Unreciprocated - Chapter 3
Apr. 16th, 2010 01:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
something_rareTitle: Unreciprocated (3/?)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
something_rare
Beta:bigj52, who has always been a great support and friend. Thank you, Judy, for your tirelessness in reviewing, your pep talks and everything else. You rock!
Graphics:something_rare
Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Brad/Adam
Warnings: Graphic Sex (Not much in this chapter though)
Word Count: ~ 4000
Disclaimer: This story is a written for entertainment only. It is a work of fiction and I make no claims of ownership on any of the involved entities. All real people are converted into fictional characters for this story, and nothing is either implied or assumed about their lives, thoughts, or actions.
Summary: After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.
Brad got as far as Adam's house, before he came to an abrupt halt, one arm raised, ready to ring the buzzer. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe Adam was asleep. Maybe Adam would kill him if he woke him up. Actually, there was no maybe about that last one. Adam would kill him if he woke him up. So instead of ringing the buzzer, Brad looked over at the house, and tried to discern any movement in the house. For the longest time, Brad strained to see something until he started to feel stupid. After all, he was standing right outside of Adam’s house, at two in the morning, looking for any indication that Adam was awake or even home. None came.
He glanced one more time at the locked gate and decided to punch in the security code at the gate. The problem was he didn’t know the code. He looked one more time at the house. He knew he could have three lucky guesses before the alarm would go off.
He tried to get inside Adam’s head and his method of thinking and guess the code. He knew Adam had the tendency of picking dates as his security code combinations.
‘Maybe it’s his birth date. He used to use his birth date as his email password, right?’
It was a possibility. It was something easy to remember. Brad punched the numbers and waited for the little red light to go green.
It did not.
‘What was I thinking? It can’t be his birthday. Everyone knows his birthday. What about… Could it be…my birthday?’
Brad’s birth date used to be Adam’s ATM card security code. It was something easy for both of them to remember. Yes. It was possible, so Brad punched in his birth date and stared at the little red light with unease. Again, the gate remained locked.
Something sank inside him.
‘Of course Adam would not choose your birth date as his security code combination. Why would he do that? Who would do that? Who would choose his ex’s birth date as his security code? Nobody does that, except for…maybe someone desperate.’
And Brad knew Adam was anything but desperate. There were no special dates in Adam’s life that Brad knew of, just his birthday and the day they had met.
‘No. It just can’t be. You already tried your own birthday and it didn’t work out. Adam has moved on. His world doesn’t revolve around you…not anymore. Why can’t you accept that?’
Still, it was his last chance. So he punched in the date and waited for the light to go green. It didn’t. With a sigh, he started walking towards his car when he heard the gate click open. Brad turned around, stunned. It had worked.
It had worked!
Finally out of his daze, Brad walked inside.
Now the problem was what he would say to Adam when he faced him. Adam would know how desperate Brad had become; he would know how clingy Brad could be, and that would be the final straw. Adam would push him away and outside his life. Brad was certain of that but yet again, he quietly walked inside.
He tiptoed around Adam’s huge living room. The house was dark and quiet, a certain sign that Adam was either asleep or simply not home. That was when he heard it. It sounded like a moan to him. He stopped and listened, trying to figure out what he had heard, then he heard it again; it definitely sounded like moaning and it came from upstairs. Brad wondered what Adam was doing up there. Oh God, he probably was not alone. Shit! He would better leave before Adam ever knew Brad had been there. Brad was about to leave Adam to…whatever it was that Adam was doing upstairs when he heard it again. This time he heard it clearly. Adam was moaning, but it sounded like he was in pain. This time he could make out what he was moaning. He was saying 'No.' Brad wasn't sure what to do, but something told him that Adam needed him, so without really thinking about it, he climbed up the stairs. Another loud moan was heard which sounded like Adam was really in pain. Then Brad reached Adam’s bedroom, opened the door and stepped inside.
Of all the sights he had been expecting it was not what he found. Adam was lying in bed asleep, quite obviously in the throes of a horrific nightmare. He was thrashing around in the bed, covers thrown off, arms and legs flying everywhere as he squirmed around, a layer of sweat glistening on his skin. It was as if he was trying to escape from something, and he was constantly moaning and calling out, 'No, no, don't.' Brad rushed over to the bed, and tried to grab Adam without getting hit by any errant limbs.
"Adam, wake up," He called out softly, trying to wake him.
"No, don't say it. No," Adam cried, still gripped by the nightmare.
"It's just a nightmare, wake up."
Adam still didn't hear him, and continued to thrash about until one of his arms crashed into the bedside table, knocking over the lamp with a loud crash. Brad was forced to grab Adam in something like a bear hug, and almost shouted at him to wake up, but it still wasn't working. So he tried another approach. He bent his head down to Adam's ear and began talking softly to him.
"Adam, sweetheart it's okay. It's just a nightmare. I'm here and I won't let anything hurt you. Just wake up and everything will be fine," He kept repeating that he was there, and that everything was fine.
Adam slowly calmed down in Brad's arms. After a few minutes, he moaned softly, and opened his eyes.
"Brad?" he said, confused and bewildered.
"I'm here Adam. It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be okay."
Brad released his hold on Adam a little, but continued to hold him, not wanting to let go. Adam didn't want him to let go either, and he turned around in the embrace, and put his arms around Brad's waist, hiding his face against Brad's chest. They stayed like that for a long time, Brad gently rocking them both as Adam's body trembled. Brad then realized that Adam was crying, and he moved one hand from stroking Adam's head to gently cup his face so he could look at him.
"Adam?"
Adam looked up into Brad's eyes, and Brad could see the pain his friend was feeling.
"Hey, what's the matter?" He asked softly.
"I was dreaming about the night we broke up. It was kinda weird though." He stopped, as he felt Brad tense at the mention of it, and moved out of Brad's embrace, so that they were now sitting face to face, "It was like I was watching a film or something... I could see myself hurrying out of the theater. I watched myself shouting a goodbye to everyone, so excited because I knew you had come to our show that night and that you were waiting for me outside….and you were, but then I got inside the car and you dropped the bomb on me.”
*Flashback*
"You did what?" Adam exclaimed in the car going home. He had had a great show that night, trying to be the best he could be, just by thinking about Brad being somewhere in the audience watching him, and there was Brad, confessing to him about his betrayal and asking Adam to forgive him.
"At the intermission…I was on my way backstage to your dressing room to see you, when I…I saw this guy, one of the stage crew and we…um…I kinda got carried away with him ," Brad said sheepishly.
"What exactly did you do?" Adam asked.
"Is it important?" Brad asked defensively.
"It is to me,” Adam said. Brad had never seen Adam quite so threatening.
"OK," Brad answered, "I guess you have a right to know. We gave each other a blow job. Well, two each actually."
Adam was very quiet the rest of the way home. Brad knew Adam would be angry, but he did not know how angry. He tried to say things like how spectacular Adam had been on stage that night, to which Adam replied sharply, "I don't know how you could know. You were busy elsewhere, weren't you?"
Eventually Brad gave up and just drove home.
"
"Brad…I think you should sleep on the couch tonight," Adam directed as Brad tried to crawl in bed with him, "And tomorrow, I think you'd better plan on spending some time at your own place."
"But," Brad protested, trying to lighten the mood, "I've already let Cassidy stay at my place for a while until he gets his own place, remember? I don't know if it's fair to him to just throw him out."
"Cassidy is out of town for his gig," Adam answered, "By the time he gets back, we should have this worked out."
"Does that mean you're kicking me out?" Brad asked, starting to get somewhat annoyed.
"It means," Adam said emphatically, "I thought we had an agreement and now I find out that we didn't have anything!"
"But Adam," Brad pleaded, "I only,-"
"You only got it on with some guy you didn't even know. Someone I should still be working with every day for at least another six months, or did you manage to forget that? I thought we had an agreement to be open with each other because we trust each other, remember? Where's that trust now? I really don't know where I fit, Bradley."
"Addy," Brad defended, "I don't think you're being fair. Are you saying you don't want us to be together anymore? And because I screwed up one time?"
"I don't know, Brad. I just don't know. We were so special, so... well we had it all! Now I just don't know. I love you so much! I would never think of doing such a thing! And now I just don't know what you're thinking. I guess I'm wondering why you're here."
"Maybe you'd like it better if I permanently moved back home," Brad said. Hearing himself say those words hit him like a thunderbolt. It seemed so final!
"Actually that’s not a bad idea," Adam answered.
"Adam," Brad said, trying to show hurt in his voice, "There's... there's one more thing."
"What's that?" Adam asked. His tone softened a little. Brad was hopeful, but at the same time the "poor me" syndrome was working overtime.
"The necklaces," Brad said tentatively, "You put mine on me and I put yours on you. We made a vow that no one would take mine off but you, and no one would take yours off but me. Do you want to take mine off?"
"I made another vow," Adam answered, "That I'd never be the first to do that. But if you want to, here you go." Adam said as he sat up on the bed and turned away so that his back was to Brad.
Brad stared at the back of Adam’s hair. He reached over and caressed Adam’s neck. It was so smooth, so soft to the touch. He moved on his knees on the bed so that he was face to face with Adam. He reached over and touched the key pendant and remembered how happy they had been, how they had worn those necklaces so proudly for almost a year.
"I can't, Addy," Brad whispered softly, "I still love you and I can't take it off. If I took it off that would mean I don't want to be your lover anymore and that's just not the case. I don't ever want to give you up."
"Bradley," Adam said as tears began to flow in both their eyes, "I love you so much! Why don't you just sleep on the couch tonight till I figure this whole thing out? Right now I'm so mad, so hurt, so disappointed; I don't know what I want. We were so free with each other, so completely open because we trust each other. Our love was so clean and pure, and now I just don't know. I've got a long life ahead of me, and I want to live it with you, I do… but I don't want to be constantly worrying about what you are doing behind my back whenever we are not together."
Suddenly Brad realized the basic difference between Adam and him. Adam was looking forward to a long life with him, while Brad was living just for the moment. Brad had never even considered the possibility of being middle aged, or older. Before he had met Adam, he had even thought about suicide at some point, because in his mind, he had no future, and then he had met Adam.
"For what it's worth," Brad said as he moved his hand to Adam’s hair and stroked his hair lightly, "I've learned my lesson. I'm so sorry, and I promise…I swear I'll never do such a thing again. Please forgive me, Addy, please?"
"I can forgive you……eventually," Adam answered, " …but I'm not sure I can forget. I'm not sure we can ever be the same as we were. We're just going to have to wait and see. If I can't get over it, then I guess we're going to have to break up. I'm sorry, Bradley, but that's what our love means to me. It's all or nothing."
Brad leaned forward and gently kissed Adam’s lips, told him he loved him, and walked to the couch. It was the first time in a long time that he had slept alone and he had a feeling that it was the first night of many nights to come.
*End of Flashback*
“I heard everything I said to you, and I was trying to shout at my other self to…to stop and not let you go...," Adam stopped and looked at Brad, and could see him holding back tears from this painful memory, “I overreacted to what you did. I should've just given you hell and then forgot it,” Brad tried to protest but Adam held his hand up, signaling Brad to let him continue, “I… I miss you so much,”
Adam moved a bit closer to Brad, and put his hand on Brad's arm, "It was awful because I knew…I knew that I was making a mistake letting you go...of pushing you out of my bed and my life. I was there, watching you pack your stuff and there was nothing I could do to stop it, or take my words back," Brad saw Adam looking at his necklace and the lock pendant which was still around his neck. Brad checked Adam’s necklace and Adam still had the key pendant on too. He did not even know why he looked, but he did, “After Drake’s call, I…I started thinking about my relationships…and why they never work. I…there must have been something wrong with me if people that I love keep leaving me.”
"Adam. It's okay. You’re hurt. You are not thinking clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. Don’t shoulder other people’s screw-ups, OK? I fucked up, so did Drake. It’s not your fault. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault."
He held Adam's head in his hands, looking directly into Adam's eyes to make sure he understood what he was saying, "I’m sorry that I ruined our chance. If I could take it back… you know I would but I can´t and it’s killing me. I’m sorry that Drake did the exact same thing to you. I couldn't bear to see you hurt then, and now… now I have to watch you hurt yourself over Drake and I can’t bear it. I wish I could do something, anything to stop it."
Adam was incredulous, "Why are you blaming yourself over something someone else has done?"
"Because I can’t imagine how hurt you really were when we broke up. You never let me see you hurting then, but I know I hurt you pretty bad. I broke all the rules and at the end it was you who paid for it the most. I wasn’t a good lover then and I can’t be a good enough friend now," Brad admitted sadly.
"Oh, Bradley," Adam leant his head against Brad’s chest and closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes, he saw Brad’s pendant right next to his face. He raised his hand and touched the pendant, "It’s not you. Sure…I used to blame you too, but now with everything that’s happened with Drake, I now know that I am doing something wrong. Maybe…maybe I’m not meant to fall in love like that.”
"What else have you forgotten, Adam?" Brad suddenly asked. Adam could see Brad’s eyes misting up.
"What are you talking about?" Adam asked.
"I think you know exactly what I’m talking about, Adam. Burning Man, ring any bells? Do you remember the last night when we were standing there watching the statue burn? Do you remember what we promised to each other? We had such plans, conquering the world, building our lives, making your mom and dad proud, showing my mom I could be successful and happy, living my own life, on my own terms. You did conquer something; at least you’re a star now, but what about the rest? What about love? We promised we would be deeply, passionately in love with life, so why are you throwing it away like this? I know you are hurt, Adam, but it’s not the end of the world for you. You could do so much more, you can love perfectly, I know you can! I have been there. I have seen it. I have bathed in it, Adam, so don’t tell me there is not still in an ounce of love somewhere inside you, because I know there is.”
“Brad, I have to ask you something."
Brad shuffled nervously. Could Adam be asking what Brad was yearning to hear for months? "What is it?" Brad said as neutrally as he could.
"Bradley..." Adam hesitated, then started again with more energy, "Brad, do you.... are you.... uh... are you ready to take the necklaces off yet?"
"Why do you ask?" Brad evaded, "Do you want to? We can if you say so."
"I think you already know, Brad. I'll never take mine off, and I'll never take yours off either. If either of them ever comes off, it'll have to be you that does it."
"Addy," Brad said, fighting his breaking voice, "It's been so long..."
"Yeah, it has," Adam agreed, "It's been too fucking long! Bradley, I've missed you so much! I know just by the way you've been acting lately that you're not very happy, and I'm just conceited enough to think that the reason you're unhappy is…well…God, this is hard,” Adam chuckled nervously, “I think the reason is me?"
"That's not conceit, Adam, that's truth. You could have any guy in the whole world now! So why would you still want to be with me? After everything that has happened between us, you know you shouldn’t want to be with me. It’s unhealthy to go back to someone who has broken your heart. Maybe…maybe you are on the rebound and want to get back at Drake, Adam, but you know you will regret this sooner or later. Then we will lose the friendship that we have both worked so hard for, and I don’t want that. I know you don’t want that, and I also know what a screw-up I have been since we broke up and that’s the last thing you need right now."
"I know…I know all about it, Brad. I know about the drinking, the wild parties, and I know about your little dates too. I don't know the details but I know enough to know you have not been in love with any one of them."
"I don’t think I can ever love anyone after you, Adam," Brad said slowly, "But if you know about all my hell raising then you know I'm not the kind of guy you need to be with again. You're special, Adam, and you're going places. I can't ask you to hang around me, I'll just pull you down. Why would you want to anyway?"
"Because I love you, Brad, and I don't see that changing any time soon. It’s been five years, so it should have happened by now, don’t you think? I miss you so much!"
"Adam, I... I just don't know...," Brad was wavering and he knew that Adam knew it too. He went for the kill.
"Brad," Adam said softly, "Will you stay with me tonight? There's so much I want to talk to you about. We don't have to sleep together or anything, you can take the bed and I'll take the couch."
"The couch?" Brad questioned, "You know you don’t fit on that couch, big boy!"
"You know what I mean, Bradley. Stay, please? I’ll feel safer if you’re near."
“Alright, but I’ll take the couch.”
So Brad stayed that night. They slept in Adam’s bedroom in separate beds that night for about half an hour. Then Adam said in his most enticing, most alluring tone, "Brad, can you come over here….please? So we can talk?"
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Brad answered.
"We don't have to do anything, I just want to talk and I hate having to talk to you halfway across the room."
Was Adam enticing him? Brad did not think so. Was Adam trying to use what he knew was Brad’s killer attraction for his gorgeous body? Never! Brad knew Adam was not like that. So Brad’s resistance collapsed and he padded the three steps from the couch to Adam's bed and crawled in.
And so they talked. They talked for a long time, and while they didn't have sex that night, but they did wind up with their arms around each other.
"You know…sometimes I think my relationship with Drake was doomed from the start, because I had never gotten over you. He was just the closest thing I could find to you.”
“Yeah, I noticed that you have a tendency to do that. Kissing Ke$ha because she looked like me? Seriously?”
“Oh come on! Not you too,” Adam groaned, “She is pretty.”
“Save that for the reporters, bitch. I know you too well, remember?”
“Tell me you don't love me anymore," Adam suddenly challenged, "And take my necklace off. Then I can go on and know that it's really over."
"I don't know if I can do that, Adam," Brad answered, "We've been together so long, worn those pendants so long they're like a part of us. And we did have some good times, didn't we?"
"Yeah, we did," Adam agreed, "And I gotta ask you, Bradley, has it gotten any better for you? Are you happy with the way things are going for you?"
"Things are ok," Brad responded. People have started to finally see me, thanks to your fans by the way."
"That's not what I asked you, Brad. I want you to tell me that you're glad we broke up. Tell me you are better off because you left here."
Of course Brad couldn't do that. So he slipped his arm around Adam’s strong, lithe neck and hugged him. Adam responded by melting into Brad, wrapping his arms around him and lapsing into silence. Soon Adam was asleep while Brad just laid there, looking at Adam. It was not that he suddenly did not want to be with Adam anymore. It was just that he was still scared. He knew what they used to have had been something so beautiful and sacred, but he also knew that he had ruined it! He was just not sure that things could ever be the same again. He knew he had hurt Adam so badly, that he had fucked up what could have been so great. Part of Brad still wanted it and part of him felt trapped. Not that he minded feeling trapped. Brad sighed. He knew he had to make a decision and soon.
Chapter 4
Author:
something_rare Beta:
bigj52, who has always been a great support and friend. Thank you, Judy, for your tirelessness in reviewing, your pep talks and everything else. You rock!Graphics:
something_rare Rating: NC-17
Pairings: Brad/Adam
Warnings: Graphic Sex (Not much in this chapter though)
Word Count: ~ 4000
Disclaimer: This story is a written for entertainment only. It is a work of fiction and I make no claims of ownership on any of the involved entities. All real people are converted into fictional characters for this story, and nothing is either implied or assumed about their lives, thoughts, or actions.
Summary: After five years Brad still has feelings for Adam.
Brad got as far as Adam's house, before he came to an abrupt halt, one arm raised, ready to ring the buzzer. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe Adam was asleep. Maybe Adam would kill him if he woke him up. Actually, there was no maybe about that last one. Adam would kill him if he woke him up. So instead of ringing the buzzer, Brad looked over at the house, and tried to discern any movement in the house. For the longest time, Brad strained to see something until he started to feel stupid. After all, he was standing right outside of Adam’s house, at two in the morning, looking for any indication that Adam was awake or even home. None came.
He glanced one more time at the locked gate and decided to punch in the security code at the gate. The problem was he didn’t know the code. He looked one more time at the house. He knew he could have three lucky guesses before the alarm would go off.
He tried to get inside Adam’s head and his method of thinking and guess the code. He knew Adam had the tendency of picking dates as his security code combinations.
‘Maybe it’s his birth date. He used to use his birth date as his email password, right?’
It was a possibility. It was something easy to remember. Brad punched the numbers and waited for the little red light to go green.
It did not.
‘What was I thinking? It can’t be his birthday. Everyone knows his birthday. What about… Could it be…my birthday?’
Brad’s birth date used to be Adam’s ATM card security code. It was something easy for both of them to remember. Yes. It was possible, so Brad punched in his birth date and stared at the little red light with unease. Again, the gate remained locked.
Something sank inside him.
‘Of course Adam would not choose your birth date as his security code combination. Why would he do that? Who would do that? Who would choose his ex’s birth date as his security code? Nobody does that, except for…maybe someone desperate.’
And Brad knew Adam was anything but desperate. There were no special dates in Adam’s life that Brad knew of, just his birthday and the day they had met.
‘No. It just can’t be. You already tried your own birthday and it didn’t work out. Adam has moved on. His world doesn’t revolve around you…not anymore. Why can’t you accept that?’
Still, it was his last chance. So he punched in the date and waited for the light to go green. It didn’t. With a sigh, he started walking towards his car when he heard the gate click open. Brad turned around, stunned. It had worked.
It had worked!
Finally out of his daze, Brad walked inside.
Now the problem was what he would say to Adam when he faced him. Adam would know how desperate Brad had become; he would know how clingy Brad could be, and that would be the final straw. Adam would push him away and outside his life. Brad was certain of that but yet again, he quietly walked inside.
He tiptoed around Adam’s huge living room. The house was dark and quiet, a certain sign that Adam was either asleep or simply not home. That was when he heard it. It sounded like a moan to him. He stopped and listened, trying to figure out what he had heard, then he heard it again; it definitely sounded like moaning and it came from upstairs. Brad wondered what Adam was doing up there. Oh God, he probably was not alone. Shit! He would better leave before Adam ever knew Brad had been there. Brad was about to leave Adam to…whatever it was that Adam was doing upstairs when he heard it again. This time he heard it clearly. Adam was moaning, but it sounded like he was in pain. This time he could make out what he was moaning. He was saying 'No.' Brad wasn't sure what to do, but something told him that Adam needed him, so without really thinking about it, he climbed up the stairs. Another loud moan was heard which sounded like Adam was really in pain. Then Brad reached Adam’s bedroom, opened the door and stepped inside.
Of all the sights he had been expecting it was not what he found. Adam was lying in bed asleep, quite obviously in the throes of a horrific nightmare. He was thrashing around in the bed, covers thrown off, arms and legs flying everywhere as he squirmed around, a layer of sweat glistening on his skin. It was as if he was trying to escape from something, and he was constantly moaning and calling out, 'No, no, don't.' Brad rushed over to the bed, and tried to grab Adam without getting hit by any errant limbs.
"Adam, wake up," He called out softly, trying to wake him.
"No, don't say it. No," Adam cried, still gripped by the nightmare.
"It's just a nightmare, wake up."
Adam still didn't hear him, and continued to thrash about until one of his arms crashed into the bedside table, knocking over the lamp with a loud crash. Brad was forced to grab Adam in something like a bear hug, and almost shouted at him to wake up, but it still wasn't working. So he tried another approach. He bent his head down to Adam's ear and began talking softly to him.
"Adam, sweetheart it's okay. It's just a nightmare. I'm here and I won't let anything hurt you. Just wake up and everything will be fine," He kept repeating that he was there, and that everything was fine.
Adam slowly calmed down in Brad's arms. After a few minutes, he moaned softly, and opened his eyes.
"Brad?" he said, confused and bewildered.
"I'm here Adam. It's okay, baby. Everything is going to be okay."
Brad released his hold on Adam a little, but continued to hold him, not wanting to let go. Adam didn't want him to let go either, and he turned around in the embrace, and put his arms around Brad's waist, hiding his face against Brad's chest. They stayed like that for a long time, Brad gently rocking them both as Adam's body trembled. Brad then realized that Adam was crying, and he moved one hand from stroking Adam's head to gently cup his face so he could look at him.
"Adam?"
Adam looked up into Brad's eyes, and Brad could see the pain his friend was feeling.
"Hey, what's the matter?" He asked softly.
"I was dreaming about the night we broke up. It was kinda weird though." He stopped, as he felt Brad tense at the mention of it, and moved out of Brad's embrace, so that they were now sitting face to face, "It was like I was watching a film or something... I could see myself hurrying out of the theater. I watched myself shouting a goodbye to everyone, so excited because I knew you had come to our show that night and that you were waiting for me outside….and you were, but then I got inside the car and you dropped the bomb on me.”
*Flashback*
"You did what?" Adam exclaimed in the car going home. He had had a great show that night, trying to be the best he could be, just by thinking about Brad being somewhere in the audience watching him, and there was Brad, confessing to him about his betrayal and asking Adam to forgive him.
"At the intermission…I was on my way backstage to your dressing room to see you, when I…I saw this guy, one of the stage crew and we…um…I kinda got carried away with him ," Brad said sheepishly.
"What exactly did you do?" Adam asked.
"Is it important?" Brad asked defensively.
"It is to me,” Adam said. Brad had never seen Adam quite so threatening.
"OK," Brad answered, "I guess you have a right to know. We gave each other a blow job. Well, two each actually."
Adam was very quiet the rest of the way home. Brad knew Adam would be angry, but he did not know how angry. He tried to say things like how spectacular Adam had been on stage that night, to which Adam replied sharply, "I don't know how you could know. You were busy elsewhere, weren't you?"
Eventually Brad gave up and just drove home.
""Brad…I think you should sleep on the couch tonight," Adam directed as Brad tried to crawl in bed with him, "And tomorrow, I think you'd better plan on spending some time at your own place."
"But," Brad protested, trying to lighten the mood, "I've already let Cassidy stay at my place for a while until he gets his own place, remember? I don't know if it's fair to him to just throw him out."
"Cassidy is out of town for his gig," Adam answered, "By the time he gets back, we should have this worked out."
"Does that mean you're kicking me out?" Brad asked, starting to get somewhat annoyed.
"It means," Adam said emphatically, "I thought we had an agreement and now I find out that we didn't have anything!"
"But Adam," Brad pleaded, "I only,-"
"You only got it on with some guy you didn't even know. Someone I should still be working with every day for at least another six months, or did you manage to forget that? I thought we had an agreement to be open with each other because we trust each other, remember? Where's that trust now? I really don't know where I fit, Bradley."
"Addy," Brad defended, "I don't think you're being fair. Are you saying you don't want us to be together anymore? And because I screwed up one time?"
"I don't know, Brad. I just don't know. We were so special, so... well we had it all! Now I just don't know. I love you so much! I would never think of doing such a thing! And now I just don't know what you're thinking. I guess I'm wondering why you're here."
"Maybe you'd like it better if I permanently moved back home," Brad said. Hearing himself say those words hit him like a thunderbolt. It seemed so final!
"Actually that’s not a bad idea," Adam answered.
"Adam," Brad said, trying to show hurt in his voice, "There's... there's one more thing."
"What's that?" Adam asked. His tone softened a little. Brad was hopeful, but at the same time the "poor me" syndrome was working overtime.
"The necklaces," Brad said tentatively, "You put mine on me and I put yours on you. We made a vow that no one would take mine off but you, and no one would take yours off but me. Do you want to take mine off?"
"I made another vow," Adam answered, "That I'd never be the first to do that. But if you want to, here you go." Adam said as he sat up on the bed and turned away so that his back was to Brad.
Brad stared at the back of Adam’s hair. He reached over and caressed Adam’s neck. It was so smooth, so soft to the touch. He moved on his knees on the bed so that he was face to face with Adam. He reached over and touched the key pendant and remembered how happy they had been, how they had worn those necklaces so proudly for almost a year.
"I can't, Addy," Brad whispered softly, "I still love you and I can't take it off. If I took it off that would mean I don't want to be your lover anymore and that's just not the case. I don't ever want to give you up."
"Bradley," Adam said as tears began to flow in both their eyes, "I love you so much! Why don't you just sleep on the couch tonight till I figure this whole thing out? Right now I'm so mad, so hurt, so disappointed; I don't know what I want. We were so free with each other, so completely open because we trust each other. Our love was so clean and pure, and now I just don't know. I've got a long life ahead of me, and I want to live it with you, I do… but I don't want to be constantly worrying about what you are doing behind my back whenever we are not together."
Suddenly Brad realized the basic difference between Adam and him. Adam was looking forward to a long life with him, while Brad was living just for the moment. Brad had never even considered the possibility of being middle aged, or older. Before he had met Adam, he had even thought about suicide at some point, because in his mind, he had no future, and then he had met Adam.
"For what it's worth," Brad said as he moved his hand to Adam’s hair and stroked his hair lightly, "I've learned my lesson. I'm so sorry, and I promise…I swear I'll never do such a thing again. Please forgive me, Addy, please?"
"I can forgive you……eventually," Adam answered, " …but I'm not sure I can forget. I'm not sure we can ever be the same as we were. We're just going to have to wait and see. If I can't get over it, then I guess we're going to have to break up. I'm sorry, Bradley, but that's what our love means to me. It's all or nothing."
Brad leaned forward and gently kissed Adam’s lips, told him he loved him, and walked to the couch. It was the first time in a long time that he had slept alone and he had a feeling that it was the first night of many nights to come.
*End of Flashback*
“I heard everything I said to you, and I was trying to shout at my other self to…to stop and not let you go...," Adam stopped and looked at Brad, and could see him holding back tears from this painful memory, “I overreacted to what you did. I should've just given you hell and then forgot it,” Brad tried to protest but Adam held his hand up, signaling Brad to let him continue, “I… I miss you so much,”
Adam moved a bit closer to Brad, and put his hand on Brad's arm, "It was awful because I knew…I knew that I was making a mistake letting you go...of pushing you out of my bed and my life. I was there, watching you pack your stuff and there was nothing I could do to stop it, or take my words back," Brad saw Adam looking at his necklace and the lock pendant which was still around his neck. Brad checked Adam’s necklace and Adam still had the key pendant on too. He did not even know why he looked, but he did, “After Drake’s call, I…I started thinking about my relationships…and why they never work. I…there must have been something wrong with me if people that I love keep leaving me.”
"Adam. It's okay. You’re hurt. You are not thinking clearly. There is nothing wrong with you. Don’t shoulder other people’s screw-ups, OK? I fucked up, so did Drake. It’s not your fault. Do you hear me? It’s not your fault."
He held Adam's head in his hands, looking directly into Adam's eyes to make sure he understood what he was saying, "I’m sorry that I ruined our chance. If I could take it back… you know I would but I can´t and it’s killing me. I’m sorry that Drake did the exact same thing to you. I couldn't bear to see you hurt then, and now… now I have to watch you hurt yourself over Drake and I can’t bear it. I wish I could do something, anything to stop it."
Adam was incredulous, "Why are you blaming yourself over something someone else has done?"
"Because I can’t imagine how hurt you really were when we broke up. You never let me see you hurting then, but I know I hurt you pretty bad. I broke all the rules and at the end it was you who paid for it the most. I wasn’t a good lover then and I can’t be a good enough friend now," Brad admitted sadly.
"Oh, Bradley," Adam leant his head against Brad’s chest and closed his eyes. When he opened his eyes, he saw Brad’s pendant right next to his face. He raised his hand and touched the pendant, "It’s not you. Sure…I used to blame you too, but now with everything that’s happened with Drake, I now know that I am doing something wrong. Maybe…maybe I’m not meant to fall in love like that.”
"What else have you forgotten, Adam?" Brad suddenly asked. Adam could see Brad’s eyes misting up.
"What are you talking about?" Adam asked.
"I think you know exactly what I’m talking about, Adam. Burning Man, ring any bells? Do you remember the last night when we were standing there watching the statue burn? Do you remember what we promised to each other? We had such plans, conquering the world, building our lives, making your mom and dad proud, showing my mom I could be successful and happy, living my own life, on my own terms. You did conquer something; at least you’re a star now, but what about the rest? What about love? We promised we would be deeply, passionately in love with life, so why are you throwing it away like this? I know you are hurt, Adam, but it’s not the end of the world for you. You could do so much more, you can love perfectly, I know you can! I have been there. I have seen it. I have bathed in it, Adam, so don’t tell me there is not still in an ounce of love somewhere inside you, because I know there is.”
“Brad, I have to ask you something."
Brad shuffled nervously. Could Adam be asking what Brad was yearning to hear for months? "What is it?" Brad said as neutrally as he could.
"Bradley..." Adam hesitated, then started again with more energy, "Brad, do you.... are you.... uh... are you ready to take the necklaces off yet?"
"Why do you ask?" Brad evaded, "Do you want to? We can if you say so."
"I think you already know, Brad. I'll never take mine off, and I'll never take yours off either. If either of them ever comes off, it'll have to be you that does it."
"Addy," Brad said, fighting his breaking voice, "It's been so long..."
"Yeah, it has," Adam agreed, "It's been too fucking long! Bradley, I've missed you so much! I know just by the way you've been acting lately that you're not very happy, and I'm just conceited enough to think that the reason you're unhappy is…well…God, this is hard,” Adam chuckled nervously, “I think the reason is me?"
"That's not conceit, Adam, that's truth. You could have any guy in the whole world now! So why would you still want to be with me? After everything that has happened between us, you know you shouldn’t want to be with me. It’s unhealthy to go back to someone who has broken your heart. Maybe…maybe you are on the rebound and want to get back at Drake, Adam, but you know you will regret this sooner or later. Then we will lose the friendship that we have both worked so hard for, and I don’t want that. I know you don’t want that, and I also know what a screw-up I have been since we broke up and that’s the last thing you need right now."
"I know…I know all about it, Brad. I know about the drinking, the wild parties, and I know about your little dates too. I don't know the details but I know enough to know you have not been in love with any one of them."
"I don’t think I can ever love anyone after you, Adam," Brad said slowly, "But if you know about all my hell raising then you know I'm not the kind of guy you need to be with again. You're special, Adam, and you're going places. I can't ask you to hang around me, I'll just pull you down. Why would you want to anyway?"
"Because I love you, Brad, and I don't see that changing any time soon. It’s been five years, so it should have happened by now, don’t you think? I miss you so much!"
"Adam, I... I just don't know...," Brad was wavering and he knew that Adam knew it too. He went for the kill.
"Brad," Adam said softly, "Will you stay with me tonight? There's so much I want to talk to you about. We don't have to sleep together or anything, you can take the bed and I'll take the couch."
"The couch?" Brad questioned, "You know you don’t fit on that couch, big boy!"
"You know what I mean, Bradley. Stay, please? I’ll feel safer if you’re near."
“Alright, but I’ll take the couch.”
So Brad stayed that night. They slept in Adam’s bedroom in separate beds that night for about half an hour. Then Adam said in his most enticing, most alluring tone, "Brad, can you come over here….please? So we can talk?"
"I'm not sure that's a good idea," Brad answered.
"We don't have to do anything, I just want to talk and I hate having to talk to you halfway across the room."
Was Adam enticing him? Brad did not think so. Was Adam trying to use what he knew was Brad’s killer attraction for his gorgeous body? Never! Brad knew Adam was not like that. So Brad’s resistance collapsed and he padded the three steps from the couch to Adam's bed and crawled in.
And so they talked. They talked for a long time, and while they didn't have sex that night, but they did wind up with their arms around each other.
"You know…sometimes I think my relationship with Drake was doomed from the start, because I had never gotten over you. He was just the closest thing I could find to you.”
“Yeah, I noticed that you have a tendency to do that. Kissing Ke$ha because she looked like me? Seriously?”
“Oh come on! Not you too,” Adam groaned, “She is pretty.”
“Save that for the reporters, bitch. I know you too well, remember?”
“Tell me you don't love me anymore," Adam suddenly challenged, "And take my necklace off. Then I can go on and know that it's really over."
"I don't know if I can do that, Adam," Brad answered, "We've been together so long, worn those pendants so long they're like a part of us. And we did have some good times, didn't we?"
"Yeah, we did," Adam agreed, "And I gotta ask you, Bradley, has it gotten any better for you? Are you happy with the way things are going for you?"
"Things are ok," Brad responded. People have started to finally see me, thanks to your fans by the way."
"That's not what I asked you, Brad. I want you to tell me that you're glad we broke up. Tell me you are better off because you left here."
Of course Brad couldn't do that. So he slipped his arm around Adam’s strong, lithe neck and hugged him. Adam responded by melting into Brad, wrapping his arms around him and lapsing into silence. Soon Adam was asleep while Brad just laid there, looking at Adam. It was not that he suddenly did not want to be with Adam anymore. It was just that he was still scared. He knew what they used to have had been something so beautiful and sacred, but he also knew that he had ruined it! He was just not sure that things could ever be the same again. He knew he had hurt Adam so badly, that he had fucked up what could have been so great. Part of Brad still wanted it and part of him felt trapped. Not that he minded feeling trapped. Brad sighed. He knew he had to make a decision and soon.
Chapter 4
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Date: 2010-04-22 06:43 am (UTC)