Jensen had finally broken down and told Jared, expecting at the least, a reaction from him, but all he got in return was stone-cold silence. Jared just sat in his chair and looked at Jensen as if he was some stranger, rather than the man that had been there with him through thick and thin. That realization had Jensen standing by the sink, slowly losing it. Jensen waited for Jared to respond, hoping for a sign, a touch, anything that would let him know Jared cared, but none came. Jensen walked over to where he had left the bags, and reached into one, pulling out a bag which contained the medication. He walked over to where Jared sat, and when their eyes finally met, Jensen threw the bag down into Jared's lap and walked past him into the bedroom. It must have been half an hour later, when Jensen heard the quiet rolling of his wheelchair as Jared entered the bedroom. Jensen pretended to be sleeping as Jared slowly made his way to the unoccupied side of the bed, and then pushed into the mattress, hoisting himself out of the chair and into the bed. The groans that he emitted were the tell-tale signs of how difficult it was for him. By the time he was flat on his back, his breathing was heavy and exaggerated. Jensen wanted to reach across Jared's chest and hold him, letting him know that he was there for him, but he didn't. Instead, he continued to feign sleep. It seemed that only a few minutes of virtual silence passed before something amazing and unexpected happened. Jared reached over and touched Jensen's waist. At first Jensen stiffened at his touch, but then familiarity took over, and he relaxed into the beginning of Jared's embrace.
"I miss you, babe," was Jared's whispered response, as he pulled Jensen into him, forcing Jensen to turn towards him, holding him close so that they were face to face.
"I miss you, too," Jensen whispered back, entwining his hand in Jared's, and then leaning over to kiss the side of Jared's lips. Jared seemed to not mind the closeness as he used his arms to pull Jensen on top of him, and latched his lips onto Jensen's. His kisses were hungry and they should have been. After all, it had been almost two months since they had had any form of intimacy. Jensen felt himself growing hard against Jared, and wondered if Jared could feel it too, not that that was of any concern to him. Whether or not they ended up making love was not important. Having Jared holding him, crushing his lips against his, forcing them to reconnect, that was what mattered, and it was all Jensen cared about at that moment. Jensen was hoping that the moment would go on forever, but he knew that, eventually, they would both have to come up for air. He lifted off Jared slightly, and looked into his eyes, and he couldn't help but mist a little. He missed Jared so damn much.
"I'm so sorry, Jensen," Jared stated, using his thumb to wipe the tears that had begun to form in Jensen's eyes, "I know I've been an asshole, babe, and I know I've apologized a million times, and I know you're fed up with me, but I'm lost without you, baby. I can't handle this, I just can't. If it weren't for you, I'd want to be dead."
"Oh, Jared, don't say that," Jensen whispered back, "Don't say that."
"But, it's true. I don't know how to live like this, I just can't. I'm a cripple, Jensen. I can't do anything. I'm no fucking use to anybody, especially you. I can't even fucking get it up, and I probably never will again. You don't need this, baby, you don't need me."
The very idea that Jared thought that any of that would matter to him, forced Jensen to do something that he hadn't done in a long time; it forced Jensen to take charge.
"Just stop it, Jared! Just fucking stop it! I don't care! I don't care if you're in a wheelchair, I don't care if you can't get an erection, and I don't care if we never make love again! I love you, and that's all that matters. I'm not going to leave you for anything. You got that? I will be here as long as time, and God willing nothing is going to change the way I feel about you."
It was the truth and Jensen prayed to God that it was getting through to Jared. He looked into Jared's eyes and was surprised to see that tears filled them, and, as if on cue, the dam burst, and Jared let loose a strangled sob that shook his chest. For the next ten minutes, Jared cried in the crook of Jensen's arm like a baby, and didn't stop until sleep took him. While his gentle snores filled the room, Jensen leaned over, kissed his forehead, and prayed that he would have pleasant dreams.
Chapter 33
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-03-31 10:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-07 07:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-31 01:20 pm (UTC)Love, Robin
Editor, SUPERNATURAL
www.moogi.com
Episode 5.15 available now!
no subject
Date: 2010-04-07 07:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-31 10:37 pm (UTC)I hope they can find a way to move on.
Please update soon.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-07 07:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-04-06 02:15 pm (UTC)Thanks for somewhat brightening up my month <3
no subject
Date: 2010-04-07 07:32 pm (UTC)