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something_rare) wrote2009-09-09 12:09 am
- fan fiction,
- j2,
- rps
"Life After You" - Jared/Jensen - NC17
My very first songfic ever. Now that I have this out of my mind, maybe I can sleep tonight. *fingers crossed*. Damn insomnia! Anyway, this probably needs a lot of beta-ing, but I couldn't find anyone for that job, so...here we go:
Title: Life After You
Rating: NC17
Characters: Jensen / Jared
Word Count: 4200+/-
Summary: RPS songfic based on Life After You by Daughtry
Sneak Peak: My whole life I wanted this, this thing…this something, and at the same time, I tried to pushed it away, I tried my best to step out of its way. I tried and tried and tried to not even be near wherever it might be. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it just happened, and I was stuck with it.
Life After You
With a shaky exhale and in a desperate attempt to calm his nerves, he spit out the smoke. That was when he learnt something. He learnt how hard, how painful it was, crying and taking a puff at the same time. He felt a burning moving down his lungs and that was when a silent sob pushed past his throat. For a moment it felt like he was suffocating, like he was breathing with no air. Someone had taken his air away from his lungs. He had done this to himself. There was no way he could drive just yet. He had to calm down first.
With shaky hands, he brought the cigarette to his dry lips and took another unsteady drag. The evening breeze flew past his tear strained cheeks and he felt a chill that penetrated into his bones and shook him into his deepest core.
Feeling unsteady and weak in knees, he rested both his arms against the car roof and leant into it. As the smoke heat moved down his throat, slowly he turned his head toward a car whooshing past him and his car and down the road.
He must have been in such a hurry, that driver, he thought. Was he turning his back on something as he himself had done so a few weeks back? Or was he rushing to something new, as he was just now? Now he was on his way back. He was trying to get back to Jared. Was he still going to be there? Was he ever going to be good enough for Jared again?
With still shaky hands, he pulled his cell phone out of his jeans pocket and flipped it open for the millionth time. It was still there, on the screen, those words.
I know.
He could not recall what time it had been. All he remembered was stirring out of a restless sleep by the sound of his phone and waking up to that message, Jared's message. Next thing he knew he was getting the hell out of that town. Finally. Probably something he should have done days ago. Fifteen days. It has been fifteen days since he had seen him, since he had seen Jared, Jared's face, and there he was, staring into the darkness around him, all around him. There was a time when darkness was all he could see, until Jared happened.
I know.
That was all it said. That was all it took. Two words. Just two words. Too much feeling, too much meaning behind just those two words. It had hit home, so close, so intense that ten miles from the town, he finally had to pull over, climb out of the car and reach into his pocket for his cigarette pack, and there he was, leaning against his car, staring into the night.
Don't let me be late. Please, please, don't let me be too late.
He could not be late, could he? After all, Jared had answered his "I'm sorry." message, hadn't he?
I know.
He knew. Jared knew. He knew Jensen was lonely. He knew Jensen was sorry. He just knew. And now that Jared knew, Jensen knew. He knew he had to head back home, to Jared, to their love. He knew he had to run back, crawl back if he had to. He knew he would not stop. He would not stop running back to Jared.
He got back inside the car, closed the door and started the engine.
He was going home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ten miles from town and I just broke down
Spittin' out smoke on the side of the road
I'm out here alone just tryin' to get home
To tell you I was wrong but you already know
Believe me I won't stop at nothin'
To see you so I've started runnin'
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
His heart stuck in his throat as he slowly stepped on the porch. He was standing at the place where, in a matter of seconds, his life had turned upside down. It was where Jared had spoken those five words. Five words that had constantly been on Jensen's mind for the past three years, yet he had managed to keep it at the back of his head. Words he never spoke, and that was all it took. All it took was five words. Five words that forever changed him.
[flashback]
"Maybe we should tell them."
"W...what?" Startled, Jensen's fingers froze around the house keys. He stopped unlocking the door and slowly turned back toward Jared. He had never been more horrified in his life. All the fatigue and stress of being on the set for the past fifteen hours suddenly became too much. His mouth was dry. His heart was pounding in his ears.
"Our families, you know. Maybe we should tell them, about us." Jared shrugged as he bent down to pet Sadie on her head, who had rushed toward them from the backyard as soon as the car had dropped them off at the gate. "Since we have a few days off and we are going home, I thought maybe we can both talk to our families when we get there. I mean, don't you want them to know?"
Without saying a word, Jensen finally unlocked the door and let them in. He saw Jared following him inside the house from the corner of his eyes. He knew Jared was waiting for him to say something. He knew he had to talk soon. He just did not know what to say and how to say it. He could sense Jared hanging to his every word and getting a little uneasy for the lack of any, but he was too stunned to say anything just yet.
"Nevermind."
It was Jared who finally broke the unsettling silence as he brushed past Jensen and toward the stairs, "I'm going to bed." For the first time in a very long time, Jensen could not read Jared and that made him even more nervous. He closed his eyes shot. His worst fears were coming to life and there was not much he could do about it.
Later, when he relived that moment over and over in his head, he thought maybe he should have let Jared just go to bed and sleep it off; maybe he should have let the conversation be over at that moment. He should have known, but the truth was he had never seen Jared like that before. There was no way he could have known what was going to happen next.
"Wait," Jensen took a deep breath before opening his eyes and tried hard to not let his voice quiver, "I do want them to know, Jared, I do, but...," Jared climbed down the steps and toward Jensen, "But what, Jen?" he spoke as he stood in front of Jensen.
Jensen could not even read Jared's face. It felt like Jared was hidden behind a mask, a mask of stone. He was not sure he could get past all that.
"What do you want to tell your family? What am I supposed to tell my mom? I can't just call her and say hey mom, guess what? I'm gay and I'm with Jared and we are in love, it's not that simple."
"Why not?"
"Because they would never understand. They would never understand our relationship, what we mean to each other, the depth of our feelings, how helplessly, head over heels, in love I am with you! It…it will never work out," Jensen gently pleaded as he reached out to put a hand on Jared's shoulder, but Jared chose that moment to pace into the living room and threw his keys hard on the counter. Jensen flinched at the sudden sound. He dropped his hand to his side and followed Jared into the living room.
"How can you be so sure when we haven't even tried, Jensen? We never gave them the chance. Are you that afraid of their judgment, of how they are going to think of you? Are you that afraid that you are willing to sacrifice everything we have built so far together, sacrifice our happiness? Well, in case you haven't noticed, this is not only about you. It's about us, and I am getting sick and tired of pretending. I feel trapped. Why don't you understand?"
Jensen just stared at Jared. He knew Jared was right. He did understand the pain in Jared's voice. He knew the frustration of keeping everything about their relationship a secret. He knew it all too well.
"I am just tired, man," Jared tried once again, only a little softer this time, "I am tired of hiding. I am tired of joking around about this. This is living a lie. Plus…who are we fooling here, Jen? Hell, even the fans have put the two and two together."
"Yeah? And whose fault is that? It’s you who keep encouraging that by your PDAs, and… and now, what? Now you are going to announce it to them as well? Why don't you post a bulletin about it somewhere when you're at it, you know, let the whole world know, why don't you?!" That came out harsher than Jensen had planned it to be. He regretted saying that as soon as he saw the hurt in Jared's face.
"How stupid do you think I am? Do you think I am stupid, Jensen? No. I would never do that to you. I would never jeopardize your career like that, not when you are not ready. I do want to tell everyone, I do, but I figured we probably will never do that, so I let that thought go, long ago."
"So, why? Why are we even having this conversation? What's the big deal anyway?"
"What's the big deal?! What's the fucking big deal?! Are you out of your mind?!!" The sudden silence in the room seemed deafening. Jensen was too shocked by the direction of the conversation to say anything just yet, so Jared continued, "I just want to tell our families and friends about us. Our families, Jensen, our friends, not the whole world. They are the closest people you and I have in life. If we cannot tell them, then who can we tell about our relationship?! Are you even going to tell them one day? Or are you going to consider me your dirty little secret for the rest of my life?"
Jensen rubbed his temple. He could sense the beginning of a massive migraine. His lack of response pushed Jared even more over the edge.
"I can't believe you, Jensen. Are...are you embarrassed by us? Are you ashamed of...me? Is that why you don't want to tell them?"
Jensen jerked his head up and stared at Jared in shock. Where the hell had that come from?
"What?? NO! God, no. Of course not. That's not my point. You are my life, Jared. How can I be ashamed of you?"
"I think you are. This isn't right. You would not hesitate about this if you were as much in love with me as you claim to be. I have waited and waited for you to come around. I have waited three years, Jensen, three fucking years."
"I'm just…I'm just not ready yet." Jensen's sounded soft and defeated.
Jared bit his lips and nodded his head a few times. He tried taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, his hands were shaking. He just prayed he was doing the right thing as he continued, "Will you ever be? If three years have not been enough for you to be ready, I don't…I just don't think you will ever be."
That did it for Jensen, the frustration and sadness in Jared's voice. The venom Jensen felt boiling in his system was all it took to send him over the edge. Up to this day, he still cannot figure out why he did what he did, what he said what he said.
"Oh don’t you dare…don't you dare pointing that finger at me, Sasquatch! You think you are the only one sacrificing something in this relationship? Well, news flash pretty boy, everything comes with a price. I was willing to keep this under covers for the rest of my life if I had to, if that was what it took to keep you in my life, to have your love. I was willing to pay that price. Now that you are questioning my love, my devotion to this relationship, let me ask you this. If you say you love me all that much, if you respect me even a little bit, why don't you climb down your high horses for a while and try to see this from my point of view, huh? Why aren’t you willing to pay the price? So yes, this isn't right. I think it hasn't been right for a while now. I…I think I'd better go."
Jared's eyes widened. Something sank deep inside his heart as he heard Jensen speak those words. The finality in Jensen’s word clenched to his heart.
"W…What?! Where?" There was a hint of panic in Jared's voice as he followed Jensen toward the door.
"I don't know. I have to get away. I can't be here. I need….I need some air. I need to think."
"Are…are you leaving? For how long?" Jared frantically said as he tried to grab Jensen's arms, and flinched when Jensen just shrugged his hand away and turned toward him.
"You know what? I'm thinking maybe this wasn't meant to be. You are feeling trapped, you said so yourself, and you are right, you shouldn't feel that way when you are in love enough, and apparently, according to you, I am being a coward because I am not in love enough, so why even wasting our times here, huh?" He arched his eyebrows and smirked bitterly at a shocked Jared who could barely move at that point.
He angrily slammed the door shot in Jared's tearful face.
[/flashback]
Jensen had no idea coming back home was going to be this hard. Should he knock? Should he just walk in? Was Jared in? Was he alone? Did he have company? What if he was with someone? The mere thought of Jared with someone else nauseated him. Maybe he should have called Jared before coming over.
He cursed under his breath as he unlocked the door and slowly and silently, walked in. The house was silent and dark, with no sign of Jared. Maybe he could quietly sneak into the living room and spend the night on the couch until he could find the nerve to face Jared in the morning. He started taking his jacket off as he cautiously walked into the living room, careful not to bump into anything.
"Jen…that you?"
Jared.
Jensen froze.
So much for sneaking in.
His throat was suddenly tight and dry. He licked his lips nervously and cleared his throat.
"Y…Yeah."
The lamp was suddenly lit, and that was when he saw him. He finally laid eyes upon the one person he had been dying to see for the past fifteen days, sitting in his armchair, across the hall. Again and for the millionth time, one look at Jared's face was enough to take his breath away. Jared’s face seemed blank, and suddenly Jensen was not sure anymore he was ready for this, for facing the fact that they probably did not belong together anymore. He reminded himself how he had made the bed and now he had to sleep in it. He could see the dark circles formed under Jared’s eyes, he noticed his pale skin, and cursed himself under his breath. He tried to think of something to say, to break the ice, but he came up with nothing. So, he just stood there.
He heard Jared taking a deep breath and braced himself for the worst that he knew was coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last time we talked, the night that I walked
Burns like an iron in the back of my mind
I must've been high to say you and I
Weren't meant to be and just wasting my time
Oh, why did I ever doubt you?
You know I would die here without you
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Alright, let’s hear it,” Jensen finally said when Jared neither moved nor uttered a word after a few minutes of just sitting there and refusing to meet Jensen in the eyes. He was not exactly sure he could deal with an angry, resentful Jared, but dealing with Jared’s silent treatment was just too much for him to handle at that moment.
“Let’s go to bed, Jen. You must be tired, hmm? I am exhausted,” Jared said, ignoring what Jensen had just said and slowly stood up, his eyes anywhere but on Jensen. “The studio car will pick us up at 6. First day back on set after the break, remember?” and with that, he brushed past Jensen and toward the stairs. Suddenly, that night, fifteen nights ago, came alive before Jensen’s right. Jared’s reaction toward him sealed everything in Jensen’s mind and gave him the confidence that he had made the right decision after all and what he was about to do was right.
“Wait! Just…wait,” he stopped Jared as he took his phone out of his pocket and hit speed dial, “There is something I need to show you.”
“Who are you calling, Jensen? It’s in the middle of night. Let’s just go to sleep.”
Jensen put the phone next to his ear as he kept an eye on Jared who was now standing right in front of him; hands in his pocket, a posture that Jensen recognized and knew it meant Jared was nervous.
“Hey bro…yeah, I’m good…yeah, everything is alright, sorry I woke you up….Listen. Someone here wants to say hi,” Jensen spoke to his phone and hit his phone speaker.
“Jensen what’s going on?” Jared asked nervously.
“Was that…was that Jared?" Josh asked from the other side of the line.
“Yeah, Josh. It’s ...It's me. Hi,” Jared shyly replied, not knowing what was going on.
“Finally! Good job, bro. You guys worked things out and everything? You are back together?”
“He knows?!!”
“Yeah, Jared. He knows. I told him. Josh, Mack too, not mom and dad though,” he paused, “Not yet. I am working on that part,” he rushed to say, not willing to let Jared assume he was keeping any of this a secret, not anymore.
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I did. I know it’s …too little, too late, but I owed it to you, and to me, and for the past three years, that unlike what you think, has not been a lie, not to me, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry it took me losing you and causing you this much pain to realize this. Love is not supposed to cause such heartache, it shouldn’t be this demanding, this cruel It’s supposed to make you happy, make you proud, make you laugh, but look at what I have done to you, to us, to our love. I can't believe I was this blind. I was just…I was unwilling. My whole life I wanted this, this thing…this something, and at the same time, I tried to pushed it away, I tried my best to step out of its way. I tried and tried and tried to not even be near wherever it might be. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, it just happened, and I was stuck with it.…I've got it practically chained to me."
"What are you talking about?"
"You…you...my whole life I wanted this...I wanted every bit of every little thing you and I have been through together in the past three years. You…you are it, you are the goddamn thing. You're…you're…I don't know…I can't describe it, I can't describe you. You're…you're fairytale material, you know. All those stupid real books, love books, poem books, you know what I'm talking about? You're that type and I…I felt like I had to save you, be there for you, like no one would, just like how Dean would save Sam, take care of him; it was like no one had the ball to do it but me, and I would. And still…still I was willing to find a way to not see it. Anything…airing our laundry, letting the world know about us, anything."
With a shaky breath, Jared looked away and ran a hand through his hair.
"You stupid idiot," he muttered under his breath.
Jensen just nodded and stared at his shoes. He could not bring himself to look Jared in the eyes and see his heartache all over his face, knowing he had been the cause; that he had done this; that he was to be blame for all this.
“Hmmm…guys, I am going to hang up now. You guys do…whatever you have to do. I’ll talk to you later, OK?” and with that, Josh hung up, not that either Jensen or Jared noticed. They were too wrapped up in their own world.
“I…I had a time to think about this, about everything; and now…now I know that their opinions, my fears of their reactions never worth losing you and everything we have had together,” he paused and smiled bitterly, “Not that I didn’t lose you, but…. Anyway, I realized that…that it is not fair, to either one of us to hide for the rest of our lives, to live a lie.”
He glanced at Jared’s surprised face and took a deep breath, before starting again.
“But you have to know Jared, you have to know that in all this, all I ever wanted was to protect you, protect us. I never thought by trying to protect you I am only going to hurt you. You…the one I was desperately trying to protect, and look what good it has done. I lost you…I lost you to my insecurities, to my demons,” he chuckled nervously, “Try to ignore the irony in that.”
"I…I used to think, no matter what goes wrong, at least there's you and me. Can we… can we go back to that? I look around me, and it's…empty and sad, and I...I want you to be there…again. Just…you. I don't care if the world knows or not. So what if no one knows? I don't care about that anymore. It can be our secret as long as…as long as there is an us. I just want…I want you back. Your love…that's enough. It always has been enough Jensen, more than enough. I should have been more understanding. I shouldn’t have given you an ultimatum like that. I'm so sorry, you have to know how sorry I am,” Jared mumbled as he leaned into Jensen, “I was so afraid Jensen. You left like that and I thought you wouldn’t come back. I thought I'd lost you.”
"Hey. Look at me,” Jensen whispered as he put his arm around Jared’s waist, “Hey. It’s OK. I was scared too. I know I screwed up. I have never been embarrassed by you or ashamed us, never. You just… you caught me off guard when you brought our families up and I freaked out and left …but I'm here now, I’m here, and there is nothing I won't do, there is no price I won't pay. I will make it up to you, I promise. Just please, please…"
He never got the chance to finish that sentence as Jared softly kissed him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You and I, right or wrong, there's no other one
After this time I spent alone
It's hard to believe that a man with sight could be so blind
Thinkin' 'bout the better times, must've been outta my mind
So I'm runnin' back to tell you
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you God knows what I'd do
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you
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And I enjoy your stories a lot as well. ;)
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I just checked your page and that header picture...wow, it totally blew me away!
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I'm working furiously on this new story I have started here a while back and it takes almost all my free time, but I do have a few ideas in mind. I am trying to find some time for those as well. :)
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Actually, I have a few other stories based on Daughtry's songs in mind. If I can get some time off from this other fiction I am writing, I will get to those too. :-)
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Thanks :)
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SQUEEEEEEEE!!
This is going straight to my memories!! So much hurt and pain plus a happy ending...perfect!!
Thanks for sharing!! ♥
btw:am currently listening to Life after you..Daughtry rocks!
*huggles*
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I L.O.V.E. this part...
"You…you...my whole life I wanted this...I wanted every bit of every little thing you and I have been through together in the past three years. You…you are it, you are the goddamn thing. You're…you're…I don't know…I can't describe it, I can't describe you."
I still have the tears in my eyes,
This was wonderfully written hun.
*hugs you tight*
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Beautiful...
*hugs*